Should I have a second child? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 11-28-2009, 09:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Our DD is almost 3 and I enjoy the relationship the two of us have, the "me" time I have, weekends away with my husband and date nights. Live is good. I do not know if I want to go through the sleepless nights again and everything else that comes with having a newborn.
In addition, we have fertility issues and with the treatment comes the risk of having twins.

I will be 41 in March. I do not have the luxury to wait. If we do not have another one, my biggest fear is that something would happen to DD and I am left childless. It would be devastating and I would deeply regret only having had one.

I think I read somewhere: "You will not regret having had another baby but you might regret not having had another baby". Do you agree?

Does anybody have some encouragement to go for another one? Does it get easier the second time around?
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#2 of 12 Old 11-29-2009, 11:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by isabella.4567 View Post
I think I read somewhere: "You will not regret having had another baby but you might regret not having had another baby". Do you agree?

Does anybody have some encouragement to go for another one? Does it get easier the second time around?
I have never heard that saying but it gives me more to think about. I thought I'd be ok with not having anymore children after ds3 so that's what my dh and I agreed to. Soon after he was born, though, I started thinking I wouldn't mind having another. The desire for another baby got stronger and stronger as ds3 got older (or maybe it was after my dh returned from his 13 month deployment). Now, at the tail-end of another 7 month deployment I'm questioning whether I could take having one more child. I've noticed recently my desire for more children comes and goes with my cycles. When I'm close to ovulating I feel like I could just keep having babies forever. When I'm PMSing (like right now), I think I'm going insane with the 3 I have.

I know some of the age and fertility issues. Both my dh and I are 39 getting very close to 40. We've had infertility issues in the past. At first I thought I couldn't get pregnant anymore. We've since discovered that I don't seem to have trouble getting pregnant. I have trouble staying pregnant. I had my 4th miscarriage at 11 weeks last July after getting pregnant while we were actively trying to avoid pregnancy.

I'm not sure what to tell you. Having a second child was not easier than having my first even though there is almost 13 years between ds1 and ds2. It was very difficult trying to raise a teenager and a toddler at the same time. DS1 is now 18 and not living at home so I'm not caring for him daily. DS2 is almost 6 and ds3 is 2 1/2. I find caring for them very difficult most of the time. A lot of that may be attributed to the fact that my dh is gone a LOT so I'm a revolving single parent for months at a time. When dh is home things aren't as hard.

There are certainly joys. Being a parent you know the joy that comes from your child. I could try to list everything but could never quite touch on the essence of it. You would certainly have to work harder at having time for yourself and your dh. You may have to put those two things on the back burner for a while. It's a tough decision.

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#3 of 12 Old 11-29-2009, 11:27 PM
 
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My gut is to say, "yes".

One thing I didn't see you mention is how much your 3 year old is going to LOVE having a sibling later on. Plus, when they grow up, you will probably have more grandchildren! Yippee!!!
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#4 of 12 Old 11-30-2009, 09:09 AM
 
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I don't mean to be a downer (although I probably will be). I'm all for having more children if you want them. If fear of the unknown is the only thing holding you back, I say get over that fear and have another child. However, I wouldn't put too many expectations on how things will be, positive or negative. Not all children like their siblings or like having siblings, especially when they are young.

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#5 of 12 Old 12-01-2009, 12:22 AM
 
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I know what you mean about loving your life now, we had the same feelings before DS was born. We were settled with just DD, knew what to expect, could enjoy dinners out again and not worry about baby stuff (diapers, teething, etc.). We decided we wanted another last year and so along came DS- I couldn't be happier! DH and DD are also thrilled at his arrival. It's like he's always been here. I thought we were complete before but now we really feel whole.

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#6 of 12 Old 12-01-2009, 12:13 PM
 
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Well, the second is MUCH easier. You already know what to do, how to breastfeed, how to hold them, etc etc. That said, if the only reason you're wondering about another child is the possibility that something might happen to your first, that's not a good enough reason in and of itself, IMHO. Then again, if you have this nagging feeling that you just want another because you're not done, that's a good reason. Because you'll have that feeling your whole life unless you at least try. It's true I've never heard of anyone saying they wish they had *not* had that last kid. Because kids have a way of making us love them so much... I guess part of the choice for me in your shoes would be a question of the fertility treatments - is it just clomid or is it very involved like IVF? Did you have good pregnancies or rotten ones? If you're on the fence, these things may have more weight in your decision. If you were firmly in the "i want another kid" camp, they wouldn't matter.

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#7 of 12 Old 12-08-2009, 01:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by isabella.4567 View Post
I think I read somewhere: "You will not regret having had another baby but you might regret not having had another baby". Do you agree?
Thanks for posting this

attached to DH superhero.gif 10/03, DD1 blahblah.gif 8/06, DD2 bouncy.gif 12/07, DD3 energy.gif 5/09, DD4 slinggirl.gif 11/12

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#8 of 12 Old 12-08-2009, 10:55 PM
 
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I like that quote, too.

I think you should have another. Not that I know you or anything... the only thing that would make me think twice is going through ivf or whatever because I'm sure that can be very trying.

I agree that the second baby is WAY easier in many ways. And I think a sibling is a gift to a child, whether they know it immediately or not.

Tina
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#9 of 12 Old 12-08-2009, 11:01 PM
 
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My mom was 44 when she had me, back in 1971. She had tried for years to get pregnant and when she had me, the Dr's made my dad get a V - they said it was too risky (whatever that means).
She STILL regrets it. STILL regrets not trying for another and only having 1 child. I wish I had a sister or brother, I love siblings and not having had any, makes me want a huge family (not possible at my age though). I say go for it. I'm 38 and we have 2 and I want another baby now even though it's not the perfect time for us.
Good luck in your decision.

Michelle, Mama to ~ F (10/06) ~ S (7/08) ~ H (2/11) ~ B (11/12)
Expecting a surprise (5/15)
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#10 of 12 Old 12-09-2009, 01:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the replies, ladies. What really freaks me out is the possibility of having twins or even triplets. This month we will start IUI with injectible drugs (after 4 unsuccessful clomid cycles earlier in the year). Please keep your fingers crossed that I will get pregnant with a singleton. I am also afraid of the possibility that my daughter reacts badly to a new sibling and our relationship changing for the worse (I read a story here on MDC where that happened).
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#11 of 12 Old 12-09-2009, 02:36 AM
 
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I do think having more than one child is wonderful (I have 4 and want another, afterall ) but I know it's hard to imagine how the dynamics will change after having an only.

Good luck with the IUI -- don't worry about how your DD will react. Even if she has a hard time sharing you at first, I think the benefits of having a sibling will outweigh any downsides. and really, if you do end up with twins - it will be okay!

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#12 of 12 Old 12-09-2009, 08:16 PM
 
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I think it is generally a bit of a rough transition when a new baby joins the family. Although your DD will probably be four or close to four when the sibling is born, so that is a bit easier (usually). But remember that it is a *transition* and it won't remain difficult forever. When they are four and eight, they will play together and enjoy each other, yk?

Good luck!

Mama to 3 kids. We live in a yurt!
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