a little bit of background - I am planning to be a surrogate for a wonderful friend who had cancer 2years ago and cannot carry or conceive on her own. Everything was going along perfect, fertility specialist appointments and counselling were to start in 3weeks time.
we were using charting as our method of contraception, last cycle came 5days early on the 20th of dec right before the busy holiday period. Things got crazy and I wasn't charting very often but thought things were fine. We only bd twice during that cycle once on new years eve when this pregnancy was conceived.....................
We found out on the 17th of Jan and I am devastated we are not in a financial situation to be able to bring another baby into the world, nor do i feel we as a family could cope, we already have two beautiful boys.
Last fri I went to the dr's to arrange a termination. I have to wait until the end of this week for an ultrasound to confirm a viable pregnancy to be able to go publicly.
We told our friends who were intended to be surrogates for and they are devastated, and have decided that its best we dont go ahead with the surrogacy at this point in time.
I am so tired, so scared and devastated. I don't want this child, but I know there is no way we can raise it financially or emotionally.
My husband is supporting me, but i know secretly he would like a third child even though it is completely impractical. and would cause so much stress and anxiety. We would need a new house, at least one new car, another carseat. Clothing. Diapers. All of which we just cannot afford.
I am so lost I feel so guilty for letting our beautiful friends down, they are the most amazing people. Who desperately want a child, yet we have conceived one and all we want is for it to go away
I wish I could there with you right now to help, because I completely understand. 18 months ago, I was where you are-except surrogacy. And it was NOT pretty.
I was DONE having children in my heart, soul and mind. I had a beautiful daughter & I was happy. We practiced barrier (condoms) AND I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. On top of that my first pregnancy was not easy to say the least and I didn't want to be pregnant ever again. Here's my background:
I vacationed 3+ weeks & was apart from my husband. After returning home, he rather insensitively initiated unprotected sex and it was over before I knew it. This was the ONLY time w/o barrier. So, 6 weeks later I'm feeling like a hot pile of crap. Curiously I take a pregnancy test. It was positive! I was angry, devastated, scared & just plain pissed and bitter.
But now I regret all the awful notions & hopes that I had and hope my daughter never knows anything about them. Even though my husband wanted another one; I didn't want more children. I was stressed about the demands of another child, the financial strain, and having to start all over again and get everything for another baby. Our daughter was 4 now and we didn't have anything we needed for a baby.
I ended up with the worst morning sickness and eventually that distress made way for a horrible onslaught of obsessive compulsive disorder that required medication. In hindsight, we learned I had horribly substandard OB care by a doctor that was not even fully an OB but never disclosed that he was still earning his qualifications until the day of my c-section. He just let me stay debilitated by my morning sickness, completely refusing to give me medication for it. That was, until I essentially went crazy and then he handed out a prescription for prozac without blinking. But it was too late. I still wasn't my husbands wife or my daughters mother for pretty much my entire pregnancy, but a complete basket case and a total pain in the ass for everyone around me.
I cannot reiterate how bad the entire situation was for me. My pregnancy wasn't joyful like the first at all because I didn't want it.
Thankfully however, my life has drastically changed, but really ultimately for the better. My little girl is 9 months old now. She is the happiest baby I know & I can't imagine life wihout her. She is so sweet and her smiles seem to be so forgiving of my initial anger and bitterness. When I look at her I cant even think of the negativity, but only how happy I am to have her. My heart is so broken by how bitter I was toward her in utero. I'm so thankful I didn't terminate. The baby stuff that I fretted about came together after all. In comparison, they are really only 'things'. I'm not 'crazy' anymore. And I have another awesome, amazing, beautiful child.
But I know what your feeling. That panic, fear, anger and despair that is raging through you right now. I cant stand chiche's so I wont throw them at you. But if I could humbly offer my advice & experience; I would tell you that I cant see how terminating would fix this. This IS a huge monkey wrench in yours and that couples plans. I know you need things. But don't let this get you like I let it get me. I came out a regretful had-been crazy bitch that found myself more reduced to tears for wasting my time being bitter about a child that didn't mold perfectly to my plans. It doesnt stay so bad. Is it always easy? No. We have less financial flexibility, but we manage ok and I wouldn't forfeit her over money and worries.
Im still kinda resentful toward my husband for being selfish that one time. I was pissed he got his way with another child because he couldn't sympathize how hard and devastating this was for me and that made me mad as hell. BUT I am the one that really won after all because now I've got this awesome baby out of all the crap I went through.
Even though I didn't think there would be a snowballs chance in hell that it ever could be a good outcome, everything has come together better than I could have imagined. Our 5 year old is the best big sister I know and I came out of everything a much stronger, happier and confident person. I got my husband in for a vasectomy-which we didn't have to pay for at all. (WIN!!!) And now I'm just enjoying being a mom to a baby again.
I don't want another woman with a situation so close to my heart to go through the hell I went through. Much less the worse hell that would come from terminating. I know people-both males and females who now have their own issues after terminating pregnancy(ies). One was disfigured internally as a result. Not worth it. A guy I dated had long standing issues as a result of an ex terminating. To this day, he still has no children even though he has wanted them since he heard his girlfriend was pregnant over 13 years ago. Its sad. I never thought a man was capable of those feelings.
The bottom line is that there is so much more to this than you can see right now and what you cant see right now is the good in all of this because its being clouded by the negativity. And if I could be completely honest for a moment, had someone said that last sentence to me 18 months ago I would have punched them in the face. But being where I am now, I can say that it really is true even though its probably not what I would have wanted to hear.
You don't know me from the next person and I don't know what will come of this ultimately, but if I can be of any help or support; I would love to be there for you. I might have done better if I had someone who understood my situation more and had better things to offer me than the negativity that was eating away at me. My heart breaks for you.
I know that this is not the end or the worst because I've seen that it is the beginning of bigger things and a better me. And I like my bigger family and the better me...
Anyways, I'm sorry this is so long and I hope I haven't bored you to death or pissed you off. Feel free to respond with whatever you feel-and I really mean that. You need to be heard and understood and I've got your back if you want me to. =]
I fully respect that this is your choice whatever you decide (and obviously it's a very difficult one). Not to be cliche because I would never suggest this under typical circumstances, but...
Have you considered adoption? Did you discuss the possibility of adoption with your friends? I realize it's not the same thing as surrogacy by any means for all people involved, but from an outsider's perspective it almost seems like the stars may have aligned on this one.
Lovin' my sweetheart, pregnant with #1 (EDD Feb.2013)
Have you researched to see if there are any places like this in your area: http://www.gbpregnancyhelp.com/. This particular center will help mothers with diapers, clothes, you name it for two years! There is so much compassionate and generous help out there if you look in the right places. Please take your time with this decision. I'll pray for you and your family.
Thank you all for your heartfelt replies I truly appreciate the time you took to write them.
I am still at a complete loss as what route of action to take if any, I managed to book an ultrasound but not until the 10th of february which is 2weeks away, putting me at 7wks3days big enough to see a baby a fully formed human being :( Having trouble organising things - which is a sign that this is the wrong thing to be doing I know a termination is not meant to be convenient for a reason but i thought it would be easier if it were meant to be so to speak.
I spoke to my friend yesterday - who i was planning on being the surrogate for and she is broken, she can't stand to talk to me, she is really struggling right now. I know I have hurt her, it was never my intention I am not a bad person. This is hard on me too, yet at the moment she can't seem to see that. She really hurt me with the way she spoke to me yesterday, like a piece of trash she'd just like to throw away and forget about now it has nothing to offer her.
I have said we shouldnt speak for at least a few weeks until things have calmed down and she has decided how she would like to proceed.
My husband and I had a very frank talk last night, he says he will support me no matter my choice. But adoption is out of the question for him. And he has the right to vito that idea this is of course part of him too. Ideally, he said he would like to continue with the pregnancy and we would have to just make adjustments huge adjustments to our lifestyle.
I felt grief stricken, to know that he wants something I don't. Actually now I am not sure how I feel. Overnight i have thought maybe we could make it work, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe it would be the making of us. But I also felt incredibly sad for my two boys, the thought of losing what i have with them, things can be difficult enough as it is with just the two of them. Our life minus this pregnancy is pretty wonderful. I feel like I need some guidance to figure out what i truly feel.
I dont want to feel sadness and resentment to this pregnancy/child if we choose to continue on.
Your story has yet another uncanny similarity to my own. I did not include the fact that I cried and constantly had meltdowns over fear of not being able to love my oldest enough anymore or that I couldnt love the next one enough. The only reason I did not include that was because I figured I'd said so much already and didn't want to add to the huge response I'd already left. So yes, again; I understand how you feel all to well. And I have yet another long response.
In my own experience, the resentment wasn't the baby as much as it was my husband. And the moment she was born, resentment was the farthest thing from my heart, soul and mind. It immediately was obvious that my love was not in any way divided but really, actually multiplied. However, I totally get where you are coming from. My life was just getting to where I wanted it-looking at a nice part time job (and more money), my daughter starting school, having my days open to do what I wanted, etc. That went out the window, but I've noticed that our babies are capable of just getting us to be calm, gentle, sweet and that they are completely disarming in addition to bringing out our ability to unselfishly and unconditionally love them no matter how much they cry, puke, pee or poop on us or the ungodly hours they keep us awake nursing them. Its pretty amazing. I love my daughter for bringing that out in me again after I thought for so long that I could never love a child again like my first. I am a believer now that I have seen it was never the impossibility that I feared it was. Which is why I feel so passionate about sharing it from the other side of things.
As for your "friend", if she treated you that way just because you got pregnant apart from her own interests; then she unfortunately really only does see you as an object and completely disposable. I wouldn't just give her a week or two, I'd give her the rest of my life to stay away from me. Screw waiting until things 'blow over', she is self absorbed and honestly too toxic to consider as a friend. The way she treated you is not what a friend does-EVER. She should never place her jealousy in your ability to conceive on you as if it is an affliction to her. In fact, if that is the degree of her maturity, she shouldn't have children of her own right now anyways due to the narssisisstic and sociopathic tendancies in her behavior alone. Maybe there is a good reason she does not have children? It is not your fault she cannot conceive, but she is treating you like it is. And that is really screwed up on her part.
I can sympathize with having trouble conceiving, but her behavior has become inexcusable and completely inappropriate. You couldn't pay me enough to bear a child for a woman like that or play the part as her doormat friend.
You should be grateful that you dodged a bullet with all this. I can't imagine being so closely connected as a friend, let alone a surrogate to such a bitter and selfish person. I think the fact that you did not get to conceive for her is a blessing in disguise-for you AND the potential child whom she clearly does not have the maturity or capacity to properly bring up right now. I hope for that woman's sake that she is able to gain valuable maturity and unselfishness before she has children.
Whether we like to admit it or not, the truth is that some people just should not have children. I think she just might be one of those people right now, but hopefully not forever.
You are not her object to use and abuse. You are a person. Your value does not depend on your ability to carry a child for her. You cannot walk her life for her because you must walk your own. You are a very admirable and kind person to consider being a surrogate. You do not deserved to be nor should you ever be abused by that woman. I think you need to keep a very healthy distance from this woman because she cannot be the friend that you need right now. Instead of being happy for you and being supportive, she is bitter and weighing you down.
You seem like such an amazing mother and person on your own, I can't see how it would be too hard to find better, supportive and worthwhile friends to surround yourself with. If I were near you,I'd be right there for you and I'd have a lot to say to the woman who is crapping on you over all of this.
I know that the in vitro process, fertilization, hormones, etc are all expensive, emotional and time consuming, and even heartbreaking when things don't work out. But you are need to know that you are not the 'problem' no matter what she tries to say to convince you otherwise. Don't give her control over your thoughts or decisions. There is more to your life than she is able to handle right now and you need to cut ties with her. Period.
I know that's probably a lot to take in, but I care enough for you to be truthful. You deserve a fulfilling pregnancy-regardless of whether or not it was planned and I personally feel that your consideration of terminating is far more deeply rooted in disappointing the people you were going to carry for. I have a very hard time believing you would feel so poorly or consider terminating if you didn't have such a woman placing unnecessary weight and pressure in you for her own interests. You are married, have children and obviously have a stable relationship with your husband; so it's really more an ideal circumstance for you to have a child. Some women do not have those things and are facing an unplanned pregnancy.
I'm not a nutjob or anything, and I know you have the right to choose. But this is your husband's child also-not some deadbeat strangers baby from some random one night stand. He is the father and actually finds joy in the possibility of another child. I know he said he would fully support you you in whatever decision you made, and I know the baby is in your womb, but you can't deny that you have an actual stable home and family for this child. It doesn't even seem like a question off whether or not it would be best to keep this baby. If your friend was truly a friend, she would be more pissed to think you would terminate when she could not even conceive.
Your life changed, as did your plans. So what?! You have your life to live, so live it and love it to the fullest. Don't miss out on account of that woman's displaced issues.
I am not picking sides or trying to make you feel badly, but personally I am happy for you and I hope you will at least allow yourself the possibility to open your heart to another child. I am delighted by my 'major-surprise-bundle-of-joy'. I never knew she could complete me so much. And you need to know that you deserve and are worthy of all the awesome joys that come with another child in spite of someone else's inability to carry children.
I think this one is longer than the first. By anyways, I hope you are doing well. And again, feel free to respond however you want. =]
Also if you would like to connect outside of this forum, send me a
direct message and I'll get my info right out to you.
Good luck with all you are facing. i think BrZandi gave some good advice. I had initialy thought to say that maybe your pregnancy was a blessing for your friend since surrogate pregnancies don't always work and now you have a healthy thriving baby in you, but on reading your later post on how she treated you as well as your husband hoping to keep the child, I think you should keep it yourself. I know it will be hard and scary, but a lot of worthwhile things in life are hard. Also, if you were to abort the baby, even if your husband says he supports your decision, I think it could drive a wedge between you and the ghost of the child would always be in your marriage and family. I wish you the best and will pray for your health and your family!