You want more - He doesnt!...Support thread/tribe! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 05-14-2010, 02:40 PM - Thread Starter
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I can't be the only one in this boat!

I never wanted children. Then DS surprised us! After he was born - I figured an only would be great for our family but then around the time he turned three months old...I knew he wouldn't be an only! - I just had to have one more child!... DH still didn't want more though....took TWO years for him to come around to the idea of one more.

And here we are again. Will he come around again? Won't he? Where will this go?! - Who knows. I have time. (cause I would go for a similar or larger age gap - its great!)...

So - who else is in the same boat as me?

Lets have this support thread for ...well - Support!
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#2 of 13 Old 05-15-2010, 01:38 AM
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what a great idea for a thread.

I was in the same position as you for about two years after DD was born and then again for two years after DS.

Now we are TTC number three.

I felt so extremely desperate. It was all I could think about and was causing waves in my marriage because I kept my feelings a secret from DH.

I really believed deep in my heart that my DH had found a way to steal and control the birthing goddess being that magesticly lives through me. ( that probably makes no sense- tough to put into words)

What finally worked was a bribe that included more tax refunds each year for eighteen years, a flat screen TV, and six weeks paternity leave.

He finally caved. I think it was mainly the TV that did the trick. Men can be so shallow!

living with alopecia universalis (google it), learning alongside my children DD 2003blahblah.gif DS 2007fencing.gifDD 2011jog.gif

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#3 of 13 Old 05-15-2010, 05:54 AM - Thread Starter
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See...we can even share or success stories!... Wonder if a tele would work on DH - he is pretty shallow....

With trying for a second my argument was that we didn't want DS to be alone and he simply couldn't come up with any other reason NOT to have another.

With a third - I could see him maybe throwing finances out there...but we could afford a third...
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#4 of 13 Old 05-15-2010, 02:13 PM
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This is so us. I honestly want TWO more, but I think I'm going to be lucky to convince dh of a third. Ds was a surprise, and dh was very against having more children when we found out we were pregnant, but he is also opposed to doing anything other that NFP to 'prevent' anything. It's maddening. I feel like if he really doesn't want more, he should take steps (whatever they may be) to ensure that he's not having any more. I can/will happily respect that and feel like I could move past the 'I MUST have more babies' feelings if I know that we are for sure not having more. But he doesn't/won't and that leaves me constantly poking at the issue. Ds has been nursing less and less lately, I'm going on a business trip for 5 days in a couple of weeks and I'm worried he'll wean completely, and feel like if that happens then the Baby-making hormones are going to go berserk! I know I have plenty of time, etc. but I want a new baby NOW

Mama to Ahnna-Bella (Dec 05) dust.gif, Harrison (Oct 08) kid.gif, and Kellan Wilder (Jan '12) baby.gif

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#5 of 13 Old 05-16-2010, 01:58 AM
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This was so me a couple months ago but right now I don't know. If DH did want a 4th then it would be easy, but he doesn't and I *think* I could live with 3. I have spent the last year not pressuring him, but another child isn't something he wants. I am at that place where I need to decide if I truly need another one. I HAD to have my 3 that I have, and I used to think that I had to have a 4th as well. Our kids are not cheap by any means, he is terrified of the expense and time. 2 out of our 3 have had some special needs, what is another one needs daily therapy like DD1 does. And then the time issue, he is gone so much now as it is, another child is just another person that rarely gets to see him. We shall see I guess....

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.
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#6 of 13 Old 05-17-2010, 11:11 AM
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I'm not in this boat any more, but I was recently. We both always said that we'd only have 2, and when we had our 2, my dh was feeling ready to stop. The interesting thing is that when we talked a little about bc after #2, we decided on an IUD because it left the option for a third open. That was kind of my first clue that either of us were even thinking about it.

Over time (my youngest is 5) my feelings of wanting another have increased, and I've kept talking to him about it, without trying to pressure him too much. The thing about dh is that he's a super involved dad, so it does mean almost as much work for him as for me after the baby arrives. I knew i wanted him 100% on board or I wouldn't want to ttc.

I think it was a combination of things, honestly, that changed our minds, but one of the biggest ones was that I felt and I told him that I knew it might mean big life changes, but I would never regret having another child. However if we didn't have one, I might be living with that regret the rest of my life. And in our case, as I'm 37, the time left to make a decision was quite limited.
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#7 of 13 Old 05-18-2010, 05:17 PM
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I am so glad to see this thread!

My husband has 2 girls from a previous marriage. They are 9 and 11 years old. They share time between our house and their mother's, which is literally within shouting distance within the same subdivision.

My husband first NEVER wanted to get married again.
Well, then I came along about a year after his divorce, and that plan went to hell.

Then he said early in our relationship that he really wasn't sure/probably did not want to have children. I sat on the fence for awhile with that one. Told him that it was a dealbreaker for me. He caved to that .

Before we were pregnant with my son, actually the night we got engaged, he made me PROMISE that we would only have one. I was ok with it at the time.

So...then we got married, I got pregnant, ended up having a perfect pregnancy. No morning sickness, felt great, etc., even vain things like no stretchmarks and lost all the weight relatively easy. But OF COURSE the one bad thing was the birth itself. He was persistent posterior, did not want to get out, and after 30+ hours of labor, pushing for 4 hours, with heartrate distress, they did a c-section. And my good dr told me as they were sewing me up that they were doing a great job so that I could have a VBAC (she is very, very pro-med-free childbirth) and that if everything were relatively normal, I would have easily been able to have my son without drugs (went through transition, etc. and had contractions off the charts without much of a whimper). So it's like running 26 miles of a marathon, and passing out before finishing the last 0.2 miles! I want, want, want to try again.

AND, to top it off, my son is such and EASY baby. NO problems breastfeeding. He sleeps fairly well at night. And he is constantly laughing and joyful.

He's almost 1 year, and I have the baby bug BAD!

I am in my mid-30s, hubby is 45. His father passed away at age 51 of a massive heart attack, and I think this is definitely playing on his mind.

So I got an IUD. But it became dislodged! I told my husband that I'm done with BC, that he's in charge now. So now it is pull and pray--but the prayers go in two different directions .

He keeps talking about getting "snipped." But he's been procrastinating since my son was born. He says he doesn't have time. He now says he wants to wait until winter when there's less stuff to do on weekends.

So that's my story. I haven't even brought the subject up to him. I'm wondering how I should/if I should!
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#8 of 13 Old 05-19-2010, 08:05 PM
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Yes this is us. I want another, I have only one. But he has two, and he is done. When I ask, he says, he would love more....but it's not reasonable to take care of three the way he wants too.
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#9 of 13 Old 05-24-2010, 12:01 PM
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Yup, me too. I want one more soooooo bad. My dh feels sompletely done. He wants a vasectomy. But he's only 27, and I'll be 27 in a couple of months. We have 2 daughters, 2yo and just about 4yo (in a few weeks). I think now would a great time to add one more and then be done. That way they're all pretty close in age. But we have no money (things are really freakin bad as far as finances go right now) and I feel like my whole family would greatly look down on me for having another. But all I can think about is holding and nursing a new little baby, and getting to see my younger dd become a big sister. Both of my girls have started asking about a new baby recently and that just about kills me! I feel it would be a true blessing and a gift to them, but Dh strongly diagrees. Oh, well....glad I'm not the only one...

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#10 of 13 Old 05-27-2010, 11:57 PM
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This was us. As the different/conflicting feelings between us grew over time (1.5 years), it became a big, big issue in our marriage. I wanted a fourth (or fifth, if you include our son who passed) and he was happy with three.

This is a VERY common situation in marriages.

What finally helped was going to therapy. Our marriage counselor was able to talk about why were were feeling what we did, how it often plays out with other couples, and all kinds of conversations/thoughts that dh and I wouldn't have been able to access without her viewpoint and expertise.

Shortly after therapy, dh said he wanted to go ahead with it. It hasn't always been easy...sometimes he feels a little like (in tough moments) he's dragging his feet a little, but over time he's more and more enthusiastic. I'm 25 weeks pregnant, and expecting a baby in September.

The rough outline of what our therapist said (if it helps), is that men rarely understand that women feel there is another child out there for them, and that it's very possible--if they don't have that child--they will regret it the rest of their lives. Men don't get that. They just don't.

She also said that, even if a man doesn't want to have a child, he can still want to give his wife something important to her because he loves her. And really, having a child out of love (if not through self-interest) is NOT a bad thing. She said in marriages that are healthy, and that's a big qualification, that having a child that the woman wants and the man "doesn't" often ends up perfectly fine. The man/partner falls in love with the child and later on can't imagine life without them. However, if the marriage is NOT in good shape, this decision and course of action is often a big, big mistake. It makes things worse, not better.

Best of luck to you. I know it's really devastating to feel so differently about something so important. I'd never had that kind of mental and emotional division from my husband before, and it was painful.

ETA: another good thing about therapy was it really helped me understand dh's position on this. He, too, didn't want to go back to the toddler stage. Our kids were 2, almost 4, and almost 8, and he was really loving all the independence he had....time to work out, time to go golfing, time to hang out with his friends... He is a really, really involved dad, and I think the neborn periods are pretty exhausting for him.

Part of moving ahead was talking with him and with the therapist about his feelings, and not dismissing them. Rather, we discussed ways for him to maintain his independence, his "me" time, while parenting another baby. When push comes to shove, he didn't want this baby to mean another two-year backslide in all the things that make him so happy. I get that.

In a way, he was fighting for what makes him happy, and I was fighting for what would make me happy. A therapist helped us see that, if we were careful, loving, and respectful, we could do both.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#11 of 13 Old 06-04-2010, 12:44 PM - Thread Starter
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We almost went to therapy when I wanted a second and he didn't. In the end we didn't. Because my husband realised that, whilst he techinically didn't want another child, he wanted me to be happy because he loves me and there was no logical reason for us to not have another child. At the moment though - he just sort of feels like we have two now, and that is good enough. I don't think I will ever feel 'done' - but do realise at some point I will have to be happy with the lot I have.

I think if I were to have a third - I would probably want a 6+ year age gap. So maybe there is hope yet! lol...time will be on my side right?! lol
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#12 of 13 Old 06-07-2010, 10:14 AM
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Wow RedOak - thanks for that! It really helped seeing the advice that your therapist gave, and I can find a lot of similarities in how I feel.

We have 2 and DH is DONE! He has always said he wanted 2, and I have always said I wanted 3 or 4. I guess I always thought he would change his mind over time when he saw how great having children was. Well...he hasn’t.

I really do feel like someone is missing, and I look at family pictures and can envision our other children. We don’t have a big extended family and I want my children to always have a lot of support and love around them, and to have that big family dynamic. I think it’s a lot for 2 children to have to deal with aging parents, and aunts and uncles and grandparents, and I have seen too many people die alone with no family around (I'm a nurse). I just want something different for my life and my children's lives.

I'm sure you can argue with the way I feel as I'm sure others feel much differently for many reason....but it’s just the way I feel and I don’t think time is going to help it. I imagine time will only make it worse and fill me with regret.

I LOVE DH sooooo much. He is an amazing father and we have a wonderful marriage. This is like THE issue (aside from crazy in-laws). It almost makes me question whether we even should have gotten married, because this is such a big thing and neither of us will give in and it’s not really something you can compromise on.

HOWEVER (this is getting long, sorry) every once in a while we will have sex without a condom and i'm not on any form of birth control. I dont say anything, but he knows I'm not on BC, but i also havent gotten my PP period yet so i have no idea when i get my fertility back. He obviously knows how babies are made, so what gives?!

I almost think that he wouldnt mind if i got pregnant, but he doesnt want to openly commit to having another. His whole family and everyone he talks to is always saying "Perfect family - one boy, one girl." He is one of 2 and everyone on his side of the family only have 2 kids, so he grew up hearing how 2 is enough. He also has a boss who is married with no kids by choice who is always saying how expensive kids are and how someone will never retire if they have more than 2 kids. So there is a lot of outside influence on him.

Anyway, thats our story! =)
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#13 of 13 Old 06-07-2010, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by FeminineFigure View Post
So now it is pull and pray--but the prayers go in two different directions .
OMG! This is SUCH a great expression - I may have to borrow it

Me: T (32), DH: M (33); (Miss you mom! 1/17/00)
Trying to learn/prep as much as I can in hopes of someday becoming a WAHM!
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