I want more, DH doesn't-anyone else? - Mothering Forums
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Family Planning > I want more, DH doesn't-anyone else?
BusyBeeMom's Avatar BusyBeeMom 12:56 AM 08-01-2005
I'm feeling sad about this today. DH is saying he doesn't want anymore children, no discussion. We have one DD who is 6 months old. For various reasons, I'd like to have #2 (and 3 and 4) sooner rather than later and AM SO SAD that he's saying absolutely not right now.

I'm 28, so hope I'll be able to convince him to go to at least two before the store's totally shut down. Anyone else in this situation and were you able to convince DH to go for more? He says career, stuff like that...


merrick's Avatar merrick 03:04 AM 08-01-2005
After we had DS, dh said he didn't want to have any more, 1 was enough. Then about a year and a half later he started saying maybe one day, but not anytime soon. I used to bug him all the time about having another one, but he always said no. Finally, I just gave up on the whole thing. I'm back in school now and so I was really focused on that and my future career.

Then a few weeks ago, dh just says out of the blue that he thinks ds needs a brother or sister! And he wants to start very soon because he doesn't want them to be too far apart in age. So it definitely can happen!

Maybe after your little one gets a bit bigger your dh will be ready for another.
Guava~Lush's Avatar Guava~Lush 06:41 AM 08-01-2005
yeah, our ds is almost 5 and dh isnt any closer to wanting another.

Everyone I know all of a sudden it seems, is having babies. My best friend is preggers with her second, another good friend, a coworker, the list goes on...

I go thru phases, but I usually want another. The day ds was born, I said I was ready for more!

Then the other night when dh and I DTD, and after the pull n pray method, it just hits that he really doesnt want another. I got so sad. Like I tried so hard to delay (not on purpose, I wasnt done!! haha!!) but he's not having it.
I know TMI, sorry!

I feel your pain.
Attila the Honey's Avatar Attila the Honey 07:55 AM 08-01-2005
Yeah, my dd is almost 2 and dh doesn't want any more children. The reasons he gives are finances, lack of space, fear about 'going through that again' (I had preeclampsia and alot of scary post partum complications and he's just recently admitted he was afraid I might die), his age (40), and the fact that he thinks our family is perfect the way it is.

And, he's right on all counts! But sometimes I still have that unexplainable tug to have another baby. I am just trying to concentrate on being happy with what I have, the hand life deals me. yk?
BusyBeeMom's Avatar BusyBeeMom 12:00 PM 08-01-2005
Originally Posted by Attila the Honey
I am just trying to concentrate on being happy with what I have, the hand life deals me. yk?
That's what I try to do. I just sometimes get pangs of..."I'll never do this (nurse a newborn, watch my baby cut her first tooth, see my baby sit up for the first time, etc) again. Sigh.

I just don't understand my DH. Oh well. At least I'm not alone! I keep hoping for a birth control failure (but I'm pretty sure I'm not even ovulating yet)!

gottaknit's Avatar gottaknit 04:24 PM 08-04-2005
Originally Posted by JaneyHD
That's what I try to do. I just sometimes get pangs of..."I'll never do this (nurse a newborn, watch my baby cut her first tooth, see my baby sit up for the first time, etc) again. Sigh.

I just don't understand my DH. Oh well. At least I'm not alone! I keep hoping for a birth control failure (but I'm pretty sure I'm not even ovulating yet)!

It's only been six months, he might change his mind soon. My DH said "never again" after our difficult-homebirth-transfer-for-c/birth. It was all too fresh in his mind and it really scared him. Then DS started saying DaDa and crawling, and now DH is begging for more.

And 28 is not old enough to start worrying about the store shutting down. (Unless you had trouble conceiving the first time.)
Alison's Avatar Alison 07:18 PM 08-23-2005
Originally Posted by Guava~Lush
Then the other night when dh and I DTD, and after the pull n pray method, it just hits that he really doesnt want another. I got so sad. Like I tried so hard to delay (not on purpose, I wasnt done!! haha!!) but he's not having it.
I know TMI, sorry!

I feel your pain.
You know, the chances of pg with pull and pray are so high, that I don't think anyone who uses that as BC on it is *really* against having another. They may say they are, but if they were, then they wouldn't use withdrawal as birth control. According to planned parenthood, 27 out of 100 women will get pregnant in the first year of using withdrawal. Even with *perfect* use, 4 out of 100 will still get pregnant within the first year. And really, who's perfect, after all? I mean, would those odds be good enough for you if you really didn't want to have another child?

My DH claims he doesn't want another, But he's perfectly happy using withdrawal. My theory is that he just doesn't want to take responsibility for the decision to have another. This way, if we have another and it ends up being difficult, financially or whatever, he can always say "well, I didn't really want another, you're the one who wanted to have two". To which my response will be "well, you're the one who didn't want to use birth control" (I had to quit using hormonal birth control and told him that birth control was going to be his responsiblity--after all, I'm okay with having another child!).

Anyway, I know how everyone here feels, cause I'm in the same boat. I have terrible baby lust, and had always planned on having more than one. So, I thought, had DH, until DS turned out to be such a poor sleeper! More than two years since we last slept through the night. I think once DS starts sleeping through the night, I might be able to convince DH that we should have another. Hopefully he'll forget about the sleeplessness!

Acugirl's Avatar Acugirl 01:45 PM 08-31-2005
I can so relate to this thread! My dd is 2yrs 9 months and after 2 1/2 yrs of constant nursing, I finally got my period back. That same day dh told me he wants a vas! I have always wanted 2 kids and dh didn't want any when we first met, but finally came around to having our dd. I was so devastated when he tol d me he wants a vas I cried and cried and finally he agreed to hold off and reassess later-we agreed to try to regroup as a couple and get back some of our life together....
But, Alison, like you I put him in charge of bc...I don't want to go back on the pill and since I want more and he doesn't-I figured he should be in charge...well....he is doing the "pull and pray" method or not even! I am SO confused by his actions....when I confront him on it he says " I am using the mind technique"??????? He said this with a totally straight face as if it was proven science or something-if it is, please clue me in!
Anyway, I wonder if what you said is true-that he doesn't want to take responsibility...we are going to see a marriage counselor next week to try to work through this, because it is really hard on me!

good luck to you all!
Alison's Avatar Alison 03:12 PM 08-31-2005
Acugirl! You sound like you need it.

The mind technique is a new one for me though! How does that work? You WILL the little swimmers to forget how to swim or something? I so understand about the mixed messages though. I mean, if my DH doesn't want another, then how come he's not willing to look after birth control? I don't know. I don't think I'll ever completely understand his side of things. If I was the one that didn't want another, he wouldn't get within ten feet of me without birth control.

chubbycheeks's Avatar chubbycheeks 03:33 PM 08-31-2005
Yup, I am in the same boat. After DS1, DH said no more, that he liked having one and not having the competition for attention with a second. I kept bugging him, and he agreed that DS1 needed a sibling, so we TTC'd and had DS2 in April. I had some pretty bad PP complications and now DH says no more for sure, and I have some BAD baby lust. Top it all off with a cousin of DH just announcing that she is preggers again (and I hate the way they parent, they CIO, all that stuff) and I so want another. I too, worry this is the last baby I will nurse, CD etc, but I am trying to enjoy it all and not try and worry about the future. After all, if this is really my last I dont want to waste all this time worrying about it instead of enjoying it. Better get off the PC and go play with DC, speaking of all this!! :
Danesmama's Avatar Danesmama 08:52 PM 08-31-2005
I'm in a similar boat to chubby cheeks. My dh says that he doesn't really want another child and is sure that he does not want to deal with my ppd (mild ppd, but it is an inconvenience to him to have me sit in my pj's all day) again. He also is afraid after two difficult births that the third child will actually hurt me or be harmed somehow, but I keep telling him I know that I can do it again. And really, how many moms do you know that had simple straight forward births?

Anyhow, he is still open to discussion, but I don't think he will come around any time soon. We are also using the "pull and pray" method and like your dh's I think that he will just reserve the right to say "I never wanted a third" if things are difficult. We'll see. . .
BusyBeeMom's Avatar BusyBeeMom 11:13 PM 08-31-2005
Hmm...I see I'm not alone! Interesting thoughts on why these guys use the "pull and pray" method, too. I hadn't considered that, but it makes a certain sense. As it turns out, I've gotten DH to the point where he'll consider #2. I'm beyond thrilled, and really think he'll go for it!

But, he said he'd want to get a vasectomy afterwards. I told him I could never get on board with him getting a vasectomy--he never knows how he'll feel years down the road. What if, God forbid, DD were to die? Or be sick and the best hope for treatment was cord blood of a sib? Or I die, and he remarries...anyway, you can see I'm not a fan of sterilization. I would only consider it if there were some medical reason that pregnancy would be life-threatening to me.

I feel like I may have a relatively small window of opportunity to conceive--I don't want DH to go back to the only child mantra! But DD is only 7.5 months, nursing a lot, and AF has not yet returned Too young to consider significantly restricting nursing.

I suppose I'll just see how it goes. Good luck to you all! BTW, the technique that worked for me was straight begging and pleading. Reasoning w/him was a lost cause.

Wishing you all lots of babies in your futures!
chubbycheeks's Avatar chubbycheeks 04:21 PM 09-01-2005
Well I am glad to see that you have possibly convinced him! I just had to post again as just this afternoon DH told me that he really thinks that he may want number three. This was a complete shock to me as I have let the topic rest of late, and the DCs have been a bit nutty this week. After this week, I thought for sure we were done in his eyes. Guess maybe I was wrong . .
gottaknit's Avatar gottaknit 04:37 PM 09-01-2005
when I confront him on it he says " I am using the mind technique"??????? He said this with a totally straight face as if it was proven science or something
: : :
Yeah.... this is how my mom ended up pregnant and married at 18.
moon_goddess's Avatar moon_goddess 04:51 PM 09-01-2005
i am in the same boat as all of you ladies. my ds is 17.5 months and i have been getting that baby bug. i thought that *i* wanted to wait till he was atleast 4 years old but now i am thinking it may be better to do it now. dh is on the pull and pray method as well...universe know's i hope that he doesnt pull everytime we have sex...one slip and i would probably get pg.

the sad thing is i do have a diaphragm that i never use cause it is way inconvenient with a nursing boy who is up all the time...but i have had the thought of faking putting it in with hopes of concieving. how horrible is that?

we have had the talk of if it happens it happens...but we arent trying and would prefer waiting. we'll see what happens
ShadowMom's Avatar ShadowMom 01:22 AM 09-04-2005
Here I am, jumping into the boat with you ladies!

My DH is not COMPLETELY against the idea, but he really doesn't seem to want another.

Our DS is 21 months old and I think DH is really enjoying DS not being as dependent.

I want another, but not for another year or so. I am REALLY hoping DH will come around in the meantime!

And if not, there is always his laziness when it comes to birth control. I think this is a man thing (like, they live in the moment, or something). I would hate to have a DC without having him totally on board though, it's hard enough getting him to help me out with the one we have. :LOL

I'm just LONGING for a little girl. I used to scoff at people who wanted a certain sex, but here I am... we have a boy already, now I want a girl!! :LOL I just yearn for someone to share my female secrets with.
moma justice's Avatar moma justice 05:25 PM 09-16-2005
i reference to husabnds not being on board with pregnancy (esp when THEY do not use BC, know you want to get preg, and and know how sex works...)

this was our case with dd #1!!!

and for almost 2 yeras my dh would sometimes bring it up...how *I* got preg, and HE was not ready...blah blah blah

i mean come on!!!!! it is not like i am responsible for inventing sperm or something...

so i guess it is a toss up, i am glad we have dd but i wish he was not so into pointing fingers
never's Avatar never 05:43 PM 09-16-2005
This is an interesting thread.

We are the opposite, DH wants lots more and I definitely do not. I'm happy with one.
becca011906's Avatar becca011906 12:24 PM 09-17-2005
This is interesting. I am a very young mama of 3 so know my time is not limited by any means at all! But i want more kids not now but some time, i dont' want to be done having kids at 22 years old. Although i took it on my part to take care of the BC method and had an IUD put in after dd was born so i could insure i wouldn't have time to go ahead and get through some college or something before i got pregnant again b/c as said above dh wasn't going to do anything to prevent the first three pregnancys so it's pretty much up to me to stop taking my pill or patch or whatever i was on at the time ect. But i figure i have 3 beautiful kids and if this is my family then i'll be happy but if there is chance for more in the futrue i will no way pass it up!!!
dalbert's Avatar dalbert 05:36 PM 09-20-2005
This thread is intriguing for me because I come from a completely different perspective. I started out not wanting any kids of my own but got swayed by an overwhelming urge to have one that resulted in our beautiful dd. Since then, I've been dead set on limiting it to just the one (dh has been in total agreement). Now I think I'm pg and suddenly I'm singing a completely different tune. I'm sure hormones play a big part in that shift, but I think it's also the thought that there may be another child that is meant to be in our lives. I think men can have that thought too. Now that I think I'm pg, I feel like there is an empty space that still needs to be filled. I have not felt that way since dd was born. This has been a real sudden realization for me (literally shifting me to a polar opposite position within a single day!). If there's one thing that both dh and I have always held faith in, it's that things seem to happen for a reason and that we do best when we just play the hand that's dealt to us. I think all of us doing the ol' pull & pray must believe in that to some extent...even the men.

-Di (mama to Rylee 11/01)
lizziejackie's Avatar lizziejackie 12:21 AM 10-01-2005
This is an intriguing thread for me too. I am 35.5 now and really want 3 kids...we already have two DD's and DH says he does not want anymore. (We have the only kids on both sides of our family, so no cousins, etc - ever. Furthermore, I just really want three.) We, like so many of you, are doing the PNPray method...I totally would not mind if we got pg, of course, and warn DH every time we DTD when I am highly fertile. (I have very obvious signs.) Anyway, I had a big scare in August that I was pg and started having panicked thoughts about DH being mad at me and acusing me of tricking him into getting (me) pg. Now, I really don't even want to DTD anymore, b/c if I do wind up pg, I am afraid he will get mad at me. KWIM? I suppose I am being irrational... but... I don't want him getting a vas either. ARGH.

I want to feel done with three kids... I don't feel done at two and it's killing me. It's like mourning the child you don't have. Does anybody else feel the way I do or am I just babbling...!?
ShadowMom's Avatar ShadowMom 12:52 AM 10-01-2005
Oh, Kelly, I know exactly how you're feeling. I want another child so much. But, DH doesn't seem to want another. And, seeing how stressed out he gets sometimes (and I'm a SAHM!) I feel like maybe that's a good decision for him. :LOL

Also, the first has put such a terrible strain on our marriage that, assuming we make it through, I can't imagine going through all of it again.

But we dtd the other night and used the PnP method (actually, it had been so long since we'd had relations, I didn't even think of it, until DH immediately afterward said, "You'd better not be pregnan! Ha ha").

Anyway, I am starting to think it might not be best for us to another child, and am really feeling sad about it a lot. I think it will just get worse as time goes on too.
Danesmama's Avatar Danesmama 02:33 PM 10-01-2005
I just wanted to update you ladies who want another, but dh (or dp) does not. We ended up miscalculating on our NFP - I don't chart, but know my cycles and fertility signs. We are expecting #3 in May if everything goes well! It was really a surprise because with my first two we actually had to try for a few months to get pregnant and this time it was so quick. I was totally in denial because I just knew I couldn't get pregnant so easily. . . um, I was wrong :LOL
My dh has been wonderful - he is actually excited for this next one.

So if it could happen to me it could happen to you and hopefully your dhs/dps will take it as well mine did!
lizziejackie's Avatar lizziejackie 03:38 PM 10-01-2005
There are times when I think maybe it's just better if we stick with two, but then I think I am probably just trying to persuade myself into the acceptance mode. I truly in my heart, don't think the DH would be THAT upset if we got pg, I just think he could (and probably would) use it as the "well, YOU wanted this one..." thing that others of you have talked about. If there's anyone out there that should have three it's us--we have small families, two girls (no boys), a bigger house and I already SAH! Furthermore, my current two would love a baby/little sibling. ARGH. DH and I talked about it more some last night and he said, "Maybe someday..." Now, someday isn't that great of an option w/ me being I am already 35.5(!), but at least that's better than a plain out N-O.

DD1 got us off to a rough start too, she was colicky, etc and still is very high maintenance and difficult (but God, I love her!). I think DH is afraid of ending up w/ another like her and, frankly, so am I!

So, if you are praying...or pleading...whatever works for yourselves, throw a few in for me (us) too (and I will do the same)! It's just a situation I never thought I would find myself it...life changes things, doesn't it?

Michelle--that is SO exciting about your new arrival and that your DH is A-OK with it! Hope you have a HH 9 months and a blessed little one!
hummingbear's Avatar hummingbear 08:41 PM 10-02-2005
DH has also been absolutely set against having another. For the first couple of years this wasn't really talked about since I wasn't ready. DS has been more than a handful for me. Then I started mourning every passing period. Now at 46 with a four year old I feel less attatched to the idea but still have a deep well of grief.

So gottaknit,
you've got lots of time!
My store wasn't even open at 28 :LOL

Best to us all
GRATEFULL's Avatar GRATEFULL 07:11 PM 10-03-2005
Greetings to all...this is an interesting thread. There seems to be a pattern...women want more...men don't.

I wonder why this is? I assume there are some major biological elements at work here. I always wonder why women want more than 1. Why is 1, 2, or 3 not enough. I grew up as an only child so I know I am biased in my perspective.

My situation is the same as others who have posted here. My wife and I have a 17 1/2 month old girl who is truly the sweetest thing. This all started out with my not wanting any children. My wife who has 3 siblings had different ideas. After two years of stalling, counseling, etc we agreed to go forward and have our first child. Everything was planned from day 1. We decided no hospitals and instead chose a birthing center as a nice compromise. The whole pregnancy went fairly smoothly...my wife continued her yoga practice, had great checkups, and overall was the model of a Pregnant woman!

That is until she went two weeks past her due date and we ended up at the county hospital after a 42 hour labor. She was dropping large blood clots while in the shower which promoted the hasty departure to the nearest medical facility. After 48 hours Chloe was finally born but not without complication. She did not cry when she came out of the womb...in fact several minutes passed until we heard the first vocalization. She was quickly whisked away to the IC unit where they hooked her up to oxygen to help her labored breathing.

After several hours we thought all was well and left her for the night. The next morning I checked on her and everything seemed to be improving. That's when she had her first seizure. They thought it was probably due to the long labor and lack of oxygen to her brain. She was immediately transported to a children's hospital where she had a second seizure.

I cannot even tell you how I felt as a father. This was by far one of the most devastating events in my life. She spent 5 days in the intensive care unit and was released. We had to keep her on phenobarbital for about 3 months afterwards to make sure she had no reoccurring issues.

I am happy to report that all is normal and well in our world. She consistently charts in the 97% for height, weight and head circumference. She is walking and talking and unless I told you this story you would never guess at how she came into this world.

My wife has been hinting lately that she would like another baby. I on the other hand feel like the luckiest guy in the world to just have one that is happy and healthy...why test fate? Why push our luck?

I should probably seek some counseling about this event as it was traumatic in every sense of the word. I share this story with you even though it may be a bit overboard because I want you to know how scary it is to see someone you love go through such an experience knowing that your powerless....knowing its possible that you could loose your wife and maybe your unborn child. Its chilling.

So maybe some compromise may be in order. You have to ask yourself why are you so unhappy with just one child. What is missing from that 1 child that you think you will get with a second?

As for the PnP method....I agree that the men who use this technique have no ground to stand on if they get PG. You have to accept that reality if you choose not to use real protection.

I love my child like nothing else but the fear that seeps into my stomach even thinking about another child is unbelievable. Maybe time and talking will make me come around but as for now I am just happy with what I have.
hummingbear's Avatar hummingbear 08:20 PM 10-03-2005
Thank you for your story gratefull. I can only imagine....... and maybe not well enough. I am relieved to hear that your DD development is going well.

I am curious what your bias is having been an only child. The only other stories I know from only children are that they are hell bent on having more than one.

I couldn't say that having one is a deficiency in the least. I am happy as could be and actually afraid of having another as much as I am drawn to it. All I can say is that during my pregnancy I had a huge sense of two beings associated with the unborn child inside of me. I cannot say what that means. But before that I had no attatchment one way or the other.

Many blessings

edited to add that perhaps my greatest hurt is that my DH will not actually sit down and hear how I feel without jumping to "no way".
BusyBeeMom's Avatar BusyBeeMom 10:55 PM 10-03-2005
This thread has attracted some really interesting comments and insights! I should update you all and let you know that DH has agreed to TTC #2! I can see that he's a little conflicted, but also a little excited. Now, if I would just ovulate...(I've ovulated once since DD was born-still nursing).

Basically, I emphasized to him that family is what brings me joy--he's more career focused. We already have the limitations that come with parenthood-having to arrange childcare, etc., so why not have another? Also, I fully support his career goals and going to school, etc., so I asked for him to go the extra mile to support what makes me really happy.

This will actually be our first time TTC-DD was a surprise! So, hopefully DH will not change his mind, and soon I'll be pregnant.

Good luck to everyone else!
mama Nicole's Avatar mama Nicole 01:05 AM 10-04-2005
I'm sending you cmpassion and love! It so hard....it's allmost like you get to the point where our womb ACHES for another! Maybe describing to him the pro's for your other little one. For instance learning to share mama and papa, and once they get a bit older, they paly with each other, and keep each other company. My two little ones are 3 year's apart, and I love it. I got oldest all to myself for three year's, then when my son was born, she was able to enjoy the process with us.
I think it get's a little overwhelming for the papa when the babies are small. Maybe he just need's a little more talking and loving!
I hope your family expand's soon!!!---Nicole
witt's Avatar witt 05:14 AM 10-04-2005
my partner didn't want anymore, but she finally decided that it was easier for her to live with having another than it was for me to not have another one, make sense? anyway we start trying this month
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