having a third child, spacing, and my old eggs - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 05-08-2009, 12:49 PM - Thread Starter
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Well, I alway figured I'd have 2 kids, boys, 2 years apart. And I do. BUT, ever since my second was born I thought I wanted another. But, my hands have been so full with my wild boys that I always felt like a third child would be my undoing. I have had so many days where I felt like my life with boys was completely out of control, my house was out of control, and I was a terrible mom. But, as my boys have gotten older my urge to have another child has gotten stronger. But I feel completely paralyzed by the 2 big facts before me: My boys would be almost 6 and almost 8 before a new sibling was added to the family, and I am soon to be 39 which would put me at close to 40 when the baby was born. I know that isn't old nowadays but it feels old to me, and the thought of being 50 with a 10 year old seems crazy. All my friends have moved on into the years of older kids happily. I would be the one crazy person. I don't know why I cant just be happy with my beautiful family, why I would want to shake things up, add to the chaos, stress us out financially, crowd our house more than it already is. But I just can't seem to let it go. My husband will do it. I guess I just feel like I can't tell how to make my decision rationally and not hormonally. I have been so conflicted over this for years, and I feel like my time has slowly slipped away and I don't want to regret the child I didn't have. But I also dont want to screw up my high needs family.
Did any of you struggle with your decision on whether or not to add a child to your family? How did you finally decide?

, mama to DS(7/)22/02) DS (8/14/04) , and an angel (3/10/10)nursing a broken heart...loving my boys.
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#2 of 8 Old 05-09-2009, 10:47 AM
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You and your husband need to listen to your hearts, and weigh in the different aspects of your life. It is easier said than done, but it just makes everythin more difficult looking around and seeing how alike or differnet we are from others...

DH and I are the youngest parents in our 11yo class (I am 31 and he is 33). And we are also the parents with most kids anyehwere around. Yet, we have always tried to make our family decisions on what felt right for us.

I do feel that pregnancy and caring for tiny babies is a lot harder on me now at 31 than it was at 20, and I expect it will not get easier with age. However, DH and I just aren't ready to make a permanent decision and pull the plug on our fertility just yet
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#3 of 8 Old 05-09-2009, 11:48 PM
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Well my opinion is that you should get to the baby making! I was pretty much in the same boat as you. I have a wild and crazy boy who is now 8 (9 in September), and a VERY strong willed and awesome dd who will be 6 in a few weeks, and a 17 month old ds2. I also have two dogs and a cat. People sometimes act like I'm crazy, and honestly I can't understand that attitude. Yes, my kids are high energy, but that is personality and it wouldn't change if I didn't have the baby (who is actually pretty mellow). Yes, there were times where I was shaking my head at myself over upsetting the status quo once again, but the baby really is a JOY. He is a sweet, wonderful bundle of joy. He isn't an easy baby, he is very, very attached and wants to nurse at least every hour, had to be held EVERY second as a baby, and it was still worth every bit of it. My older kids love having a baby, and it does make it much easier that he is so young, the other 2 are at school and he's home during the day like he is an only child. My husband is madly in love with him, and he was really on the fence about #3. You won't regret it for a minute, you might complain during the initial adjustment to a new baby, but once you get into the swing again it will be wonderful!
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#4 of 8 Old 05-09-2009, 11:50 PM
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Oh, and I forgot to add...I'm a redhead, always have been, red hair, freckles, pale eyelashes..... All three of my kids have blonde hair without a hint of red, and black eyelashes. WHERE'S THE RED HAIR??????
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#5 of 8 Old 05-10-2009, 06:47 PM
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I felt like I was reading a post I'd written... but with a different ending.

I had my first ds in September 2002 and my second in June 2004. Chaos reigned for a couple of years... and I certainly felt maxed out a lot of the time. We had always said "two" was the right number for us and then bam, bam. There they were! I was 28 when I had the first and 30 when ds#2 arrived.

I got an IUD and we basically said I'd keep it for three years and barring any major change in our ideas about family size, dh would have a vasectomy after 3 years.

Well just before the third year was up I got pregnant with the IUD in - and then had a miscarriage about 7 or 8 weeks later. While I was shocked by the pregnancy, I was very, very excited and so desperately wanted that baby. That would have given us 3 children - 6, 4 and newborn. I thought it sounded wonderful!

My dh - well, not so much. He wanted to proceed with the vasectomy and I half-heartedly agreed. It's been a year since the vasectomy and my heart still aches for a third child. I miss the baby that wasn't born and think about babies that will never be all the time.

I guess all of this is to say - listen to yourself. It's not crazy. You do need a dose of reality - that's always true - but if you've really considered... I don't think you'll ever "regret."

I'm certainly regretting where we ended up. It is the one major stumbling block we've had as a married couple and it's a big, big hurdle... my wanting and pineing for what can't happen now. Sigh - anyway, follow your heart.
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#6 of 8 Old 05-11-2009, 08:54 PM
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Oh my. Change the boys to girls and my age to 36 and you've got me in a nutshell. : I have a few added issues as well, my dh being not quite as on board as I am, and having had 2 early babies, one of them 7 weeks early.

I wish I had advice for you on how to make this choice, as I'm struggling insanely with it right now. I'm on the fence between thinking I will always regret it if I don't have another child and thinking that I will max out my family's resources in every possible way if I do.

I'll stay tuned to hear from the wise mamas on this one.
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#7 of 8 Old 05-11-2009, 11:43 PM
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Seeking Balance and I are in the same situation, with 2 lovely boys but wishing without hope for another child. My DH had a vasectomy soon after #2 was born, and I still feel that was the right decision, because we both believe in bringing only 2 more people into the world. By some fate I found books on adoption, and have been wishing ever since that I could give a girl a home in our family. It's definitely the one anger-producing issue in our marriage. I'm at the point of trying to "forget about it" after many months of hoping he would change his mind. He's still stressed out with 2, and manages to mention whenever he's feeling it most, "This is why I don't want any more children!" I don't know. I've seen many families with 3 that seem to work just as well as families with 2, or even 1, and as one of 4 growing up I never thought our family was too large. I've never told my boys of my wish for a daughter (and adoption), so I don't know how they'd feel about it. I know I was glad as a young child to have another sibling to play with when one shut me out for some reason. And I see even my energetic 6-year-old calms down to play quietly around babies -- perhaps your boys would feel the same reverence for a baby and slow down a bit. Anyway, if your husband is willing, you're already beyond the stumbling block many of us are facing. I'm turning 40 this year and will be 50 with a 13-year-old, but 50 isn't so old these days, is it? I think those of us who started families later will not have the swinging "empty nest" days others do, but it doesn't make parenting any less enjoyable. I'm not sure rationality controls this kind of decision... with our house size I should not rationally consider a third child anyway. But my heart wants a daughter, and I feel now as though I'll always regret not getting to raise one. I've thought about starting a "Mothers without daughters (or sons)" tribe. Perhaps mothers who have gotten past the first years of wanting a child can offer us some assurance... Perhaps we won't always feel regret and longing?
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#8 of 8 Old 05-15-2009, 08:58 PM
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I am 39 and have two kids (b/g) and have debated a 3rd for a while now. However, for the most part, my dh feels like he is done. My youngest is 7 and that would be a huge age gap too. Still, if he gave it the green light, I'd probably do it. Listen to your heart, if your dh is willing, that's half the battle.

We have two high need kids too. Allergies in our ds, some learning issues in our oldest. Our plate is definitly full and I carry the load mostly since dh works long hours. Still, I think I could handle it, I think especially since our youngest is 7 now. What's right for you is what's right for you. Hang in there and be good to yourself.

 Mommy to Emily (16), Cal (12) and Claire Bear (3)
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