Being done having kids. How do you come to terms? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 05-19-2012, 08:28 PM - Thread Starter
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I know for some it must be simple to feel "done" at a certain point. But I'm wondering if anyone can share about coming to terms with being done even if it happens before you feel ready or for health reasons when in your heart you'd like more.


My story in brief: normal first pg at 33. second pg normal till the end, when I wound up with a stroke caused by a blood clot that, as far as they can tell, was caused by hormonal changes due to pg. Also had a PP hemmorhage the second time. My baby is now 4mo. and I have recovered, but the Dr's are not recommending another pg.  I'll be 37 this year and wouldn't want to get pg again before my baby is 1y, so add age to my risk factors.  So, the rational thing to do would be to decide not to have any more kids and be happy that I have two healthy children.  But my heart is mourning this.  I so wish I was five years younger and had not had pg complications.  Before having my second I wasn't sure I wanted more than two, but right now I am longing for at least one more. Maybe it's just PP hormones, but how do I come to terms with all this?  DH is just as on-the-fence as I am. We both know the best choice would be a vasectomy, but we can't bring ourselves to be that permanent and we even have a boy and a girl name picked for the next time, "just in case". 

photosmile2.gif Me= crunchy mama to one rambunctious toddler, born on October 1, 2009. And one sweet little baby born January 19, 2012. heartbeat.gif

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#2 of 4 Old 05-19-2012, 09:28 PM
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I'm on the four no more plan.  That is what I jokingly tell people when they ask me if I will have more or what not.  It is a way for me to deal with it.  My pg's were all very difficult.  My last one at age 35, they found out I had a hole in my uterus.  Good thing my doc is a Christian and hears from God.  He called me one day and said, how are you feeling?  I said miserable like usual.  He said, I think you need to come in tomorrow at 6:00am and have your c-section.         Good thing too.


I am now 40 and wishing I could have tons of kids.  I would love to keep going like the Duggar family, lol.  But I knew in my heart I had to stop.  The pgs kept getting more severe and the last two I had to have an amigo and the last one I had a handicap parking,  ugggh.


It is hard for sure, but man am I blessed.  My kids are great and even though they and daddy wish I would have more they don't bug me.  I told them I had to be done.  End of story.  But in reality my heart yearns for more.  I actually wanted my doc to tell me I should be done.  But he didn't.  Which made it a harder decision.


We choose to forgo the getting fixed route.  We both felt that it was unhealthy and what if?


So I guess how I deal with it is....I give it to God.  There is nothing I can really do and I am just trying to be content and be the best mama I can be to the ones I have.

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#3 of 4 Old 05-22-2012, 08:59 PM
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I can relate, although for me it isn't exactly health reasons.  I have 3 great kids.  Baby #1 was the only planned pg - after that we kept saying "not sure if we want more" and then the decision was made for us.  After #2 DH and I both agreed if we had #3 we should plan on 4, since we were both from families of 3 where the middle one really struggled.  Well #3 was a big surprise and not at a time when we were ready for more.  Add to that the fact that she was born with a chromosomal abnormality and that during my pregnancy with her I really had some health issues flair up.  Its been 4 1/2 yrs now since she was born and she is doing great.  We weren't sure what her diagnosis would mean for her future but it seems now like it will be just a little blip but not a major thing.  But of course when you have a kid with a syndrome you just never know what the future holds.  I, too, am doing much better now.  I feel like my health has rebounded.  But the effect of the past 5 yrs has been really bad for our finances.  I'm almost 40 and we're in such a bad place financially.  It just feels like that needs to be the focus now.  I had said that I would wait 3 yrs after DD to decide about baby #4.  And then I said "its not the right time.  If it ever feels like the right time we're open to the prospect".  In the past few weeks I'm starting to feel like maybe it really is the right time.  I'm wanting #4 more than I have at any point up til now.  Maybe its because our neighbor is expecting.  But up until now I haven't been sure I even would want another.  Now the past few weeks I do want another, but I don't know how to reconcile that with financial reality.  So anyway, to answer your question, I have't totally reconciled it still.  But like the PP I am leaving it up to God or the Universe to decide (however you want to think of it).  I can't in good conscious actively try to get pregnant right now.  If something changes I'm leaving my options open, but I don't see how things will change.  In the mean time I have a wonderful, full, and happy life that I'm grateful for. 

Laurie Busy mama to Boo (10/02) DeeDa (10/04) and Belly (10/07) TS 45X
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#4 of 4 Old 05-23-2012, 10:14 PM
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I do believe you should leave it in God's hands, I know plenty of women who have had healthy pregancies in there 40's. You really don't seem ready to make that commitment and that's a huge decision to make

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