Wanting But Waiting Tribe *2010* - Page 7 - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-24-2010, 12:59 AM
 
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I'll look into fostering in NYC and then talk to him. That's something he might be open to. Thanks for the encouragement.

Edited to add: What a disappointment! Right off the bat, the NYC Children's Services website tells me my two options for foster care in the neighborhood I live in are exclusively for Hispanic children and Jewish children. I'll still look into them/other options further, but it seems unlikely we'd be ideal candidates (as we are neither), even if my husband feels positive about the idea.

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Old 03-25-2010, 10:18 AM
 
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No, but we didn't agree TO have kids, either. That isn't to say we didn't talk about it. We did, and we both were ambivalent. In fact, we were in almost the same place -- we thought that we might like kids someday, but we weren't sure. We were open to the idea of adoption if we couldn't conceive biologically and decided we wanted children. That was 9 years ago, and we've both matured and changed. We were in our 20s then; now we're in our 30s. We couldn't predict how we'd feel now. How rotten it feels to have ended up in different spots in this area.

Edited to add: Thanks for your response.
Neuromancer, I feel your pain. When my husband and I got married (goin on 6 years), we both said yea, we want kids...someday. It just seems like my someday came MUCH sooner than his. We're both in our 30's now and he hasnt batted an eye on the subject. It really sucks to be in two places about such a black or white issue (either you have kids or you dont).

And fostering or adoption is no different...its the lifestyle change they seem to be worried about. Very fiercely protective of maintaining things AS IS (nevermind our AS IS is more miserable than their AS IS ).

I also would never consider leaving my husband just because he may not ever want kids. I married HIM for HIM not for the potential kids we could have.

But Lord knows I wish he'd come to a concrete decision about this.

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Old 03-25-2010, 07:32 PM
 
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Neuromancer, I feel your pain. When my husband and I got married (goin on 6 years), we both said yea, we want kids...someday. It just seems like my someday came MUCH sooner than his. We're both in our 30's now and he hasnt batted an eye on the subject. It really sucks to be in two places about such a black or white issue (either you have kids or you dont).

And fostering or adoption is no different...its the lifestyle change they seem to be worried about. Very fiercely protective of maintaining things AS IS (nevermind our AS IS is more miserable than their AS IS ).

I also would never consider leaving my husband just because he may not ever want kids. I married HIM for HIM not for the potential kids we could have.

But Lord knows I wish he'd come to a concrete decision about this.
Thanks, Brown Lioness. I've been so down in the dumps about this the past week or so. I feel like I started whining about wanting to have a kid, which is dangerous because I don't want him to associate the discussion with me whining -- or with me pressuring him.

But today I talked to my husband in a less whiny tone. He said that he had been thinking about his career aspirations and mine, and my thought that I might like to go back to school (sooner, rather than later, if we aren't going to have a child). He said two things that cheered me up, even if they are NOT more definitive. The first was that he thinks that we could possibly do both (though not necessarily at the same time) -- that it would be hard to both have a baby AND for me to go back to school, but that he doesn't want me to have regrets. The second thing he said was that he realized that he's reached one of his career goals. He's made something of a name for himself in his field and he had wanted international travel to come with his job. Well, this year someone's paying for him to fly to Egypt, so he's recognizing that as a goal met. So he doesn't have to be scared that having a baby would mean that dream would never come true.

This does NOT, however, mean he's saying, "Yes," and, like you, I want a definite answer to wrap my brain around. But he reminded me that in February he asked for 6 months to mull it over (and for us to keep discussing in the meantime). So I'm going back to waiting until the end of the summer or early fall. Then maybe he'll be ready to pin himself down with a yes or no. And, in the meantime, I'll keep working on getting things in order for myself and trying not to feel jealous (of my pregnant and parenting friends) and hopeless.

Thanks again for the support.

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Old 03-26-2010, 04:24 PM
 
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Neuromancer and Brown Lioness, I know EXACTLY how you feel.

I've been away from the boards for a while - partially because of some required classes for work, but also because I wasn't sure how I was feeling about things.

I thought my DH was warming up to the idea of TTC, but I think I was a bit wrong. Last time we DTD, he WD - I didn't think he was going to anymore, but apparently I misunderstood. It was right around when I should have been fertile based on my charts (not temping, just tracking dates) so I was disappointed. The next day, we got into a pretty emotional discussion/debate about it. He said that he felt like the only reason I wanted to have sex was so I would get pregnant. I told him that I wouldn't lie and that I hoped that would happen, but that wasn't the only reason. (We have had some issues with my low body image/self esteem and lack of libido while I was on the pill for years affecting our sex life.) The conversation kept going for a while, in a few different directions. That was March 1.

The following weekend, we were at my in-laws for dinner with all my BiLs and their SOs - having kids often comes up in conversation since one SiL just had one and another, like me, wants one. I mentioned wanting one and he told me (again) that he wants a clean house. I seriously think that this is a major issue holding him back from saying yes to me. I also don't think I realized how big a deal it was until recently - you'd think I would after the number of arguments it has caused, but apparently I'm great at denial.

So, I spent last weekend cleaning up a good bit, and this weekend (after the taxes) I am planning on more. Keep your fingers crossed that this really is the roadblock.

On top of that, now I'm late. I've been tracking my cycle on FF since September (I stopped the Pill in July) - it's been an ave of 32 days, with the longest at 40. I've been dead on tracking O with CM (based on FF's predictions of my period, which are always accurate.) I'm on CD41 today. I POAS a few days ago, but it was Neg. I don't have any PMS symptoms, and other than some weird pulling feeling where I'd normally feel cramps a few weeks ago and on and off EW-ish CM for the last couple of weeks, I don't have anything that would make me think I'm preggo. I'm guessing that the stress/emotional conversations may have delayed O for me, but I'm not sure at this point. Any thoughts?

Sorry for the novel!!! It's good to be back

Me: T (32), DH: M (33); (Miss you mom! 1/17/00)
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Old 03-27-2010, 12:48 PM
 
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I'm glad and not glad, if you know what I mean, that there are others in the same boat. Pinkgeek, I had to take a little break from the boards, too. And I totally get your disappointment with your husband's WD -- and how much it sucks when BCP messes with hormones to the point of making desire an iffy proposition (so to speak)!

I don't know anything about charting, so I can't speak to your being late, but it's an interesting development, to say the least.

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Old 03-30-2010, 02:59 PM
 
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It's been quiet around here for a few days...hope everyone is doing ok.

It's CD45 and still no AF for me, and a total of 3 BFN. If I am preg. I am no less than 25DPO (we only DTD once since my last AF, so assuming sperm live for 5 days, it couldn't be any less than that...) which is why I'm pretty much thinking that O was delayed or just didn't happen.

At this point, I'm trying to figure out when I should start trying to get in to see my Dr. to make sure nothing's wrong. *sigh*

Me: T (32), DH: M (33); (Miss you mom! 1/17/00)
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:03 PM
 
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I'm here, I'm doing find. We are planning to start TTC on my next cycle. I just haven't been posting here, since so many of the ladies seem to be dealing with much longer waits than me, and I know what it's like to want something, and see others getting to do/have it, and not being able to do/have it yourself.

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I have lost my dreams--Dar Williams
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Old 03-30-2010, 08:58 PM
 
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I've been reading but not posting. Not much to say except that it looks like our time line is being pushed back, maybe until 2011. I have mixed feelings about it. We had some unexpected expenses come up and can't start saving for the MW until the end of the year. Then I found out I'm 40lbs overweight. Now I can't stop thinking about that darn number.

><> I'm a Christian, knitting, sewing, cooking SAHM to the fearless adventurer Jack born 11/08, and  a  USCG wife
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Old 03-30-2010, 11:20 PM
 
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I'm here, I'm doing find. We are planning to start TTC on my next cycle. I just haven't been posting here, since so many of the ladies seem to be dealing with much longer waits than me, and I know what it's like to want something, and see others getting to do/have it, and not being able to do/have it yourself.
Glad you're doing well. You know, as jealous as I get of people in my life who are having babies, I don't feel that way about people here on MDC. Other people may be more sensitive about it, and that's a valid way to feel, but for me it doesn't hurt with "virtual" friends like it does with real ones. So I'm happy you're planning to TTC next cycle. Good luck!

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Old 03-31-2010, 02:42 PM
 
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as jealous as I get of people in my life who are having babies, I don't feel that way about people here on MDC. Other people may be more sensitive about it, and that's a valid way to feel, but for me it doesn't hurt with "virtual" friends like it does with real ones.
I feel the same way! You put it into words way better than I could have

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Old 03-31-2010, 09:39 PM
 
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I feel the same way! You put it into words way better than I could have
I third that emotion. I dont get upset about folks sharing their happy news or anything like that online. I have the choice to click and read, you know? Ive been to other boards where people got so upset at folks sharing news that they reported them as ABUSE. I think at that point, those upset folks need to log off.

For me, all i want is the OUTLET to vent, brainstorm and share. I dont get to share these thoughts IRL because, well, it would freak/stress hubby out and no one else seems to understand where im coming from.

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Old 04-01-2010, 08:33 PM
 
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Hi all. Looks like I'll be joining this group (again) as it is likely that my husband and I are going to ttc but not for at least a few more months. This would be number 3 for us, and it has been something we've been talking and thinking about for a long, long time. I'm really nervous and excited and not yet sure exactly how to feel since we only really have been seriously discussing it for about the past month, even thought we've thought about it off and on for at least two years.
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Old 04-01-2010, 09:21 PM
 
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Might be joining as well : .. I have no idea right now if we are going to TTC now or put it off for about 1 year due to my amalgam fillings (want to get them removed but not sure what to do..!) I really want to TTC right now so badly.. it's hard I don't know how to make a decision... :

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Old 04-01-2010, 09:50 PM
 
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Glad you're doing well. You know, as jealous as I get of people in my life who are having babies, I don't feel that way about people here on MDC. Other people may be more sensitive about it, and that's a valid way to feel, but for me it doesn't hurt with "virtual" friends like it does with real ones. So I'm happy you're planning to TTC next cycle. Good luck!
Thanks. And thanks for explaining how you (and it looks like others, too) feel about on line vs. real life friends getting pregnant.

Ru , wife to DH . Astin (4/26/10) & Ember (5/19/10).
I have lost my dreams--Dar Williams
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Old 04-01-2010, 11:28 PM
 
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I'd been feeling pretty positive and hopeful earlier in this thread, but I don't anymore. I now feel like I'm in complete, miserable limbo. I think my husband is going to "think about it" forever. We've had some great theoretical conversations, but I'm sick of it being theoretical. He's too comfortable with no baby to want a baby. He is too nervous about having to give up on any corner or edge of his career aspirations (I'm not having a baby without a partner who expresses his willingness to strive for an equitable arrangement) or recreational time.

The expense of a child scares him, as does the possibility that we'll have to move (to a bigger, more expensive apartment), and he doesn't like the idea that maybe we'd have to travel less (not that we travel that much now). He's perfectly happy the way things are and doesn't want to strike out into an unknown territory. I have worries and fears, but I also want to be a mother. I think we're at an impasse. Which means "no TTC." I've said it all before. I'm a broken record -- to you in this thread, to him, to my best friend. I'm so tired of this.

He won't say "no." He won't say "yes." But no "yes" OR "no" means "no."

3 friends and 5 coworkers have lovely babies, 4 women I see often are pregnant, and my best friend's thinking about trying for her 2nd. I don't enjoy feeling all of this jealousy and sadness. I feel bitter and depressed.

I'm not about to give him an ultimatum or leave (or secretly stop taking my bcp). We've been married almost 9 years, and together for 15. I'd choose my husband over a baby, so I guess I'm stuck.
Something that may help you guys.. I saw an episode of Dr. Phil a few months back about compromise and I think one of the couples had this exact same issue. He asked them to rate their desires on a scale of 1-10. For the husband, how strong was his desire NOT to have a child. 0 meaning he would rather jump off a bridge than have a baby and 10 meaning he could deal with .. then she had to rate her desire TO have a baby .. 0 meaning it didn't matter to her at all and 10 meaning she couldn't live without one. She rated her desire to have a baby at a 10 and he rated his desire NOT to have a baby at around a 5. So in this case (and this is likely yours as well) when it is extremely important to one partner the ambivalent partner should try and do what he can to make the situation more comfortable for him so that his wife can have the one thing she desires .. it's not like he is STRONGLY opposed to having kids - just apprehensive..

This isn't the exact transcript (doesn't show where he had them rate it) but you can get the gist of it here..!
http://www.drphil.com/slideshows/sli...ew=&versionID=

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Old 04-01-2010, 11:30 PM
 
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Thanks, Brown Lioness. I've been so down in the dumps about this the past week or so. I feel like I started whining about wanting to have a kid, which is dangerous because I don't want him to associate the discussion with me whining -- or with me pressuring him.

But today I talked to my husband in a less whiny tone. He said that he had been thinking about his career aspirations and mine, and my thought that I might like to go back to school (sooner, rather than later, if we aren't going to have a child). He said two things that cheered me up, even if they are NOT more definitive. The first was that he thinks that we could possibly do both (though not necessarily at the same time) -- that it would be hard to both have a baby AND for me to go back to school, but that he doesn't want me to have regrets. The second thing he said was that he realized that he's reached one of his career goals. He's made something of a name for himself in his field and he had wanted international travel to come with his job. Well, this year someone's paying for him to fly to Egypt, so he's recognizing that as a goal met. So he doesn't have to be scared that having a baby would mean that dream would never come true.

This does NOT, however, mean he's saying, "Yes," and, like you, I want a definite answer to wrap my brain around. But he reminded me that in February he asked for 6 months to mull it over (and for us to keep discussing in the meantime). So I'm going back to waiting until the end of the summer or early fall. Then maybe he'll be ready to pin himself down with a yes or no. And, in the meantime, I'll keep working on getting things in order for myself and trying not to feel jealous (of my pregnant and parenting friends) and hopeless.

Thanks again for the support.
Is the "yes" or "no" meaning ever or just for right now..? Maybe rather than getting a concrete yes or no you can get a time frame out of him instead..? I.E. in Spring 2011 we can TTC..? Or is the time frame the thing you are trying to get that he is not able to give..?

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Old 04-02-2010, 06:09 PM
 
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Is the "yes" or "no" meaning ever or just for right now..? Maybe rather than getting a concrete yes or no you can get a time frame out of him instead..? I.E. in Spring 2011 we can TTC..? Or is the time frame the thing you are trying to get that he is not able to give..?
Well, since I want to have a baby right now, and I'm 33 if he says no, I'm going to consider that as a "no for right now" but treat it practically like a "never." Then, if he changes his mind "later," he can let me know. I would take a "time frame yes" if it was within a year. I think I'd better consider anything else "no," or I risk disappointment.

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Old 04-02-2010, 06:17 PM
 
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Something that may help you guys.. I saw an episode of Dr. Phil a few months back about compromise and I think one of the couples had this exact same issue. He asked them to rate their desires on a scale of 1-10. For the husband, how strong was his desire NOT to have a child. 0 meaning he would rather jump off a bridge than have a baby and 10 meaning he could deal with .. then she had to rate her desire TO have a baby .. 0 meaning it didn't matter to her at all and 10 meaning she couldn't live without one. She rated her desire to have a baby at a 10 and he rated his desire NOT to have a baby at around a 5. So in this case (and this is likely yours as well) when it is extremely important to one partner the ambivalent partner should try and do what he can to make the situation more comfortable for him so that his wife can have the one thing she desires .. it's not like he is STRONGLY opposed to having kids - just apprehensive..

This isn't the exact transcript (doesn't show where he had them rate it) but you can get the gist of it here..!
http://www.drphil.com/slideshows/sli...ew=&versionID=

Interesting. I think both scores are important for both of us, in this case. I probably want a baby between a 7 and an 9 (depending on the day and the situation). Because you win something, lose something either way!

Maybe I'll ask my husband what his scores would be on both scales. I want our desire TO have a baby to be close. I wouldn't be excited about having a baby with him if I want one and he "doesn't not want one." That sounds like code for me talking him into it.

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Old 04-03-2010, 11:35 AM
 
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Interesting. I think both scores are important for both of us, in this case. I probably want a baby between a 7 and an 9 (depending on the day and the situation). Because you win some, lose some either way!

Maybe I'll ask my husband what his scores would be on both scales. I want our desire TO have a baby to be close. I wouldn't be excited about having a baby with him if I want one and he "doesn't not want one." That sounds like code for me talking him into it.

Desire TO have a baby (0 meaning it doesn't matter to you at all and 10 meaning you couldn't live without one):
I want to have a baby: 7-9 (depending on the day)
He wants to have a baby: 4-6 (depending on the day)

So we almost touch in the middle of the scale. I could call myself a 6-8, probably. Maybe he could get to 5-7. Still, I wish he was above a 4 on his low end. I'm not having a kid with someone who is a 4-6.

But he made the point that he factors his desire to NOT have a baby into his desire TO have a baby, so they don't really exist in two separate areas for him.

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Old 04-03-2010, 02:02 PM
 
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If it makes you feel any better, my husband said about 6 months ago that he was 80/20 or 90/10 against/for having a baby and at that time I was maybe 60/40 for/against. We've been talking about it more and more, and now we're at the planning to ttc stage and we even talked about names a little yesterday. Sometimes it just takes a while to get used to the idea before you can really start to envision it as part of your life. Maybe that's where your dh is right now.
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Old 04-03-2010, 10:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That means your husband's desire to NOT have one, is also 4-6, so he's basically smack in the middle of going either way.
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Old 04-04-2010, 01:21 AM
 
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That means your husband's desire to NOT have one, is also 4-6, so he's basically smack in the middle of going either way.
Yeah it could be helpful to get 2 separate scores because men obviously don't feel that same biological "kick" TO have children that we do.. maybe the 6 is his desire TO have a baby and the 4 is his desire NOT to have a baby

Wow I am confusing myself now too .. haha

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Old 04-04-2010, 02:25 AM
 
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It is confusing! But when he explained to me why he doesn't feel like he has two separate scales, it made sense.

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Old 04-04-2010, 11:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well either way, he's sitting on the fence.

Can you get him interested in some of the cool things that fathering entails? Does he like reading? Maybe there are some good father focused natural parenting books he could read. Father's seem to like to focus on the factual part of it- like if you give him something evidence based about the history of current parenting practices it might get him fumed enough to want to make a difference and do things differently with his own kids . Or if he likes sports you could talk about what sports he might teach the child when they are older.

Men tend to see the practical side, what it will mean for them financially, what they will lose of your time etc. So if you can show him plans to make everything work, practically speaking, then give him little things to get excited about, maybe he will start to see the positives too. If he is mostly worried about his loss of personal time you could make a plan now for him to maintain the things which are important. Like a date night once a fortnight no matter what. Or every saturday morning is his time to hang out with the boys- no matter what. Talk about it now, and make deals/plans now. But be honest with each other about what you can and cant handle.

It depends on what is important to him and what he is most worried about. But it sounds like he will eventually come around to it, so you can just help put him on the right path. The joys of parenting far outweigh the negatives. It can be hard for some people to see that until they actually become parents though.
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Old 04-04-2010, 12:20 PM
 
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I am still waiting. I have to get an ultrasound to help the doc find my IUD, and they are taking forever to get back to me about it I wanted to chart and avoid for a full 3 months after removal to give my cycle some time to adjust, so I guess I may have to wait an extra month. All the worry lately is killing me...

jeneca mommy to kamille, 6 lexi, 4
#3 due 2/28/12

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Old 04-04-2010, 10:04 PM
 
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Well either way, he's sitting on the fence.

Can you get him interested in some of the cool things that fathering entails? Does he like reading? Maybe there are some good father focused natural parenting books he could read. Father's seem to like to focus on the factual part of it- like if you give him something evidence based about the history of current parenting practices it might get him fumed enough to want to make a difference and do things differently with his own kids . Or if he likes sports you could talk about what sports he might teach the child when they are older.

Men tend to see the practical side, what it will mean for them financially, what they will lose of your time etc. So if you can show him plans to make everything work, practically speaking, then give him little things to get excited about, maybe he will start to see the positives too. If he is mostly worried about his loss of personal time you could make a plan now for him to maintain the things which are important. Like a date night once a fortnight no matter what. Or every saturday morning is his time to hang out with the boys- no matter what. Talk about it now, and make deals/plans now. But be honest with each other about what you can and cant handle.

It depends on what is important to him and what he is most worried about. But it sounds like he will eventually come around to it, so you can just help put him on the right path. The joys of parenting far outweigh the negatives. It can be hard for some people to see that until they actually become parents though.
This is all great advice, and we've been working on a "baby plan." I've kept notes on what we've talked about -- plans to give each of us time alone, with the baby, as a family, and as a couple, plans to encourage us to continue in our careers (if we choose), plans for us to have a little time for hobbies. So we'll keep doing that. And we talk about the books I'm reading, how our friends parent, my ideas about parenting, etc.

Yesterday we were hanging out with friends (2 couples) and their kids, an almost 2-year old and a 3-year old. I said, in a teasing, non-pushy way, "Don't you want a little kid to follow you around yelling, "Daddy!" in delight?" He didn't really have an answer for that.

He did listen to Michael Chabon's book on fatherhood, and he's thinking about getting together with the few friends of his who are dads to talk to them about how their lives have changed.

And I'll keep hoping he gets off the fence. I want it now, not "later."

Libranbutterfly -- sorry you're still waiting! It must be hard to wait for doctors to get their acts together.

First child born March 2011.  Constantly in awe!
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Old 04-04-2010, 10:16 PM
 
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Uh oh..! Hope those friends are happy being dads ..! LOL

Me (22) + DH (24) -- Waiting for baby #1
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Old 04-05-2010, 11:53 AM
 
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I'm having a hard time right now with the idea that we've pretty much decided yes, but now I have to wait 3-4 months to ttc. I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row before then so I feel like I'm doing something about it. It is a really weird feeling making the decision after spending about 2 years agonizing over it. I guess a few months is just a drop in the bucket, but it seems like a long time.
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Old 04-05-2010, 01:26 PM
 
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Wanted to post a quick update. I'm on CD51 and still no AF. Not really many PMS symptoms either. I did have cramps on Thursday last week and some minor b****iness, but no wanting to eat everything in the house

I did bring it up to my acupuncture chick last week and she did a treatment that eliminated 90% of the cramps, which is awesome; hopefully AF will rear her ugly head soon, but just in case I did make a GYN appt for Monday. If AF isn't here by then, I figure it's a good idea to make sure everything is ok.

I keep dropping hints to DH and he still isn't saying flat out no, so I'm staying cautiously optimistic for later this year...

Me: T (32), DH: M (33); (Miss you mom! 1/17/00)
Trying to learn/prep as much as I can in hopes of someday becoming a WAHM!
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Old 04-05-2010, 10:57 PM
 
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I'm having a hard time right now with the idea that we've pretty much decided yes, but now I have to wait 3-4 months to ttc. I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row before then so I feel like I'm doing something about it. It is a really weird feeling making the decision after spending about 2 years agonizing over it. I guess a few months is just a drop in the bucket, but it seems like a long time.
That does sound like a long wait, if you've been waiting 2 years to get to this point! I hope time flies for you.

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Wanted to post a quick update. I'm on CD51 and still no AF. Not really many PMS symptoms either. I did have cramps on Thursday last week and some minor b****iness, but no wanting to eat everything in the house

I did bring it up to my acupuncture chick last week and she did a treatment that eliminated 90% of the cramps, which is awesome; hopefully AF will rear her ugly head soon, but just in case I did make a GYN appt for Monday. If AF isn't here by then, I figure it's a good idea to make sure everything is ok.

I keep dropping hints to DH and he still isn't saying flat out no, so I'm staying cautiously optimistic for later this year...
Cautiously optimistic sounds like a decent place to be. Hope AF returns or at least the GYN appt. puts you at ease.

First child born March 2011.  Constantly in awe!
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