The JUNE Infertility One Thread - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 178 Old 06-12-2008, 05:36 PM
 
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bungalowmama, Sorry you have to be here but I hope you'll find the support you need, I sure have. : that the SA comes back with the results you're looking for.

Thanks for the welcome! It looks like we started TTC at the exact same time. Your earlier post about acupuncture was really interesting. There's a TCM practitioner near my house and I'm starting to think it's worth trying. Thanks for sharing your experience.

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#62 of 178 Old 06-12-2008, 05:48 PM
 
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Yep, I meant to add that but must of gotten distracted. Darn work getting in the way of my mdc! We've take a few breaks so this is our 9th cycle since Aug and we've skipped 3. The acupuncture has really been good for me and I'm be happy to answer any questions, if you have them.

-Rachel

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#63 of 178 Old 06-13-2008, 10:05 AM
 
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So right now we're in a holding period I guess. I'm scared about getting the SA results. If they're good, and I am actually ovulating, what's the problem? If they're bad, then we'll have to pay for IUI or IVF or whatever out of pocket and that scares me. It's hard to not feel disappointed. I had this romantic idea of conceiving naturally and as a matter of course. But that's not in the cards I guess. I can say that when we do finally conceive, that we will have one of the most loved babies in the world. I know my screen name seems funny with the "mama" already in there, but I think I signed up for MDC during the first cycle when I was so sure that I was pregnant or soon would be. Hopefully it will be accurate soon.
I know it's a hard thought, but if it comes back at least you know what you're dealing with and where you can go from there. We have severe MFI, and I always felt lucky (as if that's possible) that we knew what the problem was and how to fix it (well, we really couldn't) but at least we knew what we had to do to get pg. Some of the other wonderful people here have had unexplained IF and it seems to be so tough truly not knowing why it isn't happening. I'm praying for you, maybe it will be nothing and you'll get that BFP really quick ~ I hope so for you!

Otherwise, you've found the perfect place to be, I think I'd be in an asylum now if it wasn't for everyone here!


Me: 34, DH: 36, DD born 7/25/10 After 4 years of trying and failed IVF treatments (missing my angels).  IVF/ICSI worked this time! DS born 1/8/13!



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#64 of 178 Old 06-13-2008, 10:27 AM
 
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So, my friend had a pampered chef party last night, and I went to it and saw a mutual friend of ours that I haven't really spoken to in years. She was the maid of honor at my wedding, and we'll call her J. She's not in my life anymore because she felt I wasn't being a good enough friend because I couldn't drop everything each time she called in tears (which was every day - drama queen!) of course, I had DH, was in school and worked full time. OK, so she got married a year b/f me, then was divorced w/in a year and pg with her second hubby's kid before the divorce was final. So, she got married to him and has since had a total of three kids in pretty quick succession w/out any problems. (but from what I hear is miserable with 2nd hubby too)

OK, enough quick background, I think you get the point. So, I see her last night, and of course she looks incredible (skinny but not gross), and this after 3 kids! She was going on and on about her kids for the entire time before the party (but not in a loving they're so great way). Well, to make matters worse, I found out from our mutual friend that J is cheating on her hubby and has been for over a year with the same guy (who is about 14 or so years older, married with kids of his own and now lives in CA). It's surprising that she doesn't get caught, because the comments that she made last night I thought made it obvious... maybe it's b/c I know, I'm not sure. But, J doesn't know that I know. So, needless to say, by the time I left I was an emotional wreck. I called dh on my way home and ended up in tears because she has the kids that she doesn't even seem to really care that she has, she looks incredible, and she is willing to throw it all away. I'm not judging, (at least trying not to) because I don't know what goes on in her life, but I know what a drama queen she is.... and I just don't see how it's fair that she has what I want and just doesn't seem to give a da** about it. :

Am I being stupid? Selfish? Mean? Ugh... and here I thought I was doing better because it's the beginning of the cycle... I always struggle w/hormonal issue's on BCP's, but not usually this bad... it's just so frustrating.... thanks for listening/reading, I think that I already feel better....


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#65 of 178 Old 06-13-2008, 10:49 AM
 
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hope4light~~

i totally hear you...

i don't think you are being selfish...i think it's perfectly natural to think about these things...

i often am bothered when pregnant women complain about being pregnant...

i hope you have a better day today ....
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#66 of 178 Old 06-13-2008, 11:20 AM
 
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H4L, I agree with Tandy. This is such a normal feeling for someone who wants children so badly and is having a hard time conceiving them. It amazes me daily how people take for granted getting pregnant and having children. It's also extremely difficult for me to find out someone is pregnant. It's the whole "not fair" thing for me. It's just not fair. I always use the analogy of waiting in line. We're all waiting in line to get pregnant and we want it so badly and we've been in line for a long time. Then, out of no where, people cut in front of you and there's nothing you can do about it. You feel jipped, cheated, and just horrible. None of this is fair and coming to peace with that has been my biggest challenge. Big s, H4L. I totally hear you.

-Rachel

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#67 of 178 Old 06-13-2008, 11:36 AM
 
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hope4light. Coming to terms with the fact that life isn't fair is hard. On my better days I remember that everybody has problems, and infertility is mine. On my worse days I resent everyone who has no problems conceiving and makes bad decisions and doesn't appreciate what they have. Right now I found out that one of my childhood friends is pg with her second, apparently minutes after they started trying (and they got pg the first month with their first, too) and I just can't help thinking, "It's not your turn!!" ... but they're great parents and appreciate their daughter. I just hate that everyone else's life moves forward while mine stands still...

Mom to a little boy (June 2009)
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#68 of 178 Old 06-13-2008, 12:00 PM
 
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BurtsGirl - I definitley understand taking breaks here and there. I haven't really charted my temps that accurately over the last several months. Just used CM to time things. I just needed to step back a bit for my sanity's sake. I do need to start back this cycle though since it sounds like it's helpful with the accupuncture process.

hope4light - Thanks for your kind post and insight on the situation. I definitely would love to have a concrete reason for the infertility, something tangible to work on. About your party last night - ugh... Situations like that can be hard to deal with. I live on a great little street where every woman of childbearing age is a SAHM - I kid you not. No one knows we're TTC so I always get comments like "what are you waiting on?" or "have you not been drinking the water around here? everyone's pregnant!". Double ugh. I've learned to buffer my feelings with the fact that people who haven't gone through infertility really have no clue. I know I didn't before the past year. It's still hard though. *hugs*

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#69 of 178 Old 06-13-2008, 12:18 PM
 
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I just hate that everyone else's life moves forward while mine stands still...
This is also a hard one for me. I've felt for a long time that I'm so stagnant right now and I hate it. One thing that's really helped me lately is that we're no longer planning our life around our infertility, dr appts, insems or what if I'm pregnant; we're planned those things around our life. It makes me feel like I have some sort of power/control/strength back in this situation. For example we'll be taking next cycle off because of a vacation and a girls weekend trip that I have planned. We also are planning a Disney trip in Sept. I'd love to be pregnant in the park but if not, more rides for me. A few months ago I would have never dreamed of planning a vacation like Disney while we were ttc. It's too much money, what if we can't cancel, it's too far out, what if I'm pregnant, etc etc. Not anymore. Onward and upward. Although I admit to still feeling a little stagnant from time to time, especially in the months we're actively trying.

-Rachel

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#70 of 178 Old 06-16-2008, 04:01 PM
 
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Even though I tried to stay away from this site altogether (just trying not to dwell...) I must admit I have been lurking.

I do have some eventful news anyway. All my hormone levels came back normal (I did all the CD3 tests and Progestrone on day 19). Which is I suppose good.

However my acupuncturist today said to me "I don't expect you to get pregnant very soon." How disheartening! I asked her what was wrong and she answered with a smile, "Nothing is wrong. Our bodies are not machines, we are humans, and your body is not ready yet."

I have mixed feelings. On the one hand I feel relieved because all the western tests are saying you are fertile, and yet every month I am not pregnant things look more dire for me. We still have a few more tests but I can see the unexplained infertility diagnosis coming right at us. I do think she can help me get my body ready. On the other hand, I hate the waiting and I hate drinking the Chinese tea every day. But maybe knowing this is going to take awhile and I am on the right road will help to chill me out.

Anyway. I wish I could let it go a little bit. Easier said than done. Summer is a slow time for me work wise so I have too much time to think.

Hang in there everyone!
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#71 of 178 Old 06-17-2008, 01:06 AM
 
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H4L, I agree with Tandy. This is such a normal feeling for someone who wants children so badly and is having a hard time conceiving them. It amazes me daily how people take for granted getting pregnant and having children. It's also extremely difficult for me to find out someone is pregnant. It's the whole "not fair" thing for me. It's just not fair. I always use the analogy of waiting in line. We're all waiting in line to get pregnant and we want it so badly and we've been in line for a long time. Then, out of no where, people cut in front of you and there's nothing you can do about it. You feel jipped, cheated, and just horrible. None of this is fair and coming to peace with that has been my biggest challenge. Big s, H4L. I totally hear you.
I feel the exact same way! Of course, I hadn't articulated it in my head nearly as well as you just wrote, but still! I just found out two more friends are expecting their first babies in December. It's hard not to wallow in self-pity and jealously. I actually horribly thought maybe they had to go through IF too, and maybe they've been trying for a long time too. I'm embarrassed to admit that made me feel a little bit better. Another friend is almost due and she told us she was pg right after we got our IF diagnosis, so I was a wreck then.

The other tough thing for me is that I think if I was pg already, we'd be having our babies together, and that once I finally get mine, I will be so "behind" them. It's totally silly, but I feel like I'm trying to get on a train that is leaving without me, and there isn't another one coming, or if it is, I'll be all alone on it.

blueRhino, I'm glad your tests came back with good results! That's a start. I hope your acupuncturist is wrong and you will be pg soon!

how's everyone else doing?
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#72 of 178 Old 06-17-2008, 01:40 AM
 
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The other tough thing for me is that I think if I was pg already, we'd be having our babies together, and that once I finally get mine, I will be so "behind" them. It's totally silly, but I feel like I'm trying to get on a train that is leaving without me, and there isn't another one coming, or if it is, I'll be all alone on it.

blueRhino, I'm glad your tests came back with good results! That's a start. I hope your acupuncturist is wrong and you will be pg soon!

how's everyone else doing?
So the silver lining will be, free baby clothes! Really it will be good to have friends have babies in the year or so before you range. Lots of baby stuff coming your way! I feel like I am averaging about one pregnancy a month friend wise. It is totally crazy. And hard.

As for my acupuncturist, while I hope she is wrong and I get pregnant soon, I also in the more general sense hope she is right, since she is the one treating me and I've put my faith in her! I do believe she knows what she is talking about. That is good in the sense that I think she can help, but bad in the sense that what she is talking about is it taking me a lot more time to get pregnant!
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#73 of 178 Old 06-17-2008, 09:41 AM
 
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So the silver lining will be, free baby clothes!
You know, I hadn't ever though that way, but it's true! We are so far behind friends and relations (all of whom we beat to the altar!) that we rarely have to buy DD any clothes. Well, I do anyway, but because I like them, not because she needs them!

Perdita - newly SAHM to DD July/05 & DS Feb/10 joy.gif
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#74 of 178 Old 06-17-2008, 11:09 AM
 
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Its been a rough couple of days for me. On Father's Day my dad's girlfriend's daughter who is newly (and accidental) knocked up came over to my dad's. They just got married in Sept and her pregnancy was all she wanted to talk about. When I couldn't get away from her anymore I decided we needed to leave early. I went home and just bawled my eyes out on DW's shoulder. It didn't help that I am not having any fertile signs or a +opk yet. Our tank is just sitting here waiting for the insem but now I'm not sure when that will be. Another couple of days, and I'll need to start worrying about how to re-charge the nitrogen in the tank so it stays cool, which is just what I need. I go to acupuncture this afternoon so I'm hoping that will at least relax me. It's nuts how you can go from a perfectly normal human to some freaked out, tense, emotional train wreck in three days. Augh!

blueRhino, that's so great about your tests!!! Has it just been the acupuncture that's helped your levels or are you doing something else?

biomama, finding out someone else is pregnant is so hard and I think it's totally natural to feel disappointed and a little jealous. Our emotions are all valid, this is not an easy thing to go through. Pregnancy's are rarely announced in the lesbian community, but we did have two friends that had little girls. One is now turning 2 and the other was 1 in April. I was hoping to already be in my third trimester by now so they'd all be a year apart. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be in the cards. Free baby stuff does console me a little, though.

Hope everyone is having a great day.

-Rachel

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#75 of 178 Old 06-17-2008, 04:47 PM
 
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blueRhino, that's so great about your tests!!! Has it just been the acupuncture that's helped your levels or are you doing something else?
This is the first of these tests so I am assuming the levels have been fine all along. Nothing to compare it to per say...

I hear you about difficulties with pregnant women talking about being pregnant. I can understand in a way because I am sure it is very consuming. Very few people know we are going through this so I can't blame people for not being extra sensitive of me when I haven't told them what is going on but it is still hard.
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#76 of 178 Old 06-18-2008, 01:19 AM
 
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I haven't been posting much, but reading everyone's journey this month.

We are doing the FET next week and I'm very excited about that. I have reacted to the medicines very well and just hope that I'll react to implantation really well!

I read all of your journeys and my heart breaks for those that are TTC for #1 for so long. I just wish there was no such thing as infertility issues in this world. It's such an unfair thing to go through. I also hesitate to post much, because I'm TTC for #3 (with IVF because tubes are blocked for some reason). I do have two kids (conceived with clomid) and so sometimes feel really bad about posting in this thread, since I know there are those TTC #1. Just sometimes, I don't feel like I belong in this thread and should probably be posting in the secondary thread, but then again, I'm more like third time infertility issues, not secondary anymore...anyway, you know what I mean and I just want to say that my heart reaches out to everyone in this thread. I think infertility sucks big time and it's a bitch to go through. So while I'm not there ( TTC #1), I do feel for you when you post and get angry at Nature/God/World in general for infertility when bad results or experiences are posted and give a huge "Argghhh!" and a "Damn it!" when a round didn't go well. I'm rambling big time and need to go to bed...but,

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#77 of 178 Old 06-18-2008, 09:18 AM
 
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sometimes feel really bad about posting in this thread, since I know there are those TTC #1.

your feelings and your journey are just as valid as ours...
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#78 of 178 Old 06-18-2008, 10:12 AM
 
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I haven't been posting much, but reading everyone's journey this month.

We are doing the FET next week and I'm very excited about that. I have reacted to the medicines very well and just hope that I'll react to implantation really well!

I read all of your journeys and my heart breaks for those that are TTC for #1 for so long. I just wish there was no such thing as infertility issues in this world. It's such an unfair thing to go through. I also hesitate to post much, because I'm TTC for #3 (with IVF because tubes are blocked for some reason). I do have two kids (conceived with clomid) and so sometimes feel really bad about posting in this thread, since I know there are those TTC #1. Just sometimes, I don't feel like I belong in this thread and should probably be posting in the secondary thread, but then again, I'm more like third time infertility issues, not secondary anymore...anyway, you know what I mean and I just want to say that my heart reaches out to everyone in this thread. I think infertility sucks big time and it's a bitch to go through. So while I'm not there ( TTC #1), I do feel for you when you post and get angry at Nature/God/World in general for infertility when bad results or experiences are posted and give a huge "Argghhh!" and a "Damn it!" when a round didn't go well. I'm rambling big time and need to go to bed...but,
I'm TTC#1 and feel the same about you (and everyone else with 2ndary IF) that I do about everyone TTC#1. I don't think it matters what number it is, you want a or another child so bad that you're willing to go through all of this, that puts us all in EXACTLY the same boat in my world. Struggling to get something that we can't do on our own, that should be natural.... it causes the same feelings of grief, pain, heartache, dispair, depression, hope, excitement... well you get the idea... that doesn't matter if its #1 or #15 (OK, but I think 15 would maybe be going a little far )

Anyways, I just want you to know that your feelings are just as valid, and I like to hear about your journey as well. It gives me hope still for myself.

Hang in there, and GL on the FET ~ I'm praying for you!


Me: 34, DH: 36, DD born 7/25/10 After 4 years of trying and failed IVF treatments (missing my angels).  IVF/ICSI worked this time! DS born 1/8/13!



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#79 of 178 Old 06-18-2008, 11:55 AM
 
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Baturay: Good Luck with your FET, You definitly belong here no matter WHAT NUMBER you are TTC.

AAM: I had another Dr appt today. I had 20 eggs this time, WOOOHOOO!!. They measured in size from 12-14mm. I'm guessing that is right on track because the u/s tech said they looked "REALLY JUICY!" I'm going to lay down for a little while. I went to bed last night at 1:30 and got up at 5:45 this morning, so a nap is well deserved. I'll update again this afternoon when I hear the results of my blood test.

*Aly* Proud ARMY Wife and SAHM to our IVF miracle London Michael 2/28/09 We are so in love! We beat infertility once, lets see if we can do it again. TTC #2!
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#80 of 178 Old 06-19-2008, 11:38 AM
 
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baturay, I agree with everyone else, you belong here as much as any of us do. Good luck with your FET!

Aly, Woo hoo for almost two dozen eggs! How did the blood test come out?

I'm hanging in there. My acupuncture appt was awesome. I'm calling it my new crack. I just can get so relaxed on that table. I called the bank and the tank should be ok through the weekend. After much to-do about whether we were going to cancel this cycle or not, I finally got some ewcm last night and I was SO excited about it. So we're going to hold on to the tank through the weekend and see if I'll ovulate.

-Rachel

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#81 of 178 Old 06-19-2008, 12:21 PM
 
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I think I might have figured out the whole "just relax" thing. I was talking to my MIL last night and mentioned that I've been a lot more calm and centered knowing that there is no hope at all this cycle.. just not having to deal with the WAITING and not knowing and at the same time knowing that I'm moving forward towards next cycle has helped me focus on other things and just calm down in general.

My MIL said the usual "oh well being relaxed will surely help" and said something about stories of people who adopted or otherwise stopped trying and then suddenly found themselves pregnant ... and I told her that there are tons of people who adopt or give up and never have biological children, and that just because it's possible doesn't mean that it's likely. And unlikely things do sometimes happen, but it's totally luck of the draw and has nothing to do with if people are "relaxed." And she said that she only said it because she likes the sound of the story.

So maybe that's it. Maybe people just like the sound of the story, and that's why it's so persistent. I don't know what's so compelling about the story that people like it so much, but obviously there is something, right?

Mom to a little boy (June 2009)
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#82 of 178 Old 06-19-2008, 12:31 PM
 
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I'm hanging in there. My acupuncture appt was awesome. I'm calling it my new crack. I just can get so relaxed on that table. I called the bank and the tank should be ok through the weekend. After much to-do about whether we were going to cancel this cycle or not, I finally got some ewcm last night and I was SO excited about it. So we're going to hold on to the tank through the weekend and see if I'll ovulate.
Me too, Burt's Girl, I feel exactly like pooled honey after acup.

Proud Mama to Liam Greenleaf 5/31/10
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#83 of 178 Old 06-19-2008, 12:41 PM
 
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I think I might have figured out the whole "just relax" thing. I was talking to my MIL last night and mentioned that I've been a lot more calm and centered knowing that there is no hope at all this cycle.. just not having to deal with the WAITING and not knowing and at the same time knowing that I'm moving forward towards next cycle has helped me focus on other things and just calm down in general.

My MIL said the usual "oh well being relaxed will surely help" and said something about stories of people who adopted or otherwise stopped trying and then suddenly found themselves pregnant ... and I told her that there are tons of people who adopt or give up and never have biological children, and that just because it's possible doesn't mean that it's likely. And unlikely things do sometimes happen, but it's totally luck of the draw and has nothing to do with if people are "relaxed." And she said that she only said it because she likes the sound of the story.

So maybe that's it. Maybe people just like the sound of the story, and that's why it's so persistent. I don't know what's so compelling about the story that people like it so much, but obviously there is something, right?
Yes Songbird I think you nailed it. People are such suckers for those "success in the wake of failure" stories across the board and the little bit of "magical thinking" that goes along with it. But when you are on the Other Side with the odds stacked against you, it's not so surrendipitous and really a righteous load of crap (is that too harsh? ). Just the other day, someone used Charlotte from Sex and the City as an ex. of "what could happen" if we adopted. I was like, are you from the moon? It's Fiction!!! How is THAT going to make me feel better? Ay Yay yay. Thanks for putting your explanation so well.

Proud Mama to Liam Greenleaf 5/31/10
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#84 of 178 Old 06-19-2008, 05:09 PM
 
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Just the other day, someone used Charlotte from Sex and the City as an ex. of "what could happen" if we adopted. I was like, are you from the moon? It's Fiction!!! How is THAT going to make me feel better? Ay Yay yay. Thanks for putting your explanation so well.
OMG! I can't believe someone used a fictional movie character as an example! That's so dumb it's funny!

Giselle, natural living mama to three (and TTC our 4th)
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#85 of 178 Old 06-19-2008, 06:18 PM
 
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The "just stop trying" logic boils my blood, too. I finally mentioned that we have been TTC for 12 months to my mom and she said, well just stop thinking about it so much. WTF? That's easy to say when you had four healthy pregnancies and babies in quick succession like she did, you know? Not to say that I don't hope for a miracle, but holding out for them can be heartbreaking.

ETA: Forgot to mention that we should get DH's SA results today. He's actually at the urologist's office right now having a scope inserted to check for kidney stone issues. So unsettling....

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#86 of 178 Old 06-23-2008, 11:29 AM
 
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After what seemed like forever I finally got a +OPK yesterday. We did the first insem last night and will do the second tonight. : my temps keep rising.

-Rachel

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#87 of 178 Old 06-23-2008, 11:54 AM
 
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How exciting Rachel!!! My fingers are crossed so tightly for you!

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#88 of 178 Old 06-23-2008, 03:51 PM
 
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I'm really pretty out of it ladies, but I just wanted to update that they got 19 eggs this morning. Now I'm just waiting for the fert report tomorrow. Thanks for all your well wishes. I'm heading back to bed now for the rest of the day.

*Aly* Proud ARMY Wife and SAHM to our IVF miracle London Michael 2/28/09 We are so in love! We beat infertility once, lets see if we can do it again. TTC #2!
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#89 of 178 Old 06-23-2008, 04:17 PM
 
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So the silver lining will be, free baby clothes! Really it will be good to have friends have babies in the year or so before you range. Lots of baby stuff coming your way! I feel like I am averaging about one pregnancy a month friend wise. It is totally crazy. And hard.
Well, for me, at lot of my friends who had babies when I first started trying children are in elementary school now. I'm sure the clothes are long gone.


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. I just hate that everyone else's life moves forward while mine stands still...
YES! Last year, I just said “screw it” and started buying clothes when I resisted before (because I wanted to buy MATERNITY clothes) planning trips and just trying to enjoy my life as/is. Even so, my life is at a stand still In so many ways. I am doing as much as I can to plan for a baby like staring a business so that I can WAH and so on, but in so many other ways, my life is frozen.
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#90 of 178 Old 06-23-2008, 05:57 PM
 
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Aly: hope you get lots of great looking embryos!

BurtsGirl: I've got my fingers crossed for you too.

Me: I got a period yesterday! Neutral news, really, it means that we will try the Femara at 5mg starting tomorrow. So I'm back to nervous. My RE said that we won't go above 5mg, so if this doesn't work, all my drug options are over and we'll be moving to injectibles or IVF... assuming I have the strength to continue down this road. But right now I'm hopeful and optimistic, if nervous (although as you all well know, the emotions sometimes change from minute to minute!)

How are the rest of you?

Mom to a little boy (June 2009)
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