We have a 4.5 year old DS who is very high need. He also has some health and developmental issues (food allergies, asthma, verbal apraxia, autism). We had mostly decided for the past year that we would not be having another child. This made me very sad. I always wanted at least two children AND I also thought a sbiling would be a good thing for our son. But the stress on our family with his issues and stress for him made us think it was not possible.
Then, over the past several months DS started doing so well and my DH and I started feeling so much better that we recently decided that we think we COULD have another baby.
We basically decided this just last week and are already planning on TTC next week when I expect to ovulate. (I am also 39 and really feeling the urgency to do this soon if we are going to do this.)
This has made us both so happy! We've been talking about names. We're already figuring out ways to configure a larger family bed. I have been talking about the idea of a sibling already with DS (who so far seems positive about it, although I am not sure how much he really understands).
THEN, last night as I was trying to fall asleep I was gripped with an almost panic. And I wound up crying for a long time looking at my little sleeping DS. I just suddenly felt so scared about what we are doing. Is this right? Will this ruin my DS's life? Will we able to manage? What if we have another special needs child? Etc . . . Everything I could possibliy worry about.
I woke this morning still feeling very much like I want this but also more scared. For so long it's just been me and DH and DS. We're like this little team. His life is so predictable right now. He's the center of our lives. What will this do to him? How could I ever love another child as much as him?
I feel like I am doing something for him that is a gift BUT ALSO like I am betraying him somehow.
Is this normal?
I can relate!! My DD will be 5 in May, DH and I have been back and forth about TTC #2 for 3 years and it never seemed like a good idea to either of us to TTC during all that time. Two moves, job insecurity, and through it all, the deep feeling that adding another would cause DD to suffer, because we did not have the time, energy, or resources for two. Also, two babies with all we were dealing with and we would have been at each other's throats- which would be horrible for all.
Then, Jan 1st I land a great part-time job, we've finally settled into our first home, and DH's job is 100% stable. Time to TTC! Then my panic sets in..all the fears of pregnancy x1000. I'm in my 2nd TWW and feeling better than last month when I was a complete stress case. Panicked that I would be pregnant and equally so that I wouldn't be (ridiculous!!!).
I'm 37 so I know about feeling the ticking clock. It's made so much worse because I originally planned everything so we would have two kids before I turned 35 just like the doctors tell you. I can say no matter what happens I won't have any regrets and you shouldn't either. I don't know the degree of you son's needs but you have to trust your instinct here...and I know how ridiculous that advice is, because when it's TTC time my 'instinct' is to hide under my blankets all day!
This is exactly how I feel! I was just thinking last night that I could imagine being devasted if I don't get pregnant this month but also relieved at the same time! Ahhh! Crazy-making.
I also have fears about being pregnant. While my pregnancy with my DS was actually very healthy, I had a lot of pain throughout. AND I had a very early miscarriage (at 5 weeks) before my DS pregnancy so I was sort of anxious throughout about something going wrong. I wish I could fast forward through pregnancy so I wouldn't ahev to be afraid so much.
It's good to know other people have these feelings too. I do know that if we have another child I will not regret it. It might be hard, it might be really hard for a while. But it would eventually get easier and my DS would eventually adjust. I would only regret it if we did not.
Okay, whew! Feeling better just getting it out there. I was feeling so crazy last night!
I also miscarried before my DD (at 8 weeks). I was rolling along blissfully happy and was in total shock when I lost the pregnancy. I thought the miscarriage rates were much lower that they actually are and never expected it to happen to me. I cried for days on end, became desperate to be pregnant again, and was a complete stress case until our 18week ultrasound with DD.
I think TTC again is opening up all the pain of that loss that I never addressed. It makes me feel vulnerable and I hate it.
I used to think I'll never be truly happy if we don't have another, but I've realized I'll never be happy if we don't TRY for another. I know how very lucky I am now and I know it was right to wait until now to TTC #2. I have to remind myself when I feel nuts about all this that as DH says the 2nd is the 'bonus baby' and I am already living my dream- motherhood. My new mantra is "no regrets!"
I feel the exact same way. My DD isn't high needs, but we have such a routine going, and having another will definitely change that. I am in my TWW, and I am anxious. I have this "please just let me be pregnant so I am done with the waiting game" because I know once it is a concrete fact I will be much less anxious about the changes.
Mama to Hadley (2/10) & Sawyer (1/13)
I am a certified doula, a midwifery student, and a mother of 5. Yes, this is completely normal. Even those who have children that are completely healthy go through this when they get pregnant again. Will it affect your other child's life? Of course it will. But it's up to you and your husband to make it a positive impact. Use this event to teach your child that life is about giving and not just receiving. He has had your undivided attention all this time and has not had to share you. Now he will learn that he, too, can love and care for someone more fragile than him. It will be a beautiful thing! Besides, many chldren with "issues" such as his, sometimes find it easier to be happy and find joy in everyday things when they have a sibling to go through life with. Think about when you and your husband get older. It will be nice for him to have a sibling to talk with, or to be there for him if he needs help. It's unlikely that your new baby will have similar problems, but if he/she does, you will find the strength to deal with it just as you did the first time. There are many families out there who have several children with disabilities or illness'. Maybe you can find a support group or a forum online for others in your situation. And, you willl always have enough love for all the children you have. Every mom thinks she can't love another the way she loves this one. But she always does. Just like a person with 5 siblings loves each one of them, sometimes in different ways, but loves them all the same - if that makes any sense.
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