Help! So confused about another baby! Anyone else? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 06-22-2005, 02:35 PM - Thread Starter
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Hi All--

This is going to sound insane but I am REALLY confused about my feelings on more kids. We have one daughter who turned 2 in March. She is the magical little fairy light in our lives and without her we would definitely feel incomplete. We talk about what to do next all the time and I've noticed that my feelings tend to change as my cycle progresses, I'll explain in a second.

To give a little background I always knew I wanted children, even as a child. I've also always been very interested in the idea of adoption, even back when I was single I've always believed a baby is your baby no matter where she comes from. My husband never thought about kids at all until a couple of years into our marriage. I think this is due to his dyfunctional upbringing and abusive mother. I am an only child and I think that being an only can be great.

So here is the cyclical confusion. Right after my period has ended I start rationalizing why just having DD is better, mostly it's about money. We can afford the best of everything, including college for one but two would be more of a struggle. Actually these are DH's rationalizations but I go along with them during the week post period. Then the next two weeks I really think about getting pregnant again and we have lots of sex. Then I get my period, feel a little let down and start thinking of adoption 24-7. We have an application for a Chinese adoption that sits on the desk staring at us.

So what do think? Am I nuts? Has anyone else felt this way? I really need some support here. Thanks in advance. Also as a side note DD has a serious "love" for Asian girls, she always wants to be friends and is very attracted to them, not so with boys or girls who are not Asian (we're caucasian). I always wonder if it's a messege. Am I reading too much into that?

Stayin' home with Jane the Wonder Toddler and loving Greg
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#2 of 4 Old 06-22-2005, 04:09 PM
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Sounds like you have two things going on -- the totally normal hormonal-emotional changes we go through each month (they've even shown that women dress more provocatively or scantily while ovulating-- hormones are definitly in play) And then there's the more intellectual, money matters, discuss with husband aspect of deciding on a second. Neither set of motivators is better or more correct than the other, but it might be easier to acknowledge the different sources as they come in conflict.

There's no right way to decide to expand your family or not. There's no right answer except for the answer that your family makes that is right for you. And even that right answer will not come without stumbles or upsets.

I was adamant about waiting until suddenly, I was ready. I'm sure hormones were involved as I had just regained fertility when we started trying again. Adoption is an excellent option but not inexpensive itself but then raising a child need not be overly expensive. I don't know. Maybe if you and your husband decide first if you are interested in a larger family and then look at each of the obstacles and see if it is really an issue that would prevent a larger family or not.
best wishes
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#3 of 4 Old 06-22-2005, 05:40 PM
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I only wanted one before we concieved, now we have our one little perfect angel, and I am content. I have no desire to have another, yes, money being one of the reasons, but that is far, far down on the list. We are perfect with one, we have a wonderful family dynamic, I think we are perfectly complete.
Now, my dh wants another, so here is where it gets tricky, but that's another issue entirely. He, nor his parents, family, some of my family, etc.....can believe that I do not want another. To them it's absurd! You'll change your mind, he'll be so lonley, how selfish of me....I've heard them all.
My dh and I have talked about it plenty, and my answer never changes-I do not want to have anymore children....but, if we ever had the money to do it, I would adopt a child in a heartbeat. This doesn't make any sense to anyone around me either....It's the whole, I do not understand why bringing another child into the world, when there are so many that need proper homes already situation, for me. Unfortuantely, my dh doesn't feel this way, and claims he would never adopt a child. :
So anyway, to answer your question, imo-no, I don't think that's crazy at all, and yes, I have felt this way. I think you're feeling this way for a reason, kwim?
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#4 of 4 Old 06-22-2005, 05:51 PM
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No, you're not nuts. I do this too. During that 2ww, I am hoping and then my period comes and I am disappointed. Then I think that it's probably for the best. I drive myself crazy. I just found out a friend of mine is pregnant and I realized I felt jealous! But then other days I look at dd and think, if I never have another one I'm content with just her.

I think a lot of my ambivalence though has to do with my lack of confidence. I'm worried I'm not always doing the best I can for dd and I only have her. How will it be with 2?

I think the idea of adopting is an excellent choice. Go for it!

Loon , dh , dd , and twins ds1 dd2 **Thoughts become things. - Mike Dooley**
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