Wanting But Waiting Tribe *2010* - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 387 Old 01-21-2010, 10:24 AM
 
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Thanks, Baby Cakes.

Last night, I really felt like I had a setback with my husband. After learning that my coworker was pregnant, I was trying to deal with my jealousy and sadness, so I started a conversation. For the first time in a while, I brought up the idea of a timeline -- i.e., I simply asked him if he felt like he'd be ready for me to go off BCP and "see what happens" some time in 2010. The last time we talked, he seemed open to the idea, but we never said the words "maybe this year" out loud. We'd only said we'd talk again more seriously in a few months. I realized I'd been making that assumption -- that we were both thinking we might finally be ready to TTC after that "check-in" talk in a few months, and thought I'd ask him more explicitly about what he thought he could handle.

Last time we talked, we had a good conversation about how our lives would change but about how we could handle it and there would be a lot of good in having a baby, too (of course!). This time, he got really quiet and nervous (which is odd for him. He's very confident and not a worrier) and admitted that he is still not sure about having a kid. In theory, he is fine to talk about it, but when it gets that real -- like I could maybe even get pregnant this year -- he freaks out a little.

I'm trying to give him space and validate his feelings, and I'm also trying not to feel hopeless, but I feel at an impasse. There's no compromise here. I can't "sort of" have a baby. He doesn't like the idea of a lifestyle change. He doesn't know any dads who go out and see friends and go to bars and parties and play sports and ride their bikes as much as he does (and for good reason; he's a really active guy) and he's scared to leave his early thirties "adolescent" self behind. And I can't promise him I'll do all the work ("Let me have a puppy! I'll take care of it!" only with a baby) because I know I would resent that and it would destroy our relationship.

I don't have anyone to talk about this to if he is miserable talking about it. My best friend already has a baby and is thinking about a second, so I'm dealing with issues of jealousy (which I'm trying really hard to tamp down) again with her. Her husband is no help. He works long days and then crashes in front of the TV often enough that, despite his love for his kid, it doesn't exactly make him a good role model of "active father" for my husband.

I don't want to wait for him to feel totally comfortable with the idea of having a baby, because I don't think he ever will. But I also need him to feel more comfortable than he does. I have doubts, too, but I am in a peaceful place when it comes to having a baby. The excitement and commitment overwhelm the doubts. I wish they would for him. Can he ever get to this place I'm at? Right now, I feel sad and doomed. I know "doomed" is a funny, melodramatic word, so here's a smiley --

First child born March 2011.  Constantly in awe!
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#62 of 387 Old 01-21-2010, 11:09 AM
 
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I'm trying to give him space and validate his feelings, and I'm also trying not to feel hopeless, but I feel at an impasse. There's no compromise here. I can't "sort of" have a baby. He doesn't like the idea of a lifestyle change. He doesn't know any dads who go out and see friends and go to bars and parties and play sports and ride their bikes as much as he does (and for good reason; he's a really active guy) and he's scared to leave his earl thirties "adolescent" self behind.
...
My best friend already has a baby and is thinking about a second, so I'm dealing with issues of jealousy (which I'm trying really hard to tamp down) again with her.

I don't want to wait for him to feel totally comfortable with the idea of having a baby, because I don't think he ever will. But I also need him to feel more comfortable than he does. I have doubts, too, but I am in a peaceful place when it comes to having a baby. The excitement and commitment overwhelm the doubts. I wish they would for him. Can he ever get to this place I'm at?
Neuro - The quoted sections above (almost all of your post) described my situation to a "T" - hopefully talking about it here will help us both deal with our feelings and that things will change/improve soon.

I will say that I am lucky in that my best friend is super supportive and I can talk to her regularly about my feelings/wants/envy/anything. Given, I should be able to talk to my DH about it, but not right now.

There are two things that DH has stipulated before we can seriously consider TTC - my weight and our house. I'm working on my weight - I've lost 35 pounds since July 09 and have about 20 to go. The house is the main thing holding stuff up. I am not the neatest person in the world, and the fact that our house is very cluttered REALLY bothers him a LOT. So, my current mission is to get it all straightened up, keep it that way, and THEN bring it up in conversation.

He is also in that place where he feels like he would have to give up the things he likes to do if we had a baby, but my BFF's husband is the perfect example that it isn't the case. He's a full time law student and still participates in his hobbies, and he spends plenty of time with his DS. Also, my BiL has a new DD and I am hoping that will rub off on DH

Me: T (32), DH: M (33); (Miss you mom! 1/17/00)
Trying to learn/prep as much as I can in hopes of someday becoming a WAHM!
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#63 of 387 Old 01-21-2010, 02:03 PM
 
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Neuromancer, you just described my situation to a T as well, only you've gotten farther than I have.

I would NEVER be able to suggest we start TTC later this year, even though that is what Ive hoped until now. To be fair to my husband's POV, he was laid off pretty much ALL of 2009 and JUST started a new job, we are moving to Texas later this year and we are trying to dig ourselves out of debt.

Now, aside from that...hubby wont hardly even ENTERTAIN the idea of us having a baby. He has much more fun telling people about how great it is that we are childless. Yes, we are tired of folks assuming and/or asking us if we have kids or when we'll start having kids, but OMG, at some point, we gotta ignore them and make our OWN decisions.

We are not old by any means, we are in the same age range you are, Neuromancer, but I sometimes get the feeling that hubby thinks we have FOREVER to wait. WE DONT. My fertility gets less and less by the friggin YEAR. Just because men can have babies until they are dead, doesnt mean they can just hem and haw and make their poor wives wait until the VERRRRY last fertile egg is left in them to try and have a baby. UGH! *thas what i want to yell at him*

Then there's his psychological issues about having kids. He's scared he wont be a good father (who isnt!?), he at one time wasnt sure he wanted kids (this was said AFTER we had agreed before marriage to have kids, but he's supposed to have "gotten over that"), he's lazy and doesn't know how the lifestyle change will affect him or our marriage (our marriage is strong but could use some improving, but whose doesnt?!), he's overweight (am I supposed to wait for him to lose ALL the weight *he's 300 + lbs*), he has a bad back (yes, i agree on that because i dont want to be the only one carting the baby around, but chronic back pain rarely goes away 100%), and on and on and on.

And like its been said, you cant compromise on a baby, you either have one or you dont. And i have a tendency to feel doomed and grimm and alone because not only is he like this with a baby, he's like this about me getting a friggin DOG! Like, OMG, i love you sweetie, but GET.A.GRIP!

*deep breathe, wooosaaah*



And it is a lonely position to be in, folks around me are having babies left and right, folks that have been married like .89023785 seconds, folks that aren't married yet, folks that dont even WANT children, folks who ive watched TTC and have their FIRST child are now on their 3 or 4th child...I feel like life is passing me by.

Im hoping 2010 will be the tipping point where we become much more financially strong and we can finally comes to terms on when (and if) we are EVER going to plan on TTC.

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#64 of 387 Old 01-22-2010, 09:59 AM
 
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Neuro - The quoted sections above (almost all of your post) described my situation to a "T" - hopefully talking about it here will help us both deal with our feelings and that things will change/improve soon.
It's such a relief to know other people are going through similar things, even though I wish none of us were going through it!

pinkgeek, that's great progress on your weight loss. I wish my husband had something tangible like that and cleaning up a disorganized house as goals, but I also understand there are other issues for your partner.

I have hobbies, too, and want to continue to be my own person after having a baby. Even though I know it takes so much sacrifice, I feel like if we're in it together we'll each get to hold on to pieces of our individual selves. We just have to make it a priority and a true partnership.

My husband has these goals like, "get famous, get rich, and travel more" before having a kid. They're a little tongue in cheek, but still -- impossible! I told him those goals could be his goals forever. He could never feel "rich ENOUGH, and famous ENOUGH" etc. to "stop" and have a kid.

I mean, ideally I'd like to have a 2BR apartment (rather than a 1BR) before having a baby, but I'm willing to let that go. And that's WAY more realistic a goal!

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#65 of 387 Old 01-22-2010, 10:10 AM
 
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And it is a lonely position to be in, folks around me are having babies left and right, folks that have been married like .89023785 seconds, folks that aren't married yet, folks that dont even WANT children, folks who ive watched TTC and have their FIRST child are now on their 3 or 4th child...I feel like life is passing me by.
Yes. This is how I feel on the worst days. We just found out that a former coworker of my husband's is also having a baby. I certainly don't feel like that's "fair." Almost no one we know is planning and wanting babies. Most of our friends are having them by default, as happy accidents. Why do I have to be so responsible with birth control, I ask myself? If I got pregnant by accident, we'd just have to deal with it and we'd be fine, but I want to plan this baby. I want to be "sensible" and do preconception care. I feel like that's my downfall, and will result in me never getting to even TTC.

Just like you say, I've had to remind my husband several times that we do NOT have forever. I don't even know if I'm fertile NOW, let alone if I would be 5 years from now. And I think my husband thinks "5 years from now" in the back of the head because that's far enough away to seem like "never," only he won't admit that. Well, it feels like "never" to me, too.

My husband is also, like yours, scared that I will be a good mom but that he won't be a good dad (and I agree with you, who doesn't worry about that? I worry I wouldn't be a good mom sometimes, because I am the one who can be pretty lazy in our relationship). But he has the skills and interests to be a great dad -- if he's committed to the idea. That's why I feel like I have to get him on board. I can't have a disconnected husband doing his own thing if I have a baby.

I don't know. I vacillate back and forth between hope and despair (though I don't think my despair gets so deep that it qualifies as depression, I do get pretty sad some days).

I think that in March (so that I give him some time to think about things on his own) I am going to suggest to my husband that I go off the pill and we use condoms for as long as he wants (stopping when/if he feels more at peace with the idea of being open to having a baby). This is NOT because I hope a condom will break and I will get pregnant by "mistake." I doubt that would happen. It is because it is the closest I can come to compromise. I don't mind (beyond reasonable doubts and fears) if I get pregnant anymore, so why should I be the one in charge of birth control? My husband and I have discussed many times that we think the bcp messes with my hormones and lessens my sexual desire. So there is a precedent for me going off the pill (after having been on it more than 10 years). I just have to find the right time to bring up this idea, so that he doesn't see it as a "punishment."

Anyway, thanks for your post. I'm right there, breathing deep with you!

First child born March 2011.  Constantly in awe!
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#66 of 387 Old 01-22-2010, 12:01 PM
 
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Hey. I haven't been around in like....a year. Can I be put back into "Just wanting" please?

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→Waiting to start my own little family←
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#67 of 387 Old 01-22-2010, 12:09 PM
 
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Yes. This is how I feel on the worst days. We just found out that a former coworker of my husband's is also having a baby. I certainly don't feel like that's "fair." Almost no one we know is planning and wanting babies. Most of our friends are having them by default, as happy accidents. Why do I have to be so responsible with birth control, I ask myself? If I got pregnant by accident, we'd just have to deal with it and we'd be fine, but I want to plan this baby. I want to be "sensible" and do preconception care. I feel like that's my downfall, and will result in me never getting to even TTC.

Just like you say, I've had to remind my husband several times that we do NOT have forever. I don't even know if I'm fertile NOW, let alone if I would be 5 years from now. And I think my husband thinks "5 years from now" in the back of the head because that's far enough away to seem like "never," only he won't admit that. Well, it feels like "never" to me, too.

My husband is also, like yours, scared that I will be a good mom but that he won't be a good dad (and I agree with you, who doesn't worry about that? I worry I wouldn't be a good mom sometimes, because I am the one who can be pretty lazy in our relationship). But he has the skills and interests to be a great dad -- if he's committed to the idea. That's why I feel like I have to get him on board. I can't have a disconnected husband doing his own thing if I have a baby.

I don't know. I vacillate back and forth between hope and despair (though I don't think my despair gets so deep that it qualifies as depression, I do get pretty sad some days).

I think that in March (so that I give him some time to think about things on his own) I am going to suggest to my husband that I go off the pill and we use condoms for as long as he wants (stopping when/if he feels more at peace with the idea of being open to having a baby). This is NOT because I hope a condom will break and I will get pregnant by "mistake." I doubt that would happen. It is because it is the closest I can come to compromise. I don't mind (beyond reasonable doubts and fears) if I get pregnant anymore, so why should I be the one in charge of birth control? My husband and I have discussed many times that we think the bcp messes with my hormones and lessens my sexual desire. So there is a precedent for me going off the pill (after having been on it more than 10 years). I just have to find the right time to bring up this idea, so that he doesn't see it as a "punishment."

Anyway, thanks for your post. I'm right there, breathing deep with you!
Holy crap, my situation exactly. I've been ready to go for years and he's aiming for 10-20 years from now (I don't think so, bud!) I'm not saying right this second, but I'd like to be able to say "we're going to at LEAST NTNP around X time." This is killing me here!

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#68 of 387 Old 01-22-2010, 12:56 PM
 
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Hey. I haven't been around in like....a year. Can I be put back into "Just wanting" please?
Hey there! I just came over about a week ago from TTC too. Lets hug it out...




I just found out last night that if I were at my goal weight already that we could have tried this cycle... DH said that he knows I'm not happy with my body right now and that is why we can't try. Now we have to wait until at least Aug to TTC...shucks. I'm pretty sure I'm O'ing today too. I tried EVERY angle of telling him that I would still lose the weight and not be b!tchy this time being pg...he didn't buy into any of it. LOL


to all! Sounds like we all need one!
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#69 of 387 Old 01-22-2010, 02:04 PM
 
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Hey there! I just came over about a week ago from TTC too. Lets hug it out...




I just found out last night that if I were at my goal weight already that we could have tried this cycle... DH said that he knows I'm not happy with my body right now and that is why we can't try. Now we have to wait until at least Aug to TTC...shucks. I'm pretty sure I'm O'ing today too. I tried EVERY angle of telling him that I would still lose the weight and not be b!tchy this time being pg...he didn't buy into any of it. LOL


to all! Sounds like we all need one!
At least we have a friendly face! Last month sucked major ass.

Nice try with DH. Mine's just a stubborn butthead. lol

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#70 of 387 Old 01-22-2010, 07:40 PM
 
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Sleepingbeauty -- Sometiems I wish I'd started having these conversations at 20. Because then maybe now (at almost 33) my husband would be ready.

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#71 of 387 Old 01-23-2010, 12:08 AM
 
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I had a really positive conversation with DH tonight. We finally sat down and really talked about it, and here's the plan:

Our tax return this year should be almost enough to pay off all but about $800 on our last cc. We should be able to pay that off at the end of March. After that, we start putting $100/mo into a "baby fund". DH's raise goes into effect in April, so we will pour that into student loans. One of our cars will be paid off in October, and we will start putting that car payment ($286) into the baby fund each month. In November we can then start TTC!

In the meantime I still have to accomplish my personal goals of charting my fertility, working out 3x/week, and finishing some projects around the house (like curtains, lol!).

I really feel encouraged. I am supposed to contact my MW and ask her if she has any suggestions to prepare me for my next pregnancy, as I will be HBACing.

><> I'm a Christian, knitting, sewing, cooking SAHM to the fearless adventurer Jack born 11/08, and  a  USCG wife
And we are joyfully awaiting a new addition in April 2011! <><
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#72 of 387 Old 01-23-2010, 04:43 PM
 
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My husband is also, like yours, scared that I will be a good mom but that he won't be a good dad (and I agree with you, who doesn't worry about that? I worry I wouldn't be a good mom sometimes, because I am the one who can be pretty lazy in our relationship). But he has the skills and interests to be a great dad -- if he's committed to the idea. That's why I feel like I have to get him on board. I can't have a disconnected husband doing his own thing if I have a baby.

This is KEY to me...i DO NOT want to be the only one wanting to have a baby! I think of how lonely that must be and i cant put myself in that situation. I WANT my husband to get excited about TTCing, i WANT his face to light up when i finally POAS and its a BFP, i WANT him to plan for a baby just as happily as I do. I cant and wont force him to be ready...but then does that mean i have to wait until he FINALLY works it out in his own mind to be ready?! How long will that take and will I even be fertile when he gets around to this!?

I get moments of hope when he coos over an adorable baby or little kid or when he laughs along with a friend of his experiences as a dad. Im even hoping upon hope that his best friend, who's been married a couple years now, to go ahead and have a baby first. I think, maybe, JUST MAYBE, if hubby watches his friend go through TTCing and becoming a father and sees that its NOT.SO.BAD, that maybe he will feel like he can do it too.

Now, i know that could backfire because any trial his best friend goes through could be magnified in hubby's mind as well. Its a crapshoot, right?!

Sometimes, i feel like there needs to be a subforum dedicated to negotiating with your partner to TTC since so many of us go through this.

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#73 of 387 Old 01-23-2010, 06:18 PM
 
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I get moments of hope when he coos over an adorable baby or little kid or when he laughs along with a friend of his experiences as a dad. Im even hoping upon hope that his best friend, who's been married a couple years now, to go ahead and have a baby first. I think, maybe, JUST MAYBE, if hubby watches his friend go through TTCing and becoming a father and sees that its NOT.SO.BAD, that maybe he will feel like he can do it too.

Now, i know that could backfire because any trial his best friend goes through could be magnified in hubby's mind as well. Its a crapshoot, right?!
Our best friends' baby is a delight, but it has only slightly swayed my husband. I think that's what got him to the "in theory it would be okay" point, but I'm having a hard time getting him to say, "in practice I can do it" or "actually, I don't want my own child after all." Because in order for me to go off the Pill, I need him to be really, actually, "I can be nervous but still excited enough to handle this! Yeah, let's try!" okay with it.

I just went online and put a bunch of library books on hold for me to read. I'll share selections with my husband and hope for more open discussions. I'm waiting for these books:

1. Manhood for amateurs : the pleasures and regrets of a husband, father, and son by Michael Chabon (an author my husband really likes)

2. When partners become parents : the big life change for couples

3. I want a baby, he doesn't : how both partners can make the right decision at the right time

4. The parenthood decision : deciding whether you are ready and willing to become a parent

5. The involved father : family-tested solutions for getting dads to participate more in the daily lives of their children (Obviously I don't need this one yet, and hopefully wouldn't if we did have a baby, but I'd like to read it anyway).

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#74 of 387 Old 01-24-2010, 01:37 AM
 
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Aaah, NICE!!! *bookmarks books*

Thanks for that, Neuromancer!

Now, on to figuring out how to sneak these books into the house without him spazzing, lol Hmm, this sounds a good time to invest in a Kindle, lolol


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Our best friends' baby is a delight, but it has only slightly swayed my husband. I think that's what got him to the "in theory it would be okay" point, but I'm having a hard time getting him to say, "in practice I can do it" or "actually, I don't want my own child after all." Because in order for me to go off the Pill, I need him to be really, actually, "I can be nervous but still excited enough to handle this! Yeah, let's try!" okay with it.

I just went online and put a bunch of library books on hold for me to read. I'll share selections with my husband and hope for more open discussions. I'm waiting for these books:

1. Manhood for amateurs : the pleasures and regrets of a husband, father, and son by Michael Chabon (an author my husband really likes)

2. When partners become parents : the big life change for couples

3. I want a baby, he doesn't : how both partners can make the right decision at the right time

4. The parenthood decision : deciding whether you are ready and willing to become a parent

5. The involved father : family-tested solutions for getting dads to participate more in the daily lives of their children (Obviously I don't need this one yet, and hopefully wouldn't if we did have a baby, but I'd like to read it anyway).

NMY actively making my dreams happen :
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#75 of 387 Old 01-25-2010, 06:33 PM
 
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Last time we talked, we had a good conversation about how our lives would change but about how we could handle it and there would be a lot of good in having a baby, too (of course!). This time, he got really quiet and nervous (which is odd for him. He's very confident and not a worrier) and admitted that he is still not sure about having a kid. In theory, he is fine to talk about it, but when it gets that real -- like I could maybe even get pregnant this year -- he freaks out a little.
Everything you wrote really rang true for me, especially this. For my DH it seems like some days it's a "hmm, maybe soon" and others it's "no way, that's crazy", you know? Maybe you just caught him on one of those overwhelmed days?

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And I think my husband thinks "5 years from now" in the back of the head because that's far enough away to seem like "never," only he won't admit that.
Yup, I think that is totally true. Except I totally thought we were talking about an actual 5 years, not "5 years"=forever! Now I'm figuring out what it really meant, lol.

I'm not officially in this tribe, but probably I should be. It's so good to hear that I'm not the only one going through this. And I have days when I think having a baby is crazy and overwhelming, so it's not like I can't understand where DH is coming from. I know it's something I wouldn't want to be pressured into, so I'm really trying not to put pressure on him. Plus I don't want to end up doing all the work so I want him to be on board - I just don't know when that will happen. For now I feel like we're making little bits of progress, so I'm trying to be happy with that and just hope we'll get there eventually. I figure good communication is something we'll certainly need if we're going to be good parents, right?
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#76 of 387 Old 01-25-2010, 07:44 PM
 
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Hey everyone

I posted a new thread on being young, I am 22 with a two year old. I thought of having one later this year because I don't want my son to be too much older, because I want them to play.

Anyway, silly me mentioned this to my Mom and she basically said she didn't think it was a good idea because I "have to finish school and start working full time". I stay home all week because my little guy still breastfeeds and I LIKE it! I work weekends at a not so glam job but it's fun and pays the bills. I don't need to have a career just because I'm young and I can still go to school part time evenings like I am now.

Needed to vent, I still want to please my parents but my Mom doesn't always know what she's talking about.
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#77 of 387 Old 01-25-2010, 09:12 PM
 
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I've been wanting to post a story for all the ladies having trouble convincing their DH's to agree on a time-line for having a baby. First, my heart goes out to you all. I am not in this same situation, so I can't know what it's like, but I really wanted to share this. It is a story about a father's perspective on a similar situation, in retrospect. I heard it 2nd hand about a year ago, so I don't remember all the details.

Basically, when the couple were newly married, the man said they could think about having kids in 5 years. After some time (a year or so) the woman realized that 5 years wasn't getting any closer and "took things into her own hands." The guy said that he was so glad she did--that becoming a father turned out to be a wonderful experience, and he's really glad he didn't miss it. The story was told years and years later when the kids were all grown.

Please just take this FWIW. I don't intend to criticize or tell anyone what to do--just to offer a perspecitive that hadn't really been addressed yet.

Ru , wife to DH . Astin (4/26/10) & Ember (5/19/10).
I have lost my dreams--Dar Williams
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#78 of 387 Old 01-25-2010, 09:26 PM
 
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And I have days when I think having a baby is crazy and overwhelming, so it's not like I can't understand where DH is coming from. I know it's something I wouldn't want to be pressured into, so I'm really trying not to put pressure on him. Plus I don't want to end up doing all the work so I want him to be on board - I just don't know when that will happen. For now I feel like we're making little bits of progress, so I'm trying to be happy with that and just hope we'll get there eventually. I figure good communication is something we'll certainly need if we're going to be good parents, right?

Exactly. I completely agree with you. Glad you stopped by! And, like you, I'm trying to focus on the fact that we're communicating and trying to be honest with each other, even if it hurts to think we could end up at the, "Guess we're not having a baby" conclusion.

BUT, most days, I manage to feel a little more optimistic than "never." Last night we hung out with our friends and their 1 1/2 year old. He obviously enjoyed playing with her and observing her, but his only comment when we got home was, "Wow. You really have to watch her constantly!"

Still, a glimmer of hope came through yesterday when he mentioned to me (pretty much out of the blue) that he'd had a conversation with a client he's doing a project for. She has 2 kids and he told her we were considering trying to have a baby and they talked about his fears that our apartment is too small to hold us, plus a cat and a baby. It felt great to hear that he was able to admit to someone who's not close to him that he's thinking about it. Maybe she seemed "safe" because he doesn't really know her well.

Right now, I feel like there's about a 40% chance of him being ready this year, but a 70-80% chance he'll be ready in the next 3 years. I really want it to be sooner, not later, but I'm trying to be patient and fair.

First child born March 2011.  Constantly in awe!
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#79 of 387 Old 01-25-2010, 09:30 PM
 
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Basically, when the couple were newly married, the man said they could think about having kids in 5 years. After some time (a year or so) the woman realized that 5 years wasn't getting any closer and "took things into her own hands." The guy said that he was so glad she did--that becoming a father turned out to be a wonderful experience, and he's really glad he didn't miss it. The story was told years and years later when the kids were all grown.

Please just take this FWIW. I don't intend to criticize or tell anyone what to do--just to offer a perspecitive that hadn't really been addressed yet.
I don't feel criticized at all, and I'm glad it worked out for that couple (and probably has worked out for many others). Still, I imagine I wouldn't want that to be my situation only because I am afraid it would become argument fodder for us in the future. If my husband could ever claim to have been "tricked" (even if only in the heat of anger), and even if he never did actually play that card, I'd worry he was thinking it when things got rough.

That said, I wouldn't mind if Mother Nature would just take things into HER own hands and provide us with an "oops."

First child born March 2011.  Constantly in awe!
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#80 of 387 Old 01-25-2010, 11:17 PM
 
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I pushed and pushed (and pushed) DH when I had baby fever for our first. Don't get me wrong, he is a great father - and he LOVES Nora more than life. But I still have some guilt when there are hard times, rough nights -- like he didn't "ask" for this life. I really did some convincing back then. He was ready when we decided to ttc, but when we got that BFP on our first cycle, his response was happy but also - "Wasn't it supposed to take longer than this?" He didn't kick into gear until maybe the 6th or 7th month. Sometimes I read my pregnancy journal and see things like, "DH is still not taking this too seriously, whenever I want to talk about getting baby stuff he zones out, lol." At the time my head was 100% there and his wasn't.

Which is why, this time, I'm venting to YOU GUYS and not to HIM! I don't want to throw another kid into the mix under the same circumstances. I know, I'm probably making him seem like such a deadbeat -- but he isn't. Right now he's in the tub w/Nora and they are having a blast! He is really the most awesome father.

I guess my point is that most men will shine as fathers. But some might be slower to come around than others -- and I would hate for any of you longing for that 1st baby to be in a bad situation. Be patient with your husband. If he can commit to a timeline, that is awesome! When the time comes to talk about it again, talk about it again -- communicate!

TTC #1, I was off the pill for 9 months, charting, before we talked about ttc for the 2nd time. I thought it was going to be, "Yeah, I'm ready now," as I'd been temping every morning, sharing my chart w/him, etc. He seemed interested! But even after 9 months of doing that, he wanted more time. We ended up waiting another 3 months, and I was ready to explode (lol).

I'm rambling. But I just wanted to let you guys know that even though I've got my daughter, I've been where you are and it's such a hard road. {{hugs}}

Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn (5) and Finnley Dax (2) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!         
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#81 of 387 Old 01-28-2010, 03:24 PM
 
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I am secretly hoping that DH's accidental pre-ejac got me pg... so we don't have to wait until Sept...
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#82 of 387 Old 01-28-2010, 08:31 PM
 
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What about all those great reasons to wait?
Actually, I'm there too - well not exactly there, but I'm about to ovulate and the hormones are telling me "Sure you could give birth mid-semester and still pass your classes. Moving at 7 months pregnant - no problem!" haha And then I go look at maternity clothes on Oldnavy.com to see if the much sought-after dark blue bootcut full panel jeans are available in my size. Ugh!
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#83 of 387 Old 01-28-2010, 10:42 PM
 
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What about all those great reasons to wait?
Actually, I'm there too - well not exactly there, but I'm about to ovulate and the hormones are telling me "Sure you could give birth mid-semester and still pass your classes. Moving at 7 months pregnant - no problem!" haha And then I go look at maternity clothes on Oldnavy.com to see if the much sought-after dark blue bootcut full panel jeans are available in my size. Ugh!
Wanting and waiting sucks. Sorry for my french...but it's the truth. I was talking to a dear MDC friend today and I was typing out the 'reasons' why we are waiting...and they sounded dumb. Like..we dont' want another winter baby...why? I would be happy with a winter baby...you stay home during the winter anyways bc it's so cold...you'd be doing it the first 3 months anyways bc you are so TIRED...so whats the DIFF???? I just need to lose these DANG 20 lbs!!!! I said to her that we should just let God take over...it's His plans anyways...I'm so wishywashy!!!
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#84 of 387 Old 01-28-2010, 11:55 PM
 
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Hello all,

Love to join.

I actually just posted somewhere else but then found you all.

I must say that my dh was bitten by the baby bug about 6 months ago and I keep telling him no.
My reasoning is that we don't really have the money, H is still small, I want him to be totally potty trained (almost there), want to make sure we have secured this house, want to lose 50 pounds.
BUT...
the reasons I can see having another one now is that I will be 29 this year and don't want to have kids after 30. My dh will be 30 this year, having another while H is still little, having a 2-3 year age gap, getting all of the no sleep out of the way, and this would be our last one.

It is hard to wait...esp when ppl around me are having babies and getting pregnant it is hard. And when I look at pics of H as a baby I miss his babyness...though I love the toddler hood.

and man did i have a crappy pregnancy with H...and I work in daycare...

well hope to make some new friends and be able to support others in their wait.

Allyn birthmom to S 3/12/03, placed in open adoption 4/06, married to W 6/22/07, mama to H 2/5/08, mama to M 8/26/12.
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#85 of 387 Old 01-29-2010, 10:17 AM
 
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I am just going to pretend that i am happy with my BFNs this cycle and continue on to the next unabaited. but thankfully i am "safe" for another cycle.

wild.gifCrazy Chef-in-training baking wife(27) of geek.gif (32) mother of 2 energy.gif 11-21-03 & 9 - 13 - 07
 
 
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#86 of 387 Old 01-30-2010, 03:32 PM
 
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Hi everyone.

I just had to vent a little where I might not seem crazy.

This week was so hard with two pg announcements on FB and one of them really got under my skin. I recently had a so that might be why it's a touch harder to take.
Anyhow, one announcement was fine "we are happy to announce..." and the other

"for those of you that don't know I'm 3.5 mos pg"

of course I posted my congrats, I am really happy but am I just freaking crazy that that was a kind of rude way to announce such great news???

orngbiggrin.gif mom of three with stork-suprise.gif on the way

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#87 of 387 Old 01-30-2010, 11:18 PM
 
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I may have gotten DH to let us try this next cycle...I said something about having a Nov baby...and he said " I thought you didn't want a winter baby..." I said "I don't care when I have a baby...I want a baby..." And he didn't say no...he just grinned and shook his head front to back...like "hmmmm, ok."

I got to thinking...I DON'T CARE WHEN I GIVE BIRTH...I JUST WANT TO DO IT! I want another baby...soon.

OH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I remember how it was brought up now...lol! I bought a healthy eating while pg book, and it has a section that has "calculating a healthy weight" page...for my height 5'8" the 'ideal' weight is anywhere between 131 lbs &158...I am 150 lbs right now. I think he finally calmed down after I read that knowing that I am at a 'healthy' weight to be pg. I just REALLY have to watch what I eat and not gain 70 lbs like I did last pg. I can only gain MAX 40 lbs this next time though.
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#88 of 387 Old 01-30-2010, 11:39 PM
 
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Hi everyone.

I just had to vent a little where I might not seem crazy.

This week was so hard with two pg announcements on FB and one of them really got under my skin. I recently had a so that might be why it's a touch harder to take.
Anyhow, one announcement was fine "we are happy to announce..." and the other

"for those of you that don't know I'm 3.5 mos pg"

of course I posted my congrats, I am really happy but am I just freaking crazy that that was a kind of rude way to announce such great news???
Yeah, a friend of mine announced her second on FB with the gem "my eggo is preggo". Wow. Classy much?

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I remember how it was brought up now...lol! I bought a healthy eating while pg book, and it has a section that has "calculating a healthy weight" page...for my height 5'8" the 'ideal' weight is anywhere between 131 lbs &158...I am 150 lbs right now. I think he finally calmed down after I read that knowing that I am at a 'healthy' weight to be pg. I just REALLY have to watch what I eat and not gain 70 lbs like I did last pg. I can only gain MAX 40 lbs this next time though.
Wow, I am 170 at 5'8". My goal is to get to 150. But then I have always been a larger person, never been skinny. I'd like to get back into a 10 though. I think that is pretty normal and healthy. I'm in a 12 right now.

><> I'm a Christian, knitting, sewing, cooking SAHM to the fearless adventurer Jack born 11/08, and  a  USCG wife
And we are joyfully awaiting a new addition in April 2011! <><
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#89 of 387 Old 01-31-2010, 12:01 AM
 
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Wow, I am 170 at 5'8". My goal is to get to 150. But then I have always been a larger person, never been skinny. I'd like to get back into a 10 though. I think that is pretty normal and healthy. I'm in a 12 right now.
I'm in a 10 right now...and I'm ok with it(I was size 6 pre baby). Never thought I would be, but I am. I have a pair of Dockers slack type jeans that are high waisted so it camo's my love handles. I love them. I don't really 100% agree with 'ideal' weight...I think what works for every individual is good. I have had several dr's tell me that I should be 130-140 lbs at all times for my height...I have maintained 125 or - since I was 19...and I'm healthy. They all wanted me to start eating more fats so that I could gain more weight..really...5-15 lbs...it's going to matter THAT much?!?! Ding Dongs! LOL
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#90 of 387 Old 01-31-2010, 12:28 AM
 
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Wow. When I stopped eating for a couple semesters in college I got down to 120, but then people started to get worried about me and making a stink about it (I'm thankful for the intervention but still. It was fabulous to be skinny). I guess different people can carry the same weight differently.

><> I'm a Christian, knitting, sewing, cooking SAHM to the fearless adventurer Jack born 11/08, and  a  USCG wife
And we are joyfully awaiting a new addition in April 2011! <><
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