Unplanned Pregnancy- how to tell DH??? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 20 Old 01-04-2010, 01:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So I just found out I am pregnant. We had a 4 yo DD and I've wanted more for years. DH recently expressed that he still feels traumatised by the first unplanned pregnancy (DD) even though its been a fairly good time since having her. He's in the midst of a midlife crisis of sorts and we are a breath away from separation.....I am terrified to tell him this news, because I worry it will be devestating for him, and it will make him feel even more trapped than he already does.

Any ideas on how to gently break the news? I'm so worried this will be the last straw in our relationship.

FWIW I am not unhappy to be pregnant, just unhappy to be the bearer of this news to my partner who wont want to hear it or face it. I've been thinking I might be pregnant for about a week now, and know that I may well face this pregnancy and raising this child alone as separation is a real reality and I wouldn't want either of us to make different decisions because of a baby. So I've had time to process the uncertainties and consider generally what things could be like, with or without him....but I am torn about how to present it to him, and could really use some help from those of you who may have been through this....and, did you DH handle it okay???

Thanks
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#2 of 20 Old 01-04-2010, 01:50 AM
 
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I don't have the best answer for you. A lot depends on how far along you are and how your nusband will feel about how long you wait.

My husband would have been more upset if I had not told him immediately, but my sis waited for her first prenatal appt to tell her DH.

Whatever you decide, HUGS to you and I hope it goes well.

Wife to M , Mommy to DS aka Captain Obvious  (06/06) and DD aka Lissalot  (03/09, anoxic brain injury)
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#3 of 20 Old 01-04-2010, 06:49 PM
 
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all of my little ones were unplanned (but not unwanted by me) my DP was pretty upset with #2 & #3..he is a worrier, im an "everything will work out as it is meant to" kind of person. when our middle daughter was conceived we were on the verge of breaking up and we lived apart most of the pregnancy. i moved to a different city even.. but he followed and stayed close. we moved back in together when she was a few weeks old and have since been back and forth again. sometimes these things bring you closer, sometime pull us apart. maybe a break is what your family needs to be closer..or maybe its what it needs to be healthy. im not advocating breaking up, but i know that the time & space that i had when we were separated was exactly what i need in my life at that time. i hope that you find what you need for you and your family & new baby. they are a blessing and once in the world bring so much love and joy.

 

 

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#4 of 20 Old 01-04-2010, 09:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So I told him last night....just sat him down and told him. He wasn't as shocked as I thought he would be, but sadly he feels the only choice is to terminate the pregnancy. I'm not surprised at his response- I know that he is only just beginning to process how the experience of our first surprise pregnancy was for him, and I know this is very devistating to him right now. However, I'm not sure what to do next.

I didn't think I could ever consider termination, but after he talked a bit I suddenly felt so un-confident and crazy to think I could manage this alone. I also felt that if I *do* have this baby, it might be the end of our marriage. We've been trying really hard to work it out, and I dont know if we could navigate this together.

MamaFern- I'm so grateful for your story you shared about your experiences. I agree, sometimes time apart is helpful. Its just so not the vision I've always had for myself you know- happy family, joyful partner, excited alongside me. I thought we would never go through this shock and sadness again with an unexpected pregnancy....it feels shameful to be here again, and lonely and sad. I can do it alone, I guess...its just not what I deeply want and I'm scared I'll loose my husband and then be alone with two children...anyway, I have a lot to think through.

Went to the Dr today to find out about options. DH came with me, and I felt so sad. Couldn't stop crying in the office, telling the Dr that I'm pregnant and my H doesn't want us to have the baby and I don't know what to do. Somehow I feel 17 and so incompetent!

Thanks for listening...I'm sure I'll be back....
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#5 of 20 Old 01-04-2010, 09:30 PM
 
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From what you've said here, it seems that your DH is unwilling to accept his role in creating this new life, and instead wants you to terminate because he feels "traumatized" by the first unplanned pregnancy, and because your marriage is a little shaky right now. My feeling is that your DH will either chose to be with you or chose to seperate regardless of your being pregnant. Frankly, I think he needs to grow up.. he's a father and a husband, and he needs to step up and accept this reality. Only you know your reality; however, I'd hate for you to terminate the pregnancy and regret that decision. Before you make any decisions, I suggest that you talk to a trusted advisor of some sort (i.e. counselor, clergy person) so that you can sort out your true feelings about the pregnancy and your marriage.

FWIW, I left my first marriage to an abusive and controlling DH when my two oldest boys were 3 1/2 yrs and 8 mos. It was tough and scary at times, but I certainly managed and was able to really come into my own as a result. If nothing else, my boys always knew that they were loved and wanted, even if we had little money and life was sometimes a struggle. I am now remarried with two more boys (four total!) to a wonderful guy who loves and treats all of the boys as his own. He's also thrilled to have a large family and would love nothing more than for us to have a house full of children.

Good luck, and many hugs.

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#6 of 20 Old 01-04-2010, 09:41 PM
 
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I wonder if you can divulge a little more about why your partner feels this way? What about the pregnancy shocked him? Why was it traumatizing for him? I can get feeling really disappointed with a pregnancy.
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#7 of 20 Old 01-04-2010, 11:14 PM
 
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soul-o, i agree so much with what you say.

the amazing thing about going at it alone, is that you realise that you don't need anyone else to be a happy family (especially if you are still co-parenting and the father has a healthy relationshoip with your children)..i think in some ways having an unhappy partnership is WAY way more unhealthy for your family than being together. i too have that vision of a happy, joyous family, and it does come in tiny spurts, but most of the time we are just trying to get by and some days it feels horrible. that said, the better days are getting more and the bad days less.. growing up is pretty key. my partner and i are both under 30 with three little ones. we met and had a son within 10 months. that didnt give us much time to figure out if we were a good match.
its so hard, i remember feeling so completely torn apart that what my vision of a family is was not all all what mine had become. but i feel like a much stronger, more whole person having had these times of seperation where i did cope with two kids on my own, and even three. you CAN do it and if you decide that its the best way for you to go (or of he does) know that you will be okay.
im not against terminating pregnancy, and i chose that when i was 19 and got accidentally pregnant, but i have to say that i could not do that now. not even if i was pregnant with my 7th child. it is a very hard road to go down.. please do not let him to bully or push you into that. do it because you choose to, and no other reason...but i sense that you are already not likely to make that choice.

 

 

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#8 of 20 Old 01-05-2010, 04:45 PM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I also understand being overwhelmingly worried about an unplanned pregnancy.

Let me mention that making a decision that you don't feel right about, especially involving a pregnancy that you may want to carry to term, for the sake of your husband or your marriage is setting you up for major resentment. I can't imagine being asked to make that decision, which is very personal, for someone else, and then feel the same way about that person afterward. Please make the decision for you and your baby, and not for your spouse.

And as far as separating goes, if your relationship is in such crisis that it can't weather a new baby, which is a real possibility every time you choose to have sex, it sounds like it could fall apart at the next big thing that comes up, like a job loss, etc. Have you tried couple's counseling?


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#9 of 20 Old 01-06-2010, 12:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I really appreciate everyone's kind and thoughtful responses. I'm deeply struggling with what to do and just having more people to reflect back my expression is helpful.

I can divulge a bit more about my partner....we are from different countries/cultures and when our daughter was conceived we were not at a point in our relationship of making that kind of commitment to one another and to create a family, but we accepted it, joyfully (after some long hard processing). Recently my husband has had a bit of a breakdown, and part of the unraveling of things has been his realization that we have never really made very intentional choices about our lives together, and that our reality is based mostly on circumstances and less on intention (and as an aside, he feels this is true for himself on a personal level too- I feel this isn't true for me personally). So recently we'd been having hard times and kind of came to realize that perhaps our decision to be together wasn't wisely made, but made out of the circumstances of unplanned pregnancy...

Since my daughter's birth we've had great times, with patches of tragic and trying experiences (war, separation, etc). Overall, we've done well. But for my husband, I think he was just in the midst of really working through what his internal process was when we chose to have my daughter, and how -for him- it was not such a thorough process. I think he feels resentment at how his life has been directed by circumstances, rather than concious intentions. I get how this can feel devistating, and to find out in the midst of these realizations that its happening all over again is pretty terrible for him.

I on the other hand am having my own experience in this. I mean, I thought that I wanted more children, but not in these circumstances. I now am realizing that either way, I have to think of myself as making this choice alone. Meaning, I can't choose to have an abortion based on his desires...as PPs mentioned, it wouldn't play out well in our relationship and I would resent that. I already resent that our marriage is falling apart due to his break down- if our marriage were thriving, an unplanned pregnancy could easily be taken as a blessing. Anyway...I get that the decision to terminate would need to be thoroughly mine to make it a healthy choice for me.

And I also see that the decision to have the baby would also need to be mine alone, and with the understanding that I will be alone. Who knows what will happen with him. I'm not sure that I myself want our relationship to carry on.....he is so unempathetic, and always has been and it makes me feel abandoned and like relationship isn't possible. If I were to embrace this pregnancy I would need to draw on all my resources to make a nest for my little family, and I would need him to either be certain about being here, or be gone for a while, or forever. I don't know. It seems such a huge choice to make- not just about the baby, but about the marriage too. They're so intertwined right now.

We are seeing a marriage counselor- saw a new one today, and I loved her. My husband was less thrilled with her. Its our second one (we both agreed the first one wasn't a good fit) and I will see her again, but I don't know if my husband will. She said something really helpful, about betraying oneself in order to fit in a marriage...sometimes I feel this has been so true for me..

Sorry for the novel. It helps to get it out....

Maybe this thread should be moved to Parents as Partners??

S.
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i know that my SO has similar issues to your DP, which is in part why we have had some times of separation. i know that in many ways he feels like this was not at all what he thought his life would be like, but then he says things like he thinks that he doubts that he would even be alive without us, so its very confusing and hard some days. i told him straight out that he needed to figure out if being a family with us was really what he wanted and he tried not living with us and each time came to the same conclusion, which was that being away from us, not being part of the day to day was much harder and much more sad than missing the other things, mainly dating other people. i know that many people separate and never get back together, but when you truly love each-other (even if its a grown to love rather than a fall madly in) you will find a way for it to work out.

keep at the councelor, even if he will not. it will be very helpful to have someone else to talk to. it is my new years resolution to start to see the womans councelor in my town, not just about relationships, but also about past stuff that is holding me back or down from being the happiest person that i could be.

 

 

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#11 of 20 Old 01-06-2010, 12:23 AM
 
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Would you ever consider adoption? There are so many people out there waiting for babies. Just a thought.

Doula & Nanny,  Momma to Hope, my angel baby 6/17/08, and Momma to be- to a little boy, EDD 3.13.13

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#12 of 20 Old 01-06-2010, 01:08 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Sarahfina View Post
We had a 4 yo DD and I've wanted more for years. DH recently expressed that he still feels traumatised by the first unplanned pregnancy (DD) even though its been a fairly good time since having her. He's in the midst of a midlife crisis of sorts and we are a breath away from separation.

I am not unhappy to be pregnant
First, I am pro-choice. But I think this is a choice that is very hard for some women to live with. You have to be so sure that it is really what you WANT. Not what someone else wants. Not what is practical. What.you.want.

You said you've wanted more kids for years. Your dd is 4; IMO a really good age spacing for siblings. If you terminate and stay with your current dp, dd may be an only child. Is this something that you are ok with? Even if you terminate and don't stay with dp, you would still likely have a number of years before cultivating a new relationship to the point of having a baby together.

And I honestly don't understand your dp's trauma over an unplanned pregnancy that has led to him having a loving family. Of course there are always low points. But four years later still carrying that level of unhappiness over this seems over the top to me. And suggesting that your WIFE terminate... well, it isn't like you guys are 16 or homeless. Your situation may not be what you each PLANNED, but it seems from what you've written that it is workable if you each put the effort in - which it sounds like might be happening (with couples therapy, etc).

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Originally Posted by Sarahfina View Post
part of the unraveling of things has been his realization that we have never really made very intentional choices about our lives together, and that our reality is based mostly on circumstances and less on intention.

I think he feels resentment at how his life has been directed by circumstances, rather than concious intentions. I get how this can feel devistating, and to find out in the midst of these realizations that its happening all over again is pretty terrible for him.

I now am realizing that either way, I have to think of myself as making this choice alone.

I'm not sure that I myself want our relationship to carry on.....he is so unempathetic, and always has been and it makes me feel abandoned and like relationship isn't possible. If I were to embrace this pregnancy I would need to draw on all my resources to make a nest for my little family.
Your reality may be based on circumstance, but he now has the choice to intentionally choose HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN or to walk away. He may not realize that he could start over, intentionally, with someone new - and still have highs and lows! That is marriage - whether it was intentional or cicumstances led to it!

I absolutely agree with you that you should make this decision solely based on YOU. He may be here in a year or he may not - whether you have the baby or you don't. I hope you come to a decision that feels right for you.
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#13 of 20 Old 01-06-2010, 09:54 AM
 
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I absolutely agree with you that you should make this decision solely based on YOU. He may be here in a year or he may not - whether you have the baby or you don't. I hope you come to a decision that feels right for you.
This.

My only advice would be, examine how you feel about having the baby without him. And then examine how you feel about not having the baby without him.

I don't think it would be a good idea to terminate in an attempt to save the relationship-- like you said, it would definitely lead to pain and resentment, and probably wouldn't save the marriage anyway. But then again, you have to also figure out if you can manage raising two children by yourself (if it came to that).

I'm sorry, this is such a tough situation.

Kelly (28), in love with husband Jason (38) and our awesome babies:  Emma 4/09, and Ozzy 8/10

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#14 of 20 Old 01-06-2010, 10:06 AM
 
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OP this thread is making me cry because it sounds so much like my marriage.

DH never wanted kids or to get married but here we are, married for 3.5 years with a 3 year old. I was on the pill when I got pregnant.

He RESENTS me. This is not what he wanted for himself and he blames me even though he was an active and willing participant in baby making (and I was doing what I could to prevent).

I have an IUD and I live in CONSTANT fear that I will get pregnant again. Not a fun way to live at all IMO. If I were in your shoes, my marriage would probably end.

Just wanted to send some love. Good luck with your decision. It's not an easy one.
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#15 of 20 Old 01-06-2010, 12:33 PM
 
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Nice to see your update, OP. It seems that you are doing a lot of processing right now, and truly seeing the reality of your marriage. Attending counseling sessions will allow you to stay emotionally healthy, regardless of whether or not you stay in your marriage, or whether or not you move forward with your pregnancy. Looks like you are on the best path at this point with the counselor you found. I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this position, but I think you will find yourself empowered by making this decision your own rather than feeling as though you are at the whim of your DH.

, and please keep us updated.

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#16 of 20 Old 01-07-2010, 09:02 AM
 
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I really just want to say that it is always scary to face a life as a single mother. Whether you are pregnant or not, though I can see that it does complicate things.
I left my childrens father who was verbally abusive around 2 years ago. I lived with verbal abuse for a long time - subjecting myself and the kids to daily rage fits and tantrums, simply because I was scared of being a single mother of three.
What I really want to say is that the fear of what is new and unknown is really just that - fear of the unknown. My life now - as a single mother of three - is a much better one than being in a demanding relationship with a man I no longer had any love for. Being a single parent is hard - but really it's perfectly doable and can be very fulfilling too. I am sure you are welcome to check in on the single parenting board for experiences and advice. I know there are several mamas there who have left partners even while pregnant and some who have become pregnant while single but have chosen to go through with it anyway.

I too am pro-choice. But it does sound like you are in a place of fear for the future - the unknown - right now, and just wanted to reassure you that even if being a single mom is not what you envisioned, then it is not a terrible thing. It is just different. But you will still be the same person - probably just happier not having to deal with an unfulfilling relationship. Just - don't make such an importent decision out of fear of the unknown. A child is for life while in a few years time - if you choose to leave your husbond - then likely you will be thriving again and you will know for sure that you made the right decision to leave him. Whether you want this baby or not, just make sure that in a few years time you will still know that you made the right decision. Hugs and thoughts. Must be very difficult for you just right now.

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#17 of 20 Old 01-07-2010, 12:39 PM
 
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My DP and I had to experience a similar crisis. I really did feel he resented me for putting him in a position of raising a family when he was not ready for that. So he treated me badly and I finally got sick of it and decided to leave him when my son was about 4. Then He finally had a revelation that our family and our life together was what he really wanted, but I had 1 & 3/4 feet out the door, so it was struggle to "fix things" after that. I resented HIM for a long time for talking me into staying but we are finally okay and I just keep hoping for the best! We have two more kids now, and he didn't want any more kids, but he's a good daddy to them. Hope things work out for you soon. Your DH needs to make a decision whether or not he wants to stay in the relationship. If it's no then you need to let him go or it will just make you both miserable. You deserve the chance to find someone better if he is not going to be the husband you need him to be.

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#18 of 20 Old 01-10-2010, 02:49 AM
 
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how are you?

 

 

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#19 of 20 Old 01-12-2010, 04:41 PM
 
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I can divulge a bit more about my partner....we are from different countries/cultures and when our daughter was conceived we were not at a point in our relationship of making that kind of commitment to one another and to create a family, but we accepted it, joyfully (after some long hard processing). Recently my husband has had a bit of a breakdown, and part of the unraveling of things has been his realization that we have never really made very intentional choices about our lives together, and that our reality is based mostly on circumstances and less on intention (and as an aside, he feels this is true for himself on a personal level too- I feel this isn't true for me personally). So recently we'd been having hard times and kind of came to realize that perhaps our decision to be together wasn't wisely made, but made out of the circumstances of unplanned pregnancy...
Your husband is sounding like a 16 year old boy not an adult. Life is a series of unplanned circumstances. No one has the life they "planned". No one plans to get laid off, break a leg, crash a car or have thier house burn down, etc.

Sometimes the circumstances are small, sometimes life changing, but that is LIFE. Among those circumstances we have the freedom to make our own choices. Lets face it he made the choice to risk being a parent every time he dropped his pants, after all that what the equipement is designed to do. He made a choice, now he has to deal with the situation he helped to create.
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#20 of 20 Old 01-13-2010, 04:48 PM
 
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"Life is a series of unplanned circumstances." smpayne this is the best explanation of life ever!

IMO, I could not base taking the life of my baby into my own hands based on my partner's reaction.
Your a mama, mama.
You have a new body+spirit dwelling in you.
I pray strength and grace upon you.
What a difficult circumstance to have to deal with.

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