Wanting But Waiting Tribe *2010* - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-14-2010, 11:31 PM
 
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I'm lurking here as I wait. DD just turned 4 and our TTC plans have been "pushed" multiple times.. It was supposed to be the summer of 2008, then it was fall of 2008 then it was fall of 2009... and now it's winter 2010 and my heart breaks every month as I wait for AF again.

I bring it up every month because I simply can't help it anymore, the past two months I've spent the first few days of AF crying because that means I'm not pregnant. We aren't trying I just keep hoping that somehow or the other there will be an oops. DH is perfectly okay with an oops, but is against "trying" or not preventing.

When we first started talking about ttc #2 (back in 2008) I did get the sense that it was just something we would do because I wanted to and because obviously he was supposed to have more kids. It's only been in the past couple of months that I've finally gotten a sense that he will be just as excited as me when we finally get a BFP.

We took a Dave Ramsey course through the fall and we are working hard at paying off debt but it may still take us another 2 years. I'm hopeful that even if that is the case that we will be able to TTC in winter of 2011 (that sounds so far away!) because DD will start Kindergarten in fall of 2011 and because we should be mostly done with paying things off at that point in time.

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Old 02-14-2010, 11:41 PM
 
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Brown Lioness

I could have written those same questions a couple of months ago. It was so so so hard for me to get my head around why he wouldnt want anymore? I thought maybe he didnt want more with me, or that they were overwhelming him, or the expense etc etc.. I would bring it up often and I knew in the back of my mind what his answer would always be..."I dont want any more children" . Ugh so heartbreaking to hear...

When I would broah the subject, It would often start with a conversation about how I was feeling lately and I would often express to him that I am hurting because we have such different feelings on that issue. I would say to him, I wish so bad that you would feel the way I do, and if you wont ever, I wish I could feel how you do because this is KILLING ME. I would tell him that I understand his reasons, and there were 100 reasons not to, but that my want for another seemed to trump all of those for me. I told him that I respect his choice, but I dont like it, and for him, and his happiness I was willing to try to move past it, although I honestly dont think I ever would. I told him, I would always regret having not having this baby, but when he/she is here, we would never regret that.

Then a week or two would pass, sometimes much less than that , and I would tell him, I am trying but it is still in my heart. He would give his reasons again, I would leave the convo. heartbroken but again try to understand him.

Finally, last month, I said to him , look I cant do this anymore. You need to get a vasectomy if we are really done because it kills me to always wonder if maybe we might have an oopsie, and It hurts too much to know that the person I feel missing from our family might happen, and if it does, you would be upset and I would be over the moon! So he was like, this really means a lot to you doesnt it? I said to him, you have no idea. So he wanted to take a week to think about it, and I thought, ya whatever,same as always... Then he came ot me and said, Lets do it.

Like you were wondering, how can I be sure he wants this and not just keeping me happy? I guess you cant be sure. I asked him many times if he means it, because I would rather have no baby at all, than have one that he had just to please me. He reminded me that no, that isnt it all. He said no for a good 1.5 years, because he wasnt ready yet, and that he wouldnt never bring a life into this world unless he was sure, you cant take this back. Now, if he really truly means this or not, I am not sure. I am trusitng that he does, and that he will be as happy as I if we get a BFP in our future. It is such a hard subject, and I remember reading many a thread that said, Oh my DH finally said yes etc. and thinkning that will NEVER be me, my DH was dead set. But here I am, and I cant even describe how shocked, happy, excited etc. I am.

Wow, what a novel LOL
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Old 02-14-2010, 11:43 PM
 
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Brown Lioness

I could have written those same questions a couple of months ago. It was so so so hard for me to get my head around why he wouldnt want anymore? I thought maybe he didnt want more with me, or that they were overwhelming him, or the expense etc etc.. I would bring it up often and I knew in the back of my mind what his answer would always be..."I dont want any more children" . Ugh so heartbreaking to hear...

When I would broah the subject, It would often start with a conversation about how I was feeling lately and I would often express to him that I am hurting because we have such different feelings on that issue. I would say to him, I wish so bad that you would feel the way I do, and if you wont ever, I wish I could feel how you do because this is KILLING ME. I would tell him that I understand his reasons, and there were 100 reasons not to, but that my want for another seemed to trump all of those for me. I told him that I respect his choice, but I dont like it, and for him, and his happiness I was willing to try to move past it, although I honestly dont think I ever would. I told him, I would always regret having not having this baby, but when he/she is here, we would never regret that.

Then a week or two would pass, sometimes much less than that , and I would tell him, I am trying but it is still in my heart. He would give his reasons again, I would leave the convo. heartbroken but again try to understand him.

Finally, last month, I said to him , look I cant do this anymore. You need to get a vasectomy if we are really done because it kills me to always wonder if maybe we might have an oopsie, and It hurts too much to know that the person I feel missing from our family might happen, and if it does, you would be upset and I would be over the moon! So he was like, this really means a lot to you doesnt it? I said to him, you have no idea. So he wanted to take a week to think about it, and I thought, ya whatever,same as always... Then he came ot me and said, Lets do it.

Like you were wondering, how can I be sure he wants this and not just keeping me happy? I guess you cant be sure. I asked him many times if he means it, because I would rather have no baby at all, than have one that he had just to please me. He reminded me that no, that isnt it all. He said no for a good 1.5 years, because he wasnt ready yet, and that he wouldnt never bring a life into this world unless he was sure, you cant take this back. Now, if he really truly means this or not, I am not sure. I am trusitng that he does, and that he will be as happy as I if we get a BFP in our future. It is such a hard subject, and I remember reading many a thread that said, Oh my DH finally said yes etc. and thinkning that will NEVER be me, my DH was dead set. But here I am, and I cant even describe how shocked, happy, excited etc. I am.

Wow, what a novel LOL
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Old 02-15-2010, 04:52 PM
 
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Ok, i have a question, ...how do you mama's keep bringing up TTC a baby or another baby even when your partner has already said no?
Gently. With a lot of respect. And with hope.
When I wanted my first, I didn't bring it up every day or every week. Maybe every cycle. I can't recall. But I knew he would come around eventually, I just didn't know when. We finally had a conversation about setting a time line, and I know I tried hard not to bring it up or bug him about it until about a month or so before he said we could revisit it.
These days, I just throw it out there. "DD said she wants a little brother or sister," with a smirk. Or, "We definitely can't have another baby in this house, so lets get going with finishing the upstairs." It's just making it a part of conversation for me. I'm not a confrontational kind of person.

It's hard. But just b/c your partner says no doesn't mean "end of discussion" for me. It means maybe give some time, wait till more pieces are in place, and don't let them forget that it's still weighing on your mind.

AFM - today, at Target, Nora started melting down and I saw a Mama with a boy not too much older than Nora and a newborn. Whoa. Talk about a reality check. I quickly realized it would be a circus trying to get out the door w/a toddler and a newborn by myself.
I know it gets done, and I know I *could* do it, but it was just another reminder to be thankful for my one child and be happy for now!

Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn (5) and Finnley Dax (2) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!         
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Old 02-15-2010, 05:33 PM
 
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I've been mostly lurking b/c I don't have anything to add to the discussion on getting partners to be willing to TTC, but I wanted to post an update.

It looks like we are going to have to wait until later this spring to start TTC (I had originally said march). I really want to at least be unpacked into our new apartment before getting pregnant, which might have been possible if I hadn't gotten an infection in the gums around one of my wisdom teeth, and then been told I really needed to have them all out. NOW. So I am now recovering, slowly, from oral surgery. I had twilight sleep sedation during the surgery, so I want to wait at least two months for the drugs to fullly clear my system before TTC, since one of them is a known teretogen. So that puts us back to mid April at the earliest.

I am kind of bummed, and kind of relieved. I've wanted kids all my life, but now that I am thisclose to acctually starting to TTC, I'm scared. I thought I was "ready" years ago, and now it is hitting me that I am not ready AT ALL.

Ugh. Mostly I do want a baby, and soon, but sometimes I freak out when I think about what a huge change it will be. Thanks for listenting to me vent.

Ru , wife to DH . Astin (4/26/10) & Ember (5/19/10).
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Old 02-16-2010, 12:13 PM
 
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Hi ladies! I have one 2 y/o and we miscarried our second in January. I didn't realize how crazy I would become for another baby... I would like to get through my angel baby's due date before we try to conceive again. Also, we'd have to find a bigger place!!

Looking forward to sharing and chatting with all of you!

Since '05 just me and B, but in 2/08 E made three!
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Old 02-16-2010, 08:26 PM
 
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Ok, i have a question, ...how do you mama's keep bringing up TTC a baby or another baby even when your partner has already said no? I mean, i guess i have a fear about having conversation after conversation only to get the same answer. There would be only so many times I could cry over it, you know?

So, how in the world are you gathering the courage to keep bringing in up again knowing that they've already said their piece?

Also, dont you ever feel like once they DO say yes, that its like a surrender of some sort? Like, they are finally just giving in to you just to get you to drop the issue and restore peace in the home? How do you truly know that they are excited and actually into having another baby versus just playing along to keep you happy/keep the peace?

I ask these in love, no snark.
Well, mine has never said 'no" OR "yes," so I'm just trying to help us come to a decision!

First child born March 2011.  Constantly in awe!
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Old 02-17-2010, 05:36 PM
 
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I have to say that I'm actually happy to see AF show up today. This means that if I get pregnant anytime from here on out, I won't be giving birth until I graduate college! Well, assuming I have another boring long pregnancy This feels like such a milestone. I remember thinking about this last year and March sounded so far away. I know we aren't really officially trying until this December, but knowing that we don't have to work as hard to prevent gives me a lot of relief.
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Old 02-17-2010, 05:49 PM
 
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Thats great,Ardor!!! If i dont get pregnant until the summer, i will have graduated too before i have the kid. Let's stick this out together!

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Old 02-17-2010, 06:06 PM
 
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Thats great,Ardor!!! If i dont get pregnant until the summer, i will have graduated too before i have the kid. Let's stick this out together!

It will be great not having to worry about more life events adding years to my BA! And to make it even more positive - every month from now that I don't get pregnant is another month I'll be able to relax at the end of my pregnancy Last time I was working until 41.5 weeks just thinking I'd go into labor and get to take maternity leave, but I kept on being pregnant. Next time I'm going to go on leave at 39 weeks and just relax at home and play with my kids and rest and not worry about making a bit more money, saving up a bit more vacation, etc. before I have the baby.

What will your degree be in?
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Old 02-17-2010, 08:01 PM
 
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Ugh, found out DH is on a 3 year billet instead of a 4 year billet. Which means that we're going to be moving in the summer of 2011. We wanted to start TTC in Oct/Nov this year, which would probably leave me pg during our move and having to try to transfer care to a MW for an HBAC. I really want MY MW, the one who stuck with me through DS's complicated birthing, I keep seeing it in my mind as a very healing process. I need her this time. Now I don't know what to do.

><> I'm a Christian, knitting, sewing, cooking SAHM to the fearless adventurer Jack born 11/08, and  a  USCG wife
And we are joyfully awaiting a new addition in April 2011! <><
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Old 02-19-2010, 11:50 PM
 
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I don't know what I have posted here, or if any of you even remember me posting on ere, but wanted to share my latest news. DH and I have had many conversations about having another, and he has said that he wants one too ( : ), we just have really one thing holding us back right now.

We need a bigger place. Our lease is up here at the end of March, and the rent is paid up until then, and we found a 4 bedroom apartment, closer to work/school/everything, for only $130 more per month than our cramped 2 bedroom basement apartment. It is not that we need more space for the baby necessarily, just for our hobbies and better storage. If we get the 4 bedroom place, we will have our bedroom, the girls a bedroom, a playroom, and a craft/guest room. With space for a playroom, I can do more childcare in my home, and maybe even break free from my baby container loving child care center for awhile on my path towards my own childcare center.

After we get a bigger place, we just have to organize and plan out the space, and DH wants to try to live an uncluttered life for a few months before we add baby gear, since we tend to get very cluttered quickly.

So, I now have a realistic timeline. I still am not in the mood to wait, but, the end is in sight for me

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Old 02-20-2010, 06:03 PM
 
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I don't know what I have posted here, or if any of you even remember me posting on ere, but wanted to share my latest news. DH and I have had many conversations about having another, and he has said that he wants one too ( : ), we just have really one thing holding us back right now.

We need a bigger place. Our lease is up here at the end of March, and the rent is paid up until then, and we found a 4 bedroom apartment, closer to work/school/everything, for only $130 more per month than our cramped 2 bedroom basement apartment. It is not that we need more space for the baby necessarily, just for our hobbies and better storage. If we get the 4 bedroom place, we will have our bedroom, the girls a bedroom, a playroom, and a craft/guest room. With space for a playroom, I can do more childcare in my home, and maybe even break free from my baby container loving child care center for awhile on my path towards my own childcare center.

After we get a bigger place, we just have to organize and plan out the space, and DH wants to try to live an uncluttered life for a few months before we add baby gear, since we tend to get very cluttered quickly.

So, I now have a realistic timeline. I still am not in the mood to wait, but, the end is in sight for me
That is GREAT news about the new place--it sounds perfect! I'm like you in that I don't want to wait, but we're looking at this summer. It really does not makes sense to try earlier than that because of my school schedule--I just know in the bottom of my heart that if I were to get pregnant sooner than that I wouldn't finish my master's degree--I'm supposed to write my thesis this coming year. Or at least, it would be greatly, greatly delayed. I so wish I had gone back to school a couple years earlier--I just turned 32 and don't want to wait any longer for kids. In a way it was almost good that I had a molar pregnancy, because there is an enforced wait time and the timing really is better this way in terms of finishing school. However, it is so, so hard. Everywhere someone else in my age group is getting pregnant, and those with babies keep posting the most adorable pictures on Facebook--I'm so impatient. I want a baby NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW.

Fiction writer by training, writer/editor of anything anyone will hire me for by trade. Me + D=my girls E (4/2011) and little N, 1/2014.

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Old 02-21-2010, 01:49 AM
 
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I thought an official post might be in order as I need a place to wait...

My daughter turned four in February and we are presently wanting but waiting until.. I don't know when. I think that the fall of 2012 might be the most realistic timeframe, I just don't want to think that it could be that far off.

We are not financially secure enough at this point in time, we are working on getting out of debt so that I will have the option to take time off work or choose to stay home. So that we can afford a midwife (no VBAC hospitals near us) and while I know those are all important things.. I ache every month for a baby, I spend the first day of AF just in fog because it means I'm not pregnant. The past few months it's been particulary difficult and I'm trying to find a way to make it liveable when I know I have so much longer to wait.

I think one of the things I feel saddest about is that I really wanted our "spacing" to be better, B. has been asking for a sibling for over 6 months now. By the time she is a big sister she will be at least 5.5, maybe older. B was a surprise, she was about 4 years earlier than we anticipated having kids (I'll be 25 this year).

I've started making a list of things that I know we have to have done before we are done "waiting". I'm hoping to check off as many as I can, most of them are little things that I keep ignoring because I'm still in limbo.

I finally picked up some folic acid at the store today, I've been intending to start on some just because technically there is always the chance that I could become pregnant. I also want to start exercising regularly as it is something I intend to do during pregnancy next time around. I want to be ready so that as soon as we are out of debt we can just go for it instead of finally getting on the ball to lose the 20 lbs I wanted to lose before getting pregnant.

wife of 8 years to DH geek.gif, mama to DD blahblah.gif (2006) & DS jog.gif (2011) angel1.gif (Dec. 2012) rainbow1284.gif due Nov. 2013 

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Old 02-21-2010, 04:18 AM
 
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Urrrggg......DH added one more stipulation to us TTC today. He wants Lexi (our three year old) to be completely potty trained with no accidents for 1 month before we TTC. She is being so stubborn about potty learning that I feel this will be what holds us back now. Oh well....he watched me ohh and awww over all the newborn pictures from our local hospital today, and look at several things to get as a gift for my coworker (now that we know her baby is a girl ) Almost every thing, I pointed out what we could do with the one for our baby when it is time.

jeneca mommy to kamille, 6 lexi, 4
#3 due 2/28/12

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Old 02-21-2010, 04:30 AM
 
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I am here. Wanting but waiting until January 2011 for HBAC reasons. As much as I know I don't need a newborn in nine months, it doesn't stop me from wanting one.

I'm Kellie :, married to Chris , and mom to one baby girl (7/12/09).
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Old 02-21-2010, 04:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I started taking my prenatals yesterday and I feel way better. I feel like at least Im doing something productive now! AF is still MIA. Its beginning to get frustrating because I had it back at 6 weeks last time. At first I was glad because I wasnt ready to TTC yet so it made not trying easier. But if it comes back I feel like I will probably want to try early. Im soooo clucky. Its driving me crazy not being able to try even if I want to. Anyone know any ideas to help bring the cycle back???
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Old 02-24-2010, 01:44 PM
 
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I'm reading Naomi Wolf's Misconceptions and trying to work out my reasons for wanting a baby (I would like to have a good reason, but am not sure there really is one). I read my husband a passage from the book last night about how a baby should be born into a strong support system and be accepted as its own entity -- not just as an extension of the parents. Anyway, Wolf put it better than I could. It opened up a conversation that left me feeling better about my husband adapting to life with a baby. I've been worried that he'll see all of his freedom as disappearing, but I have to give him more credit as someone I love and trust to step up to the challenge.
After reading about it on this thread, I picked up "Misconceptions" at the library today. I'm really enjoying it so far!
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Old 02-24-2010, 05:12 PM
 
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Can one explode from wanting a baby?

My sister just had twins. It's eye-opening how much work babies actually take. But I can't wait to make it all my own. DP is no longer saying "NO", he seems to be thinking about it.

I'm not very patient. My Wish List is well on the way on Amazon... we are talking cloth diapers, we are talking baby outfits, we talking toys. *sigh*

I try not to smother DP with my baby talk, but he's been super patient. Hope he will crack soon. We are out of unemployment finally!

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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Old 02-24-2010, 05:24 PM
 
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Can one explode from wanting a baby?

My sister just had twins. It's eye-opening how much work babies actually take. But I can't wait to make it all my own. DP is no longer saying "NO", he seems to be thinking about it.

I'm not very patient. My Wish List is well on the way on Amazon... we are talking cloth diapers, we are talking baby outfits, we talking toys. *sigh*

I try not to smother DP with my baby talk, but he's been super patient. Hope he will crack soon. We are out of unemployment finally!
OMG I am so there with you. It's torture.

Fiction writer by training, writer/editor of anything anyone will hire me for by trade. Me + D=my girls E (4/2011) and little N, 1/2014.

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Old 02-25-2010, 12:04 AM
 
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Hello, add me to the waiting until 2010 list (may.)
There is an ever-so-slight chance I could be pregnant right now, but I honestly doubt it. If I am not, I really want to spend a couple of months working on getting myself in shape and getting my clutter in order before we start officially TTC. I will work on these things anyway, but I feel like I will handle a pregnancy much better if I do a few things to help prepare. I got really sick with the first two and expect it to happen again.
I am also hoping that my dh will be more excited about it by then. He is not against it, but it would be so nice to have him on board and excited about it. I also like the idea of waiting until late winter/early spring (or later) to give birth, since my first are september and november.

Anyway, I need somewhere to think out loud and remember why I am waiting, so I will join in this thread

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Old 02-25-2010, 04:46 AM
 
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The bigger place fell through. Everything else around here is WAY more expensive, so I guess we have to wait for awhile. It is still a daily conversation right now.

jeneca mommy to kamille, 6 lexi, 4
#3 due 2/28/12

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Old 02-25-2010, 04:49 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Ardor View Post
I have to say that I'm actually happy to see AF show up today. This means that if I get pregnant anytime from here on out, I won't be giving birth until I graduate college! Well, assuming I have another boring long pregnancy This feels like such a milestone. I remember thinking about this last year and March sounded so far away. I know we aren't really officially trying until this December, but knowing that we don't have to work as hard to prevent gives me a lot of relief.
I am dropping out of school this semester (not doing that well and completely lost interest), so I will just have more time to sit around and wait

I am so glad you all will be able to finish your degrees though!

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Old 02-25-2010, 04:35 PM
 
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I am dropping out of school this semester (not doing that well and completely lost interest), so I will just have more time to sit around and wait

I am so glad you all will be able to finish your degrees though!
I'm sorry that you're having to leave school. Well, unless you're going to be happy to be rid of it!

I tell myself that it would be ok to get pregnant right now, but I remember how miserable and sick I was for months during my last pregnancy and how difficult it was to think and concentrate and I know that trying to finish school pregnant would be very difficult so I should just keep waiting... Also, my husband seems to think that having another baby in our two bedroom apartment would be just fine (that would make three kids and two adults in two bedrooms)! That is not going to happen - we need a bigger place or I'll go crazy. We're so cluttered as it is. Rent is really expensive here though - like $1450 for a 3 bedroom apartment.
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Old 02-25-2010, 04:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Ardor View Post
I'm sorry that you're having to leave school. Well, unless you're going to be happy to be rid of it!

I tell myself that it would be ok to get pregnant right now, but I remember how miserable and sick I was for months during my last pregnancy and how difficult it was to think and concentrate and I know that trying to finish school pregnant would be very difficult so I should just keep waiting... Also, my husband seems to think that having another baby in our two bedroom apartment would be just fine (that would make three kids and two adults in two bedrooms)! That is not going to happen - we need a bigger place or I'll go crazy. We're so cluttered as it is. Rent is really expensive here though - like $1450 for a 3 bedroom apartment.
I am waiting to finish school too! I can't imagine myself pregnant and working in a pro kitchen during the last few months of my pregnancy. We are also waiting until we move so i can be helpful and not hurt during a big transition. I sometimes want to quit school just so i can enjoy time with my partners but i am still learning so much and love it. So i think i have to stick it out until I graduate.

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Old 02-25-2010, 06:16 PM
 
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I can't imagine myself pregnant and working in a pro kitchen during the last few months of my pregnancy.
Ahh... remember trying to do dishes in the third trimester? Standing sideways against the sink?
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Old 02-26-2010, 11:03 AM
 
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Oh my god yes. I hated every living second of it. I had the WORST back pain and swelling

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Old 02-26-2010, 12:37 PM
 
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We took a Dave Ramsey course through the fall and we are working hard at paying off debt but it may still take us another 2 years. I'm hopeful that even if that is the case that we will be able to TTC in winter of 2011 (that sounds so far away!) because DD will start Kindergarten in fall of 2011 and because we should be mostly done with paying things off at that point in time.
Dave actually does not have a problem with interrupting the Snowball to have a baby. If you chose to do this he recommends you stop your snowball and start working on an emergency fund. Then once mom and baby are here and safe you can go back to your snowball.
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Old 02-26-2010, 12:46 PM
 
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Dave actually does not have a problem with interrupting the Snowball to have a baby. If you chose to do this he recommends you stop your snowball and start working on an emergency fund. Then once mom and baby are here and safe you can go back to your snowball.
Unfortunately right now my income is needed to pay the bills and we're talking about me staying home either full-time or part-time once we have a second child.. Which I can't do right now. So waiting and praying and waiting some more. Thank you though.

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Old 02-26-2010, 01:16 PM
 
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Can I introduce myself? I have two kiddos. They turn 5 and 3 in March and April respectively. We have been thinking about having another baby for almost a year. Unfortunately both births were hard with the second ending in a c-section and my husband is worried about having another. He thinks my 'problems' as he says are too much. He doesn't know anything about birth unfortunately. There is no reason to think I will have difficulties next time around.
I do want to lose weight before TTC. I weigh 150lbs and I am supposed to weigh 115lbs. I want to be at my healthiest for my pregnancy. I gained 60 lbs with both kids and do not want to repeat that.
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