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#181 of 505 Old 03-22-2011, 01:55 PM
 
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And to be fair, it's not really uncommon to be in that 6%.  That's more than 1 in 20 women, enough that most of us who hang out in breastfeeding circles know somebody who it happened to.  Interestingly, the one woman I know IRL who got pregnant before her first period was on the minipill.



 

that happened to me. i, however, had a day of breakthrough bleeding before getting preg a week later.


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#182 of 505 Old 03-22-2011, 02:10 PM
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that happened to me. i, however, had a day of breakthrough bleeding before getting preg a week later.



So technically, you were in the 94% that didn't get pregnant before your first postpartum bleeding.  Some people make it into this 94% with only a bit of breakthrough spotting, and some people with no spotting and only an inadequate luteal phase.  Others just don't time sex at the right time.  Only about 25% of women not trying to prevent pregnancy (and not using fertility awareness to attempt to achieve pregnancy) will end up pregnant within a cycle, so the mechanisms operating at the return of a woman's fertility after childbirth are really only cutting that probability in about 4.

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#183 of 505 Old 03-23-2011, 10:09 AM
 
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I don't take the pill, but I chart.  I charted for almost a year prior to getting pregnant the first time (FAM/Fertility Awareness Method worked for us!) and I'm charting again. 

 

 

 

How quickly did you conceive your first child using FAM once you started trying?  When I tell people I'm planning on getting pregnant in August/September they inevitably tell me that I can't possibly plan such a thing/it usually takes longer than that, and treat me like I'm silly and naive for even thinking such a thing.  But, if I know when I'm approaching ovulation and time sex accordingly, it seems like I kinda can plan it.  Did you have that experience?

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#184 of 505 Old 03-23-2011, 10:46 AM
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I did get pregnant the first month we tried, but I was in my early 20's, and we were very familiar with charting.  I still wouldn't count on it, but you can sure try!

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#185 of 505 Old 03-23-2011, 01:44 PM
 
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How quickly did you conceive your first child using FAM once you started trying?  When I tell people I'm planning on getting pregnant in August/September they inevitably tell me that I can't possibly plan such a thing/it usually takes longer than that, and treat me like I'm silly and naive for even thinking such a thing.  But, if I know when I'm approaching ovulation and time sex accordingly, it seems like I kinda can plan it.  Did you have that experience?


I'm in a similar situation to you. We're trying to get pregnant within a window of time, but I realize it doesn't always work perfectly and have planned for that. I would suggest you just tell people you're trying to get pregnant around that time. Or, what I do is not tell them a specific time at all, just that we're gearing up to try. 

 


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#186 of 505 Old 03-24-2011, 05:18 AM
 
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That's wht I am always trying ot figure out. I want to get pregnant in the fall, but IDK  when to start TTC. I am only 23, so IDK if my chances are better, but I also BFing 7-10x a day and yes at night. My AF was instant though. I never missed a period after I had DD.

 

IDK anything about testing for being fertile or charting or anything! Any good info for me?

 

Want to add I am on a super healthy diet now and incorporated more raw foods and already lost 7lbs this week! I am hoping to be where I want to be before we get pregnant.

 

I know DD will be 2 y/o when we get pregnant but I still can't help but feel guilty that if her milk goes away I am scarring her for life! How do you deal with that? I have a feeling she will go back to it and want to tandem either way. I know when AF comes around I dip so I am thinking with pregnancy I will too. If I can maintain even some milk it will help. She is so spirited and I know she will absolutely loose it when it does dwindle...


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#187 of 505 Old 03-24-2011, 07:19 AM
 
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That's wht I am always trying ot figure out. I want to get pregnant in the fall, but IDK  when to start TTC. I am only 23, so IDK if my chances are better, but I also BFing 7-10x a day and yes at night. My AF was instant though. I never missed a period after I had DD.

 

IDK anything about testing for being fertile or charting or anything! Any good info for me?

 

Want to add I am on a super healthy diet now and incorporated more raw foods and already lost 7lbs this week! I am hoping to be where I want to be before we get pregnant.

 

I know DD will be 2 y/o when we get pregnant but I still can't help but feel guilty that if her milk goes away I am scarring her for life! How do you deal with that? I have a feeling she will go back to it and want to tandem either way. I know when AF comes around I dip so I am thinking with pregnancy I will too. If I can maintain even some milk it will help. She is so spirited and I know she will absolutely loose it when it does dwindle...


If I were you, I'd start charting. It's nice to see that you are indeed ovulating and when so you can time things right. I'm also planning on getting pregnant in the fall (and I'm also 23! :-P).

 

As for 2 y/o nursing, I'm in a similar situation there too. DD is now 2 (as of last Sunday! Wow!) and she still nurses. It's not super often, but when she wants it she WANTS IT. YKWIM? Anyway, I think that even if my milk does dry up (which doesn't happen with all pregnant moms, mind you) that she'll keep nursing. My only thing I'm worried about is getting her to sleep without it because she needs a big letdown to drift off, but we're slowly working on that too. Since we know that we want to get pregnant relatively soon, we're able to work on things gradually before we even have to worry about it. She's pretty set for going to sleep at night with just reading, but nap times are still nurse or drive. I plan on reading a book called Adventures in Tandem Nursing when I can get ahold of a copy. 

 


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#188 of 505 Old 03-24-2011, 08:38 AM
 
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Check out the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility for info on fertility and charting.  It's an engaging book with lots of great information.  Most of which they never tell you in health class or anything.  I got it through a library in my local library consortium (though I'd like to get my own copy for referencing later if I want).  There's also a website for the book with their own forums if you want to find out more: www.tcoyf.com.  To keep track of my chart I use the FemCal app on my iPhone.  I used the free version (FemCalLite) for a while, but it only shows your information for a few months.  I purchased the paid version and imported all of my remaining info from the free app, thinking that the first charts were gone forever, but it transfered the first charts as well.  
 

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That's wht I am always trying ot figure out. I want to get pregnant in the fall, but IDK  when to start TTC. I am only 23, so IDK if my chances are better, but I also BFing 7-10x a day and yes at night. My AF was instant though. I never missed a period after I had DD.

 

IDK anything about testing for being fertile or charting or anything! Any good info for me?

 

Want to add I am on a super healthy diet now and incorporated more raw foods and already lost 7lbs this week! I am hoping to be where I want to be before we get pregnant.

 

I know DD will be 2 y/o when we get pregnant but I still can't help but feel guilty that if her milk goes away I am scarring her for life! How do you deal with that? I have a feeling she will go back to it and want to tandem either way. I know when AF comes around I dip so I am thinking with pregnancy I will too. If I can maintain even some milk it will help. She is so spirited and I know she will absolutely loose it when it does dwindle...



 

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#189 of 505 Old 03-24-2011, 10:47 AM
 
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Thanks for the link. We are a cell-phone free family so no apps for me :(


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#190 of 505 Old 03-24-2011, 11:34 AM
 
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There are loads of ways to chart. There are sample charts and templates you can download and fill out, or there's free software to download and track on you computer, or you can track online all on that website. It's whatever you find most convenient.
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#191 of 505 Old 03-24-2011, 02:35 PM
 
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So fellow waiters, I feel like my husband will never actually be ready. I'm not over-exaggerating. I think he'll give the go ahead and I know he wants more children, but I don't think he'll ever be excited about it. Actually, I kind of feel like he'll be sad rather than happy when we do conceive, even if we're trying. 

 

With DD, we weren't trying. He was actually super paranoid about me getting pregnant at times, but it happened anyway. He went through a little bout of sadness when he found out I was pregnant (read the whole Harry Potter series in about 2 weeks), but after that he was fine. He did the Bradley Method with me, actually caught DD, and is a wonderful father. He for sure wants another one and I'm so excited to actually plan it this time around, but I don't think he'll be excited. A friend of mine said that when she told her husband, he was jumping up and down and hugging her belly. I don't think I'll ever have that. Really though, my husband is very reserved and not a very emotional person so I'm not super surprised about this fact. 

 

I guess I just want to be told that I'm not the only one. I want to be told that some of your husbands don't get super excited at the thought of expanding their family. He keeps saying he does want more and the timing is right, but there's no gleam in his eye or anything. I know for a fact that he's afraid of change (it took a lot of pushing to get things like marriage, buying a house, etc. accomplished), but he's always happy after we actually get the change over with. I feel like all this is sounding worse than it actually is. Well, does anyone empathize? 


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#192 of 505 Old 03-24-2011, 03:46 PM
 
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Mine keeps going back and forth between, "Let's make a baby now!" and, "Let's wait at least another year before trying."  

 

Honestly, it kinda pisses me off.  We decided in November that we'd start trying in August/September 2011.  Since then he'll sometimes say the, "Let's make a baby now!" thing, but that's really when he just doesn't want to use a condom and I'm in the fertile time of the cycle.  The, "Let's wait another year" bit just came out when I discovered that our insurance will only cover a CNM, and the only CNMs in the area are part of OB/GYN practices, and I'm pretty sure they won't do a homebirth and I do NOT want a hospital birth.  I contacted a few homebirth midwives and the free standing birthing center and told him how much each of those cost and that's when he said that we should maybe wait.  That was this week.  Then last night he again made the, "Let's make a baby now!" comment.  Grrr....

 

Also, I have no clue how he'll react when I do get pregnant.  Partially because of his current behavior/ambivalence toward the whole thing.  He could be excited.  But, he might just focus on how much it'll cost and get himself all worked up and make me want to bludgeon him with the nearest available object.  I guess we'll (hopefully) find out in August or sometime around then.  

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#193 of 505 Old 03-24-2011, 05:28 PM
 
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Thanks jesshrehor. I'm happy it's not just me with an indecisive husband. His whole thing is about money too. He thinks that we need to be entirely in the green and stay there for multiple months before trying (we've been working on our finances and are actually doing really well, but not perfect yet). The problem is that for my schooling, trying in August is really the best time. That gives us 4 months which would mean that we have to be perfect already. If we don't get pregnant during the time period we're talking about, that means that I'll have to have a preschooler and a toddler under 2 when I'm forced to go back full time for two semesters because of how my program works (teaching blocks). Beyond that, the young toddler couldn't be on campus with me at the preschool because they have to be at least 2 by the beginning of fall semester. Bleh. 

 

For my husband though, I know it's more than just the money. I know he just hates change and having a second child is a big change. Only thing bigger is the first child, which he didn't really get a say in. I'm sure he'll go with it happily when the time is right, but he just won't be jumping up and down. It kills me that we're only 4 months off from trying and he still acts like an accident right now would kill him. :-/


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#194 of 505 Old 03-24-2011, 07:57 PM
 
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Boys are dumb sometimes. Hopefully they both decide to be happy when the time comes. (((hugs))) to you. Feel free to commiserate whenever you need to.
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#195 of 505 Old 03-25-2011, 05:50 AM
 
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My husband is like night and day every time we talk about it he says "just get the IUD out and we will let God decide" but when I mention TTC in Sept.Oct. he is like OMG! We need more money and what about this and that and blah blah blah.

 

I think it is just so different for a woman vs a man. A woman is bringing a new life and knows how hard it will be for 24hr care and totally sleepless nights but what an amazing miracle it all is. A man goes into "me man, me take care of family" mode and starts doing numbers and focusing on where we live and how much he/we make and HOW AM i GOING TO SUPPORT MORE LIVES?!

 

I have calmly explained to DH (since we are low income and he is going to school in Sept...but for a 1yr program) this baby won't cost nearly as much b/c now we know what we are doing. We already have CDs, I will be EBF, we now know co-sleeping works best (although we still have the crib), we have all the bouncy seats and all that stuff from before. The new baby will need clothes and that's it. Besides we would be having a summer babe so what I will buy maybe a few t-shirts? just so people don't think I am running around with a naked babe all the time lol

 

Then he goes into you know you are right, we can do this.

 

Now I married him for the man he is/way he is and right now he has an alright job making $24-27,000 a year. I told him before if he never did anything more with his life (which would suck) we can only have 2 kids. Now that he wants to go to school to get a better job (YAY!) that is why I want to wait until he is enrolled and everything b/c it would be hard to have a newborn with DH working full time and in school, especially since we don't have any family support. So when he get's overwhelmed about it I just explain that. This is the second child we already planned and we will be able to make it work.

 

He also really worries what the effect of another child will have on DD. He is worried about my milk drying up. He is also worried that DD won't feel loved and secure when the baby is born. I keep reassuring him that DD has a solid base for her life b/c of AP and she will be fine. We both grew up in rough and abusive homes and he constantly worries out kids will "be like him" (very insecure and sort of in a panic mode all the time, although over these 8 yrs has seriously improved) I have anger problems...

But again I just reassure him that we are raising DD amazingly and we do not yell or hit or do any of the things our parents did. Our children will all be healthy emotionally and very stable.

 

Anyway if your DH is like mine or is a "stone-wall" type of guy I think all men really need to be reassured, even if they do not express that.

 


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#196 of 505 Old 03-25-2011, 06:54 AM
 
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So technically, you were in the 94% that didn't get pregnant before your first postpartum bleeding.  Some people make it into this 94% with only a bit of breakthrough spotting, and some people with no spotting and only an inadequate luteal phase.  Others just don't time sex at the right time.  Only about 25% of women not trying to prevent pregnancy (and not using fertility awareness to attempt to achieve pregnancy) will end up pregnant within a cycle, so the mechanisms operating at the return of a woman's fertility after childbirth are really only cutting that probability in about 4.



 

yeah technically. i was on the mini pill (progesterone only) until i found out i was preg at 6 weeks. this time i am not on anything. baby is almost 18 mo and no sign of anything.


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#197 of 505 Old 03-25-2011, 09:14 AM
 
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My husband is like night and day every time we talk about it he says "just get the IUD out and we will let God decide" but when I mention TTC in Sept.Oct. he is like OMG! We need more money and what about this and that and blah blah blah.

 

I think it is just so different for a woman vs a man. A woman is bringing a new life and knows how hard it will be for 24hr care and totally sleepless nights but what an amazing miracle it all is. A man goes into "me man, me take care of family" mode and starts doing numbers and focusing on where we live and how much he/we make and HOW AM i GOING TO SUPPORT MORE LIVES?!

 

I have calmly explained to DH (since we are low income and he is going to school in Sept...but for a 1yr program) this baby won't cost nearly as much b/c now we know what we are doing. We already have CDs, I will be EBF, we now know co-sleeping works best (although we still have the crib), we have all the bouncy seats and all that stuff from before. The new baby will need clothes and that's it. Besides we would be having a summer babe so what I will buy maybe a few t-shirts? just so people don't think I am running around with a naked babe all the time lol

 

Then he goes into you know you are right, we can do this.

 

Now I married him for the man he is/way he is and right now he has an alright job making $24-27,000 a year. I told him before if he never did anything more with his life (which would suck) we can only have 2 kids. Now that he wants to go to school to get a better job (YAY!) that is why I want to wait until he is enrolled and everything b/c it would be hard to have a newborn with DH working full time and in school, especially since we don't have any family support. So when he get's overwhelmed about it I just explain that. This is the second child we already planned and we will be able to make it work.

 

He also really worries what the effect of another child will have on DD. He is worried about my milk drying up. He is also worried that DD won't feel loved and secure when the baby is born. I keep reassuring him that DD has a solid base for her life b/c of AP and she will be fine. We both grew up in rough and abusive homes and he constantly worries out kids will "be like him" (very insecure and sort of in a panic mode all the time, although over these 8 yrs has seriously improved) I have anger problems...

But again I just reassure him that we are raising DD amazingly and we do not yell or hit or do any of the things our parents did. Our children will all be healthy emotionally and very stable.

 

Anyway if your DH is like mine or is a "stone-wall" type of guy I think all men really need to be reassured, even if they do not express that.

 


You're right. I think he needs reassurance, but will never admit it. I also think that he doesn't realize that we don't really need much of anything for another child. I mean, of course there are expenses in the long run, but all of the initial stuff you were talking about we already have. Honestly, I doubt we'll even need to buy clothes because grandparents will want to. The only thing I want is a nice rocking chair. I've even gone through stuff and gotten rid of all of the "why the heck did I think I needed this?" stuff. There is the homebirth, which we might end up paying for all of it if I can't convince the health insurance to. Also the fact that I won't be able to donate plasma anymore, so that's 240 a month we won't be getting. Other than that though, he makes a big deal out of all money things even when it's not necessarily warranted. 

 


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#198 of 505 Old 03-25-2011, 10:54 AM
 
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So fellow waiters, I feel like my husband will never actually be ready. I'm not over-exaggerating. I think he'll give the go ahead and I know he wants more children, but I don't think he'll ever be excited about it. Actually, I kind of feel like he'll be sad rather than happy when we do conceive, even if we're trying. 

 

With DD, we weren't trying. He was actually super paranoid about me getting pregnant at times, but it happened anyway. He went through a little bout of sadness when he found out I was pregnant (read the whole Harry Potter series in about 2 weeks), but after that he was fine. He did the Bradley Method with me, actually caught DD, and is a wonderful father. He for sure wants another one and I'm so excited to actually plan it this time around, but I don't think he'll be excited. A friend of mine said that when she told her husband, he was jumping up and down and hugging her belly. I don't think I'll ever have that. Really though, my husband is very reserved and not a very emotional person so I'm not super surprised about this fact. 

 

I guess I just want to be told that I'm not the only one. I want to be told that some of your husbands don't get super excited at the thought of expanding their family. He keeps saying he does want more and the timing is right, but there's no gleam in his eye or anything. I know for a fact that he's afraid of change (it took a lot of pushing to get things like marriage, buying a house, etc. accomplished), but he's always happy after we actually get the change over with. I feel like all this is sounding worse than it actually is. Well, does anyone empathize? 


I totally empathize - my husband is similar. When I found out I was pregnant with DS I was the one who was terrified but he was happy and called everyone he knew the first day. After that though - he didn't care that much. I mean, he cared, but he didn't want to talk about anything - no discussions about planning, no discussions about birth prep, no classes, no nothing. The whole fatherhood thing wasn't real to him until he was holding DS in his arms.

 

This time he has been on and off about getting pregnant - first wanting to, then not. He will be happy but scared when I am pregnant, but he won't show a lot of emotion. I think he would be just as happy if we didn't have another baby. He's doing it more for DS to have a sibling than anything else.
 

 


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#199 of 505 Old 03-25-2011, 02:51 PM
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I think that's the downside to having so much control over family planning (or at least thinking we do).  It comes with a lot of responsibility to use the control we have wisely, and it comes with a lot of questioning whether or not now is the right time.  It used to be people just had babies and expected them to come whenever.  Now, we have the ability to have sexual relationships while significantly reducing the chance of having a baby when we have a serious reason not to get pregnant right now, but it seems like now, there is such a strong temptation to think that we have to get everything in order before we get pregnant, and the truth is that everything won't ever be exactly in order.  At some point, you've got to get to the point that there may be reasons not to get pregnant yet, but it's still the right thing to do.

 

As some other people have pointed out, I think it's harder for husbands to get there.  I think that men more naturally feel a stronger need to oversee providing for the family while women more naturally want to look at relationships.  I see a lot of you ladies talking about how timing will affect your ability to spend time with the new baby and age differences for relationships between siblings.  That's good, that's natural, and it's important to our husbands too, but what presses on them even more is that when they get us pregnant, they are making a commitment with us to provide for the needs of that child for the next 18-25+ years, no matter what, and there are a lot of what ifs.

 

It was really hard to plan the first pregnancy for us.  As soon as we were married, I was wanting and waiting.  Every month, we would decide to put it off another month.  Up until we did TTC, DH was still really unsure, but now, I can't remember why.  I think there was some uncertainty with work, but as it turned out, not only had we not moved, but he had a light travel year for the first year of DD's life.  We decided to go ahead and try, and he never really looked back, especially not after we had a positive pregnancy test.  (If I had gotten any hint from him that he wished I wasn't pregnant, I would have been really mad.)  I was really glad to see such contentment with our decision after such uncertainty, and really the timing was perfect.  When we look back, it couldn't have been better.  I had just graduated from college, and getting pregnant so quickly kept me from having to find something else to do next (grad school, career, etc).  I continued with my job that I already had, paid off the house in my 8th month and quit my job at 38 weeks.  DD was born at the beginning of my mom's spring break, so she got to spend some extra time with us without having to take off work.  Timing just couldn't have been better.

 

It's been much easier to plan the second baby.  DH and I are both on board that as soon as I'm fertile again and have long enough luteal phases, we will TTC #2.  We had originally planned to start TTC when DD turned 2, but it looks like it will have to be a bit longer than that since DD is turning 2 next week, and I'm still not fully fertile, hence the wanting but waiting.  It's really a nice place to be, especially after all the back and forth about TTC #1.  I think it might be because we saw how well it went with DD, and things are even more in order now than they were then.

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#200 of 505 Old 03-26-2011, 05:42 PM
 
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I just thought I'd pipe in and say that I have a husband that also doesn't show a lot of emotion around babies.  DH really didn't 'bond' with DS until he was probably around a year and a half old.  Now that DS is older, he really seems to enjoy him a lot more.  To him, babies are just at one of work and hard for him to handle.  He also wants another kid, but is very nervous about the baby stage.  He is in the go ahead to try this Fall, but that is assuming I will be done with school and will be able to handle most of the baby responsibilities.  Sometimes I also wish he'd get super excited about TTC, but I just know that he's not really a 'baby' guy.  He's a great dad, but he gets more into it when kids are a bit older and he can tease them and rough house a bit.  I think this time around will be easier for him in the baby stage, just because he knows what to expect, but I don't expect him to start kissing my tummy and jumping up and down like you were talking about, lactatinggirl!

 

I think that part of the whole apprehensiveness is also around the fact that we are both in school full time and an oops would really screw things up.  I've been on this road to get my BSN for 3 years steady now, and it would be such a disappointment to have to take a year off when I am so close!  I know DH is really worried about how he will get his homework and studying done with a new baby too.  We live in a small two bed apartment and he's a graphic designer who really needs quiet time to get his creative juices flowing.  We will really have to be creative.  I'm not sure if us being in a more stable position would ease up some of his willies, but we are also both not wanting to put off our family until we are 'financially stable'.  DS might be 10 by that time!!


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#201 of 505 Old 03-26-2011, 08:09 PM
 
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O.k., so it looks like we're in agreement about how men feel so much pressure to provide financially and otherwise for family.  And because of that pressure, it is sometimes hard for them to get on board with giving the go ahead to TTC.  In my case, DH just started a new job (that he HATES! and has him so down), but I really really want to have the "when are we going to start trying for baby #2" talk.  It seems like such horrible timing, but I can't help what I feel.  Plus, my birthday is tomorrow and I can almost hear my biological clock ticking!  

 

So, does anyone know what men need/want to hear when we are asking them to start TTC for a baby?  You know, to make the man feel all powerful and like it's their decision (or whatever caveman kinda stuff they instinctively need to hear!).  In our case, there is absolutely no chance of an oops since dtd is so very rare due to his bouts of depression and job stress.


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#202 of 505 Old 03-26-2011, 09:12 PM
 
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I guess my situation is a bit different.  I have more earning potential than my DP, and we both see me as being the principle provider for our family in the future.  It's what we both want, and what makes sense.  After many years together, I am just now finally in a position where I can plan on having children.  We finally decided when we would begin trying for a baby, and when we talked about it, my DP cried he was so happy about it. He's been waiting for ME to be ready for years.  It took me longer to truly realize that I want children than it took him, but now that we are both on the same page, I am literally ACHING I want a baby so bad.  

 

All those years he was waiting for me to be ready, I must admit I felt guilty, but he never pressured me.  I think if he had, it would have put a strain on our relationship.  I am really thankful that he let me know how he felt about having kids, but never pressured me to start sooner than I was ready.

 

Today we went shopping and happened to see some really cute baby clothes... and we bought some.  Haha.  Waaaay to early to be buying baby stuff but they were so cute, and it was fun :) 

 

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#203 of 505 Old 03-27-2011, 03:39 AM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by JMJ View Post

I think that's the downside to having so much control over family planning (or at least thinking we do).  It comes with a lot of responsibility to use the control we have wisely, and it comes with a lot of questioning whether or not now is the right time.  It used to be people just had babies and expected them to come whenever.  Now, we have the ability to have sexual relationships while significantly reducing the chance of having a baby when we have a serious reason not to get pregnant right now, but it seems like now, there is such a strong temptation to think that we have to get everything in order before we get pregnant, and the truth is that everything won't ever be exactly in order.  At some point, you've got to get to the point that there may be reasons not to get pregnant yet, but it's still the right thing to do.

 

As some other people have pointed out, I think it's harder for husbands to get there.  I think that men more naturally feel a stronger need to oversee providing for the family while women more naturally want to look at relationships.  I see a lot of you ladies talking about how timing will affect your ability to spend time with the new baby and age differences for relationships between siblings.  That's good, that's natural, and it's important to our husbands too, but what presses on them even more is that when they get us pregnant, they are making a commitment with us to provide for the needs of that child for the next 18-25+ years, no matter what, and there are a lot of what ifs.

 

It was really hard to plan the first pregnancy for us.  As soon as we were married, I was wanting and waiting.  Every month, we would decide to put it off another month.  Up until we did TTC, DH was still really unsure, but now, I can't remember why.  I think there was some uncertainty with work, but as it turned out, not only had we not moved, but he had a light travel year for the first year of DD's life.  We decided to go ahead and try, and he never really looked back, especially not after we had a positive pregnancy test.  (If I had gotten any hint from him that he wished I wasn't pregnant, I would have been really mad.)  I was really glad to see such contentment with our decision after such uncertainty, and really the timing was perfect.  When we look back, it couldn't have been better.  I had just graduated from college, and getting pregnant so quickly kept me from having to find something else to do next (grad school, career, etc).  I continued with my job that I already had, paid off the house in my 8th month and quit my job at 38 weeks.  DD was born at the beginning of my mom's spring break, so she got to spend some extra time with us without having to take off work.  Timing just couldn't have been better.

 

It's been much easier to plan the second baby.  DH and I are both on board that as soon as I'm fertile again and have long enough luteal phases, we will TTC #2.  We had originally planned to start TTC when DD turned 2, but it looks like it will have to be a bit longer than that since DD is turning 2 next week, and I'm still not fully fertile, hence the wanting but waiting.  It's really a nice place to be, especially after all the back and forth about TTC #1.  I think it might be because we saw how well it went with DD, and things are even more in order now than they were then.


I totally understand what you're saying with planning things so much. There will never be the perfect timing to have kids and there will never be the perfect time to expand your family. Things just happen how they're supposed to, whether it's what we planned or not. That's definitely one thing that an unplanned pregnancy taught me. Life sometimes takes the wheel rather than planning, and most of the time that's okay. I would never give up DD for the world and I'm so happy that we have her, ideal timing or not. 

 

I think that we're probably where you were at with planning your first one since DD wasn't planned. He's going through all the emotions that a man normally does with deciding to have the first, since he didn't go through them before. In the end what matters is that he'll be happy and I know he will, even if it takes a short adjustment period. 

 

I also I think it's very true that men think in the realm of them providing for that child for the next two decades. DH keeps saying stuff about finances and I keep asking him how much things can possibly change in the next 4 months. I understand that we're still getting things worked out, but it's not like we'll magically have a ton of money in 4 months. We'll be in the same situation money-wise and we'll be making it work either way. I think that when he says financially, he really is thinking long-term. I don't plan on working for some time after I graduate, so he'll be the provider for all that time. Even after that, we're planning on my income as more of icing on the cake rather than what we live on, so it'll still be mostly his responsibility. 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gator-mom View Post

I just thought I'd pipe in and say that I have a husband that also doesn't show a lot of emotion around babies.  DH really didn't 'bond' with DS until he was probably around a year and a half old.  Now that DS is older, he really seems to enjoy him a lot more.  To him, babies are just at one of work and hard for him to handle.  He also wants another kid, but is very nervous about the baby stage.  He is in the go ahead to try this Fall, but that is assuming I will be done with school and will be able to handle most of the baby responsibilities.  Sometimes I also wish he'd get super excited about TTC, but I just know that he's not really a 'baby' guy.  He's a great dad, but he gets more into it when kids are a bit older and he can tease them and rough house a bit.  I think this time around will be easier for him in the baby stage, just because he knows what to expect, but I don't expect him to start kissing my tummy and jumping up and down like you were talking about, lactatinggirl!

 

I think that part of the whole apprehensiveness is also around the fact that we are both in school full time and an oops would really screw things up.  I've been on this road to get my BSN for 3 years steady now, and it would be such a disappointment to have to take a year off when I am so close!  I know DH is really worried about how he will get his homework and studying done with a new baby too.  We live in a small two bed apartment and he's a graphic designer who really needs quiet time to get his creative juices flowing.  We will really have to be creative.  I'm not sure if us being in a more stable position would ease up some of his willies, but we are also both not wanting to put off our family until we are 'financially stable'.  DS might be 10 by that time!!


DH has told me that he didn't really care for DD very much when she was a baby. Of course he loved her and spent time with her, but he said that he really bonded with her once she was actually up and moving. Now that DD is a toddler, they spend hours chasing each other around playing games. I think men are more physical like that. DH has also told me that he wants to have another kid, but wouldn't care at all if we could skip the baby stage. :-P


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#204 of 505 Old 03-27-2011, 04:35 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy2bnc View Post

O.k., so it looks like we're in agreement about how men feel so much pressure to provide financially and otherwise for family.  And because of that pressure, it is sometimes hard for them to get on board with giving the go ahead to TTC.  In my case, DH just started a new job (that he HATES! and has him so down), but I really really want to have the "when are we going to start trying for baby #2" talk.  It seems like such horrible timing, but I can't help what I feel.  Plus, my birthday is tomorrow and I can almost hear my biological clock ticking!  

 

So, does anyone know what men need/want to hear when we are asking them to start TTC for a baby?  You know, to make the man feel all powerful and like it's their decision (or whatever caveman kinda stuff they instinctively need to hear!).  In our case, there is absolutely no chance of an oops since dtd is so very rare due to his bouts of depression and job stress.

Well I think above all things right now he needs help not being depressed and stressed out. When DH gets like this (quite often with his job) I try and spice things up a bit. I give him hot stone massages to release his tension. Even if he "isn't in the mood" I will usually *ahem* go down on him to get him there. He always feels better afterward. For my DH and maybe of all men I think sexually releasing tension helps quite a bit. Maybe get kinky? Buy a toy and see how he responds? hahah I sound like a guru

As for what they want to hear...well that is a lot tougher! I think all men are a bit different in what tey feel is more important. Money is certainly a big one...honestly though if he hates his new job a baby right now will not be a good combo. Maybe he should find a better job, or just switch to a new company or w/e? Being the provider and hating how you have to do it is not a good combo.
 

 


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#205 of 505 Old 03-27-2011, 06:55 AM
 
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Very true about getting the stress and depression out of the way first.  And thanks for the other tips to spice things up!  


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#206 of 505 Old 03-27-2011, 05:01 PM
 
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hide.gif AF is a no show...3 days late. I have an IUD though WTH? praying.gif it comes tonight.


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#207 of 505 Old 03-28-2011, 05:32 AM
 
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It came! ha I knew the minute I "told someone" it would, that's how it always works lol


 Young born-again mama and loving wife peace.gif to DH jammin.gif and SAHP to two crazy girls dust.gifwehomebirth.jpgfly-by-nursing2.gifslinggirl.giffamilybed1.gif and believe gd.giflactivist.gif  signcirc1.gif !

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#208 of 505 Old 03-28-2011, 08:50 AM
 
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i am no longer wanting or waiting. i am done having kids. you can remove me from the list. :(

 

me and all my children ahve been diagnosed with fructose intolerance and they are saying we probably have a mitochondrial dna defect. i have already passed it on to 3 children. i am not willing to do it to more. :(

 

it results in lifelong issues that cause suffering.

 

i hope that the rest of you have your dream pregnancies! good luck to all of you!


Me,DH,DS1'95, '98,DSD'03,DD1'07,DD2'09,DS2'12 Living with Fructose Malabsorption Syndrome and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Type 3-Hypermobility.)o( and sometimes I get toif I am lucky.
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#209 of 505 Old 03-28-2011, 09:52 AM
 
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grouphug.gif


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#210 of 505 Old 03-28-2011, 10:47 AM
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Hugs to you, LionessMom.  That is very difficult news.  I hope that you eventually find peace.

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