Really feelin it today... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 17 Old 03-01-2010, 04:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This is really just a vent...

BG: DH and I have been married a little over a year. We belong to a church that really pushes young married couples to get pregnant and have children. I don't like this church, I really dislike the culture but we need to stay in it for the time being (trust me on this one, sorry I can't elaborate).

So I totally understand exactly why it wouldn't be the best for us to TTC right now - lack of savings, we're both still in school, and I really just want to spend a few more years alone with him. I'm 21 and he's 24, and we're still just so, so in love. He's the best man in the world.

I found out today that ANOTHER one of my friends is expecting. She's 12w. Several of my friends are about to have their babies, and I have many friends who've already had 1 or 2. I LONG for a baby, our own special child to bring into this world. All of my friends can do it, why can't we? We're not any worse off. I feel like I'm as emotionally and physically prepared as I'll ever be - it really is just financially. And that we're at a bad place in our lives - I've still got 2 years left in my undergrad, DH has 1. But, the university we attend is about the most baby-friendly that you'll ever find. There are ways - we're covered by our school's insurance, medicaid would cover almost all of the costs...etc.

I don't know why I'm so sad, I really know what's best, but then again I would love to, LOVE to hold a baby in my arms. DH and I are really just looking for that light at the end of the tunnel right now with school - I can't seem to see it yet. We're wanting to finish up, get everything mobile and purchase a sailboat to live on. We want to travel. I want to have a boat baby. He's starting his own business...sigh.

Maybe this is instinctual. Maybe these feelings are just feelings that we inherently feel to assure the survival of our species. Either way, I want one. It doesn't help that every time we see a baby, DH points out how cute and adorable they are and how he wants to have some someday.

Thanks for reading.
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#2 of 17 Old 03-01-2010, 10:28 AM
 
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I remember the feeling ... we had been married about the same time when I really started thinking of TTC. We ended up waiting another 10 months or so until I was almost done with my undergrad. I ended up graduating when I was about 3-4 months. I think this is something you and your husband should talk about and go from there.
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#3 of 17 Old 03-01-2010, 02:29 PM
 
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I think this is something you and your husband should talk about and go from there.
I agree that as a married couple you should discuss it together. My only question is, how important is your spirituality? If it is at the top of the list, then good! But, if so, first and foremost you and your husband need to consult in the Lord. Ask God to show you discernment on when is His timing...after all, He is the giver and taker of life. As hard as it is, we must surrender to His plan for our lives. Yes He wants us to prosper and enjoy our livelyhood, but He is a jealous God, and He demands our first fruits. So pray together w/ your hubby and the Lord will be gracious to hear you!
Isaiah 40:31

Married to dh since July '04, SAHM to ds 2/13/09,Standing on the promises of Godhale, cd addict
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#4 of 17 Old 03-01-2010, 03:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We discuss this almost daily it seems...we're always talking about our hopes and dreams. We're always talking about when would be a good time, but how we should really just focus on one thing at a time.
To us, spirituality isn't important, as we're always just striving to better ourselves and be honest, loving people who are respectful to everyone else. I've found that spirituality can be a good tool for that, yes, but not the best for us. With trusting in the Lord, he'll either reveal something at a good time and it's great, or at a time that ends up being bad and then it's considered a "test," so really it could go either way (from what I've found personally).
Thank you for your inputs!
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#5 of 17 Old 03-03-2010, 07:02 PM
 
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I remember that feeling...of wanting a baby but knowing it's not the best time.

I got pregnant when I was a junior in college. It was really, really hard. Even if the university is family friendly, it's really hard!

My grades were a lot lower than usual because I missed class due to morning sickness/fatigue. I was stared at everywhere I went. I had to rush out of class to puke...I had to walk all over campus when it was 100 + degrees and I was HUGE.

It's been difficult to coordinate classes with breastfeeing (DS won't take a bottle), so for two semesters I've only been able to take two classes at a time. It's taking me forever to graduate!

Anyways, not trying to be discouraging! Just wanted to tell you my experience with being in college and being pregnant/having an infant.

I wish that I had waited until I graduated. I would enjoy being a mom SO much more...because being a mom, really is awesome! You'll love it.

Just in the right timing!

Student Mama to Dmitri 07/11/09. Wife to a two-job student dad. So happy with our BF, Co-sleeping, No vax, No Circ. Vegetarian Family.
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#6 of 17 Old 03-03-2010, 11:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wish that I had waited until I graduated. I would enjoy being a mom SO much more...because being a mom, really is awesome! You'll love it.

Just in the right timing!
That's what I needed to hear, thank you.
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#7 of 17 Old 03-05-2010, 02:49 AM
 
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You wouldn't be in Utah, would you? Maybe in SL or Utah county? Because from what you've described, you sure sound like you're going to BYU or something.


Mother, wife, doula, and lactivist.
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#8 of 17 Old 03-05-2010, 02:10 PM
 
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I totally get you.

While my friends mostly waited until they graduated to get married and start a family, they started quickly. We had social pressure from everyone we hung out with to start having babies NOW. This summer, my friends were having #2 & #3, and we still have an empty house. Not easy, when all the discussions with *everyone* are about diapers and parenting philosophies and potty training.

Finally this winter we decided to start TTC. The wait isn't easy (and is even harder now!), and knowing that our kids will be younger than all our friends' kids isn't easy, either- but seeing that we have had the time to be a married couple & strengthen our relationship, as well as settle down with a house and a dog and get financial goals out of the way makes the wait easier. Do we want to wait until we're rich to have kids? No, but we want to make responsible choices. I've seen the stress new parents have been under, dealing with a new baby & making ends meet, and waiting until we're 26 (not that old, right?) seems less crazy than my friends make it out to be. And if something had happened and a baby came before we expected? We would have been delighted, and things would have worked out.

Anyway, I know where you're coming from. You know what you want your life to look like- and kids will be a part of it. It's OK to say "Not yet," especially if you want to finish school & get a business off the ground. Pray about it, talk about it with your husband, let him know how you feel. If friends or people at church ask about when kids are coming, I say something like "It's in the plan" or "I'll let you know" and be purposely vague. And if you decide not to wait? Life will be different, but still good.
----------------
Sorry this is so long!

Jo - WOHM to E 12/26/10, Wife to SAHD DH.

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#9 of 17 Old 03-05-2010, 03:36 PM
 
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So religion doesn't really play into my life choices (though ethical behavior certainly does). That said....
In your shoes, I would wait at least a few years to TTC. Finish your education -- the odds of you dropping out and not completing your degree are so much higher if you have a newborn. Delayed childbearing correlates with so many positive things -- better educational and economic outlook, and I think many personal benefits as well (no disrespect to people who had babies early.)
You're 21 and I'm sure you feel completely like a full-blown adult, but honestly, 21 is really, really young to become a mother. You're still doing an enormous amount of personal growth and development. Be young, enjoy being a young newlywed. Travel. Experience life, see the world, get an education, enjoy having a little bit of discretionary income. '
I spent my early 20s finishing college and traveling the globe, and it was an amazing experience that I learned so much from and will never regret. I had a lot of fun, too. I had a baby and settled down in my late 20s, and I think I was much more equipped at that point to be a parent.
Having a baby is a wonderful, beautiful, fulfilling thing. But you know what? There's also a lot of drudgery involved in it. Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than anything on the planet. But it is really, really hard work sometimes being a parent. You don't have to rush into it. Your job right now is getting an education.
If you want to TTC, do it because you and your husband want to, not because your church is pressuring you to. In the meantime, I highly recommended either borrowing friends' babies from time to time, or adopting a shelter dog.

Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#10 of 17 Old 03-06-2010, 02:29 PM
 
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We got married in 2003, I graduated a month later. We started TTC about 3 or 4 months later. My first child was born in 05 and my second in 07. I have stayed home with them and have never worked. I love my kids but I wish I had not had them so early. We weren't finanically ready and are hurting now. Its really hard to get a job in my field because I have never worked. Its hard to admit this but you need to hear it. I wish I had not had my first kid at 22. As a PP said, enjoy being married and childless. Finish school and get a job. Work and save money like crazy. Take a couple great vacations. You will be a better person and mother for it one of these days. When you become a parent, you are parent for the rest of your life. You are only married and childless for a short time.
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#11 of 17 Old 03-06-2010, 03:19 PM
 
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I had my first (and so far only) when I was 22, two years into my degree.

It was hard... really hard. My then-husband and I were under a lot of stress that we wouldn't have been under had we waited to have kids. I finally finished my degree (took me an extra four years because I wanted to stay home for the first two), my husband and I broke from the financial stress and we divorced.

I love my daughter. She's the love of my life! But it has been so much harder than it had to be because I was impatient to have children.

Just my 2 cents.
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#12 of 17 Old 03-06-2010, 03:49 PM
 
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It's hard to want a baby when you know it's not the right time.

But there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that yeah, we're biological creatures and yeah, we have the desire to reproduce. And it it's hard when everyone around us is happily doing just that. But we're also rational people who know what's best for us and our future kids. You have excellent reasons for waiting. Just hang in there and support each other in the meantime.
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#13 of 17 Old 03-06-2010, 09:52 PM
 
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Just another one who remembers that time...

We were not in the best place financially, I was no where near done with school, but I just wanted a baby so. darn. bad! I finally convinced DH that there would never be a right time and we went ahead and had our DD.

School is HARD as a mama! WAY HARDER THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE! I've managed to keep my grades up at the expense of being a good mama/wife a lot. I'm constantly having to weigh being with my daughter with studying (or housework), and studying often wins. Or I stay up until 1 or 2 am doing my homework after she's gone to bed, which only intesifies the sleep deprivation normal to parenthood.

Being poor is HARD as a mama! It really just downright sucks. Worrying about whether you can go buy groceries to feed your kid is not where you want to be. And not being able to buy the kind of toys you would prefer your kid to play with, or organic cloth diapers and clothes, etc.

So, looking back DH and I wish all the time we'd waited until the timing was "better". We still don't think there's a good time, but there are better times. At the exact same time, I wouldn't trade having my daughter here for anything!!!!!! She is absolutely the best thing in my life ever and I'm so happy she's here; she inspires me to be a better person and brings joy into every moment (even when she's also bringing frustration).

All this to say.... if you're willing to take on the responsibility on top of everything you already have got going... great! Just try and truly understand how much time and energy a child will take. It's way more than whatever you just imagined. It's doable. It's even awesome. But do I think it would be way easier if we'd waited? Absolutely. *Could* I have waited at the time? Nope.

Mama to my Addie Bug wool.gif (10/2008) and angel1.gif (6/2010); nursing student & childbirth educator
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#14 of 17 Old 03-07-2010, 05:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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All of you are so, so wonderful! Thank you so much. Words of experiences and inspiration are so nice, as I feel like we're the only ones in our boat here, all our IRL friends aren't waiting, and all our IRL leaders push babies. Your support and words mean the world to me!

Lol and at 21, I don't feel like a full-blown adult. No worries there .
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#15 of 17 Old 03-07-2010, 10:56 PM
 
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Lol and at 21, I don't feel like a full-blown adult. No worries there .
I'm 30 and sometimes I still feel like a kid pretending to be a grown up.

Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#16 of 17 Old 03-08-2010, 11:01 AM
 
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I'm 30 and sometimes I still feel like a kid pretending to be a grown up.
I'll be 28 this year and I think this as well. I got together with soem friends from high school and saw all of us with several kid and minivans. I thought How is this possible?! I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way!
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#17 of 17 Old 03-08-2010, 07:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm 30 and sometimes I still feel like a kid pretending to be a grown up.
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