TTC after adoption (or just long-term infertility)? - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-07-2003, 02:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess this is kind of two topics in one, but I didn't feel like creating two threads!

We adopted our ds one year ago, and now we're ttc. For those who have ttc'd after adopting, I'm mostly just curious why, and what issues if any you have run into and how you handled them.

For me, I can't really list an overriding reason why, just that we feel this is the right move. It's been a careful decision and I feel very positive about it. I guess one reason why is that with new information and changes I've made, I honestly feel like I CAN conceive, and if I can, it seems silly not to try. The adoption process was long and grueling for us, and I think that's played into my feelings too (not that ttc hasn't or won't continue to be long and grueling!). I don't care one whit about genes, having a child who looks like me, or anything like that. My ds is the most beautiful child I've ever seen, and I am thrilled to just watch "who he is" unfold, without temptation to have him be "just like me". I want to give birth, though, especially after hanging around here and reading all the wonderful natural birth stories. And I dearly want to breastfeed. We weren't able to continue adoptive nursing, and right now I don't think I can bear having to bottlefeed another child.

I do worry a little bit that I might be betraying my ds by not giving him an adopted sibling. Though I do hope to adopt again someday, just not right at the moment.

I've just decided that so much points to ttc being right, and I need to trust that whatever might come up along the way in regards to my ds, we'll just work through it.

As far as ttc goes, I'm feeling more optimistic than I have in YEARS! Six months ago, I overhauled my diet, cutting out most sugar, switching to whole grains, etc. I have felt for a long time that nutrition was a key factor in my inferility. It's just been a nagging feeling (I've been about 15-20 lbs underweight and a total junk food addict.) I've seen lots of changes since then relating to my cycles, and I feel like my chances are really good to be able to get pg. It's weird, but at times, I even feel more fertile.

We've ttc'd off and on for the past few months. I'm trying to balance hope and optimism with being realistic, and protecting my emotional health, so when af has showed up, I've usually taken the next month "off". We have a naturopath to work with, but need to come up with $$$ first. I am totally confident that once we can start working with him, I CAN conceive. (He's got a very high success rate--specializes in infertility.) I'm not sure that nutrition alone can overcome everything that's out of whack in my body.

So, on the one hand, I have this incredible optimism that I haven't felt in years, but I'm not naive either. How do you cope with these mixed emotions when you're starting to ttc again after a very long road the first time (and for me, no pg's)?

Anyway, I am just excited to have this new subforum and just had to post *something*! All of these thoughts have been running around my head for awhile.
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Old 07-07-2003, 04:46 PM
 
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Laurel.

I know what your gut is telling you, but have you ever been tested?

Do you know if you are O'ing? Do you know that your tubes are open? Do you know if DH can produce fertile sperm?
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Old 07-07-2003, 07:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes to all the above. Well, some of the info is four years old, so I suppose it could change, but I'd be really surprised. I wasn't O'ing before when we went to an RE, but I am almost certain I am now--regular cycles, biphasic temp charts, fertile mucus, etc. I had none of those things four years ago. I know there's that slight possibility that all the signs could be there with no O, but again, to me that'd be the rare exception.

I had a "normal" HSG about four years ago, and dh has had several normal sperm tests, though we'll have him have another one soon.

I'm kind of frustrated because I went to the gyn today for my annual. This is a new doc, and he's also an RE. I knew that when I talked to him about the semenalysis for the naturopath, he would probably be skeptical, but I wasn't prepared for his "assault" (for lack of a better word). It was really discouraging to me, because this isn't a path I've entered into lightly or naively. I felt like the doc was making assumptions without even bothering to find out about the naturopathic program. He just assumed that since it's "alternative" the doctor would be a quack. In other ways, I liked this new RE, though, so now I have to do some thinking.
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Old 07-07-2003, 10:38 PM
 
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No doctor has the right to treat you like that for wanting to do what you can to conceive. Afterall, you are PAYING him. You would think that docs would be happy that you take it seriously and are looking into anything that might work. Who knows, maybe you will be able to open his eyes.
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Old 08-19-2003, 04:31 AM
 
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I'm glad you posted about this. I've had similar feelings, even though we don't have our first baby yet (traveling probably around January to China to pick up Becky). Adoption has been a long road for us too, but I guess the original road we were on was even longer now that I think about it. We started TTC 10+ years ago. I've always felt extremely fertile (though underweight as well), and all the tests came out great, so we are just "unexplained infertility". I charted my temp every day, ovulated every month right on schedule, etc, and I think this all made it even harder to deal with (not knowing why we can't have a baby). I do think the naturopathic road is the best to follow though for cases like this, since it's always a good thing to get your body more healthy, even if it never results in a pregnancy. My friend is a naturopathic physician (wonderful doctor) and I know she's a much better doctor than any regular doctor I've ever been to. I don't ever plan to go back to one of the "infertility specialists". I would definitely go naturopathic.
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Old 09-18-2003, 01:08 AM
 
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Laurel,

I'm TTC #1, so I speak only from opinion not from experience. I've got cousins who both have 1 biological child and other adopted children, but in both cases they had biological kids first and adopted kids second

It seems to me the most important thing is how your DS feels you feel about him. I found out that my parents concieved while on the pill, and I didn't give it a second thought because I'd always felt wanted and loved. If you don't make distinctions, or allow anyone else around you to distinguish between how your kids came to you then they won't either. When I imagine yourself if your position, I just see myself saying "I want you to have a brother or sister".

I am curious for my own part, how much the desire to be pregnant factors into this. When I was younger I always thought I'd adopt if I needed to, sometimes I thought I'd adopt anyway, just because kids need loving homes, and now that I'm struggling with conceiving, I find that I desperately want to have that experience of bearing and birthing a child.

I hope some of this is helpful.
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Old 09-19-2003, 02:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Jenny, that's my feeling too--even if I don't get pg, by going the naturopathic route, I'll be healthier at the end. I like having that as a secondary goal, rather than enduring an IVF or something and coming out with nothing at all to show for it.

Gonnabeamom, your post was very reassuring. I am feeling a lot better than when I first started this thread awhile back. I think your feelings are very normal as far as wanting to experience pg and birth. For me, it's mostly bf'ing that I want to experience, which is interesting because when we were ttc before, I didn't give nursing a though at all. (I didn't know about AP back then.) I just have to say, though, having adopted, that adoption has some really special experiences that most people who only give birth don't get to have. An adoption placement is just incomparably incredible. At ds's placement, all I could think about was how all those "regular" parents were missing out on so much because they didn't to experience this! It is a long process to come to the point of adopting. I know for me, I had to get to the point of realizing that adoption did not take away all those experiences I wanted to have--infertility did that. Adoption just made it so that I could have *most* of the experiences I longed for, plus I got to have other unique but wonderful experiences that most people didn't even know about. It is a journey, though, and I can totally understand the desire for these other experiences, as that is where I'm back at right now. It is so hard to make these decisions, isn't it, especially because there is no way we can know what the future holds. I think wanting to give birth is about so much more than just having a baby--it's about a connection with all the other women in the world, about a "rite of passage"--I still struggle with those feelings of defectiveness and being left out. Kind of funny, but I had totally come to terms with this when it was in terms of hospital births--why would I want that? It was only by coming to mdc and hearing all these wonderful homebirth and natural birth experiences that's made me rethink wanting to give birth.
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