how did you decide when to stop? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 02-23-2006, 05:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How did you and your partner decide when you were done having children? DH and I are discussing this now, and maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but I'm having a really hard time figuring out if I want this to be it or not. He seems pretty sure. So I'm curious how you and your partner made that decision, and what factors played into it.
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#2 of 23 Old 02-27-2006, 07:35 PM
 
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Well DH and I are NOT done yet. We are definitely planning a third sometime semi-soon and then after that we will decide if we are having a fourth. I think it is a very difficult decision to make, especially while pg or in the early baby months. It's always best to hold off on doing anything permanent until you BOTH are very, very sure you are done having children. Good luck!

Laurie wahm (virtual paralegal) of 3 wonderful boys (11, 9, 5). 1st by c-section for breech, 2 by VBAC (one miscarriage between child #1 and #2).

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#3 of 23 Old 02-27-2006, 07:38 PM
 
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I'm probably done, just because of my health issues. I don't think fertility is an issue, but I just don't see me having the strength to care for a toddler again. I'm so releived that my little one is 4 and requires less attention, I don't think it's realistic for me to have any more kids, even if I do get married again.

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#4 of 23 Old 02-27-2006, 10:28 PM
 
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We are dealing with this issue right now - I was SO happy to see this post!!

We have 2 kids 4 and 2 y.o. and I am having horrible "baby wants". I feel like we are meant to have another child yet at the same time the thought of it....well kind of freaks me out sometimes. When we are at the grocery store or some where in public or having a tough day at home I think to myself "what on earth would I do if I had a 3rd child right now???"

I am very torn on the decision and could really think it until I turned blue but for me ultimately I feel like there is another child waiting for us, and that would be the last. Now I just need to hold off until late summer/early fall to TTC. I want DS2 and DC3 to be at least 3 years apart, for many reasons but the main being DS2 being more independant for the arrival of a new little one.

Good luck with your decision.....it is a hard one to figure out
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#5 of 23 Old 03-02-2006, 05:25 PM
 
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I just wanted to add another thing that is on my mind a lot with the decision to have another DC.

I LOVE the baby phase and I sometimes wonder if I am EVER going to not want to have another baby....just to have a baby - which I realize is NOT a reason to have more children. ANother thing is that I love being pregnant and going through the birth process. it is such an empowering thing for me and gives me a huge self confidence boost.

Anyone else have these thoughts in deciding to have more children??
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#6 of 23 Old 03-02-2006, 08:22 PM
 
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Coloradomom - I found your last post interesting! I also love being pg and it makes it easier to want a baby knowing that I enjoy pregnancy. I do NOT like the baby stage though, so for me it kind of balances out! I love my babies, but that first year (or two) is just so, so hard for me, I find it exhausting and stressful and just not fun at all. I love when they get to be about 18 months or more. That is what my youngest is now, and it is only now I can imagine coping with another baby. I have nothing but respect for women who have kids close together, because that would be very difficult for me to deal with.

Laurie wahm (virtual paralegal) of 3 wonderful boys (11, 9, 5). 1st by c-section for breech, 2 by VBAC (one miscarriage between child #1 and #2).

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#7 of 23 Old 03-07-2006, 03:20 PM
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I think when you're done you just know. I'm not finished yet--so far we're planning on having 2 more but who knows how we'll feel after the next one?
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#8 of 23 Old 03-08-2006, 03:53 PM
 
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I LOVE the baby phase and I sometimes wonder if I am EVER going to not want to have another baby....just to have a baby which I realize is NOT a reason to have more children.  ANother thing is that I love being pregnant and going through the birth processit is such an empowering thing for me and gives me a huge self confidence boost.

Anyone else have these thoughts in deciding to have more children?? 

That is EXACTLY how I Feel! I am so happy to know I'm not the only one. I am almost grieving over the fact that this is probably our last child/baby.

Our 7 week old baby girl was not a planned pregnancy, but we were so excited to have her. I was wanting to wait until things were more settled and the other children were older. Now my husband does not want anymore children and we are considering a vasectomy, but I cry to even think about it. I do not want an another unplanned pregnancy, but I would like to think when my little girl is 4 or 5 years, we might have another baby .

We have 3 boys and 1 girl. Our boys are 6 years, 3 years, 19 months, and now a 7 week baby girl. I had 2 brothers and always wanted a sister, but I know that is no reason to try to have another child later on in life - who knows - if I had another girl they might be enemies !

My husband says he will have a vasectomy whenever I tell him its ok, but then sometimes he seems to act as though he might want to have another child , even though he tells me he is definalty done. He says he dosen't want anymore, even if we would lose our children in an accident, and we were left completely childless.

Anyone have any thoughts, advice, or suggestions?
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#9 of 23 Old 03-23-2006, 03:52 PM
 
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I don't know how we'lll know that we're done. We have a 10 month old dd who was planned and I am currently 20 weeks pregnant- unplanned. We knew we wanted more kids but as the early discomforts resumed, I was asking my dh "Why do people do this?!?" I got out dd newborn pictures and remembered the feelings of that time and decided that it is worth it to have another baby- even if it was sooner than we'd planned. Before marriage, he wanted 6 kids and I wanted 8. Hmmm........ Are we crazy? The cost of kids had not been realized nor the stress although he comes from a family of 6 kids and I am from a family of 9 kids. I suppose that at some point we will know. I definately want to make sure that the next one is at least 18 months from this one that is coming.

Me : DD 5/05: DS1 7/06 : DS2 11/07: DS3 3/10
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#10 of 23 Old 03-24-2006, 01:11 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coloradomom
I LOVE the baby phase and I sometimes wonder if I am EVER going to not want to have another baby....just to have a baby - which I realize is NOT a reason to have more children. ANother thing is that I love being pregnant and going through the birth process. it is such an empowering thing for me and gives me a huge self confidence boost.
Anyone else have these thoughts in deciding to have more children??
This is how I feel as well. I have 4 and really felt that we were supposed to have another. DH was adamant he was done. We knew where each other stood and it was pretty hard on us. I was trying to convince myself that we were done but then totally out of the blue DH had a epiphany and decided he really wants another Of course now that he is ready I am a bit nervous but also very excited
We have decided that FOR SURE #5 will be our last.
However, if you only have 1-3 children I really think you should wait until your youngest is about 2 before making an permanent decisions.
I honestly admire women that have however many kids they want and then decide that they are done. I just never got there.
For us it is an age and space issue. Not only are we running out of bedroom space - 2 sets of kids will have to share - but I am almost 37 and though I don't think there is anything wrong with having a baby in your 40's, I just don't want to do it.

Keri

 Keri wife and Mama to  Cory 17,  Brendan 15,  Kerianne 8,  Avery 7,  Lilia 3
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#11 of 23 Old 03-27-2006, 07:12 PM
 
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I feel done. I have two little boys I love with everything in me. I've also lost one to miscarriage.

The past 4 years my body has been pregnant/nursing/pregnant/recovering/quicklypregnantagainand now nursing.
I'm 32 and dh is 41.

For me, knowing I'm done is as strong a call as knowing I wanted to conceive the children we did. I've opted for a tubal next week.
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#12 of 23 Old 03-28-2006, 12:02 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by earthmama369
How did you and your partner decide when you were done having children? DH and I are discussing this now, and maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but I'm having a really hard time figuring out if I want this to be it or not. He seems pretty sure. So I'm curious how you and your partner made that decision, and what factors played into it.
We discussed before marriage family size and he knew I wanted a large family. (five children) We had our first child, adopted our second child and had a surprise pregnancy with our third. We then started talking about not adding to our family and calling it quits. I have a lot of problems and getting pregnant, staying pregnant is a real challenge. Anywho, while we were discussing all this I as actually pregnant and didn't know it!

My husband was scheduled for a vasectomy but cancelled it. He says he doesnt want anymore but if it happens, I doubt he would be devestated. LOL At this point we pretty much think its out of our hands.
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#13 of 23 Old 04-12-2006, 10:12 PM
 
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Colorodomom- your posts are exactly how I feel too! My little one's are 4 & 2 as well.

Well we discussed having 2 or 3 before having any...then we had one, and another soon after. Now I want to have a third but I have those doubts on those tough days...I think, "how could I handle a third right now?"...but then my desire for another pregnancy, another homebirth, another baby....kicks in and I just want another. I'm trying to convince my dh to ttc this fall. At first my dh agreed but now he's changing his mind. My dd2 would be an old 3/young 4 depending how it worked out. Dh says he likes our family the way it is...and so I might not get the opportunity to have another. It depends on how set he is and I too will review what I'm wanting and why. Hopefully I will get to have another and then we'd both feel really complete.
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#14 of 23 Old 04-20-2006, 11:20 AM
 
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So glad that I found this thread. I thought pretty sure that I was done having kids so I had an IUD inserted in October. My ds is 9 and my dd is almost 3. They have an amazing relationship and lately I've been thinking about adding to our family. I too, love being pregnant and have easy labors and births. But I'm 38 and feel like my clock is ticking. Also, I wonder if letting go of having another baby is a grief process. My dd still nurses but only once a day, my ds is going to be 10 and I'm almost 40! Then like others have said, I wonder how I would manage things, especially when I'm having a stressful day.

Warmly~

Lisa

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#15 of 23 Old 04-21-2006, 09:38 PM
 
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We've been trying to sort through this as well. We have one ds who is 2 + and are feeling very complete in many ways. I have had 4 miscarriages (3 before and 1 after) and am not feeling like trying another pregnancy. I had to sort through whether or not I am missing the "baby" stage or if I would have another if I could.

We have just started the international adoption process, and I couldn't be happier. It will take another 20 months or so to complete, so I will still get to enjoy being completely there for ds until he is more independent and then will start all over again with a wee one. I'm sure that 2 will be it though considering my comfort level with chaos!

Molly
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#16 of 23 Old 04-22-2006, 09:49 PM
 
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Well, ive only had one so far, but for me, pregnancy was HECK, and birth was SUPER HECK...the baby period was okay, but this toddler stuff is CRAP......
LOL
I want four.
He is already on number 6...if we have three more to give me four, he will have 9.
LOL

CPST
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#17 of 23 Old 04-23-2006, 04:07 AM
 
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I agree with the you know when you're done or when you're not camp. I've felt very done for the last 6 months now (my youngest has recently celebrated his first year. )

I come from a family of 2 kids, both of us being very spaced apart (like almost 13 years!), while dh comes from a closely spaced family of 5 kids (I think they were no more than 2 1/2 years apart, including the 1 miscarrige my MIL had.) While he's fine with a larger family, I know do better with a smaller family. I'm very done as we have a boy and girl. I have been seriously contemplating having an IUD inserted (I thought I'd want a tubal, but that seems very intrusive to me), but at the very least will be starting NFP soon. Where we are and how things are, two is fine for us.
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#18 of 23 Old 04-23-2006, 04:24 AM
 
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After this baby (due July) we are definately done.

I had decided I was done after no 2 but then felt that just one more baby needed to come into our family.

So I think i've pushed it as far as I can now both for my partner and for me....

I was one of 3 myself so 3 feels right for me.......... plus we are broke from only one full time income and I think my partner would divorce me if I said I wanted four
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#19 of 23 Old 04-24-2006, 11:34 AM
 
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I am trying to concieve for #2, we already have 1 dd together and my dh has 2 before me. But as we were at a close friends house that have 4, he looks at me and says "Don't you want to have a least 3 more?" and he was dead. serious. How often do you hear (no offense) a guy say that!? I couldn't help but smile and really enjoy hearing that and at the same time feeling immense fear. ha!

:'n mama to Lotus and Zen :
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#20 of 23 Old 04-24-2006, 11:44 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coloradomom
I just wanted to add another thing that is on my mind a lot with the decision to have another DC.

I LOVE the baby phase and I sometimes wonder if I am EVER going to not want to have another baby....just to have a baby - which I realize is NOT a reason to have more children. ANother thing is that I love being pregnant and going through the birth process. it is such an empowering thing for me and gives me a huge self confidence boost.

Anyone else have these thoughts in deciding to have more children??
I have 3 now and would love to have another, (i am 37? can't remember )
but my dh doesn't want more, i had to beg for having Jenna and he eventually gave in. It bothers me that it isn't a mutual decision so i keep bringing up him getting a vasectomy, ticks him off when i mention this!!
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#21 of 23 Old 04-24-2006, 11:48 PM
 
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I know exactly where your coming from. My husband-to-be and I have four kids together, His two and our two baby boys. I am a firm believer in the "feeling" You don't have to have a lot of kids to experience that motherly instinct. Think of all the people who do great things in the world, who make a difference. What if their mothers had decided, against thier 'feelings" to not have any more kids before they were born?! Can you imagine the loss our world would experience. And you'll never know whether your un concieved child was destined for greatness or was just destined to make your life great.
I think those feelings are for a reason. Fate works on a higher level than the mind. Even whan its in convenient or illogical, theirs a reason for everyone and everything. I know that I will be having more because I couldnt imagine a life without my two baby boys and they were both un planned. I believe that they can do anything and the brightness thay have brought to my families life is un comparable to the calm, un interupte life without infants. Follow your heart, it won't fail you and you'll never regret those beautiful eyes.
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#22 of 23 Old 04-29-2006, 08:54 PM
 
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I don't feel done and we are going for #3 at the end of the summer. I still don't think I'll feel done then but we'll see!

DS1 2004 ~ DS2 2005 ~ DD1 2008 ~ DS3 2010 ~ DD2 due Dec. 2014
On hospital bedrest for pPROM since 23 weeks
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#23 of 23 Old 04-30-2006, 11:42 PM
 
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We are planning on at least three and then maybe four, we figure we'll see as we go. DH wants lots and lots of babies! I told him we are limited by a seven seater mini-van, only half joking... I had a great, normal, successful, wonderful pregnancy with DD#1 and then m/c after 7 weeks with pregnancy #2. We are TTC again in June and I am nervous but very, very excited! DD#1 and baby #2 will be over three years apart, depending on how it falls. The best part about starting our family when we are young is that we don't feel time pressure, yet. We can have four kids, three years apart and be in my mid 30's when we are done.

Ironically, as I type this, Grey's Anatomy is featuring a women with seven children who asks Dr Sheppard to tie her tubes during her c-section without telling her husband because they don't believe in birth control.

sleepytime.gifC.- WOHM, CPST Instructor, and all around busy Mama to  blowkiss.gifA.- 02/04, bouncy.gif I. 01/07,babyf.gifE. 09/10 and

stork-suprise.gif expecting the surprise of our lives Fall 2012!
 

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