Feeling done? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 11 Old 04-12-2004, 04:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How do you know when you are done having babies? Is it an absolute feeling of being done or do you still have unsure feelings?

My DH does not want any more children. He wants a vasectomy done.

I'm not sure if I want more babies or not. Some days I do and some days I don't. I have a 3 yr old DS and a 2 month old DS and right now I'm very exhausted. I'm glad I'm not pregnant and I wouldn't want to be.

I'm just a bit uneasy about permenant birth control. I don't know if I feel done. Is it normal to not be 100% certain?

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#2 of 11 Old 04-12-2004, 04:55 PM
 
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I think that even when your rational brain KNOWS you are done and is comfortable with that, you still have biological urges for "one more baby."
For me, I know that I am spread too thin with just one child. I should not have any more, because it would probably land me in a mental hospital.
But still, when I read about my pals here at MDC TTC, and getting + test results, buying newborn diapers, picking out names, planning homebirths, I think about being pregnant and laboring and what I would name the baby and all that. But eventually I snap out of that and remember how long it took me to even feel like a human again (it was pretty recently) after dd's birth.
So rationally, I know we're done, but emotionally there's still some pangs.
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#3 of 11 Old 04-14-2004, 05:49 PM
 
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I was going to post something similar to this. and lo and behold, the first thing I see is this thread!

I've got a 2 year old and 8 month old daughters and I also don't know if I feel "done" although my husband does. He worries about the cost of a 3rd, needing more room and a bigger car for 3 car seats (a mini-van??!!!)

At times I worry, too, when we have a bad night and both are up, if I have the emotional energy to add one more. Sometimes 2 is enough. I want to write more, but the baby is crying now....naps are over.

maybe more posts will come in with some insight
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#4 of 11 Old 04-14-2004, 05:57 PM
 
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I have no insight, but I know how you feel.

I have three. While I was pregnant with my third I thought through the whole pregnancy this is my last. Dh does not want to have more and wants to get a vasectomy. AFter having the baby I told dh to wait at least six months. When six months came I told him to wait at least 2 more years. So he has agreed for now that when our youngest turns 2 we will discuss this issue again (the baby is 9.5 months so we've got a while to decide).

I worry though that I'll never feel done. What if I have a fourth and I still want more. I can't imagine having a family of five or six. Is there a point where you just have to be logical about it and ignore those baby desires?

Jules411 – I already have the minivan so I’ve got room for at least two more kids! Wouldn’t want to waste all that space in the van :
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#5 of 11 Old 04-14-2004, 06:12 PM
 
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I was on the fence for a long time and just recently (within the last year) hit the I'm sure I'm done point. I do not want one more. period.

But I fertility issues which drug it out longer than expected and my last pregnancy ended in a loss. But, I have so many thing s I want to do that I won't be able to with a small babe. And my kid is almost out of the house. Do not want to start over at 40 with a baby.
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#6 of 11 Old 04-14-2004, 09:35 PM
 
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I'm back...kids went to park with dad...
The two things I wanted to add before were:

I wonder, like Dotcommama, if I'll feel done after having another, if that happens. Now I think maybe I want one more and that will be it and I'll know it, so I'll enjoy the pregnancy more and all the hard things about newborns, knowing it is the last time.

I don't know how to discuss this with DH, since both of us just counter each other about the various "logical" points of having or not having another one. To me it is more an emotional decision (a feeling), rather than a totally logical one...to a point, I know my limitations! Logically, a 4th really would mean moving to a bigger place and I don't think we have the financial and emotional resources to take care of everyone's needs. Therefore I feel like one more will be it.

I hope I feel done when we are done. I told DH we can talk about it when the baby is 1, but I am always thinking about it and I wish I knew one way or the other.
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#7 of 11 Old 04-15-2004, 06:21 PM
 
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I had a tubal ligation two weeks ago (I had my fifth child by repeat c-section... got the tubal while they were "in there"). I must say that I'm somewhat sad over the "change"... Meaning I know I'll never have another child. It relieves me and makes me sad at the same time. I loved being pregnant. I love the newborn stage. I love the toddler and preschool stage. Then, as they get older, I feel more removed from them...

DH loves our kids older...i.e., 6 and up. I love them (meaning, I prefer) younger children, as they still have the "WOW" factor. You know, when they are always just so awed by life? As a child gets older and more "jaded" I feel less excitement. I'm not sure if what I am typing makes any sense (I'm kinda tired right now).

So, yes... It is normal not to be 100% about it. No matter that already have five... I feel as though a key part of my "femaleness" has been taken. By my choice, but, I still feel sad. I don't want to have any more.
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#8 of 11 Old 04-15-2004, 07:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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When it's three in the morning and I'm up nursing for the umpteenth time that night, I think there is no way I'd want another child. The I remind myself that I'm in the newborn stage and exhausted.

I think I feel better by knowing that having another is a possibility whether I really have a baby or not. Just knowing that I could or might keeps me from being sad. That's why I'm sad at the thought of a vasectomy. The possibility would be gone.

Nice to know that my feelings are normal.
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#9 of 11 Old 04-19-2004, 02:35 PM
 
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Vanessa, I'd say that if you have a 3 y.o. and a 2 month old, you can't even consider the future past maybe an hour from now . . .if you can plan even a day ahead, you're doin' well! Relish this newborn stage without worrying about anything else. When your youngest hits a year or 2 years, you'll be able to "know" your true feelings better.

 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif

 

 

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#10 of 11 Old 04-19-2004, 08:00 PM
 
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I agree...I have three, 11, 8 & 1/2 and 3 & 1/2.....I don't want one today...but we are thinking maybe trying next year. I think sometimes we rush our choices based on the current situation. I couldn't imagine having a 2 month old and thinking about another baby! I like to get through some of the stress of the baby and toddler stage and then when everyone has had their special time being the baby.....think of the possibility. I think that will give you a much better idea of where and how you will feel. And so much happens in those first three years.......enjoy them and then you won't feel so tired and unhuman to think of doing it again....you forget all the bad stuff and remember only the good for the most part! And you'll get a chance to recoup and be able to catch up on all that sleep and good time with the other two!

Good luck!
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#11 of 11 Old 04-21-2004, 07:23 PM
 
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I'm pregnant now with a surprise #3. We had planned to be done after dd (#2), but throughout my pg. with her, and until I got pregnant when she was 10.5 months old, I didn't feel done at all. DH and I hadn't discussed a third, but he knew I wanted another but hadn't decided what he wanted. I really feel that I'll feel done after this one. I've always felt that we'd have 3 children, even though we'd agreed on two, and I don't have the concern that I did during my last pregnancy that I'd want another one.
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