Husband expects everything to be "perfect" - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 09-22-2013, 07:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sure I'm not the only one here who has been ready for a baby before their husband was, so it will be nice to get some input.

 

I'm 28 years old.  I'm graduating in December with my second degree (so I am DONE with school), I have a great job, we're about to sell our house and buy a bigger one, and my husband just got a job that he actually loves.  For a woman who has wanted a baby now for a LONG time, this would all look like the ideal time to start trying.  But...

 

My husband already has a 9 year old son.  He's only with us on the weekends.  Because of this, my husband seems to taunt himself as the expert in the house in terms of what it takes to raise a baby.  Whenever I talk about starting to try for a baby, he has to point out one more thing that ISN'T perfect yet, and that keeps him from thinking it's the "right" time.  First it was that I was in school.  Then it was that his job didn't pay well (that has now changed).  Now that I'm about to graduate and we'll soon be in a bigger home, he's hung up on the fact that we'll have to pay for childcare (which is costly, yes, but won't put us in the poor house).

 

Everyone else I've talked to about having kids has stressed that it will never feel like the "perfect" time and you'll never feel 100% ready.  I feel like my husband has this vision of an ideal, completely perfect time to expand our family that is honestly never going to be attainable.  Yet, I don't want to push something on him that he's not ready for.  What's the best thing to do in my situation?  At what point do you say, "It's never going to be PERFECT, and I don't want to wait anymore"?

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#2 of 8 Old 09-22-2013, 03:24 PM
 
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My husband was kind of like this too, thinking everything could be perfect, even knowing it couldn't.  But we talked about what we felt we needed to do, and had a definite time frame for when trying to conceive would happen.  We met when he was 33 and I was 28, and got married a year later.  He said it was good I was still young, because we could afford to wait a couple years.  He and his first wife were going to have kids, but she was the same age that he was, so she would have already been almost 34 with her first. 

 

He wanted to have at least a year of being married before TTC, and then it turned out we moved a year later, rented a house and then we were going to buy a house.  So he wanted to have all of that settled first.  Plus we needed genetic testing since he had a brother with cystic fibrosis.  So right before we moved into our new house, we got the genetic testing, I got a physical, then we started TTC and I got pregnant the first month.  At that point I was 31, and 32 when I gave birth.

 

Then we had to renegotiate all of the timing again with the second child.  I would say talk to him about specific concerns and ask when he sees these not being a problem, and see if he can come up with some  Since you are already 28, you are in your prime years for having a child, and that should be taken into consideration too when planning the ideal time to have a child. :)  

I have a friend who wanted to have a baby, but her husband kept putting her off, trying to get everything "perfect" and she actually complied with the requests, giving up smoking and all that.  But then he said he felt like they were too old as they were nearing 40, and basically said he didn't want to have a child.  So I think it's important to know if he really never wants to have a child and is just trying to put you off, or if he just thinks there will always be time and he just doesn't want to do it now.  My husband was all, "things are so nice now, having a baby will change all of that" so he just wanted to push it off as long as he could.

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#3 of 8 Old 09-22-2013, 04:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the reply.  My husband and I have been together for five years (married for over a year now) and we have talked at length over the years about having children, so I think it really is a matter of him being overly idealistic.  I'm uncomfortable waiting too much longer because the older you get, the lower your chances are of conceiving, and I don't want to run into trouble conceiving down the road simply because I waited for my husband to feel like it was the "perfect" time.  Ugh.

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#4 of 8 Old 09-22-2013, 05:32 PM
 
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I think now is a great time to have the "there is never going to be a perfect time" conversation :-) I think it is one thing to have things you want to achieve or finish before you have children (I would want to finish a course of study, for example) but if it becomes a pattern of one thing after another then you need to delve into why that might be.

It's probably also worth exploring the paying for childcare issue. Is he worried about the money or would he prefer that you don't use childcare as a lifestyle choice? That is a good conversation to have before you have children. If you don't want to use childcare is one of you going to stop working? Both work part-time? Alternate shifts?

Good luck :-)

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#5 of 8 Old 09-22-2013, 05:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by katelove View Post

It's probably also worth exploring the paying for childcare issue. Is he worried about the money or would he prefer that you don't use childcare as a lifestyle choice? That is a good conversation to have before you have children. If you don't want to use childcare is one of you going to stop working? Both work part-time? Alternate shifts?
 

 

The concern he expressed the other night was money, not an opposition to childcare itself.  This is what got us started on the whole childcare conversation recently--he seems to think we'll have to have separate shifts, which isn't a possibility in our current careers.  But I use a spreadsheet for budgeting purposes and even after we factor in a bit of an increase in mortgage, on my income alone I still believe we would be fine utilizing childcare five days a week (done my research!  lol). 

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#6 of 8 Old 09-22-2013, 07:26 PM
 
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I would definitely have the "there is no perfect time" conversation. Also ask him to delineate what he wants to have in place before having a baby, and what he plans to do in pursuit of that stuff (if childcare is expensive, what's his alternative?). I'd also ask him to pinpoint a time when he'd feel comfortable trying. If he says he would be willing to start in 6 months, say, then that also gives both of you 6 months to be mentally prepared. My husband and I did this when we were constantly wrangling about ttc back when I was in school. He picked a month he would be okay with trying, and then we were able to plan in that direction. 

 

Also, since you are graduating in December and starting your job, personally I would think about waiting a few months so that if it happens fast the first-trimester yuckies don't hit you while you're trying to finish up your degree or start a new job. But otoh, if your DH gets on board tomorrow and you do conceive right away, you'll deal... somehow. 

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#7 of 8 Old 10-02-2013, 10:23 PM
 
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I would also start bringing up age and fertility declining, timing is of the essence. 


DD Seraphina born at home on 2/21/2012! 

"Childbirth is more admirable than conquest, more amazing than self-defense, and as courageous as either one."
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#8 of 8 Old 10-08-2013, 08:19 AM
 
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Also be prepared for not wanting to go back to work for a few years. You might find you want to stay home with your baby. Run the numbers on his income alone.
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