"Older" moms who are considering or currently TTC - come chat about your concerns - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 09-26-2012, 03:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Here's mine:  I have 3 awesome kids.  When DH and I first were married we said we wanted 2 or 3.  Then when we had 2 we said "if we go for 3 we should plan to have 4".  Well, #3 was a surprise so we never really made that decision.  And when she was born she was diagnosed with a chromosomal abnormality that we had never heard of and brought with it a lot of health concerns.  Also that pregnancy was very difficult on me physically.  It took a long time to get my health back.  I said then that we would table any discussion of #4 until she was 3.  Well, DD turned 3 and it wasn't the right time - finances were and still are difficult, things at home felt chaotic and we didn't see how adding another child would ever let the dust settle, etc, etc. 
 

Well, as Fleetwood Mac says, "Time makes you bolder, children get older and I'm getting older too."

 

The kids are almost 10, 8, and 5 now.  We're long past the diaper stage, and the nursing stage, and the diaper bag stage and the nap stage.  Financially we're looking at college and retirement looming.  I've spent 8 years working less than full capacity which has taken a financial toll.  I'm a mere few months away from 40 and don't have any of the financial security it seems like one "should' have.  Most of our furniture is hand me down from parents and grandparents.  We never have enough money to make the repairs on the house that need to be done.  Most of my clothes are at least 10 years old. 

 

But I'm healthier now.  I'm stronger.  I'm not nearly as overwhelmed.  And I know a lot more about how to keep myself healthy.  DD's heath isn't a major concern anymore - she's doing great and there's no reason to think we have anything major on the horizon there. 

 

My periods are a little funky and I have some hot flashes now and then.  Not sure if I'm in the early perimenapause stage and whether TTC would be nearly as easy this time around as it has always been before.  Not sure how my body would hold up to a pregnancy.  And then there's the idea of trying to raise a child at this age.  What if DH and / or I have health issues in our 40s or 50s as many people do?  Not to mention the issue of having 4 kids - who would take in 4 kids if we couldn't care for them?  1 or 2 is one thing, but 4!!

 

Financially, since that's a big issue, I think we could make it work but I would have to go back to work full time as planned when DD goes to Kindergarten next year.  I just don't feel like I can put that off anymore.  And another issue is time with DH.  We both feel like we've put our relationship on the back burner for the kids and I know that isn't good.  We need to focus more on each other.  Having a very young child makes that very difficult, espcially with they type of parents we've been.  We could change our style - not co-sleep, have more strict bedtimes in your own beds, etc.  But if I'm working full time and not allowing night time cuddles it really feels like I'm short changing this baby.  Is that fair?  I know a lot of moms do it that way and have very happy relationships with their kids.  Its just such a change from the way we've been.  I struggle with whether the fact that I have all these conditions that would need to be different in order to agree to baby #4 means maybe I just shouldn't be going down this path.

 

And then there is the overpopulation of the world issue - to which I have no response.  All I can say is that I want 4.  I don't know why.  I don't think its logical.  How terrible is it that the fact that there isn't going to be enough food and resources to support all the people isn't detering me from wanting another?

 

If I listed out the pros and cons it would be heavily against TTC.  The main thing on the pro side is that I just think I want to do it one more time.  I want my kids to be raised in a big, close-knit, supportive family.  But the reality is that my kids fight all the time.  So maybe its all wishful thinking... 


Laurie Busy mama to Boo (10/02) DeeDa (10/04) and Belly (10/07) TS 45X
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#2 of 14 Old 09-26-2012, 03:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wanted to add that if anyone has dealt with similar concerns I would love to hear your thoughts or how you reconciled them.


Laurie Busy mama to Boo (10/02) DeeDa (10/04) and Belly (10/07) TS 45X
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#3 of 14 Old 09-26-2012, 08:57 PM
 
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LaurieG, I feel your pain mama!

I have two kiddos, 6 and almost 4.  A new career on the horizon, races to race, unschooling to live, however I have this desire to have another.  I'm 34 and would be 35 if/when I have a third.  If I threw down a list of pros and cons it would bottom out on the cons side I believe.  However, if each con were weighted according to importance then it may be smack dab at 50/50.  There is not an hour that goes by that I do a quick assessment as to whether i want to have another or not. 

I always thought I would have three, until I had two.   I didn't savor my second like I would the very last baby because I was in survival mode with a newborn and 22 month old.  I feel like I want a baby, a little one to love, babywear, nurse, and snuggle.  Another little life in the house, another one to watch grow.  But the whole idea of trying to unschool/homeschool these two little ones while taking care of a newborn and myself seems unimaginable.  Not to mention keeping up my running career. 

I'm in the worst state of limbo ever, feel so unsatisfied and undone with life, I need to decide soon because its taking over my thoughts.  I find myself waiting weighing whether or not to do something based on the possiblity of number 3!  Ughhh....feel your pain mama, feel your pain....


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#4 of 14 Old 09-26-2012, 10:31 PM
 
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I'm in a similar place. I have 3 kids, ages 16, 14, & 1, and I'm in the process of miscarrying right now. We have been talking about whether or not to have #4 for a while, but we weren't trying and the pregnancy caught us by surprise. I was initially really worried about reliving the stress of having two little ones, making DS lose his cherished-baby status, and just having FOUR kids!! After the shock wore off, though, I was really happy DS was going to have a sibling close to his age, and I was getting excited about another baby, for all sorts of reasons.

Anyway, now that we are losing this little one, we are back to having to face the choice again. I'm 36, and I don't want to wait too much longer, because of my age, and my DDs' ages- I want them to be around still for a while with their younger sibs and if we wait too long, next thing we know they'll be off to college. But... I don't know if we want to try at all. A quandry, for sure.

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#5 of 14 Old 09-27-2012, 12:58 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LaurieG View Post

Well, as Fleetwood Mac says, "Time makes you bolder, children get older and I'm getting older too."

Yes

 

My periods are a little funky and I have some hot flashes now and then.  Not sure if I'm in the early perimenapause stage and whether TTC would be nearly as easy this time around as it has always been before.  Not sure how my body would hold up to a pregnancy.  And then there's the idea of trying to raise a child at this age.  What if DH and / or I have health issues in our 40s or 50s as many people do?  Not to mention the issue of having 4 kids - who would take in 4 kids if we couldn't care for them?  1 or 2 is one thing, but 4!!

And this

 

Financially, since that's a big issue, I think we could make it work but I would have to go back to work full time as planned when DD goes to Kindergarten next year.  I just don't feel like I can put that off anymore.  And another issue is time with DH.  We both feel like we've put our relationship on the back burner for the kids and I know that isn't good.  We need to focus more on each other.  Having a very young child makes that very difficult, espcially with they type of parents we've been.  We could change our style - not co-sleep, have more strict bedtimes in your own beds, etc.  But if I'm working full time and not allowing night time cuddles it really feels like I'm short changing this baby.  Is that fair?  I know a lot of moms do it that way and have very happy relationships with their kids.  Its just such a change from the way we've been.  I struggle with whether the fact that I have all these conditions that would need to be different in order to agree to baby #4 means maybe I just shouldn't be going down this path.

That too

 

And then there is the overpopulation of the world issue - to which I have no response.  All I can say is that I want 4.  I don't know why.  I don't think its logical.  How terrible is it that the fact that there isn't going to be enough food and resources to support all the people isn't detering me from wanting another?

Yep

 

If I listed out the pros and cons it would be heavily against TTC.  The main thing on the pro side is that I just think I want to do it one more time.  I want my kids to be raised in a big, close-knit, supportive family.  But the reality is that my kids fight all the time.  So maybe its all wishful thinking... 

Mine too!

 

I have all the above concerns so count me in! I have DD 15yrs, DS 12yrs, DD 9yrs, DS 5.5yrs, and DD 18months. I work full time as does my husband. Two of my children have special needs (time consuming to say the least). We are still co-sleeping #5 so we have zero time for each other. I am worried  about all that advanced maternal age can bring (I am 35). My youngest was born when I was 33 and I had a homebirth but I could tell my body wasn't handling it as well as it had before. The pregnancy was ok but the birth was rough! I miscarried twins in March 2012 (unplanned pregnancy) and although I have been on BC pills ever since, I keep thinking when is it going to be a good time to TTC. I feel up against a clock. Part of me wants to hurry up and do it so I don't have kids ranging from college to newborn but part of me thinks I should wait a little while until my youngest is older . . . but with my age- can I afford to wait??? I have had the hot flashes too and my mom went through and was finished with menopause at 42. I want time to myself and time with my husband but I also want another little one.


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#6 of 14 Old 09-27-2012, 02:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sigh...  So nice to meet other mamas in a similar place.  My closest friends (who are the only ones I've admitted this lunacy to) are amused by me and feel no similar angst.  They are done and they are okay with it.  Except for one who is trying to come to peace with being done after 1 because of infertility.  It feels cruel to talk with her about this.   

 

Patti - I can very much relate to that feeling that your body just isn't handling pregnancy and birth as well.  My last pregnancy, which was when I was 34, I just felt off the whole time.  Lots of preterm contractions, an emergency induction, and a really hard time recovering.  Now that we know DD had health issues I wonder how much of that was because of her and how much was my body's stress.  I'm 5 years older now so if my body was stressed then it most certainly will be this time around. 

 

The other big concern that I didn't get around to mentioning the last time was of course the chromosomal risk.  It feels disloyal to admit that having a baby with Down's scares me.  I have a beautiful, smart, perfect little girl who happens to have a chromosomal abnormality so I know first hand that these things are never as aweful in real life as they sound when you imagine it from the outside.  I firmly believe that people with special needs have so much to give to the world.  But I don't want to have to go through that adjustment of expectations again. 

 

I've already given away all my baby stuff thinking that would cure me of this but it hasn't.  Hmm. 


Laurie Busy mama to Boo (10/02) DeeDa (10/04) and Belly (10/07) TS 45X
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#7 of 14 Old 09-27-2012, 02:38 PM
 
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Originally Posted by LaurieG View Post

 

The other big concern that I didn't get around to mentioning the last time was of course the chromosomal risk.  It feels disloyal to admit that having a baby with Down's scares me.  I have a beautiful, smart, perfect little girl who happens to have a chromosomal abnormality so I know first hand that these things are never as aweful in real life as they sound when you imagine it from the outside.  I firmly believe that people with special needs have so much to give to the world.  But I don't want to have to go through that adjustment of expectations again. 

Me too! Me too! Me too! The whole process from grieving to advocating takes an emotional, psychological and physical draining toll on a person. No one wishes anything but the best for their child and it can be so hard coming to terms with disabilities. I look at those stats and charts online a lot, the ones that show the increase in chromosomal risk with maternal age. I totally get it!


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#8 of 14 Old 09-27-2012, 04:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by natalieadw View Post

 

 races to race,

This too.  I have things I would like to do before I get too old beyond mothering.  Like a triathalon someday.... So do I hurry up and try to do some of those things now and then TTC, or put them off for a few more years?

 

BTW, Natalie, I'm a LLL leader in IL as well.  thumb.gif


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#9 of 14 Old 09-27-2012, 04:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Or does the fact that I have these other things that are important to me and have me hesitate to start the baby clock all over mean that I'm really mentally past this and I'm just trying to hold on for some reason?


Laurie Busy mama to Boo (10/02) DeeDa (10/04) and Belly (10/07) TS 45X
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#10 of 14 Old 09-27-2012, 05:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just read this, and it helped me feel better.  Although the overall article is a bit depressing.

 

“A healthy 42-year-old with no medical problems who is in good physical shape and conceives naturally is likely to have just as nice a pregnancy as a woman who is a decade younger,” says Laura Riley, MD, a maternal-fetal-medicine specialist at Massachusetts General Hospital and chairwoman of the communications committee of the Society of Maternal-Fetal Medicine.

 

http://www.health.com/health/article/0,,20411699,00.html


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#11 of 14 Old 09-28-2012, 07:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Here is my thinking today:  I'm thinking that if I decided to go forward with TTC #4 a good time to do that would be next August/ Sept so that I would be on maternity leave during the summer when the kids are out of school anyway.  That still has my age at time of conception only at 40 so hopefully I won't yet be into the danger zone of infertility.  And the other kids won't be terribly far apart in age.  6 years might be a nice age difference when it comes to paying for college.  I talked to DH about it tonight.  His main concern is finances, which I think I can show him will work out, and the feeling that he is giving all he can give already.  I proposed we both work on making our relationship and ourselves a higher priority in the next year and see how we feel when we get close to August.  In the mean time I'm thinking I'll get an annual check up in January and mention the possibility of TTC and ask her to give me a thorough health screening.  If nothing unexpected comes from that and I'm still feeling like baby #4 is important to me and DH agrees (which I think he will if I can convince him to take some time for himself and find ways to recharge) I think we will go forward with it. 

 

BUT, I have a paraguard IUD and I'm wondering how far in advance I should get it removed to decontaminate my uterus of the copper.   Any thoughts on that? 


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#12 of 14 Old 09-29-2012, 05:57 AM
 
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Hi Laurie, No thoughts about the IUD removal. I have never had one. I am on Ortho tricyclen LO. I had my physical September 5th and am going back to my doc Oct. 22 to discuss TTC. I am planning to take my last BC pill on December 8th with the idea of TTC starting in January. If my doc advises otherwise I will start TTC accordingly. My youngest is 18months and oldest is 15yrs. I kind of want the last one to come between the youngest's second and  third birthday. I keep thinking things like 'when I am 54 I would have a 34 yr old and an 18yr old'. I do want to be an empty nester at some point and get back to enjoying time with my husband so I don't want to wait too long.

 

Also I have to keep in mind that it may take longer than I expect to conceive so I have to keep that in mind.
 


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#13 of 14 Old 09-29-2012, 05:09 PM
 
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I'm not quite in the same boat as some of you ladies, but I'm sure I'll be there in a couple years. I just wanted to chime in about the overpopulation concern. Overpopulation is actually a myth, so I wouldn't let that weigh on your hearts when trying to decide whether to TTC of not.
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#14 of 14 Old 09-29-2012, 06:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi Laurie, No thoughts about the IUD removal. I have never had one. I am on Ortho tricyclen LO. I had my physical September 5th and am going back to my doc Oct. 22 to discuss TTC. I am planning to take my last BC pill on December 8th with the idea of TTC starting in January. If my doc advises otherwise I will start TTC accordingly. My youngest is 18months and oldest is 15yrs. I kind of want the last one to come between the youngest's second and  third birthday. I keep thinking things like 'when I am 54 I would have a 34 yr old and an 18yr old'. I do want to be an empty nester at some point and get back to enjoying time with my husband so I don't want to wait too long.

 

Also I have to keep in mind that it may take longer than I expect to conceive so I have to keep that in mind.
 

Good point.  I have to keep reminding myself that things will likely be different this time.  I've actually never TTC before.  DS1 was conceived the first month we stopped trying not to and DS2 and DD were both surprise babies.

 

Good luck with your plans!  thumb.gif


Laurie Busy mama to Boo (10/02) DeeDa (10/04) and Belly (10/07) TS 45X
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