Do you think you might want only one? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 08-13-2010, 12:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I know it might put me in the minority on MDC. But I'm really happy with one child, and the older he gets, the happier I am.
DS and I have a good thing going. I'm a single mom (currently no help from my ex, long story). I do have a great support network of friends and family.
Part of it is financial, part of it is time and energy. I feel like I can be a really great mom to one kid. I can afford one kind. I enjoy one kid.
I'm currently dropping down on work to go to grad school, and the budget won't have a lot of fluff room for the next couple years. But I can give us a nice lifestyle. I can afford a really cute, safe, central two-bedroom apartment for us. I can afford his reasonably priced but super awesome and crunchy daycare. He's happy there and I feel great about it. Just adding one more daycare bill would break my current budget, and the new one wouldn't be pretty. And I can pay the bills every month without freaking out that there won't be enough to go around, and I can afford a few little extras, I can pick up a cute shirt for myself every now and then, I can go out for a drink with friends if I want to without stressing over the $3.50, I can buy him that toy I know he'd love.I'm not materialistic and I've never needed to be rich, but I've had a few brushes with being really poor, and I really don't like it.
And more than that, I don't feel crazy stressed right now. I think if I added another baby to the mix, it would make it really difficult to work and go to grad school. The day is full enough as it is -- if I split my mental energy and basic hours with another kid, I dunno, I don't know that there would be enough of me to go around.
I also really love that as DS approaches three years old, I'm enjoying his company so much. We can have fun conversations, we can do cool stuff together, he understands and follows rules, and he's just really pleasant to be around. One of my friends has the sweetest, most inquisitive, and well behaved 18 month old you'll ever meet -- but when I see them interacting, I'm so glad that my son is past the early toddler stage. It was so exhausting.
Obviously I might rethink this if I found a really great guy who was a true partner to me and could pull his weight financially and with the baby. And I do like the idea of giving DS a sibling (maybe a little girl named Lydia?).
But more and more, the idea of being a mom to an only child is appealing to me.
Of course, when people ask me if I want another and I say I'm not sure, they always assume that my biological clock will kick in and I'll have crazy baby fever and need to have another. But honestly, I never had baby fever in the first place. I was never one of those girls who dreamed of being a mother, or crooned over baby booties. I wanted to backpack across the world and be a journalist -- I did both those things.
When I accidentally got pregnant with DS, I weighed my options and made a very deliberate decision to go on with the pregnancy. And it's been great. He's the best little kid ever and I can honestly say I'm a really good mom to him, and it's easy for me to put his needs ahead of mine.
But if I have any inherent need to be a mother, I feel like DS fulfills that for me. And I like the way our life is now, without adding another baby to the mix.
Anyone else feel that way?

Jen, journalist, policy wonk, and formerly a proud single mama to my sweet little man Cyrus, born at home Dec. 2007 . Now married to my Incredibly Nice Guy and new mama to baby Arthur.
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#2 of 11 Old 08-13-2010, 09:04 AM
 
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When ds was 2 I felt very much the same way. I was a single mom not getting much help from his bio-dad. I was barely making ends meet. DS has autism so I was not in a good place, he had a lot of needs that took up every spare minute I had. He was in therapy constantly and I was working with him at home all the time. I had zero desire to ever even consider having another baby.

Now, fast-forward a few years..... I met a wonderful man who I will marry on January 1st We have a great relationship and he loves ds to pieces. DS is doing much better (requires just a little therapy outside of the school). DS is older and in school full time (he started first grade this week ). We are in a much better financial place where I don't have to worry about money at all. I will have my associates degree in the spring (then plan to transfer to another school to get my bachelors). I'm kinda a SAHM/student/kinda working (I am in school FT but during the summer I stayed at home with ds while doing my school online). I also have a job as a substitute para for the school district but I don't know how many hours I'll work at that. I love this flexibility!

And out of nowhere, the baby bug has hit. It totally blindsided me and now consumes me. When I go to the store to pick up something I suddenly find myself in the middle of the baby aisles. I actually have a tote full of baby things in a closet right now because they were so freaking adorable and my mom wanted to give them to me 4 years ago I never would have thought this would happen. I was fine having 1 kid! Not now though.... now I want another, like, yesterday

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#3 of 11 Old 08-13-2010, 11:37 AM
 
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I was an only child and am now expecting my 6th baby, so make of me what you will.

In your circumstances I can easily understand why you feel that one child is enough. You've got a lot on your plate and your dear son is still quite young. That's awesome that you've got a great thing going.

The only thing that I would gently mention is that you might want to expand your views beyond what feels best for you... although that is an enormously valid consideration, of course.

I've always wished that my parents had made their lives a little more difficult for a few years in order to give me the blessing of a sibling. To me, family is everything and I'd love to have a brother or sister. It makes me sad that my children have no aunts or uncles or cousins.

My parents gave some thought as to how having another child would impact them temporarily. I don't know if they gave much thought to how not having a sibling would impact me forever.

But again... I know that families come in all sizes for all varieties of reasons. I wish you all the best with yours.

Catholic homeschooling mom of two daughters and four sons... baby Mark born on 8/27/10. Kidney Disease Awareness
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#4 of 11 Old 08-13-2010, 03:25 PM
 
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I only want one! My husband and I decided when I was pregnant that we only wanted 1 child. Even though our son is only 10 months I don't think that we will change our minds. For every minute that i find myself thinking about the joys of another baby there is an hour that i am excited and planning our future with one child. This future involves being able to afford to send T to a montessori school, being able to travel(and have him bring along a friend as he gets older) and to put time into my job which I love. We tend to have the house that everyone ends up congregating in and i do not see that changing as our son gets older. His friends will always know they are welcome and we will try very hard to make sure he is not lonely. I understand that there will be times when he might want a sibling but i don't feel like i should bring another child into this world if my main reason would be for a playmate for my son. If in the future we wholeheartedly change our minds...then we will have another baby. I work(not currently but will start again when T starts pre-school) as a postpartum doula and am currenty studying to be an IBCLC so i get my baby fix often

I say enjoy your child now and if the time comes in the future where you are at a place to fully want another child...then by all means change your mind

Postpartum Doula mama to Tristan born 10/09
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#5 of 11 Old 08-14-2010, 05:36 PM
 
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I was raised as an only. I am not sure we are done, but we've talked about just having one and it feels right. I'm content with ds - he keeps me busy. I'm not sure how well I would cope with two
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#6 of 11 Old 08-14-2010, 05:40 PM
 
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I love love love having an only and we are very satisfied with our choice. The same way that Moms of Many have to deal with frustrating comments about having many, we get to deal with the same about having one but I just keep remembering that each family is the right size for those in it and each family's choices are really only their own.

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#7 of 11 Old 08-15-2010, 03:19 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VillageMom6 View Post
The only thing that I would gently mention is that you might want to expand your views beyond what feels best for you... although that is an enormously valid consideration, of course.

I've always wished that my parents had made their lives a little more difficult for a few years in order to give me the blessing of a sibling. To me, family is everything and I'd love to have a brother or sister. It makes me sad that my children have no aunts or uncles or cousins.

My parents gave some thought as to how having another child would impact them temporarily. I don't know if they gave much thought to how not having a sibling would impact me forever.
Totally worth repeating! Another consideration that weighed heavily on me was, what if something happened to DH and I. If DS lost us both together, at least he would have someone close, to pick up and go on with, whether he was 5 years old, 15 or 50. I still have both of my parents, but when the time comes that I lose one, I know I will lean on my brothers and sisters. Doing it on my own would make a difficult time that much harder.

Mama of 2 sweet boys, Miles (Jan 3/07) and Avery (Nov 28/09) My fast and furious HBAC
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#8 of 11 Old 08-17-2010, 12:47 AM
 
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Originally Posted by jess152 View Post
Totally worth repeating! Another consideration that weighed heavily on me was, what if something happened to DH and I. If DS lost us both together, at least he would have someone close, to pick up and go on with, whether he was 5 years old, 15 or 50. I still have both of my parents, but when the time comes that I lose one, I know I will lean on my brothers and sisters. Doing it on my own would make a difficult time that much harder.
you can't count on siblings getting along. my half brothers are very close together in age and hate each other. I don't plan my life around what ifs, I plan my life around what is.
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#9 of 11 Old 08-17-2010, 12:52 AM
 
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Originally Posted by *MamaJen* View Post
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I know it might put me in the minority on MDC. But I'm really happy with one child, and the older he gets, the happier I am.
...
Anyone else feel that way?
There are other MDC mamas who only have/want one child. Here's a link to the Moms of an Only Child tribe:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=652903
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#10 of 11 Old 08-17-2010, 12:56 AM
 
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Originally Posted by VillageMom6 View Post
I've always wished that my parents had made their lives a little more difficult for a few years in order to give me the blessing of a sibling. To me, family is everything and I'd love to have a brother or sister.
I'm the oldest of 4 and I would have preferred to be an only child. I don't have a close relationship with any of my sibliings. I guess the grass is always greener.
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#11 of 11 Old 08-17-2010, 01:06 AM
 
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i don't want only one child and I'm not an only child but I think it is perfectly acceptable to want only one child.

You understand your life set up and your needs. You understand your kid and yourself. If having only one is what works best with all of that, then clearly you've come to an intelligent decision

besides, you really CAN always change your mind. You certainly don't have to but its much MUCH easier to add a child than to take one away. Go happily through life with your one child decision.
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