How do you cope with wanting another - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 06-21-2010, 12:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This is mainly a vent but I hope someone can take the time to read it and understand where Im coming from. Ive never had baby fever as bad as I do right now and this situation just made it so much worse

My close friend & Dh's close friend[they are married] just found out yesterday that they are pg again. Baby #3 for them. They were not trying. They were using pull n pray. She always told me they werent having anymore kids after their son was born. He will be 3 in October. Her DH was planning a vasectomy after their 2nd was born. they kept putting it off cause they didnt have the money..I guess it was gonna be like $600. She said she was sure she couldnt handle another one and her DH definately didnt, and they had agreed to only 2 children prior to marriage. to say I have a hole in my heart is an understatement. I so want to be happy for them but its so hard. We have known them for over 12 years and live a mile down the road from them. When I got pg with my son [he was not planned] she was about 4 months pg with her son [baby #2 for her] so now our boys are 4 months apart and its so neat. She watched my son for me when I went back to work from when he was 6 months old until a few months ago. so, we are very close with them. i trust her with my son and his life. she is a great mother. She doesnt work now, hasnt worked since her daughther was like 6 months old and her DD is now 5. She started back to school last fall and planned to finish up her education degree to be a teacher[which she started before she got pg with her first] . They are in major debt and her parents just moved back in her with them for the 2nd time just so they wont lose their house. Plus, they have no medical insurance either. She gets WIC and gov. assistance.

I dont want to be jealous cause I know that is not the way to be in life. But, as everyone here knows, how badly we all want either our 1st baby, 2nd or more, thats how I feel right now. Especially when they are using the SAME method of birth control as we are. I just dont understand how it works for some couples for so long but not for others? we have sex on my most fertile days with tons of EWCM....more now I have then when I got pg with DS..I didnt even have EWCM like I have now when I got pg with him. The most fertile I got was "watery". it was never stretchy and never like hung out of me in the toliet like it does now. but still, we have sex on those most fertile days using pull out and i dont get pg. AND, we have sex more often then they do. I mean, I dont know for sure but I know my DH will always joke about how her hubby never gets any and she always tells me she doesnt really like it that much. Where as I LOVE to have sex and my hubby does too.

Im sorry if this is a little graphic for some, but im at a loss for words. I just wish I was one of those people who W/D failed for. I dont think I ever will be that lucky It is so hard to have to associate with people all the time who are having yet another baby. In addition, all the girls I work with are either already trying for their 2nd baby or plan to start trying in the next few months. And yet I cant even get my DH to say we can start trying when DS is 3 which is still almost 9 months away

it just hurts sooo bad. I want to cry. Its like I have a knot in my stomach. Literally! The only thing my DH said to their news was..."if we ever have another baby, either your getting your tubes tied or im getting a Vasectomy". hes like "I dont want anymore than 2 kids". Im like well im not getting fixed so I guess you will then. I dont even care about that at this moment. but just that I want to shed a tear right now. When she told us she was pg with her 2nd baby, we were happy for them. they wanted another one and we werent even married yet. We wanted to fix our house up, travel, etc. Then we got hit with the bombshell 4 months later that I was pg. So, it was a totally different situation than now. I didnt want to have a baby then, I didnt care who was pregnant then. I didnt want to be..lol. But NOW, I DO and it hurts so bad.

In addition, if one more person steals the names that I like Im gonna lose it. My SIL is about to have baby #5 in 8 days and she is naming her son Logan. Thats a boy name I really loved but she always beats me to it. Now I know why people ask what names you like, etc. Its like they want "ideas" or something. My two fav. boy names right now are Kellan & ******* and if my friend takes either of those names if she has a boy I will be so heartbroken. I know it sounds ridicolous but really. I just pray she has a girl cause I have no girl names that I LOVE that much that I would care if she used..lol.

Anyways ladies, thank you so much for lettting me vent. you have no idea how much it helps and how much I hurt right now. I dont know what else to say. I just wish my husband would come around. I would love to get pg this fall and be due next summer. But, I know thats like wishing to win the lottery with my DH..

Anyone that can offer moral support, I really need it.
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#2 of 11 Old 06-21-2010, 01:46 PM
 
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I couldn't read and not reply.

It is so hard to want something so badly and not be able to get it. I don't have much advice for you, but I think you really just wanted to get that all out. That is such a good idea. Vent it out to us.

Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn (5) and Finnley Dax (2) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!         
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#3 of 11 Old 06-21-2010, 02:54 PM
 
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I don't know that I really deal with it very well. I have an IUD and I still watch "I didn't know I was pregnant" almost obsessively and hope that that will be me one day. lol I hope your hubby comes around soon!
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#4 of 11 Old 06-22-2010, 10:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for replying. I appreciate the sincerity.
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#5 of 11 Old 06-23-2010, 10:02 PM
 
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I feel the same way. I am in almost the same situation as you, but it is my best friend that is pregnant. She even got pregnant accidentally on birth control. I'm not even using any birth control. While I am happy for her, secretly inside I wish I was pregnant with her. I don't wish her to not be pregnant, but I do wish that I could go through everything with her as her best friend. My DP and I are just not in a very good place to have a baby right now. We don't live together because of court ordered papers I have from my ex, but I am struggling to get divorced after 2 years so that I can get remarried and live with him. We also have some debt we need to pay down, too. So, the odds are against us, even with an oops. I haven't been on birth control in a while, we mess up and make mistakes all the time, but nothing ever comes of it.

So, I totally feel what you are going through. It is hard. I really hope your hubby changes his mind soon.

Christie, DP to Kevin, mama to DD Morgen (12/07) & DSS Matthew (7/03)
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#6 of 11 Old 06-24-2010, 11:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilcrunchymama View Post
I feel the same way. I am in almost the same situation as you, but it is my best friend that is pregnant. She even got pregnant accidentally on birth control. I'm not even using any birth control. While I am happy for her, secretly inside I wish I was pregnant with her. I don't wish her to not be pregnant, but I do wish that I could go through everything with her as her best friend. My DP and I are just not in a very good place to have a baby right now. We don't live together because of court ordered papers I have from my ex, but I am struggling to get divorced after 2 years so that I can get remarried and live with him. We also have some debt we need to pay down, too. So, the odds are against us, even with an oops. I haven't been on birth control in a while, we mess up and make mistakes all the time, but nothing ever comes of it.

So, I totally feel what you are going through. It is hard. I really hope your hubby changes his mind soon.
Thank you so much. It is so hard. Like you said your friend got pg on accident as did mine as well...my friend was using the same method...pull out as us and yet she get pg and not me. I wish it were me. I just dont get it. I guess my husband is just too good at pulling out
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#7 of 11 Old 06-25-2010, 03:03 PM
 
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sorry mama. I know what baby fever feels like and I also know how it feels to be in a totally different place than your dh. We have been like that too. I hope it all works out for both of you and you can come to a decision together. Have you talked with your dh about wanting another child?

Steph, wife to C, mama to O :, E , and I :.
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#8 of 11 Old 06-25-2010, 04:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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[QUOTE=peilover010202;15558125]sorry mama. I know what baby fever feels like and I also know how it feels to be in a totally different place than your dh. We have been like that too. I hope it all works out for both of you and you can come to a decision together. Have you talked with your dh about wanting another child?[/QUOTE]

Yes I have. He knows how I feel. He knows I would be thrilled to get pg on accident. I even said right in front of him "why can't i get that lucky"...when we found out are friends are pg with a w/d oops. [since that is what we use as well]. The very earliest right now that he says we can maybe try for another one is when our DS is around 4 years old. I want him to be more like 3 years old...but he cant compromise for a year I guess. I guess I have to wait and see how he feels once DS nears 3 years of age. He will probably have matured so much more by then, that im hoping just maybe he will give in to Trying sooner.
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#9 of 11 Old 06-28-2010, 04:27 AM
 
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Mama, I could have written your post (with slightly different details) a few months ago.

I'll tell ya, I started feeling waaaaay better when I stopped comparing my life and luck to the lives of others. I found peace in knowing that I am making the very best choices for MY family and I shouldn't judge myself based on the choices that other people are making.

You said that this person is on WIC, government assistance, and that their debt is so bad that their family moved in with them so they wouldn't lose their house. In all honesty, would you trade what you have to be pregnant and in a situation like that? I wouldn't, and I remind myself of that frequently. I'd rather have the life that I have now, rather than getting pregnant just becuase I CAN, and have to worry about having a baby when the timing really isn't right.

To me, stability is paramount when it comes to family planning and it sounds like your friend lacks that in a big way. Take a moment to tell yourself that you are doing what is best for your family, and you will be the better for it in the long run.

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer"
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#10 of 11 Old 08-08-2010, 08:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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UPDATE 8/8:

So, heres a small update on me:

I still dont have a prospect "date" in mind, but I did have a small talk about it the other day with DH. It hit so close to my heart, that I started to cry . At first he explained that he really wasnt sure he wanted another baby, and especially not right now. Didnt know if he can handle another one, etc. I told him I wanted him to be honest with me about it, and tell me exactly how he feels. I told him that I needed to know either way. When he told me he didnt know if he wanted another baby, I told him that I was glad he told me that. However, I also told him that I dont know if I can live with myself if I dont ever have anymore children. I told him that even though I knew all of this when we were married, that I really didnt think that hard and long about it at the time, and just figured the down the road things would just work out. We talked alot about finances, goals, plans to pay off debt, to open a retirement account for him, etc. We talked about his race car and how I want to be supportive, and a part of it, etc. The reason we got on the baby subject again is because I asked him when he says "maybe in a year". what specially that means?? I told him I didnt want a year to come and go and him say "oh well maybe next year". So, thats kinda how it started, while on the phone with him when he was driving home from work, and then we finished it up as he walked in the door. I told him that was fine if he truly didnt want anymore kids but that I needed to know the truth. He basically, said "if I could KNOW I would have another boy, i'd have another one". and...."if we have another one, it would be because its what you really want". I told him well thats not right, that I want him to want it too, or I dont want to have another one. In the end [cause I had to go to work]. He had said hes been thinking alot more about it lately. And, I asked him if we could compromise and start TTW when DS turns 3, which is about 6 months away...vs a year, which is what he said originally. He asked me how far apart the neighbors kids were [we are pretty close with their family] and I told him that the older son was 3 mos. shy of 4 years old when the younger one was born. And, then I flat out said, that would mean we would need to get pregnant around the time DS turns 3 years old. He really didnt say anything about it. So, we left it at that. I totally know how he feels now. He totally knows how I feel. I guess now Im just going to let it go for a while. However, he did say to our son yesterday something like "mommy & I were going to go in the room and try and make another one of you". However, when it came time to DTD, and we were in the middle of it, I joked with him and said "I thought you told DS we were gonna make another one of him....lol"..and he's like "yeah, but not this time" or "not tonight"..or something along those lines. I thought that was kinda funny. So, we'll see if he starts to loosen up a bit about pulling out or not. I even told him last night that we couldnt "make another one of him if we wanted to last night cause I wasnt fertile yet"....lol.

So, still not time frame and no idea if or when we will ever have another baby. with that,I don't think I should bring it up again for 6 months. I mean, what else can I do, really. I dont have any other options. If things havent changed by then [meaning if he is still pulling out all the time by then, and/or not brining it up and/or not talking about it at all] I think 6 months is a lot of time. For both him to think about it, and to see how much DS will have grown up by then. Hopefully he will be just about completely potty trained by then. And, then if by the time DS is 3 years old, he STILL hasnt budged a bit with "when" he'll be ready or what not, then I dont know. Then, he either has to tell me he definately doesnt want anymore kids, or I just have to be happy and content with the one I have and hope that maybe one day he'll decide otherwise. OR, decide that I want another baby more than my marriage, which im totally not sure of at this moment. So, right now Im just going to enjoy our son, keep working out, work extra to try and save any amount of money that I can. Take up reading and specially books about marraige and how to improve things in general. And, try to have more date nights and quality time with my husband.

So, that is where we stand. What does everyone else think about this? Any suggestions, advice? Am I doing the right thing? anything I can do different? Please, suggestions, advice, opinions are always welcomed!!!

Thanks for listening!!!
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#11 of 11 Old 08-09-2010, 11:07 AM
 
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I am in the same quandry. I am charting to avoid and we use withdrawal, but I secretly hoped for an oops.
First I should say, i negotiated our 3rd child.
When I truly thought about wanting a 3rd and made sure it was a child I wanted and not just a "new puppy" kinda phase, I presented DH with basically a business plan.
For most men, another baby is loved, but initially it is another financial burden to consider and another space in the house and another person competing for your attention. So reassuring DH in how all of these other aspects would be handled with another child can make it easier for them to agree.
So now DS is 2 and of course I am yearning for another.....but does one ever feel done having children? DH kinda throws comments out about giving our DS a sibling close to his age so I think i could "negotiate' another, but I have to examine whether i will ever be satisfied and how another would also impact the way my other children are treated - less money for extra curricular activities, more difficult to travel and go out etc....I said if i won a million dollars I wouldn't buy anything fancy - I would have more children! but it isn't just a money thing. So while I think I could negotiate another, for me, logically, another doesn't fit into our family right now.
So i think you need to examine all aspects of another one and if you truly feel that void and incomplete, you need to reassure DH and validate his concerns and hopefully make it happen!
Good luck!

Jenn (36), wife to DH for 13 years, DD1(13) , DD2(10) and DS(4)

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