The "Whatever" Thread - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 496 Old 06-08-2010, 02:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not sure if we'll get enough interest, but I'm giving it a shot to start a thread for those of us who are not actively TTC, nor actively TTA.

I'm looking for a place where I can find some lovely ladies who can understand what we're all going through, while trying not to make it a more stressful experience than it already is!

I'll start off by introducing myself... I'm 24, 25 this summer, DH and I have been together for 7 years, and married for 2.5. He just finished school and got a part time job in his field and is finally feeling like he's almost ready to TTC. We've been Charting to avoid for our entire marriage, but I've noticed he's definately getting less strict about it, and I can't really consider us fully avoiding anymore. We would both be thrilled beyond belief with a pregnancy right now, but we're trying to avoid actively making it happen, and would prefer it being a natural event, not a planned one. What with how much charting I've been doing and how even my cycles are-- this is going to take work. Instinct kicks in when you see fertile conditions!

Anyways, I'd love to know more about you guys... what stage are you at, what's your story, what are your reasons for not actively TTC, etc. Let's see if we can keep each other sane!


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#2 of 496 Old 06-08-2010, 02:34 PM
 
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Woo!

Okay, my turn.

I am 24, and also turn 25 this summer. DH is 27. We've been married for almost 6 years and we have a 4 year old dd.

We started out our marriage on birth control and it took about 6 months before we realized that it was the birth control making me terribly depressed. We charted for about 6 months before we messed up one cycle and ended up pregnant.. At the time it was very scary, he was just graduating college, I didn't have any full-time employment, etc.. Since that time we used condoms and diaphgram for a few years and only just recently (in fall) started charting again.

We are both "ready" emotionally for a baby (and have been for awhile), we are trying to be responsible and put it off until we are a bit more financially secure. We aren't sure how we would handle two children in daycare and I can't stay at home right now.

This cycle would be our 6th cycle CTA, however we ended up "whatevering" after it took me forever to ovulate and it looks like our timing would be good...

So, if I'm not pregnant this cycle I'm sure that I'll be back to strictly CTA for awhile.

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#3 of 496 Old 06-08-2010, 03:33 PM
 
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jeninejessica and lyterae

I'm here to both see what becomes of my CTA friends' "whatevering" and maybe to become a bit more lax on our journey. After CTA for 7 months DH and I (both 31) decided to ttc but even the "no stress" thread I think I stress and obsess too much

I think you ladies can certainly help be with your "take it as it comes" attitude!

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#4 of 496 Old 06-08-2010, 03:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by echospiritwarrior View Post
jeninejessica and lyterae

I'm here to both see what becomes of my CTA friends' "whatevering" and maybe to become a bit more lax on our journey. After CTA for 7 months DH and I (both 31) decided to ttc but even the "no stress" thread I think I stress and obsess too much

I think you ladies can certainly help be with your "take it as it comes" attitude!
I think the "take it as it comes" is a defense mechanism. I don't feel that calm about it, I'd like to know yesterday

I imagine that once we are actually TTC it will be hard to be stress free about it. For right now I'm trying to maintain my sanity by figuring that next cycle I will still be avoiding.

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#5 of 496 Old 06-08-2010, 03:54 PM
 
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Hey, can I play?

We are more-or-less TTC right now, but I'm really just relying on a fair amount of sex and some attention to my chart to get us there from here. OPKs and making DTD into some big chore are not my bag, but I'm more dedicatedly TTC than just "let's see what happens.

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#6 of 496 Old 06-08-2010, 04:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kcroto42 View Post
Hey, can I play?

We are more-or-less TTC right now, but I'm really just relying on a fair amount of sex and some attention to my chart to get us there from here. OPKs and making DTD into some big chore are not my bag, but I'm more dedicatedly TTC than just "let's see what happens.
Woo, it's a party

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#7 of 496 Old 06-08-2010, 04:25 PM
 
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Yay! a place for me!

DH - 27 and I - 28 - married for 4.5 years. I was on Depo from the beginning until I stopped it about a 1 year into the marriage. We finally conceived 2 years after it "ran out" after TTC that whole time. DS will be 7 months old this month.

originally the plan after baby was to CTA, but with co-sleeping, nursing, and a flexible work schedule, well, I only pay attention to CM, I haven't bothered temping, and our condom use has been rather sporadic. (hasn't helped that my cycle is a bit sproradic post baby. I have had 2 and waiting on AF #3) I would love an oops! baby. not because we aren't ready, but because we are, and because we did TTC for so long - it felt like a long time - to conceive DS, I don't want to actively TTC again. it is too stressfull.

Our main goal is to nurse DS a year - even if my milk dries up 1/2 way through pregnancy (and based on others experiences it may not), if I were to get pregnant right now, I think we would be ok. We would like the close spacing, although that isn't what we originally planned.

so. . . .here's to whatever! I'd be ok not being pregnant for months and I'd be ok getting pregnant like, now. I am very content in this sort of ambivalent place. We want probably 2 more, so I definitely want to be pregnant again, eventually! I am on cd 27 which means nada since I am not sure if I O'd or not yet. last cycle it was between cd 30 and 35.

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#8 of 496 Old 06-08-2010, 04:30 PM
 
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Wahoo! A place where I belong!!

I'm 29 and have a 20 mo DD. I'm here b/c I'm ready for another LO, but Dh is in the "I'm not ready yet" mindset with a little bit of "if it were to happen then that'd be great but I don't want to try," mixed in for good measure.

Right now we are CTA, using protection during fertile times, but we shall see how this month goes. I may be able to use my wiles on him and push boundaries a little more. I would love a spring baby!

I'm nervous though, so I waffle a lot. Some days I'm absolutely crazy and need another baby right now. Some days I think, "Am I NUTS?!?" DD can be a real handful (as most toddlers can be) and I just wonder if I'm going to get in over my head if I jump feet first into having another.

I do tend to obsess so being here will be good for me!

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#9 of 496 Old 06-08-2010, 04:39 PM
 
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I'm ready for another LO, but Dh is in the "I'm not ready yet" mindset with a little bit of "if it were to happen then that'd be great but I don't want to try," mixed in for good measure.

I'm nervous though, so I waffle a lot. Some days I'm absolutely crazy and need another baby right now. Some days I think, "Am I NUTS?!?" DD can be a real handful (as most toddlers can be) and I just wonder if I'm going to get in over my head if I jump feet first into having another.
Yes! I can very much relate to the first paragraph. My DH doesn't want to "try" but if it happens that would be great. It's so puzzling to me because then I think, hey, lets have a baby!

I go back and forth as well, from, "yes I want a baby!" To "oh no, what am I getting myself into?"

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#10 of 496 Old 06-08-2010, 07:54 PM
 
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Hi everyone, I don't quite belong here yet but this is my kind of place.

DD was an oops so we've never actively TTC. We both definitely want at least one more (I'm thinking 2 more but DH isn't on board with that... yet ) and I'm definitely starting to feel broody. I'm thinking it would be good to start TTC this winter sometime, though I get the feeling DH would like to wait a *little* longer. We're on the older side though (I'm 32, he's 37) so sooner is better than later. (If we were younger I'd probably wait until after DD's 2nd birthday to TTC.)

I've never tried to chart and probably wouldn't start unless there was a problem. (Although I did use to designate a 'safe zone' a few days after my cycle when we'd get a little lax about condom use... hence DD. Not so safe lol.)

Right now we are using condoms (every time lol), I am imagining when we are ready to TTC we will just stop using them and see what happens. If nothing happens after a few months I will probably have to figure out the charting thing.

Me, DH, DD1 (5/2009) and DD2 (10/2011).
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#11 of 496 Old 06-09-2010, 12:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Definately hear you ladies on it being more a DH decision than mine. I'm beyond ready to be pregnant, but DH is the same as yours where he's totally ok with an oops now, but hasn't entirely convinced himself we're ready to 'try'. In some ways I wish I hadn't started charting because now I can't turn off that part of my brain that always knows exactly where I am every single day. I don't want it to be so calculated... but on the other hand, when we DO conceive, I think it would be very cool to be able to pinpoint all the exact dates.

I have absolutely no reason to believe so, but part of me worries that we won't be able to get pregnant right away, which is one of the reasons I'm wanting support of others who are trying to be laid back about it. Your mind just kind of goes geeze... i feel like we should have had an accident by now... you know?

Anyways, while I definately would love to get pregnant THIS month, I'm also commited not to make that the focus of DTD and I don't want to start testing until after AF would be due... not 4 or 5 days before. However, I also know that after the first few months I'm probably going to need help reminding myself of that!!

My SIL just announced she won't be having any more babies (health related) and she's ready to get rid of all of her swag, so I'm beyond excited partially because it's more "stuff" (I have way more than I'd care to admit clogging up our spare room in the basement), but also because DH was the one that told her "Sure, give us a call when you start going through it, and we'll figure out what we can make use of". Up until now, he's always groaned when someone gave us more baby stuff, so the fact that he's willingly bringing it into our house is a good thing!!

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#12 of 496 Old 06-09-2010, 10:11 AM
 
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JJ - I said the same thing last month and at around 1 DPO, I ordered 20 IC HPTs and started PIAC at 9 DPO!

I need support to not do that again! Geez! I was just clinging to a very fine thread of hope that *maybe* there were supersperm and that *maybe* we are super fertile people! And I do love testing. It's crazy how excited I get about it.

I worry about secondary infertility. I do. But I'm trying to push those fears out of my mind unless down the road there is a reason to worry. Worrying about problems conceiving isn't going to do anyone any good right now, ykwim?

Yay about the baby stuff! That's a good sign that your DH is open to it now!

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#13 of 496 Old 06-09-2010, 10:14 AM
 
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I have absolutely no reason to believe so, but part of me worries that we won't be able to get pregnant right away, which is one of the reasons I'm wanting support of others who are trying to be laid back about it. Your mind just kind of goes geeze... i feel like we should have had an accident by now... you know?
I worry about this also, I'm trying to remind myself that it takes most woman a few cycles to get pregnant and the odds aren't that great. I know I will be disapointed if it doesn't happen the first month though, especially because Becca was the result of the one time we ignored the rules.

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#14 of 496 Old 06-09-2010, 11:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Eaxctly! It's not rational, but my brain wants to follow the thought pattern that if we've successfully used charting to avoid every single month-- then of *course* we should be able to use it to conceive *every* month. I'm really trying to start reminding myself that there's a very good chance we won't get pregnant the first month.

Anywho- My focus for this month above anything else is getting in shape. It is literally the one thing left that I wanted to do before having a baby that I haven't done yet. I really only need to lose about 5-10lbs and then I will truly be at my ideal body weight, but more importantly, I hate my lack of muscle tone, and wanted to get started on that before I had a growing belly obscuring it.

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#15 of 496 Old 06-09-2010, 12:02 PM
 
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Anywho- My focus for this month above anything else is getting in shape. It is literally the one thing left that I wanted to do before having a baby that I haven't done yet. I really only need to lose about 5-10lbs and then I will truly be at my ideal body weight, but more importantly, I hate my lack of muscle tone, and wanted to get started on that before I had a growing belly obscuring it.
JJ - Where are you at in your cycle right now?

I keep waffling, I"m trying to get at least back down to the low I had hit in past months (I'm about 8 lbs over that right now), which would put me at 10 lbs heavier than I started at last pregnancy. I know that I need to start working out again, I have full plans for a VBAC next time around and I will be doing everything I can to help that.

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#16 of 496 Old 06-09-2010, 12:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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CD 7. Cycles are like clockwork so I should o days 14-15.

Labor/Pushing is one of my big concerns too. I was present at my SIL's last birth, after she had been working out all pregnancy and was *amazed* at how easy it looked (and she said it felt). All because her stomach muscles were so controlled, she was able to isolate and push exactly when and where she needed. Right now, I know my muscles could not do that, to say the least. It's funny because technically, I'm still considered "skinny" but I'm definately not in shape whatsoever.

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#17 of 496 Old 06-09-2010, 01:16 PM
 
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I need to lose weight/get in shape, too.
I really don't want to be fluffy when I get pg. I was in awesome shape when we conceived DD, and I gained 50 lbs (!!) w/her. I won't repeat that, my body was just completely in shock. Right now I'm at a normal weight but on the high end for my height -- I would ideally love to be around 125lbs or 130lbs going into a pg. Right now I'm 134/135.

Labor is one of my worries/concerns too. I had a homebirth last time and I feel like I do want another one next time. But it was hard work. I mean, everything went fine, it was just not what I expected at all -- and I wish I had been in better shape mentally AND physically for it. For me, pushing was easy -- labor was very hard. I was in active labor for 12 hours, but only pushed for 51 min.

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#18 of 496 Old 06-09-2010, 01:38 PM
 
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I am here too. So here is my story. 24 living with my boyfriend. I came off the pill in April and the plan was to use condoms and withdrawal since the pill was making me absolutely crazy. Well the condoms lasted like a week and DB gave up on them. I dont know whether he just ignores the statistics of W/D or doesnt care. Or if he thinks since I haven't started AF since coming off the pill, that it cant happen. Which it so can!!! We both agree we would love to be married before having a child, but we aren't doing much to avoid it. Which is fine with me because I am very ready to be a mom!

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#19 of 496 Old 06-09-2010, 01:54 PM
 
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Weight loss I think was an important factor that allowed me to conceive DS. I am nowhere near my "ideal" weight, however I am about 5 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight, which is a start.

I never even got to push with him, as I didn't fully efface or dilate. so with the next one, planning on a VBAC. and I think my stomach muscles are still not quite all there after the section, but are more "present" than they were. I am working on it!

I know what CD I am on, but it means squat. CD 28 . . . . last cycle lasted 46 days, so who knows? Once I O, if I know that I have, I can tell when to predict AF. I saw her coming for the 1st PP AF, and the next. I am not sure with this one . . . I only use CM, and it has been iffy. so maybe we will be surprised! LOL

I keep thinking how I'd love to be pregnant by DS's 1st b-day . . .and then I think I'm absolutely crazy.

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#20 of 496 Old 06-09-2010, 03:45 PM
 
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I'm really glad I found this thread, I think it will def help relieve my anxiety. Okay, our daughter was a surprise that neither of us had even considered and she's now 13 mths. After having her I had Mirena inserted, then taken out in December (about 6mths later). It totally made my body hate me. Anyway, May 6th I FINALLY got my period back and I started charting. At first we were "actively" trying, but now we're at a point that if it happens, it happens. I'm still going to suggest when I believe I'm fertile, but no more of making sex a chore. It completely ruins the mood. I'm also nursing, on cd 37, and I'm not really sure if I have even o'd yet so it may take awhile. I'm all with you on somedays being completely ready for another, then others not so much lol My daughter is a handful, but it is worth every minute of it. We're also saving for a house, so if it were to happen I'm not really sure how that would be affected. Hubby and I have both agreed to just take things as they come. Anyways, nice to meet all of you! Hope we can keep this going!

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#21 of 496 Old 06-09-2010, 04:57 PM
 
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Hi!

I don't really know if a conflicted, ambivalent, still-officially-CTA woman with a not-sure-what-he-thinks-of-it-all husband fits in here, but I am subbing because if we do stop avoiding, we will be whatevering, not TTC.


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#22 of 496 Old 06-09-2010, 06:36 PM
 
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Hi!

I don't really know if a conflicted, ambivalent, still-officially-CTA woman with a not-sure-what-he-thinks-of-it-all husband fits in here, but I am subbing because if we do stop avoiding, we will be whatevering, not TTC.

I could have written this! This is pretty much how I feel too!

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#23 of 496 Old 06-10-2010, 12:21 AM
 
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OOOoo, a whatever thread! I haven't even gotten my 1st PPAF, and our baby isn't even 8 mos old yet, but we don't use BC, so, whatever.

My milk dries up at the end of the 1st trimester, so I'd actually prefer not to conceive for several months, y'know, assuming AF even shows anytime soon. haha!

I don't know. As soon as I see that 1st PPAF I might freak out & run for my diaphragm. Maybe I'll feel like it's way too soon. Maybe not. Who knows. Whatever.

In the meantime I'll just hang out & watch all you guys get your BFPs. Or not.

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#24 of 496 Old 06-10-2010, 07:15 AM
 
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And last night was a perfect example of why Whatevering is better for us than officially TTC. Things are definitely lining up towards O -- temps stable, watery CF -- but when I got Lucy to bed and went to give DH a kiss, he kissed me, then said "Not tonight, I feel like shit, today was awful." So we cuddled for a bit and then I went to bed and fell asleep. No harm done. We'll get there eventually, ya know?

I figure, I really really really hated being pregnant the first time. It was terrible for me. I vaguely hope that it'll be better the second go around, but I can't PLAN for that, because then if it isn't, I'll hate everyone when it's no-one's fault but mine. So also, if I push and push and push and obsess about getting preggers, and then it's awful again, I don't think I'll handle that well.

So yes. This is much better.

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#25 of 496 Old 06-10-2010, 09:21 AM
 
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And last night was a perfect example of why Whatevering is better for us than officially TTC. Things are definitely lining up towards O -- temps stable, watery CF -- but when I got Lucy to bed and went to give DH a kiss, he kissed me, then said "Not tonight, I feel like shit, today was awful." So we cuddled for a bit and then I went to bed and fell asleep. No harm done. We'll get there eventually, ya know?

I figure, I really really really hated being pregnant the first time. It was terrible for me. I vaguely hope that it'll be better the second go around, but I can't PLAN for that, because then if it isn't, I'll hate everyone when it's no-one's fault but mine. So also, if I push and push and push and obsess about getting preggers, and then it's awful again, I don't think I'll handle that well.

So yes. This is much better.

This was just beautiful to read! Nobody being like "AAHHH I need DHs sperm is he nuts!?"

No but on a more serious note, I disliked being pg the first time, too. I loved it so much in theory, I loved that I was growing a healthy baby, but man. I did not make it look cute. I was a wreck. I totally agree that I hope, hope, hope next time its easier and I'm more prepared, but I can't plan for that. I also can't say for sure I'll be mother of the year when a new baby comes. And I hate for people to say, "I told you so!" So at least if pg just happens, I can be like, "Well, I'm doing my best, I didn't *plan* for this!"

I think it's cool that you're so chill about dtd during fertile times. I need to be like that.

Yesterday I was 100% all in. Today, I'm like, eh, lets see how the rest of the summer goes!

I went to a due date calculator and figured out my fertile times for the next few months and due dates, and that was fun to see. I like to plan. I wanted to really get a feel for when a baby would be coming and it was, all told, a little scary!

(but secretly very exciting!)

Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn (5) and Finnley Dax (2) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!         
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#26 of 496 Old 06-10-2010, 10:33 AM
 
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I like to plan. I wanted to really get a feel for when a baby would be coming and it was, all told, a little scary!

(but secretly very exciting!)


it is so scary! I see hugely pregnant women and I think: I do NOT miss maternity jeans! and

man, I miss feeling him move around inside , the kicks and jabs.

I do NOT miss not being able to have a drink when I want to, although since I am nursing, I get the same looks and questions about what I eat and drink as I did when I was pregnant.

I also do NOT miss not being able to drive (I am short, so after a certain point, I couldn't put the seat any further back and still reach the pedals)

And them I'm like . . . .I must be crazy to even be thinking about 2 under 2 . . .but then, I might just love it! for me, I think I would rather have my kids back to back to get the pregnant and nursing thing over with, then to wean, have some time, and then have to start all over. I think.

I have no clue when or if I have O'd. No clue. so I don't know if I'm waiting to O or waiting for AF . . . I figure if AF hasn't arrived by July, then I might test. Beyond that, I am like, whatever.

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#27 of 496 Old 06-10-2010, 12:49 PM
 
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Subbing. Am I whatevering since my dh isn't home? It's definitely easier that way.

I am whatever charting since it's for my own knowledge rather than to TTC or TTA. Not sure how things will be when my dh comes home. Last time we talked on the phone about having another he said only if we have an oops. Well, we'd been CTA for 7 cycles and had 2 oopses (both ended in m/c (sorry to all of you who have heard that story a gazillion times)) in that time so it's certainly not an impossibility. My dh is not very good at withdrawal so we'll see if he's decided to be more careful now. It's all up to him.

I used to really, really, really want another one. Now I'm on the fence. Part of me still wants one more chance to have a girl after having 3 boys. Part of me thinks there's no way I could handle one more, especially if my dh is going to be away in the future as much as he has been. If I got pg, I'd definitely welcome it (I love being pg even though I feel like crap a lot of the time.). If I don't ever have another baby, I'll probably be a little sad about that but ok.

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#28 of 496 Old 06-10-2010, 01:11 PM
 
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heres my whatever...
going to be TTC in may with my DP. i am 26, he is 26, he works, i am a SAHM.

to ttc:
1. have to quit smoking. everything. most daunting task.
2. lose some weight, like 50 lbs. urgh.
3. hand-fast him. Finally do it right.
4. take out my IUD. Doing it myself. carefully.


fun.

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#29 of 496 Old 06-10-2010, 01:31 PM
 
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The not being concerned about BD in regards to O for "whatevering" I could handle. At least I think so, it might be hard to know I was going to ovulate soon and not be "trying"... I Haven't really experienced it yet, so definite props to you Kristine. Ideally that is how it would be.

However, now that I'm getting near the 10DPO mark and have all sorts of phantom symptoms I'm going to drive myself crazy :P

I've lost the "zen"

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#30 of 496 Old 06-10-2010, 02:33 PM
 
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lyterae - I so hear you. I think the way to look at is if you know you're going to O soon and you DTD unprotected (b/c we don't really BD if we are whatevering, right??) it's not b/c you're trying to make a baby. Whatever happened to just making love to our husbands (or boyfriends or fiances or whoevers)? Plus even with the best timing, isn't there only something like a 25% chance of conceiving?

Maybe it's just rationalizing but I dunno. I like rationalizing.

Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn (5) and Finnley Dax (2) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!         
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