Tell a friend after her loss - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 03-14-2011, 11:55 AM - Thread Starter
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I am wondering what others have done when dealing with telling others about a pregnancy when they are dealing with infertility and more specific a very difficult loss ( about 6 month ago now).


I think in person is best, maybe at the end of a get together with the to of us.  I kind of figure that way she can go process it however she needs.  I don't want to sit through an entire meal with her being upset.  But I kind of feel like I am not being honest by holding back.  

I am so not looking forward to telling this friend :(  I feel really bad. I just want to do it in the lest hurtful way. 

(PS Last time we talked on the phone she was saying how "Everyones pregnant." around her so I know it bothers her.)

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#2 of 4 Old 03-14-2011, 04:30 PM
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My close friend was kind enough to tell me on the phone a few days before I saw her. I personally was very grateful, I had a few days to process it, get used to it and be happy for her. And on the phone I was able to be excited for her while crying inside. I am pretty sure my face betrayed because one look and DH knew without me even saying congrats to her yet.
Best wishes, it is very kind of you to think of others when I am sure you are just bursting! Congrats on your LO, wishing you a wonderful pregnancy!
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#3 of 4 Old 03-15-2011, 06:58 AM - Thread Starter
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Thank you very much for the insight.  I am sorry for your difficulties.

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#4 of 4 Old 03-26-2011, 08:27 PM
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I had a lot of friends that fell pregnant right after I had my stillborn (like 12 people!) and I know that, for me anyway, it wasn't a big deal. But I didn't have any problem getting pregnant and Macey's death wasn't do to any health problems on my part. I felt more like every time I saw anyone that they expected me to be bawling or to be happy and pregnant again, like I had to choose one or the other. If your friend has had infertility problems and then had a miscarriage I would think that would be harder and can understand how you would want to be more attentive to her feelings. Maybe just tell her when its just the two of you over coffee or lunch, etc., and then explain that you weren't sure how to tell her but try not to act like you feel bad for her. I remember that was the crappiest feeling ever; to know that on top of being depressed, that everyone felt bad for you or pitied you.


**After reading the PP I wanted to add that when the first one of my friend's baby was born I know I felt a lot of resentment towards their baby but was conflicted because I was also happy for them and the baby was so cute. It took me a couple of weeks of seeing the baby once a week at softball before I felt like I was ready to hold the baby and not feel any resentment. I felt like it was disrespectful to hold the baby and have secret resentment and jealousy. I don't know if any of this helps. Sorry. I think, though, that it will just be better for her to rip the band aid of, so to speak, and then she can process it and heal however she needs to. You never know, she might not even bat an eyelash.





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