When you are "done", how to move on? - Mothering Forums
Family Planning > When you are "done", how to move on?
Aiti's Avatar Aiti 06:39 PM 06-24-2005
I think I'm finally coming around to my DH's point of view and I believe our family may be complete.
However, the idea of never having another pregnancy, birth, or sweet delicious newborn... it's very sad.

Anyone been there? How do you go about developing the readiness to move on to the next stage of life? Thanks.

findingMYway's Avatar findingMYway 06:43 PM 06-24-2005
I have a few more than you so my stance may have been easier to come by. I knew when I was not able to give the same attention, patience and other parenting issues I had resolved to. For example, the last two babies I had I didn't seem to have as much patience with. And quit cloth diapering even though it was something I really wanted to do. I really realize if I had another that it wouldn't be fair to my other kids because I am spread really thin already. This will vary according to personalities and family support system per person. In my case I have no local real help and am home half the time alone with all of my children. I used to feel sad about it but I think it just takes time once you have made up your mind to adjust to the reality of your youngest being your last. Time really does help.
HugClub's Avatar HugClub 04:20 PM 06-28-2005
I'm in exactly the same place. Though most of my kiddos are much older then yours. My oldest is 11 1/2 and I also have 9 1/2, 6 1/2, 2 1/2. My dh had been saying we were 'done' since the birth of dd #1 (11 yo! ha) While never thought I'd be where I'm at now I have to agree with the post of above about patience and time with older kids now entering other phases in their lives. While I love the pregnancy, birth, baby parts there has come a time for me to also enjoy PTO, room mothering, field trip chaperoning (which you can't do with tag-a-longs), becoming a girl scout leader, spending time with other grown ups (sans kids or with em) I love the idea of quiverfull and if my dh was on the same page probably would have had babies as long as they appeared. But being 42 and having 4 already I'm about done. For the longest time I only said it but never meant it. Now I'm freecycling all my baby gear and maternity clothes. Just posted my first lot in the last 2 weeks.
Now, if I were to suddenly find myself pregnant again would I think it was the worse thing in the world? Not at all! I would welcome the precious gift that was meant to be. I'm just not spending my entire cycle thinking about it now.
tyedyedeyes's Avatar tyedyedeyes 04:21 PM 07-03-2005
Yeah, I know where you are coming from. I just had the third, and the (apparently) last big talk with DH yesterday afternoon. I had told him I wanted just one more child a couple of times, and he said no, but I thought if I could just have a conversation with him just the two of us, that I could give my supporting arguments and somehow we could work this out. But no. No more kids for me. And I'm devastated. I don't know how to really deal with this. The only thing I have come to plan out is to just completely devote myself (as if I haven't been already) to my only DS. Also, I have a couple of friends that have little babes, and I guess I can live vicariously through them. But there were many things that I couldn't do with DS that I wanted to do...and now I will never get the chance. So, I have no real advice, other than keep yourself busy..that's what I am going to have to do. It super sucks, but I can't justify doing what my mom did (and she actually told me this!) by "accidentally" missing her pills (which i'd have to get my IUD taken out) and whoops, she's pregnant. Even after my father told her no. I respect my husband too much to do that. After all, it's not about me.

It's almost like you're grieving a loss of a baby that you never had...I'm sorry that you're going through this. Because I know first hand just how crappy it is.
Aiti's Avatar Aiti 05:33 PM 07-03-2005
tyedyedeyes, I know how you're feeling.
Thank you everyone for your responses!
Beth-TX's Avatar Beth-TX 08:07 PM 07-10-2005
Just remember that no matter how many kids you have, there will always be a "last" baby. It will be a little sad, but you have so much to look forward to as your kids grow up.

peace, Beth
mommy65's Avatar mommy65 12:46 PM 07-15-2005
I'm right there with you. We have a two year old and a newborn and I think this might be all I can handle. A good friend just got pregnant with her first and it brought back all those wonderful memories of finding out, the excitement and thrill of creating a life. I think it's time for me to create in other ways, however, and to give some more time to my marriage so that we stay strong for ourselves and our two great boys. Sad, sad, sad. Because of my age I'd need to have the next babe in the coming year or two and I just don't think we can do it. I'm in mourning but also full of gratitude for these gifts we've been given. It's hard, isn't it? I never thought I'd feel this way but I really relate to your post.
HelloKitty's Avatar HelloKitty 12:51 PM 07-15-2005
I'm right there with you. It's been really hard. When I was pregnant with our newest babe I expected that we would have one more after this and actually talked DH into the idea. We still sometimes joke about it, but honestly I think we have now both come to the conclusion that four is good - we feel like our family is complete and really think taking on another baby would probably be too much. It was really hard for me to accept at first.

What has helped me personally though is the realization that it won't be too many years before I might have some grandchildren to spoil (my oldest is 15).
Kleine Hexe's Avatar Kleine Hexe 06:18 PM 07-15-2005
While I know that I'm proably not going to have any more babies, I keep from being sad by thinking "maybe." I just might have another (not likely) but the possiblity(ie my fantasy) keeps me from being depressed.