I am so back and forth everyday trying to decide if we should have a 4th - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 14 Old 09-10-2012, 02:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have 2 beautiful boys age 7 and 4 and a daughter that is almost 2.  I have always thought 4 was the number of children I would have but after my daughter was born I convinced myself that I was done and gave away all my baby stuff hoping that I would be content.  She is going to be 2 in Dec and I have had baby fever since she was 1.  I am still nursing and haven't had a PPAF but my body is gearing up to ovulate every week or so and then doesn't. DH says he will be happy either way if we do or don't have another.  Somedays I really want another and then chaos starts around the house and I feel overwhelmed and thankful we don't have another.  I am homeschooling my oldest who is in 2nd grade this year but I am trying to get him into a charter school out here and my 4 yr old will be going to K next year so if we did have another I would just have my daughter and the baby in the mornings.  I loved having 3 siblings growing up.  I think a big family is so nice.  I just always imagined myself with a big family. I really don't know what the right answer is I go back and forth daily and I just want to feel at peace with my decision.  My mom had 4 children and she is telling me to stop but she is a different person and really valued getting away from us when I was a kid.  I don't feel that way about my kids I love being with them and probably don't spend enough time on my own to refuel.  I asked my midwife when I would know I was done and she said i would feel relief, well I don't.   I think if we stop I will be able to provide more for the ones we have here already. I really don't look forward to that first 3 months of extreme sleep deprivation and the first year of trying to rebalance everything.  I love pregnancy though and usually have fairly easy pregnancies.  Is having another going to make me a more stressed, tired and not as patient mother to the ones I have?  This is seriously the hardest decision I have had to make in a long time and I just want to feel at peace with it. Please help me chew this.  I need to decide since my body is returning to fertility.  Thanks :)


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#2 of 14 Old 09-11-2012, 07:44 PM
 
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I really wish that I had some insight, but I too am looking for advice on this subject! I have a 2 3/4 year old, and I'm really torn up about whether we should have another or not. "baby fever" sums it up- but i also notice siblings everywhere and it makes me feel so wistful. I'm from a big family and love all my siblings so much, and I want my son to have that as well! So what's the problem? I just don't think I'm 100% ready. Our son wasn't planned, which honestly made it easier as we didn't have any of the stress we are feeling now. And I feel even more pressure since he will be three soon, I feel like I have to get on it ASAP so they can be at least somewhat close in age. I almost wish I would get pregnant again in an unplanned manner, but we are being so careful now I just don't see it happening like that. In other words, help! Would love some advice!

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#3 of 14 Old 09-12-2012, 10:59 AM
 
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It's always hard to decide "officially" in all honesty. For us, we are on baby #3 and my guys will be 3 and under for all 3 of them. After this one, I need a break! I have been pregnant/nursing constantly for over 4.5 years! Geesh! 

 

If I still had 1 kid who was 2.5 nearly 3 I would jump on it and get pregnant as soon as I could...I like that my kids are close in age. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I want to run away from home screaming (especially being a hormonal insane person currently) but hey, I also absolutely adore it!

 

My advice: sleep on it then the answer will come when you need it to, usually my supper the next day...


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#4 of 14 Old 09-12-2012, 01:44 PM
 
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Yes, sleeping on it is good advice. I also realized that I am PMSing right now, thus the extra/intense emotions, so I want to wait until my period's over and see how I feel! :) I expect I will still want to, though. There's things we need to do- move (we are in a two bedroom apt, it would be EXTREMELY cramped with four of us! And we have NO idea where we would want to live),  at least look into getting a new-to-us car, and honestly, I wanted to do more traveling before baby #2 (I am obsessed with traveling, planning trips), but perhaps that can just wait... we have brought our son with us all over, so it would just be an added adventure to have two, LOL am I crazy?! Another thing that makes me nervous is that my boyfriend/babydaddy is an awesome provider, but is really sick of his line of work and may be going back to school soon... so there's a lot going on right now. Hard to sort through it all. 

 

Thanks for your input, organicviolin! I used to play, way back in the day... :)

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#5 of 14 Old 09-17-2012, 06:48 PM
 
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very cool! keep us posted!!!


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#6 of 14 Old 10-07-2012, 03:35 PM
 
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From experience, 3 to 4 is not as big a transition as 2 to 3.  Also, as your older children get older and start having some responsibility around the house, it eases some of the burden off you (though it changes as you become supervisor over their tasks, rather than the do-er).  You won't regret the child you do have, you may regret the child you don't have.  :) 


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#7 of 14 Old 10-10-2012, 08:42 AM
 
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Life is funny-- if we wait for all the stoplights on our path to turn green... well we never get out of neutral. 

 

I has my first before I was 20- she is now 8 and my youngest is 7 months old. I was going to get my tubes tied after my first and be done. My second was a surprise pregnancy and he has enriched our lives so much. I considered whether I wanted a big family anymore (I wanted a dozen kids when I was a little girl!) and having a boy and a girl I had to consider if I was satisfied. DH and I are going to have at least 6 :) We are happy with our decision in hope to get pregnant in a few weeks with #3.

 

Everyone is different but I think if you and your husband are in a position where you can have another and you feel the desire you should. We grow and adapt as women. Transitioning to another baby while hard at first, with work and love is easier than we think!

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#8 of 14 Old 12-07-2012, 02:18 PM
 
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Aww Kai, that's so sweet. :) Seriously so happy for you. Big families are awesome!

 

I'm still not pregnant. But, we are "not not trying," in an attempt to take the pressure off. It's weird, though... I can see how I've been avoiding having sex. I think we've done it twice this month, haha.

 

I don't have health insurance currently, so that is something else stressing me out. Meh. I know that things will work out, I just feel as though I'm in a fog right now!
 

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#9 of 14 Old 12-09-2012, 12:45 PM
 
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I think the midwife who spoke of feeling relief was right.  I knew we were done when I could look at a pregnant woman or a newborn and feel relief that I was never going to go through it again, no matter how lovely it is to have a squidge with a snuggly baby or how cute a toddler with a bobble hat and mittens playing in the snow might be.  Before I was 'done', I would look at these simple life stages and feel a yearning that was almost painful.

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#10 of 14 Old 01-23-2013, 05:49 PM
 
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Silverring, thanks so much for your perspective. That seems like a really good barometer to use. I see pregnant ladies/little babies and my ovaries feel a twang of pang due to wanting it, lol. I think mostly fear holds me back, and of course I don't want my decisions to be fear-based, but love-based!

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#11 of 14 Old 02-14-2013, 08:46 AM
 
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I go back and forth on wanting #4 as well. My 3 boys are 6, 4 & 2 and here I am with no baby! I have usually had a baby by now, lol! I am enjoying the pregnancy break so much and am grateful to see the toddler years from a whole new perspective. Some days I think there is no way I want to be pregnant (I am not a graceful preggo, sick, bedrest..) but the idea of being done having babies makes me really sad! This is the first month that I was really sad when AF showed up. My husband goes back amd forth as well.
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#12 of 14 Old 03-03-2013, 04:28 PM
 
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For me, it's number 5.  Even dh, who was adamantly done after 3, seems to be wavering now. We're both getting "old" to have another one, though. Dh just turned 42 and I turned 39 in January. We have 4 boys 11, 7, 4 & 1. I love the age spread with the first 3. Ds4 was an "oops" and closer in age to ds3 than I was used to and it's been harder than I expected. Given my age, if we had another, I'd want it to at least as close in age as ds3 & ds4. Maybe even closer. Which makes me feel guilty because I already feel like ds3 didn't get to be the baby as long as he should have.

 

When they're fighting, I am definitely done. And I am really over diapers and potty training. And then ds4 laughs or does something silly. And I desperately want one more. If we could absolutely guarantee a girl, both dh and I would go for it despite all the drawbacks of having a 5th. We might anyway. AF isn't back yet and I'm determined that ds4 will at least get 18 months of milk, although I'd prefer 2 years, that would make me nearly 42 before another baby could be born.

 

Even my post is confused and wavering. lol

 

Oh, to the poster concerned her kids won't be close if she doesn't have another soon, it is far more to do with personality than age range. My 11 & 7 year old get on great (now, the 7 year old was a bully to the 11 year old for a couple years). The 7 & 4 yr old fight a lot. The older 2 adore the baby but the 4 year old tends to bully him, and the baby's 3rd favourite person in the world is the 11 year old (and dh & I. Sometimes even before dh). Meanwhile, my sister and I were 17 months apart and fought a lot and virtually never speak as adults.
 


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#13 of 14 Old 03-15-2013, 10:40 PM
 
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This question just seems nearly impossible to answer.  I have five, and am so grateful every day that we had our 5th- he is just pure joy.  Our 4th is a real handful, and sometimes I look at him and think, "What were we thinking?"  I'm only half kidding.  

 

I don't know about the barometer of looking at other pregnant women or women with babies, because I totally have that yearning and can't imagine feeling differently.  What if I always feel this way?  I hear that it can happen.  And I'm getting older too.  I'm 37 and my oldest child is going to high school next year...so I'm thinking in the next year or so, or never again.  

 

Sometimes I wish my husband was adamant about no more kids as then I wouldn't have to decide!  But he's just as broody and wishy-washy as I am!  We just love our babies- we love making them, birthing them, and watching their little (or big) personalities develop.  I just think, I'm going to miss out on getting to know and raise a really awesome person if we don't have another baby!  

 

Doesn't help when your own mom says things in front of your family like "Well you can't have another baby."  And your 14 year old looks at you when you mention you miss having a baby and says, "Mom, really?  Six kids?"  My 2 1/2 year old just stopped nursing, I have a plugged duct and just cannot believe that my childbearing years are over...it feels so recent that we were planning our family, what it would be like, and living like hippies in a cabin...and here we are, with big kids in sports and dance and school and life is so busy.  The babies and toddlers just bring such sweetness and silliness to the family; I don't want to be without that. 


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Karan 15, Fiona 12, Bodhi 10, Bjorn 6, Devon 3, and Robin Taylor born January 16th!

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#14 of 14 Old 03-18-2013, 01:10 AM
 
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I go back and forth with this. I'm actually pregnant with #3 and in the beginning of the pregnancy I was all for getting Essure and being DONE! Now that I'm 35 weeks, I'm hesitant that I want this to be the last time I'm pregnant, and while I don't really picture us having more, I remind myself that 5 years ago I was saying that while pregnant with ODD and when pregnant with DS and just a few months before getting pregnant with this baby lol. I'm young(22) but don't want kids out if my twenties, and don't really want a huge age gap, either...but I also know we won't be ready for a 4th for years..I'm the oldest of 7 with my siblings being between 12 and 20 years young than me, I hate it and don't want to have that far of gaps between my kids, which is another facto in us being done or not lol. It's a hard decision, it really is!

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