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#1 of 20 Old 06-16-2010, 04:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am sure questions like this have been answered before but any advive is much appreciated.

I have three kids, a daughter 9, son 5 and son 2. I swore I was done after last son. This past couple of months I have been thinking about expanding the family. The thing is that Dh is not on board. I would not get pg unless we both wanted the same thing.

I was wondering if anybody else has gone through this. Have you gone on to have another or did you stay with what you have.

On a side note I do homeschool and already own the mininvan.

Any experiences/advice is much appreciated.
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#2 of 20 Old 06-20-2010, 09:12 PM
 
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We have 3, ages 5.75, 7, and 10, and are TTC #4, since January of this year. I am 39, dh is 41. I actually wanted a fourth, kind of off and on, since my youngest was about 1.5. Sometimes the desire would go away, but then it kept returning. I didn't really talk to dh about it, because I just figured he'd never go for it, so we kept avoiding through NFP/condoms. Then I got pregnant last March. DH was not happy, but was working on adjusting. Then I lost the baby at 8 weeks, and was just devastated. While I was bleeding and cramping, dh said, "We'll try again."

So fast forward to January, after some dental work and taking care of other stuff, and we started trying. He is not what I'd call thrilled, but he is on board and working through his residual reluctance because he sees how much it means to me. I know he'll get excited once we conceive (we actually have, but I've had two chemical pregnancies in the last six cycles, just bad luck, I guess), and he starts to feel the baby move, etc.

I'm not sure what would have happened had we not had the surprise pregnancy last year. I think I'd have talked to dh about my desire for a fourth child at some point, and I think he might have actually come around.

Wishing you all the best, whatever happens!

Heather, Mama to DS(10) DD(7.5),DD(6)
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#3 of 20 Old 06-21-2010, 11:09 PM
 
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I'll keep my eyes peeled on this thread as we're considering adding a fourth.

We curently have an 8 yo, 6yo, and 1.5 y.o.

I'm curious as to what others say...
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#4 of 20 Old 06-21-2010, 11:20 PM
 
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After 3 dh thought he was done and wanted to get a V, but changed his mind. I was bringing up number 4 because I've just had the urge! Ever since dd3 was born I knew I wanted another. Dh was more on board though since he wants a son so bad. I do too! We have 3 girls and really want that boy too. We are trying, and have to concieve this week or it will be 5-7 months before we are together again and able to try. And that's just for 2 weeks.

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#5 of 20 Old 06-22-2010, 12:08 AM
 
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We have two girls and two boys, ages 9,7,2, and 6 months. So glad we went for #4. She is such a joy. DH was happy to go for four but thinks five would be too much. Still hasn't gotten the V yet though

Good luck with your decision! I will say that homeschooling with four is a handful but is possible with patience and planning.

Homeschooling mama of four fantastic kids and wife to one great guy.
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#6 of 20 Old 06-22-2010, 12:27 AM
 
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My 3 are 7, 3, and 1. I go back and forth about a 4th, DH is not interested what so ever about another child. I *could* eventually get him to agree to one but before I start down that path, I want to make sure I 100% want one myself. Some days, yes, others no.


Like you, we have the vehicle that will fit everyone. Bedrooms are an issue, we could make it work with the children we have now but one more would force us to add on to the house. Money is another factor, I own everything baby/child gear related but my children tend to be very expensive health wise. We can handle all the therapies, insurance, hospital visits now but another child with issues would make it really tight.


My biggest fear is that I will decide my 3 are enough, and then a few years down the road really regret not having a 4th. While I could convince Dh about a 4th in the next 1.5 years, there is no way in heck he would agree to one several years down the road. He is really looking forward to having older children, and I have to say that is appealing as well....

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.
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#7 of 20 Old 07-07-2010, 07:24 PM
 
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I have three - 9, 5, & 1. I was convinced throughout my pregnancy that #3 was the last one. While I was in labor, I kept thinking - "I'm so glad this is my last one!" Even staring at my newborn, I knew - this was my last baby.

Until she was about 12 hours old, when suddenly I realized I was so NOT okay with being done.

So... we go back and forth. We're planning to move because the house isn't quite big enough & right for three. We have the minivan. If we do have a fourth, it will be at least two more years before we'd ttc. But I can't stop thinking about it. Darn 19 month old!!

Kash, homeschooling mommy to Gillian (8/5/00) and Jacob (3/23/05)
and Brigid Eleanor (11/20/08)
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#8 of 20 Old 07-07-2010, 08:08 PM
 
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I am the youngest of four. I love love love love love my siblings.

I have to say, we were quite self sufficient, and my older sisters and brother took very good care of me, and were my perfect playmates. Always.

I read the books they read. I played the games they brought home. We still get so loud and silly whenever we get together, my mom has to look around to make sure it doesn't bother people around us. I have something special in common with each one of my siblings, even though one could say we are all very different. We are super supportive of each other.



P.S. my only complaint in this whole thing is that being the youngest, I hate the idea of being the last one "to go". I know, it sounds morbid, but it did cross my mind and I do not like that thought. I don't want to be the last one to die in the family.

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#9 of 20 Old 07-08-2010, 01:14 AM
 
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I love having four (most days ) but they do keep us busy. I kinda thought we were done with #2, then changed my mind. I felt a bit more done after #3 when we were outnumbered and life was a little hectic (they are all 2 years apart), but then decided for sure to go for it around his first birthday. I've never regretted having four, in fact we have been TTC #5 for awhile now. So, I guess that's the thing - I wasn't completely content with 3, or even 4. Who knows how many babies it will take until I truly feel done?

Good luck deciding.

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#10 of 20 Old 07-10-2010, 07:15 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
I am the youngest of four. I love love love love love my siblings.

I have to say, we were quite self sufficient, and my older sisters and brother took very good care of me, and were my perfect playmates. Always.

I read the books they read. I played the games they brought home. We still get so loud and silly whenever we get together, my mom has to look around to make sure it doesn't bother people around us. I have something special in common with each one of my siblings, even though one could say we are all very different. We are super supportive of each other.
I loved reading this! We're planning to shoot for #4 fairly soon, I'm always curious to hear experiences from large families. Your description warmed my heart and gave me a couple goosebumps!

Mama to four ('03, '05, '08 & '11) chicken3.gif
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#11 of 20 Old 07-10-2010, 07:27 PM
 
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I'm pregnant with our 4th. We always knew we wanted at least 4, though!
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#12 of 20 Old 07-12-2010, 11:20 PM
 
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ahhhh, to have a fourth or not....

I have always wanted 4 dh wanted 2 we sort of compromised at 3 before we were even married. After #2 we had a boy and a girl and I spent many a day crying completely unsure of whether or not to have another..I got involved with a couple to be there surrogate but things did not work out shortly there after it struck me I was NOT done and we had #3.

At this point my babes are 6.5, 4 and 13m, I am feeling content. Which is really nice, I am enjoying them, and feeling thankful everyday for them. I see other pregnant mamas and for once do not have that "pang" to be pregnant RIGHT NOW, as I did from before even having my first! BUT I want another, we make good, happy, healthy beautiful children! and I don't feel "done" I also feel like my last is not going to the the youngest, she doesn't feel like the last one? weird I know. I often feel as if I am missing someone? Or rather there are 4 kids but just not here with me in physical form, does that make sense?

For my DH he has waivered, throughout the pregnancy with #3 he was all ready for a "v" We were done in his mind...then Eliza was born and he fell in love all over again and he stopped talking about it...then he started up again...then one last discussion led to a potential TTC date of fall 2011 and since then he has not brought up getting a "V" once. I am completely against him having one at his age (34) I just don't want the permanency of it.

We are also beginning our H'sing journey this fall and i wanted a year under or belt before possibly throwing it off with a pregnancy

As an aside for DH I think his ups and downs to not have any more comes from outside sources giving him grief for having three (mom, friends, boss etc) That makes it hard....money of course plays a roll but I think that is more of an excuse than anything.

Good luck with whatever you decide!
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#13 of 20 Old 07-12-2010, 11:43 PM
 
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My #4 is 18 days old right now and I like to say she made the decision for us. I always wanted a large family. Our first was VERY unplanned. We ttc our 2nd for 2 years. We had our girl and our boy and dh was happy being done. I wasn't. I always felt like our family wasn't complete. I had people asking me from minutes after his birth when we were having the next one. I had a VBAC with him and it was so amazing, I said "as soon as possible!" In reality, we waited a couple years to ttc and then did so for 1.5 years. Dh was, again, done. I had planned in the back of my mind to ttc again for a February 2011 baby. I hadn't discussed it with dh. Then 1 month off bc, in the insanity of an interstate move, our sweet little one decided she wanted to be born now.

My MIL always wanted more than 1 child. They put it off because they didn't have the money, it wasn't the right time, etc. She ended up having a m/c after my dh was born and was never able to conceive another child. She is still hurt that she was never able to have more than 1. She has given me a lot of advice over the years. There will never be a perfect time. You will never have enough money. You may regret *not* having more children, but you will never look at your child and say "I wish I hadn't had them."

Tiffany, loving wife to Matt, Mommy to Samantha (10/99), Tevin (8/04), Cadence (6/08) and babymooning with our sweet little Lauren 6/24/10
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#14 of 20 Old 07-16-2010, 11:44 PM
 
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We have four children and I think that now I'm done with biological children, though with condoms as our only birth control, there's always the possibility that I could have an "oops" baby.

I really didn't feel like our family was complete until after #4 was born. Until we had him, I thought that I wanted lots and lots of children (7, 8, 9...). I would still like to adopt more children, but I'm content with the number of children that I've given birth to.

For us, money wasn't a factor in deciding to have more or not. Until this year, we've never had a great income, but it's always been just enough.

(We also homeschool and have the van too )

Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
13yo ds   10yo dd  8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds  
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#15 of 20 Old 07-16-2010, 11:56 PM
 
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Sheesh, I had no idea I was not alone in my dwellings on having a fourth!

My three are 9, 7 & 5...we've got the van and a dog too!
We've lightly discussed having a 4th for the last year now, we even had a few months where I was sure I was pregnant (damn hormones!)
I have recently enrolled in some classes to begin a journey into becoming an RN....getting pregnant now would seriously set that back. Buuuut, its not enough to make us choose indefinate birth control. Speaking of that, we're not using anything, just the "pull-out" method


Subbing in Mammas

wife & mum to 9yo dd, 7yo ds1 & 5yo ds2 and our rescue dog Roger!
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#16 of 20 Old 07-21-2010, 12:27 PM
 
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Well we have four already and we both felt "done!" after our fourth and he got a V. Then I started having vivid dreams of a baby boy who made it very clear he wants to join our family. This has been going on for years. Only when Dh started dreaming of him did he come around to the idea. Months later, we are now post-v-reversal and open to whoever wants to join our family. Give it time! My Dh was adamant he was done for so long and then something changed his heart or should I say "someone"!

Mother of 4 and open to more
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#17 of 20 Old 07-21-2010, 12:33 PM
 
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I have 4 and am pregnant with my 5th. I desperately knew I wasn't done immediately after my 3rd son was born, told hubby that I wanted at least one more... he wasn't on board at all. My pregnancies aren't overly planned, both of us have taken a if it happens approach to expanding our families. So almost 6 years after my son was born my daughter arrived. She's been such a lovely addition to our family, she's also our first girl... One of the arguments I tried to use on hubby was you never hear older couples say, Oh I wish we would have never had little Johnny. You actually often hear them saying, I really wish we would have had at least one more!

Nic, loving mama to 5 with a SURPRISE 6th on the way.

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#18 of 20 Old 07-21-2010, 02:11 PM
 
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you never hear older couples say, Oh I wish we would have never had little Johnny. You actually often hear them saying, I really wish we would have had at least one more!
This is how I feel! Our #4 (and #3, for that matter ) were surprises but I wouldn't change anything. There's not enough sleep, very little quiet, the bedrooms are crowded, car rides is loud, the budget is stretched really thin, sanity is questionable, life is chaotic but there is definitely enough love.

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sidney J. Harris

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#19 of 20 Old 07-22-2010, 10:11 PM
 
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This is how I feel! Our #4 (and #3, for that matter ) were surprises but I wouldn't change anything. There's not enough sleep, very little quiet, the bedrooms are crowded, car rides is loud, the budget is stretched really thin, sanity is questionable, life is chaotic but there is definitely enough love.

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sidney J. Harris
Thank you for this Sonja. I especially love the quote in your signature as well - made me tear up.

I know I could "negotiate" a 4th with DH but we have to decide soon. I would LOVE a 4th but my biggest concern is, will it take away from what the other 3 have/will have? Will we be able to afford all their extra curricular activities? Will I be able to spend the quality time and give the attention that DS wants without being all sleep deprived and cranky?
I know we have room in house, and our car, and our hearts....

Jenn (36), wife to DH for 13 years, DD1(13) , DD2(10) and DS(4)

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#20 of 20 Old 07-24-2010, 07:16 PM
 
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So glad to read all of your thoughts. I'm there too. My kids are almost 8,6, and 3 (birthdays in Oct). When we got married we agreed to have 2 or 3 kids but I said I would never have more than 3 planned pregnancies (allowing for the 4th surprise baby but avoiding a 5th). When we had 1 we thought for awhile maybe it would be okay to just have 1 - we were so content with him. Then DS2 came along sort of unexpectedly and we loved him and thought we would be okay with just 2 and that 3 would be too much chaos. Still, I was a little sad at the prospect of not having a baby girl. So we said, if we have 3 we have to go for 4 since neither of us wanted to see my sweet DS2 turn into the semi-angry adult that both of our middle brothers are. Then DD came along really unexpectedly.

And now I have my little girl. DS2 seems to be happy and well adjusted, at least for now. Our home is chaotic and always messy and we never have enough money for the extras but we get by and we're happy. I would be okay if I didn't have #4, just like I would have been okay without 2 or 3 but life is *so much* better with them! I really have no real good reason for wanting a 4th other than what Oriole said - I keep having dreams about a little boy who wants to join our family. And I want that large family that the other PP talked about.

But there is this other issue.... DD can never have biological children of her own due to her genetic condition. And there are a lot of challenges ahead for her. A part of me feels that bringing another girl in to our family would be disloyal to her. Like forcing her to watch her sister grow up without those issues and get married and go on to have her own biological children would be cruel. And wanting to be a mother to a girl who didn't have to struggle with some of the same things is disloyal.

I have a strong sense that our family is missing another boy. We have the car, the stuff, the room... But what if I'm wrong and baby #4 is a girl? I'm sure I would love her and things would work out, but it makes me sad to think about. Plus, DH right now at least is pretty set against #4. So we'll see what transpires.

Laurie Busy mama to Boo (10/02) DeeDa (10/04) and Belly (10/07) TS 45X
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