He does not want another, I (kind of) do... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 05-01-2012, 08:25 AM - Thread Starter
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Or I at least want it to be "an option".


Brief background:

He had an unplanned child at 19.  The relationship with the mother (obviously) did not work out.  This child is now 14.

Together, we had an unplanned child when I was 19 (he was 24.)  We were married a few months into the pregnancy and will be celebrating 10 years together next year.  This child is now 8.


I adore him.  I love our life together, I love our child.  He is a fantastic father and husband.  With his support, I was able to complete my college education, and in general, our life is great.


For a long time, I was adamant AGAINST having another child.  We did have an unplanned pregnancy when our child was only a few months old.  That pregnancy was terminated because of the timing.  I don't regret that decision at all.  It was the right one for us.  We talked about a vasectomy but never got around to it.  I'm currently on round two of Mirena, and nearing the end of the 5-year cycle.


Now that I'm done with school and life has calmed down, I feel like something is missing.  The few times I've mentioned this to him, he just says, "Well, I'm done.  I already have two."  I don't mean to "discount" his older child, but when it comes down to it, his older child is NOT my child.  I didn't carry that child, I didn't raise that baby.  That may make me sound horrible, but it's how I feel.  I love his child, but I don't have that "mother" connection to his older child, and when asked by people how many kids I have, I always say "One, and I also have an older step-child."  I never say two.



I've read quite a few of the "I want another, he doesn't" threads... but the ones I've seen have all been with women who already have two biological children and are wanting a third.  I feel like that is an entirely different situation than ours.  Has anyone faced this kind of situation?  I also hate the thought that my one and only child was born when I was a teenager and I'll never get the chance to experience pregnancy and early childhood as a stable "adult".  When I see/hear of people I know having kids in their late 20s/early 30s, it breaks my heart.  They're doing things the "right way", and now it seems I'll never get that chance.


I try to give myself a pep talk, count my blessings, and be happy with my fantastic life... but deep down, I feel like this is a deal-breaker.  And I will always regret and resent not having the option to try.

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#2 of 4 Old 05-04-2012, 05:56 AM
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Oh, I'm so sorry you're faced with this decision. hug.gif Honestly, if this might be a deal-breaker, then it needs to be dealt with head-on. I know you've spoken with your DH before about this, but maybe he didn't grasp just how serious you are about wanting another in your family. Everyone has their own feelings and reasons regarding adding to the family, and it doesn't really matter if you have 1 or 2 biological/step/adopted child(ren), etc.

Personally, I think "doing it right this time" is a very, very valid feeling but maybe not a very good reason to bring another child in the world. Feeling like something is missing, or that your life is ready to make room for someone else; those, in my opinion, may make more of an impact on your DH in helping him see your point of view. Expect to have this conversation more than once, and expect him to need time to really consider his feelings. And if he doesn't come around, maybe seek outside help to work through your feelings and help decide if this is a deal breaker or something you can come to terms with. Good luck!

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#3 of 4 Old 05-04-2012, 06:41 AM
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I've been pregnant 6 times, I have 3 living children, and I'm 25.  I would hardly say that age has anything to do with the "right" time to have a baby.  I think you're grasping at some ideal that doesn't exist.  Very few people have children when it's the "perfect" time.  Than there's the whole seperate issue of aching for another baby, that's legitimate, and has nothing to do with your circumstances.  You could be broke and single and want another baby.  My only advice is to keep talking about it.  Not to make him "give in", but so that he fully grasps how important this is to you..and be sensitive to his perspective as well. 

Christian SAHM & birth doula.
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#4 of 4 Old 05-14-2012, 06:48 PM
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I never felt like my DH had the right to take away my fertility. Some older wiser women in my circle advised me to go behind his back. People here on MDC said he did have the right to take that away from me because it would be his life too. That's a tough one! I do fully understand what you're saying about wanting to experience a pregnancy at this point in your life as opposed to when you weren't as prepared. I've seen 16 and pregnant. Those girls do more struggling then enjoying. Did you breastfeed? I didn't with my first DD and had so much regret once I became older and wiser. I also had a c/s with my first and I needed a natural birth to heal.


It took me FOUR years to talk my DH into trying again. When he finally agreed, I was already a few weeks pregnant but we didn't know yet. It took me another FOUR years to talk him into #3. What did it for number three is I told him he couldn't get the flat screen TV he really wanted unless he gave me what I really wanted.

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