ugh, i want another but dh doesn't - Mothering Forums

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Old 04-23-2004, 04:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i really want to ttc when dd's a little older. but after a lot of not-so-joking joking about having more, dh has always made it very clear he's not sure. then the other night, i decided to just let it be known how serious i am and he let me know that he was pretty serious, too.

i am so afraid that this will become a problem. we never really talked about family size too much...sometimes before dd we'd say that 2 would be nice, and i sort of assumed this would be the case. i am feeling so sad about this! we are such a happy couple, and good parents, and i just feel like it would be so wonderful to have more children! i am in such disbelief that he feels this way.

i don't know where i'm going with this....i just wanted to talk.
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Old 04-29-2004, 03:11 AM
 
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This is a very, very tough issue! I was reading a thread on FYT about people who don't believe in controlling conception at all (for religious reasons), and I was intrigued. While I don't share their religious beliefs, I can see the point .. .how many kids to have and when to have them can lead to a lot of sorrow and resentment when a couple disagrees. If the decision is left to a Higher Power, then it's rather freeing.

Anyway, you don't say how old your daughter is. Is she very young or going through a rough period? If so, maybe your DH is overwhelmed, and can't imagine having another. Perhaps you can ask him what his concerns are. I wouldn't try to reassure him yet, as you want to really understand where he's coming from.

If, in time, this issue is still unresolved, it might be worth visiting a counselor about. Better to resolve it now than when it's too late to change anything!

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Old 04-29-2004, 06:45 AM
 
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This is me except he's happy with just 1. I want her to have siblings, at least A sibling. I don't want to ttc yet, but I hate having this hang over our heads.

I ASSumed that when in our early days we discussed having kids, the plural was evident. We got pregnant unexpectedly, and so didn't discuss what our family would look like before embarking. I'd like 3 or 4, and two is a compromise I am willing to make. I don't know what I'll do if he is set on it.
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Old 04-29-2004, 08:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by azyre
This is me except he's happy with just 1. I want her to have siblings, at least A sibling. I don't want to ttc yet, but I hate having this hang over our heads.

I ASSumed that when in our early days we discussed having kids, the plural was evident. We got pregnant unexpectedly, and so didn't discuss what our family would look like before embarking. I'd like 3 or 4, and two is a compromise I am willing to make. I don't know what I'll do if he is set on it.
this is exactly us!

it's so funny how things work, though, it's been on my mind forever, and finally today he proclaimed he wants another one! the question is though, when. this will take us forever to figure out! i really think that after he just thought about it a while instead of me asking why not, then he decided it was a good idea. guess i'll just be going for 2 now, not 3 or 4
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Old 04-29-2004, 08:40 PM
 
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Oh congrats mamasarah! I live in hope a similar thing will happen with us.

I'm off to a vbac info session tonight LOL. I haven't told him yet, which feels really weasel-y. I guess because his reaction to me doing something concrete about number 2 will indicate his seriousness. I want to go to the vbac meeting on a good note. Anyway, I will tell have to tell him, I don't usually go party on a Friday night with (or without) my daughter in tow, so my abscence will be noticed

So many people have said to "oops" him and I do joke about it, although I'd never do it - I think it is a gross invasion of his rights and having been in that situation myself (oops'd myself) I know how it feels. And selfishly, I want to knowingly TTC!! Both of us That'll be my only chance in life to have sex without trying NOT to get pregnant!

Oh well. I wish I could find data on how warped onlies are to convince him, but unfortunately I think they are well adjusted nice kids bwahahaha!!
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Old 04-30-2004, 12:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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azyre, see i am an only child myself and that has always backed up my argument with dh. i really was lonely,although i ended up really tuning in to my creativity b/c i was alone a lot!

don't worry, though, your child will be fine either way! i hope i am not making this worse!

i always check out vbac stuff too...now i feel like it's ok that i can be open about it!
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Old 05-01-2004, 11:22 PM
 
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azyre, since you're DD is only JUST one, I think there is definite hope for another, but maybe not right away . . .however, I think it's wise of you to go to the VBAC session, as you're opinion is just as important as his, and this will help him take you very seriously. If he's anything like my DH, he may think that not talking about it means the issue will go away . . .and in this case, he'd be right unless a real "oops" happened.

Personally, I know that I was not ready to think much about #2 when my DD was a year old, and I'm finally ready now, but only because it would mean DD will be at least three years old when the baby i(not yet conceived) is born. Your DH might just not be "there" yet, either.

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Old 05-02-2004, 12:49 AM
 
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I totaly know how hard this is. It has been a point of conflict in our marraige well, since we were engaged. I was floored when he wanted to stop at one though. On the up side we diud end up with three. he is very serious about not wanting anymore and while it breaks my heart I am making peace with it. I figured if it is Gods will for me to have more those little fellows can even get through a vas. Definitely keep the lines of communication open and let him know just how important this is to you. I impressed upon my dh how unhappy I owuld be forever if we diodn't have more and he finally go it but there is a pretty big gap between 1 and 2. #3 kinda snuck up on him because, I don't know, after 14 ovulaiton free months I guess he didn't belive that I could actually be fertile again. But now he is very serious about preventing another pregnancy.

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Old 05-03-2004, 03:44 AM
 
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Elana, I don't want to ttc yet, just want an agreement to ttc next year when she is 2 There is only 1 vbac meeting a year, so I went now, because I want to get "organised" for my next pregnancy and birth, so all the head stuff is out of the way before hand. If I fell pregnant now unexpectedly, it'd be great, but a bit of a dissapointment too - I want to save for a homebirth, and be fitter. I want the next pregnancy and birth to be a much nicer experience.

He reacted ok to me going, and I think we got to the root of his concern, which is money. Which is great, because I can do something about that. I may not agree with him 100% about what constitutes "enough" money, but I can see plenty of places where we can cut corners, plus I am starting a job soon (where I can bring my DD along) so that should help a lot. I think we see some things differently and I can't change it - he is stressed by there just being enough to pay bills and sometimes juggling them, but forgets we pay extra on our mortgage every week - and it is better to juggle bills AND save, but he forgets we are saving as well. I reckon if I can cut back a bit so we don't juggle he'll feel a lot better, so I'm going to do that.
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Old 05-03-2004, 02:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i think a lot of the time it is a financial issue...especially if your partner is the one working, there is a lot of pressure on them. i feel like that was part of dh's issue with not wanting another child.
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Old 05-03-2004, 02:41 PM
 
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I'm in the same boat. DH and I said we wanted two. Well, now that I've had two I want another. DH absolutely says no. It makes me sad to think I'll never have another baby. I'd like to just give DH some time but he's talking vas.
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Old 05-12-2004, 09:54 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kleine Hexe
I'm in the same boat. DH and I said we wanted two. Well, now that I've had two I want another. DH absolutely says no. It makes me sad to think I'll never have another baby. I'd like to just give DH some time but he's talking vas.
my dh is pretty serious abt a vas too. He didnt want even ONE!!! I have a child from a previous marriage and he said she was enuf (we've been together since she was 1.5). But I talked him into one, and he's happy we have Connor. But I want another . Fortunately my DH is one of those guys that can't do anything w/out a lot of prompting and I'm dragging my feet on setting a new appt for a vas - prev doc flaked out a lot, rescheduling appt so much we said "forget it." Good luck! I bet he'll come around...I hope.
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Old 05-13-2004, 04:45 PM
 
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hello there! I'm in the same boat... I haven't totally laid it on the line, but I can tell dh doesn't want to talk about any more right now. Of course, we're in the throes of adding onto our tiny house and he's under a lot of pressure. I'm not ready to ttc just yet (and still no AF at 12mo pp) but I think I will be ready to ttc around our anniversary (October) this fall so I'm hoping by then he'll be willing to talk about.

I always said I wanted four and he says two... I think three would be a nice compromise. Not to mention my dh is older than I am and will be 42 this summer so we need to have our kids sooner rather than later.

Good luck! My mom jokes that my dad will be giving dh a box of condoms with holes poked in them for Father's Day!
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Old 05-22-2004, 07:49 PM
 
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mamasarah, I can empathize so well with your grief that DH wanted to stop at one. Yet his shift of opinion happened so quickly.

My DH has stuck to "no more" since the day our son was born. I haven't given up but windows may be open only a crack around here. I was a month shy of 42 when #1 was born and he just turned three. But he (DH that is) hasn't made an appointment to get snipped. Our relationship has been really rocky which doesn't make it easier. I don't want to concieve when the relationship is difficult. I'm totally with azyre when she says she wants both of them consciously TTC. I hope we get there.

Ann
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Old 05-31-2004, 04:56 AM
 
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My hubby's response to 'I want another baby' was (while feeling my forehead) ' are you feverish....do I need to get you to a doctor....or are you just CRAZY!!!!'

I promised myself I would NEVER slip one in on him because I saw how it destroyed my aunt and uncles relationship (she oops'ed him). Every couple weeks or so I would mention to dh how I would love to have just ONE more baby (I did fail to mention that a large contributing factor was because I wanted to try all those WAHM newborn diapers). He continued with the crazy comments but it got him thinking about it.....went from an absolutely not to a not right now....then on my birthday he suprised me with a 'let's go for it' (I think he really just forgot it was my birthday and didn't get me a present). It took about a year of me just mentioning it....not really discussing at length or giving lectures on it....just casually bringing it up here and there.

Some guys will change their mind and it's even better if you can somehow get them to think it was their idea in the first place.
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Old 05-31-2004, 03:15 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmy3boyz
My hubby's response to 'I want another baby' was (while feeling my forehead) ' are you feverish....do I need to get you to a doctor....or are you just CRAZY!!!!'

I promised myself I would NEVER slip one in on him because I saw how it destroyed my aunt and uncles relationship (she oops'ed him). Every couple weeks or so I would mention to dh how I would love to have just ONE more baby (I did fail to mention that a large contributing factor was because I wanted to try all those WAHM newborn diapers). He continued with the crazy comments but it got him thinking about it.....went from an absolutely not to a not right now....then on my birthday he suprised me with a 'let's go for it' (I think he really just forgot it was my birthday and didn't get me a present). It took about a year of me just mentioning it....not really discussing at length or giving lectures on it....just casually bringing it up here and there.

Some guys will change their mind and it's even better if you can somehow get them to think it was their idea in the first place.
That's what I've been doing... just bringing it up occassionally or saying things like "...with 2 or 3 kids...". I think maybe in the next year or so he will come around, I sure hope anyway!

I'm not ready to ttc yet anyway, just had first pp AF. Maybe in about six months I'll be ready!
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Old 06-13-2004, 11:41 PM
 
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I just wanted to offer you some sympathy. Or maybe empathy would be the right word. I know exactly how you feel, right down to the VBAC. We have one DS, also born in April last year. And we'd always said we'd have two. Well, after the first week, and a few sleepless nights, DH decided he "wasn't really a baby person", and that we should only have one. We'd always said two. I still want two. He hasn't changed his mind, hasn't even shown any signs of maybe starting to think about two. Every time I mention it, he says "I know you want another", and that's it. I keep thinking as DS gets older, DH will see how much fun he is--and he really is fun!--and soften towards the idea of having two. I'm not sure what I'll do if he doesn't change his mind. I'm willing to wait a few years, I don't feel that we need to have them close together, but I just worry so much that he won't ever want two. And there's now way I could "oops" him (not unless it really was an oops!). So, I wish you luck, and I know exactly what you are going through.

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