I am not new to this site, and some of you might recognize me from other forums, but I decided to venture over here after finding a story (another thread I started) and went in search of a place to share it. Has this forum been here for long? I don't remember seeing it.
I am in the midst of trying to decide if I am ready to ttc again, but I just don't feel like I fit on the ttc board. It just brings back so many memories for me of how angry I would get to hear people complaining that it was taking "so long" to get pregnant when they were at 3 months. I know, it seemed like a long time to me when I was there, but by the time I was into my IF journey, it was just too much for me. I guess, IF defined my life for so long that I just don't feel at home at the "regular" ttc boards anymore.
My story in a nutshell, started ttcing April of 1995. After two years of absolutely nothing, finally got pregnant. Didn't even occur to be that being pregnant does not mean having a baby neccessarilly. Went through 7 miscarriages(most 1 trimester, 1 early 2nd trimester) between 1997-2001. After 6 years of ttcing, charting everything, and drugs, I finally got some insurance that would pay for IF treatments and made an appointment with RE. A week before the appt. I found out I was pregnant for the 8th time. I was so used to m/c I called to find out how long I had to wait after the m/c to reschedule the RE appt....I was really jaded at that point. It took until my dr declared that "if he is born tonight, he has a 50-50 chance of making it", until I actually realized I was going to (probably...still not "sure") going to have a baby. Finally, at the end of December 2001, I held a baby that I didn't have to hand back to anybody. My little miracle is now an energetic 20 month old.
My 9th pregnancy, concieved last february, was another blighted ovum (my second - http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...threadid=50514
Intellectualy, I know we should wait to ttc since we are in very bad financial shape, but I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can live with the "what ifs" if we wait and never have another one. I REALLY don't want to go back to the helpless obsessing over my cycles. I also really want to enjoy my pregnancy, but I am not sure if that is even possible anymore. I don't even know if I can get pregnant again. I also remember being angry that somebody would come to the IF board when they had a child already (can't they just appreciate what they have ?!?) so it is a bit worrysome to me to even come here because I don't want to cause pain to anybody else. (If it would bother anybody, please let me know...either in the thread, or pm me...I SO understand why it would be hard to see my posts, but I will try to be sensitive to that too)
Sorry this got so long, unless it bothers somebody, I will probably be checking in here from time to time. I hope that I can help support you all and help to answer any questions that I can. I know that I went through it long enough to have moments of incredible strength, and incredible weakness...there were some really dark days and some thoughts that I didn't even want to admit to myself at the time. I am still grappling with the effect it had on who I am and trying to heal that part of me. I think I will close now, I have rambled enough.