Telling fertility challenged (?) couple about our newest pregnancy? - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 10 Old 05-01-2006, 11:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am asking the wise mamas here for advice because I'm scared about hurting people I love dearly.

My brother and SIL have been trying for about a year to get pregnant. She's been charting since before Christmas, I think ( I gave her TCOYF around Thanksgiving) and I *know* they're actively trying to get pregnant. She has PCOS, so I'm worried that it may take them a long time or they may need help.

Anyway, we're pregnant for the second time and we were lucky enough to get it on the first month we tried.

I don't know - am I completely self centered to think this is going to matter to them (her)? I don't want to step on any toes and I don't want to make any big oops or have anyone's feelings hurt...my SIL is the sweetest girl you'll ever meet and I want to be careful of what she might be feeling.

Is there a better way to tell them?

I'm just so worried and don't know....please give me some sage advice.

And I apologize in advance, I didn't come here to offend anyone or be hurtful, I am genuinely concerned about this.

TIA.

*~* A * Mama to C and A * *~* I blog - PM me for the URL
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#2 of 10 Old 05-01-2006, 12:41 PM
 
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My Name is Missy, and I lurk here every day You are actually my first post here.
I also have PCOS/Insulin resistane.. Plus I was just DX'd with hashimoto Thyroiditis..I have 3 very beautiful children, so it can happen. My babies are Herbal babies, we tried Fertility treatment and such but it just never worked for us. It took us 8 whole yrs too get our second.. That was a very rough time for me. My girlfriend who never had IF problems, had 2 children too my Madison *lol*

This wonderful DEAR friend who had 2 chidren too my Madison * who was out 8 yr jorney* I remember her calling me, and telling me she was PG.. I was sooooooooo Sad whenever she did so, but ya know thinking back.. It was normal. I would simply tell her, that I had too hang up with her, and go brood for a while. She totally understood, but she was cheering squad, so I really feel she knew how I felt at times like this. This situation is never easy, at least from where I sit. I think when you tell her, just be kind, and understand if she hurts, or feels resentful. This is really a tough spot for someone like you too be in. I feel for both of you. I am not very good at offering advise on things like this. I sure hope others here have words of wisdom for you!

Good Luck, with however you approach your friend

Missy
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#3 of 10 Old 05-01-2006, 01:06 PM
 
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I've been the person finding out friends and family are PG while I am dealing with infertility.

They will be happy for you, but may experience complicated emotions.
Don't hide the information from them. They will have to find out eventually and I would tell them around the same time you tell other family members.

But, do not tell them at a big family event. They may need time to process emotions. Its best to tell them in private at a time when right afterwards they will have the chance for privacy so they can work through things on their own. So a big announcement at a party or even taking them aside just before the party or gathering are not a good idea. Call them or visit in person and tell them privately then give them some space.

Believe me I am always thrilled when friends and family are pregnant, but that doesn't mean that I don't also shed a few tears in private - its just a way to deal with the complicated emotions. So I deal with the pain and move onto the joy by getting down to knitting something for the new baby.

Mom to Kira March 2009
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#4 of 10 Old 05-01-2006, 01:17 PM
 
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For me what I wish people would have done was call me on the ohone privately and tell me. This way I didn't have to put on my happy face, because even though I was happy for them it was killing me. And it gave me time to digest it. My one close friend did it this way and I was so thankful. We had another family member announce their pregnancy at a huge family event and everyone else was watching us for our reaction, not cool, I felt very out of place. Especially when MIL said she wanted to see my face to see if I was turly happy for them or just pretending. Don't make a huge deal over it but definetly tell them privately.
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#5 of 10 Old 05-01-2006, 01:20 PM
 
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how truly lovely of you to ask!

My SIL chose to "announce" her second pg at Christmas by passing around the ultrasound. DH and I had been trying for 2 years and everyone knew our heartache. Thank God we had already decided NOT to be with our hyper-fertile family for Christmas that year!!!

Short answer: there is no easy way. I agree that it should be one-on-one, not in a huge group. Do it quick, no build up. She may just want to say congratulations and hang up right away to climb back in bed and cry (I would).

I think the most loving thing you could do is to not look to her for anything--and instead really be there for HER. Infertility is soooo freaking hard it's almost impossible to be there for others, especially those experiencing the joy of pregnancy.

It might be nice to follow up with a simple card telling her that you care about her, you're thinking about her, and you're there for her. And that you'll understand if she's not able to be around you and/or your family for a bit.

hope this helps--
Leslie
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#6 of 10 Old 05-01-2006, 01:46 PM
 
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I think that unless she shared with you her fertility problem you should pretend that you do not know about them. Tell them casually like it is normal - and it is normal! Congratulation!

I always happy for my friends when they announce!

Alternatively, may be telling your brother first will be better? He may deliver the news to your SIL the way he thinks is best. I know that men are less emotional about this staff.
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#7 of 10 Old 05-01-2006, 11:25 PM
 
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I was in your place a few years ago. Dd1's Godparents were in town for her baptism when we conceived our *surprise* dd2. I knew that they were frustrated with TTC, and told her on the phone as soon as I could. First, I didn't want her hearing it from someone else and wondering if I'd been trying to hide it from her...and second, I love her so dearly, and while I hoped she'd share our (eventual) joy, I wanted to respect her right to deal with her own emotions. We both grew, as dear friends and as mothers, and we are now closer than ever.

Congrats on your new pregnancy!
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#8 of 10 Old 05-02-2006, 12:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, their TTC issues are no secret within the family. And she's been pretty open with me, so ...

Thank you for your responses. I appreciate them.

I think that since we're planning to tell the whole family next month on our trip out there, I'll probably call her the day before we leave and tell her over the phone. I'll probably ask her not to tell my parents yet, but tell her that I wanted her to know first. That way they're not caught off guard, but will be able to share.

Thank you all - this has given me good perspective.

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#9 of 10 Old 05-02-2006, 12:17 PM
 
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I would even give her more than a day's notice if you can. You never know how upset she's going to be, and she might need more time than that to compose herself.
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#10 of 10 Old 05-07-2006, 02:02 AM
 
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I also have PCOS and we have been dealing with infertility for over a year.

I always feel even worse when I felt like close friends act like they are afraid to share their blessings with me b/c it might hurt my feelings. It is possible to be upset about your own infertility and truly happy for other pregnant people.

I think calling her a few days before you tell the rest of the family so she has some time to digest the good news sounds like an excellent solution.

Also, if you feel comfortable when you see her, ask her some general questions about her infertility and what is going on. I have had a number of people act kind of awkward around the subject and say things like, "Well, I knew you were having problems and I didn't want to ask". I actually like it when people that I am close to ask how things are going.
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