Talk to me about having 4+ years between kids, and conceiving after 35. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 08-12-2013, 04:33 PM - Thread Starter
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My DH is having some health issues, which is affecting our decision to TTC a second child. We're going to have to wait a while longer than I had planned, which is fine, but I just turned 34, and our DS is 3. Even if I got pregnant now, our children would have 4 years between them, and I would be almost 35 when delivering. I had hoped we would be TTC this fall, but that doesn't seem likely. For those of you who have a space of 4 years or more between kids, how is it? Do they still have a good relationship? Also, if you conceived your second child after 35, was it a difficult pregnancy? I know you can't really predict these things, just looking for some encouragement that it will be ok if we are forced to wait smile.gif

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#2 of 8 Old 08-12-2013, 05:38 PM
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There is really nothing magic that happens at thirty-five that makes conception or pregnancy difficult. It is really an arbitrary number that docs came up with. Your fertility and pregnancy has so much more to do with your specific body than anything else. Just take good care of yourself and things should be fine. There is really no surefire way to predict how it will be for you.

I was four years younger than my sister. There were pluses and minuses, which I think you get regardless of spacing. I think one of the big pluses would be that you get to have more focused attention on your infant since your older one will be more independent. I think that's a good thing!

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#3 of 8 Old 08-14-2013, 05:12 AM - Thread Starter
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I know it's just a still messes with my head a little, though. I do like the prospect of not having 2 kids in college at the same time!

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#4 of 8 Old 08-14-2013, 05:30 AM
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We have actually just done this.  We had two boys who were 8 and 5 and I was 36 and we decided to go for number three.  Our second son was so busy and big we decided to wait that long X-).  The older two boys are absolutely thrilled and are both big helps with the baby, though they were disappointed that he wasn't a sister.  One big difference I noted in the pregnancy is that I was more tired than I had been with the other two, and it was harder to get everything done with two busy boys and homeschooling.  One big thing that has helped is that my dh has been a ton of support, he does the lion's share of the housework and helps me with the baby a bit during the day (he telecommutes, very handy).  The baby is 6 weeks old and we're working on getting into a good routine and hopefully will have everything worked out by the time I have to start school back up again in the fall (fingers crossed)


So, long and rambly post aside, it is definitely possible.  Both myself and my dh came from families where there was at least six years between some of the kids.  His family is closer than mine but they're Irish :)  Good luck with whatever you decide to do and HTH.

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#5 of 8 Old 08-28-2013, 12:51 PM
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I don't know if you're still looking for experiences with spacing, but thought I'd tell you about our experience. I was a single mama to my daughter until she was three, at which point I met my sweetheart. I got pregnant right after she turned four, and it was amazing. I would love that spacing between all my kids, but I want the chance to have 5+ so I don't think we'll be waiting that long. However, my daughter was so involved in my pregnancy, it was wonderful. She was helpful and understanding - one morning I was throwing up and she came in and rubbed my back saying "Shhh, shh, you're okay." She was there at the birth, which was so amazing. She didn't have regression issues like I know younger kids can, and she always brought me water, or my book, or helped with the baby when I needed a moment. She was old enough I could put on a movie for her and nap with the baby. She was able to get snacks for herself. Really, I can't say enough about how great it was. He's two now and they play together a lot. She pushes him on the swing, takes him outside, lets me know when he's climbing something :) She never hit or was violent with him, either, and I really appreciated that. We're thinking about TTC soon and I'm really conflicted about the idea of not being able to give the new baby as much as I was able to give both my first kids, since DS will be about three when a new baby would be due and will still need a lot more from me. I also worry because he won't be able to understand pregnancy the same way my daughter did as a 4 year old.


If you have any questions let me know! I really love this age difference. We're homeschooling, so she's still around all day with him. My sister and I were 5 years apart and we played together a lot. It was nice during school because we didn't compete or share friends. We don't have a very good relationship right now because she is suffering from some untreated mental illness, but I have hope that someday we will again. 

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#6 of 8 Old 09-23-2013, 08:50 AM
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I had 2 boys who were 10 and 7 when our third baby was born.  She wasn't exactly planned but is very much loved.  I was 36 when she was born.  It was by far my easiest pregnancy (no morning sickness) and easiest birth (precipitous 45 minutes from start of labour to baby in my arms).


The older boys just adore her and have been a great help with her as well.  She loves her older brothers.  She also transitioned easiest to daycare (at 12 months) and I wonder if that had to do with the fact she was used to more people taking care of her compared to when the boys were little.


We were also in a better financial situation this time around, so that has made things a bit easier.

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#7 of 8 Old 11-26-2013, 08:39 AM
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I gave birth in September 2013 to our second baby at age 35 (I turned 36 in October). Our son will be 5 in January, so they are 4 years and 9 months apart.  We TTC for a long time, and were worried about the age difference (we started TTC in June of 2011 hoping for a smaller age difference). 

Turns out it's been great. DS is a great helper and very independent (mostly) in terms of toilet, dressing, etc.  He understands about waiting sometimes, and is also great at acclimating to sharing our attention. I think there's pros/cons to small spacing and big spacing, and whatever happens, your family will sort it out in the way that suits you best. 


Pregnancy-wise, I had lots of nausea in first tri this time whereas I didn't the first pregnancy (might just be that one is a boy, one a girl).  Other than that, pregnancy was the same for me, feeling pretty darn good and staying active throughout. I was pregnant almost a month longer this time (DS was born week 36), so felt really heavy toward the end. Labor was about half as long this time, and pushing for 20 minutes instead of 2 hours, second home birth.  All good things! 

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#8 of 8 Old 11-26-2013, 10:55 AM
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We had our 3rd baby this summer, and his sisters were almost 14 and almost 9 when he was born.  We had a long 6 years of deciding on whether or not to have a 3rd child and we are sooo happy to have decided YES, in spite of all the reasons not to.  The age span was a big concern of ours.  I talked a lot with people who were far apart in age from their siblings and I talked with moms who spread their kiddos apart.  I never heard a negative story.

I have to say that it's been so incredibly sweet.  My oldest couldn't hold or carry her baby sister when she was 5, but now she is a very happy teenage big sister . . . none of the resentment we feared.  Our middle one is so much better off NOT being the youngest . . . it was too much focus on her.  And, she's big enough to hold/carry/dress her baby brother and thoroughly enjoys playing with him.


Our older kiddos are 5 years apart.  They have very different personalities and I doubt they would normally choose to be friends if they were the same age but not related.  Even with the personality differences and the age span, these girls are very sweet sisters to one another.  My oldest came home a few weeks ago and commented that she just realized that most of her friends don't get along with their younger siblings and that she was glad she had a good relationship with her sister.


I was a couple months shy of my 38th birthday with this last baby and it was the easiest pregnancy and birth.  (4.5 hours from 1st contraction to holding baby)  More importantly, it was the shortest recovery time.  There was a lot I did differently:  I was in much better health in regards to strength and cardiovascular fitness going into this pregnancy.  I ate well, with lots of protein before conceiving.  I got acupuncture support for my tendency towards a prolapsed uterus.  I worked through my frustration at not being able to do as much while pregnant and took it as easy as I could . . . including not even carrying full laundry baskets or lifting pasta pots full of water from sink to stove for the last 2 months of pregnancy.  I did the full 5 days IN bed, 5 days ON bed and 5 days AROUND the bed after baby was born.  It was very hard to make myself rest that much, but my recovery was so incredibly fast and I believe it's because I took that time to really rest and let others care for house and the other children when needed.


I don't think age is that much of a determining factor if you are healthy, have good support and are happy!

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