Anyone regret having #2? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 05-27-2011, 07:17 PM - Thread Starter
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I'm really struggling with the question of having another baby.  My dd is 3 and we had originally thought that we would have two by now.  Although the early baby years were really hard, especially for my husband (who has aspergers and doesn't deal easily with change or chaos), our daughter has just brought so much joy into our lives.  We just have so much fun as a family and it seems that we laugh and play more than we ever did pre-children.


We had planned to have two children, but I worry that adding another could really upset our delicate balance.  But, I worry that I will regret not having another.  And if it were just me I would certainly want another one, or even two!  But, my husband never wanted children but has lovingly been willing to have them because it means so much to me.  And he has a great relationship with dd and is really glad that we had her.  It has taken three years to find our center again (and there are still struggles).  I'm afraid of ruining what we have right now, though.  


Our circumstances might make our situation different from a typical family (whatever that is!), but I'm curious if anyone added another child to their family and then it upset things to the point that there were regrets.  I guess that might be hard to say because we love our children and couldn't imagine life without them once they are here.  


Still, I thought I'd ask....







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#2 of 7 Old 05-28-2011, 06:28 AM
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Well, I can't say I regret having a second child, but I will say it absolutely disrupted the balance.  But you'll find a new balance.  It's very true that you will change the relationship you have with your first... it's not all about her anymore, but I think that is a good thing.  Now she has to share time and learn to do more on her own- good lessons.  And oh does she love her little brother!  Our second is very different from our first- more mellow, self-sufficient, and easy going.  And we are much more relaxed as parents having been through it before.  While going from one to two is definitely a shock and a challenge, I think ultimately it brought more balance to the family b/c we don't put so much focus on just our first- have the family revolve around her and her needs/wants.  But, of course, balance is something we do continue to work on daily. 


I think you have to go with your gut - if you feel the desire for two and you don't want your dd to be an only child, I think these are very important things to consider.

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#3 of 7 Old 05-28-2011, 07:04 AM
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I agree with PP.  I love having 2 and would never change it, but it has changed the dynamics of our family drastically.  We are still really in the thick of it (DD2 is almost 9 months) and are waiting for our new normal to settle in.  I love seeing DD1 with her and the interactions already.  It is amazing how much they love each other and have already formed such an amazing bond.  


You do have to trust your insticts though.  Having an only child can be great too (I think there may be an entire forum for parents of only children.)  


Also, I have heard with age spaces larger than 4 years, it is like having 2 only children.  I had a sister who was 5 years older and while we are best friends now, it was not the case growing up.  


Good luck with whatever you decide.

SAHM to Chloe«- 6/2008 (10 lbs, 5 oz), Hannah- 9/2010 (9 lbs, 12 oz), Liam- 2/2013 (9 lbs, 6 oz)

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#4 of 7 Old 06-01-2011, 10:39 AM
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I can't speak to having two children, as we are in a similar boat (happy with one but seriously considering/planning a second), but I did want to say that my brother is five years younger than I am, and we were really close growing up, so I wouldn't worry about a four+ year gap as far as the kids are concerned; I think personality has a lot more to do with it. We did lose some closeness in adolescence, but we have always gotten along well.

I'm finding the decision to have a second child difficult in many ways. We are still in the thick of the challenging toddler years, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I worry about how adding a baby will complicate things and make us less mobile again, but I also am one of those people who is very happy to have a sibling, and I hope for the same for our son. So I am about 90% certain we will try for a second. But there are many great only-child families out there--we know one in particular with a very well-rounded, happy teenager--so if that is what ends up feeling right to you, don't feel badly about it. There are pros and cons both ways.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

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#5 of 7 Old 06-13-2011, 05:26 PM - Thread Starter
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Thanks for all of the thoughts.  I am feeling more settled about trying for #2.  It seems that month after month something has gotten in the way of trying, though.  My cycles have been all over the place and the timing has consistently been bad for trying.  Either DH is out of town or in the middle of a work project that needs all of his energy and leaves him too tired to DTD.  It seems that the universe is conspiring against it!  I turn 40 this year too, so I am really feeling that this is it, now or never.  So it makes the delays really hard and I've wondered if it is a sign.  


But I just had a Chinese astrology reading today and it said that a second child would actually really bring more stability to our family.  So I am feeling a lot more at ease about the idea.  Now, we just have to figure out how to give him/her a chance to come since it seems like we are going to loose about 5 months of trying with all of this cycle and work craziness.  


I am also glad to hear about the later spacing working out well.  I think it might be best for my family in the long run, but I am a bit sad that the years will be so split and the children won't necessarily share the same interests at the same time.  But it is what it is, right?

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#6 of 7 Old 07-03-2011, 11:16 AM
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It's a tricky question! We have two (neither planned) 22 months apart. It is definitely difficult to tend to the needs of both little guys. However, in the long run, we hope they will be pals and have a strong bond. Even at 14 months and 3 years, the bond is growing stronger everyday. From my experience, spacing them closer generally creates a stronger bond in the end. It's harder for us parents, but I think better for them. My siblings and I are close in age, and they have been amazing (although my sis and I were at each other's throats growing up). My husband and both parents are spaced far apart from their siblings, and they find it harder to connect. Good luck! Remember that there is always adoption too, should you want them closer in age :)

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#7 of 7 Old 07-03-2011, 01:15 PM
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I have 3 boys each over 4 years apart and it was been wonderful.  My kids get along really well and love each other so much.  My oldest is turning 10 at the end of the summer, my second is 5 and my 3rd is 15 months.  You will find a new balance to your family.  I think having a sibling teaches a lot too.  I found when we had our 3rd that we felt so much more like a family, not sure why.  It is busy having more than 1 but so much fun.  It can be a tough decision, I know for us it was the third that was the tougest decision and I am so glad we ended up with our little boy.  It is so much fun watching the older boys getting to know their little brother and learning from each other.  That being said, we are all different so what is my experience is going to be different than someone elses.  Do what you feel is right for your family and you will make it work for you. 

Mom to three great boys Michael (Sept/01), Carter (Nov/05) and Reid (March/10).

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