how do i help a friend who could be infertile - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 11-01-2003, 01:46 PM - Thread Starter
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I hope this is the right place to post this.....

A good friend of mine and her husband are ttc (just the past few months) but her dr. gave her six months to either get pg or get a hysterectomy(sp?) (she's 21!!!!) (They are going to get a second opinion hopefully!) She has endometriosis (sp?) and a few other problems i don't know about but that's why her dr. said that. She is so optimistic about it and i want to suport her but i feel like also she should prepare herself for at least it taking longer than six months. Pregnancy came very easy for my husband and me but i understand it doesn't come easy for everyone, but i know her seeing me with my 5 month old will be heartbreaking if she doesn't get pg. I really want to be here for her though. I also think she should be doing her own research in the matter and not just taking her dr.s word in the matter.
She even mentioned how her and her husband might want to start buying one baby thing a week to stock up ... my dh and i didn't even buy things till i was over 6 months pg..... just to make sure we wouldn't have a house full of baby things to have to clean up after a loss. So I feel like she's either not telling me how truly terrified she is that she might not get pg or that she really is being that nieve. To make matters worse...she's had to miscarriages in the past. Hopefully she'll do whatever it takes to keep it, although i know there's nothing really anyone can do.
I have encouraged her to take her prenatal so she'll be prepared for if it happens. I just want to be a good friend. Any advice on how i can be supportive? Should I be the sound of reason that it might not happen? or bask in the joy that she has that it's going to happen?

ps. i really hope i haven't offended anyone. I really care so much for her, and anyone else that's been ttc. Love to you all!
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#2 of 5 Old 11-01-2003, 02:42 PM
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I think it's great that you care enough about her to question the right path to take. That shows that you have a wealth of empathy, and I admire that.

Her doctor does sound off the wall. A women going through infertility treatment is often advised to got to a few different doctors (RE's--reproductive endocrinologists) to get second and third opinions. No doubt she does have endo--but there are doctors who's practice is built around getting women with endo pregnant and sustaining those pregnancies.

Maybe you could look some info up online for her and show her it. Since she has been pregnant before that is a good sign, but we all know that is only a peice of the puzzle. Does she have a good grasp of human biology and what is happening to her body? There are lots of books out their written for the lay person--there is probably one called "getting pregnant with endometriosis" that she could read to see what her options are.

It does sound like she is in Lala land about buying the baby stuff now. I think she is just terribly excited about it and does not want to face the other negatives that are going on so she is pouring her energy into this. There is not much you can do for her except be a friend to her--and catch her if she falls and does not get pregnant. This may be one life lesson that you cannot teach her--she just has to live it and feel the pain. Because if she does not get pregnant she will be feeling pain no matter if she is buying baby things or not--that part is actually irrelevant.

Sometimes posting at Mothering I feel like a total oddball because of my infertility past. Talking about "being worried I am pregnant" is just so NOT a part of my reality and frankly never was. I also know that without the fertility meds that I took I would not be a mother to Matthew and Samantha--and many people here have such disgust and distrust (mixed with a boatload of misinformation) about fertility meds and what they do. Because of this I often post on a parenting board made up of women who have been through infertility treatments and are now parents--they know the "lingo" of infertility as do I. There is a whole other world out there filled with phrases like "IUI, Gonal-f, IVF, ZIFT, GIFT, Clomid...." that even the most science disabled person can learn about if they are forced to by life circumstance.

You might want to point her to that board--there is an endo board there with tons of women sharing info on what they are doing to get pregnant and the obsticles they are facing. Many go to certain doctors known for removing endo (through supressive drugs and surgery) and then use fertility meds to get pregnant quickly before the endo grows back--and are very successful with these techniques. Here is the board:

Here is a thread from that board about "endo success stories"

Take care,
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#3 of 5 Old 11-01-2003, 02:42 PM
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HI there. You sound like you are a great friend.

All you should do it be there. Support her when she needs it. She really doesn't need a voice of reason, she has one...especially if her doc is saying hysterectomy. She knows it might not happen. She has the voice of doom in her head saying, "what if I never get pregnant? What if I never have babies?" every day. Just be with her and be there for her.

And yes, she should do her own research. A hysterectomy at 21 sounds pretty extreme. Especially only giving her 6 months to conceive. A second opinion is a really good idea.

You could help her do research, or find some good books to give her. Become familiay with what is wrong with her, so that you can talk to her about it. Infertility it very lonely. And having someone who knows what they are talking about and has some empathy is always nice.

Good luck!

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#4 of 5 Old 11-01-2003, 10:25 PM - Thread Starter
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thank you so much for your replies!
I will share those links with her and help her do some research, and at least encourage her to get a second opinion!!
Thanks again!
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#5 of 5 Old 11-05-2003, 01:09 PM
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tell your friend never give up hope. i was told i would never have kids now i am the proud mum to rebecca (15 months)
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