I want another baby, he doesn't - any advice? - Mothering Forums

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Old 11-02-2006, 08:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, I am going to try not to make this message too long. I really need some advice though.

First I want to say that I have two wonderful kids (boy and girl) and I feel extremely blessed to have two healthy children. My kids are my life!!

I do however feel like there is a huge void in my life, almost like I know that there is another child for me in my future (this may sound absurd, but I am sure of it). My husband says that he doesn't want anymore kids and we should be happy with the two kids that we have - which I am! He tries to say that all babies grow up and then I will want another, but I don't agree with his thoughts- I just know that I want one more child. Our kids are spaced pretty far apart (14 & 6) and he thinks that they are more than enough and that we would not be able to do the things we do now financially if we had another (he wants to have cars, 4wheelers, etc. for the kids). Our kids ever suffer and they have more than any kid could ever want, so I really think we would make it fine.

I have kept my feelings about having another baby in for over 3 years (sad I know), because I know that he really doesn't want anymore children. However, it finally came up (during sex of all times) a few months ago and it turned into a huge fight. He says that I should respect his decision, but what about mine? Why don't my feelings mean anything to him? I know that he knows how passionate I am about this and how I feel about kids - he often tells people that have babies, to keep them away from me (he says it jokingly) because he knows how I feel. I guess he thinks it will just make my feelings go away, but it doesn’t.

Our only form of birth control is the withdrawal method, but I know it works as we have used it between each child for a total of 14 years with NO accidents. I often wish for an accident as you always here this method called the "pull and pray" method, but it hasn’t been that way for us. He never slips up and ALWAYS pulls out!! He has talked about getting a vasectomy, but I break down in tears and he ends up not doing it. I keep thinking if he was really sure about not having anymore, then he would have gotten the V, but he really doesn’t appear to want anymore.

He tried to con me into not having another baby by saying that I could get a B&G Macaw next year after we move and that temporarily made me feel better, but in the long run that is not going to solve the issue at hand. I can get a macaw later in my life, I want another child before I can’t have anymore (I am only 32, so I do still have some time).

Whenever I see babies and pregnant people I am happy for them, but sad at the same time. I just long for a baby and each month wonder if maybe an accident happened (but I know it never will). This month was especially hard on me as my sister is pregnant and it was an unexpected pregnancy (pull out method) and he boyfriend is a loser and they are now split up. She has gone back and forth from contemplating adoption (she won’t really do that though) to thinking she can’t handle the baby. In reality, she really doesn’t need a baby as she is young and not financially or mentally in the right place… but, she is going to have a baby. It makes me sad because I long so much for one and here god hands her one when she doesn’t need one. I love her and will do whatever to help with her and her baby (can’t wait to meet my niece/nephew), but I am still sad for myself.

I guess all this time I thought maybe an accident would happen, but am now realizing it’s not going to happen that way and that I want my hubby to want another baby as much as I do. I know I should probably talk with him about it again, but I know it will be a fight. I really don’t even know what to say… I am having a hard time even putting together a list of reasons why it is so important to me.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Have you been in this situation and found a way to work your way through it with your husband? How did it turn out, what worked for you?

I am sorry this has been such a long message, I am really just trying to get some help/advice in how I should handle this. I am nearly in tears as I write this.

Thank you for listening and for any advice you may have!!
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Old 11-02-2006, 10:56 PM
 
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I can't really give you any advice, I just wanted to give you a , you are in a really hard place, with no easy solution. It is really hard when one person is 'done' before the other. I would just keep talking to your husband, and explain your side of the situation as thoroughly as possible.
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Old 11-03-2006, 05:24 AM
 
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I agree with Anne. It is really hard when one person wants another baby and the other doesn't. I don't know what I would do in your situation... it's interesting that he suggested getting a bird. My doula suggested to a woman who was having baby fever that she get a puppy. It seems like a really sort of crappy suggestion but then the lady got the puppy and she LOVED it, and the baby fever settled for a year or so. That doesn't give you a long term fix at all, but maybe it might fill that nurturing/mothering spirit you are feeling so strongly. In the meantime, what about writing your DH a letter and explaining your feelings in there? That's often easier for me when it's something very touchy, yk?

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Old 11-03-2006, 01:48 PM
 
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Maybe you need to try and be certain what your husband's biggest concern is - if it is the financial aspect maybe you could try to show him the budget/expenses that a new baby would bring - if you can show him how little it would affect your finances (hopefully this is the case anyway!) then maybe that would help with his concerns. Then you can work on explaining to him how very much this would mean to you and how you can't see not having one more baby. Maybe if you also discuss having permanent birth control put in place after this baby that will also reassure him that it really is just one last child.

Unfortunately, this is one situation where compromise isn't a great choice - you either have another baby or you don't. So it might seem like your husband is discounting your wishes, and he probably feels you are discounting his - hopefully a talk about the impact of another baby - instead of just the desire for another baby - would help sort things out.

As for your sister - I'm sure that hurts, but try not to look at it as her getting a baby she doesn't "need". It may be that she does need the baby, or that your family as a whole needs that baby to be born - there are always greater consequences that we can see in the present.

I hope you and your husband can agree to have one more baby and you find the fulfillment you are seeking.

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Old 11-03-2006, 02:36 PM
 
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Keep talking to him about it. My husband started out for sure not wanting any more kids, no way no how, but the more I talk about it, the more open to it he is. I *think* we have finally decided to wait 5 years and then reassess whether we want another child then or not. Of course, I still will. Maybe he will by then, too. We are most likely going to adopt if we decide we want another at that point.

I know how difficult this is. There have been so many threads here at MDC with people saying that you shouldn't have another child if you both don't want it, that you should respect the feelings of the person who doesn't want another, but I always think, what about the person who DOES want another? YOUR feelings about it are just as valid as his.
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Old 11-03-2006, 06:29 PM
 
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I am also in the same boat, except I have 3 kiddos and I want #4. My dh was fine with having 3, though he would have been happy to stay with 2. I never would have dreamed I would long for more after having been blessed with 3 children. But I want another so bad.

For us it really is in our mindset. I believe all children are a gift from God and that procreation is a wonderful gift we have been given and should use often. My husband also thinks children are gifts from God, but that we should treasure each gift by not having too many so that we can spend lots of time with the children we have. For me, more kids equals more love, for him it means less love. Since his reason for not wanting more is b/c he wants to be a better dad I can' t really fault him.

I guess that is my first suggestion to you is to figure out why DH doesn't want more. If it is a reason you can respect that makes it slightly easier. If it is something that doesn't resonate with you then y'all can really talk through his concerns. Is is money? Is it time? Does he not like the baby stage? If you can narrow in on the exact issue then maybe you can figure out ways around his concerns and make him feel better about the idea.

Good luck! For me I am hoping time will solve our issues. My baby is 8 months old so maybe when he is older we can get serious about chatting about number 4! You are young too so time may help as well.

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Old 11-03-2006, 08:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Noodlegirl~ I think you are right, I need to figure out exactly why. I really think it is numerous things...
*he wants to enjoy the two we have
*why do the baby thing again and have to pay out so much money for daycare (our youngest just started school so daycare is done). My opinion, now that she's out, why not put another in... better yet why don't I just stay home part time.
*more money for our two - more kids equals less money to around
*babysitters are far and few between already - add another child it gets harder to find a sitter (though our oldes is a teenager).
*college cost - my opinion, they will all be going to college at different times.

I understand these things, but at the same time it doesn't end my want/desire for another baby/child. I am trying hard to just help my sister in her time of need right now, maybe that will help quench my desire (or make it worse).

Becoming- I agree, it's really not fair for either party... someone gets their way and someone doesn't. If only we could agree.


Izzy's mom- I have thought about approaching the subject with a permenant form of birthcontrol in the end.... BUT, I am afraid he will want me to get the perm. birth control and I am terrified of surgery. It's so much easier for the man!!!

I need to come up with some valid concrete talking points as to why it would be good to have another baby -- I am just struggling with this. All I can think of is that I love kids, want a bigger family and have the love to go around... probably not going to grab his attention though!! Any advice?

I totally agree about my sister - it just makes me sad because she really doesn't want the baby and talks about giving it up for adoption often. However, I do think she will love the baby and I will do whatever I can to help her - maybe that is my place to help her instead of myself. I also think about the fact that I have a teenage daughter. When I was 18, I ended up pregnant and my mother was pregnant... I expect my daughter to NOT follow my footsteps, but what if??? I really would want to be there for her if that happened.

Augustine~ I agree... the puppy might work for a while (I actually got a puppy last year and it helped for a while), but it doesn't solve the real underlying desire.

Jbmill~ thanks for the hugs... I am feeling a little better today, probably was PMS really getting to me yesterday... I still feel strongly about this, just not as emotional today.

I appreciate everyone's replies! It really helps to talk through this with others that understand!!
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Old 11-03-2006, 09:38 PM
 
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nak. no animal will be a sustitute unless what you really want is the animal. I firmly believe that the greatest gift you can give a child is a sibling, what a great experience for you teenager to learn how to care for a baby (and babysit for goodness sakes). As for money- this is a common statement in our society to justify small families. Kids do not need things, they need family. Having less for the other 2 teaches them an important thing- that money isn't paramount, nor is it that important (though it does make thing easier. If they want to go to college, they can pay for it (and probably appreciate it more), get a scholarship, or go to a state school (much less expensive). Having another child will not prevent him from enjoying the other 2, it might have the opposite effect, and allow him to see how loving and nurturing the other 2 can be. Have you talked with them about having another sibling? what are their thoughts? In my opinion, money is fleeting, as is time, and I have never met anyone who regrets having that last child once they look at their sweet little face.
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Old 11-04-2006, 12:33 AM
 
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no advice for you mama, just s My hubby is adament he doesn't want another though I am starting to get a little bit of baby fever now. I hope a few years down the road when our little ones are older he will be more open to another.

I think the previous posters have had some wise words. I know it must be hard to think of not having anymore, especially because you still have quite a few years of fertility yet - that's a big thing for me...to think of so many long years of being fertile but with no babies.

If money is a big thing for him could you start putting money away? Would he be opposed to that? It sounds like you work out of the home. Could you open a savings account up and start putting a little of your spending money away? If he asks why just tell him you're saving to pay for the up front costs of having a new baby, and if he remains firm on no new baby you can put it towards college for the two you have already I don't know if that would help but I know my hubby worries about paying for yet another birth in our case.

I think most of what you can do is just pray about it, if you're the praying type. Talk to him or write him, but in the end you do have to respect his wishes - a child is a big thing. Perhaps pray and mention it from time to time. Bring out pictures or bring up good memories of babyhood for your first two every once in awhile. And maybe when he sees your sister's new baby with you it will help him realize how wonderful another child would be.

Wishing you the best mama

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Old 11-06-2006, 04:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for ALL of your kind words!!

I brought this up over the weekend and as I knew would happen I became tongue tied. He thinks I want another baby because I have to always be nurturing someone... maybe he's right, but that is me and there is nothing wrong with that in my opinion.

He told me that he does not want anymore kids and that he's not in a place that he wants to go "backwards" - our kids are old enough that they can be self sufficient alot of the time and he likes that. He says he doesn't want to go back to doing diapers, daycare and having the extra expense. So it's not just the money (but it is some of it), but he also says he loves his kids and sometimes finds it hard to be patient with them (sometimes he's better than I am though), so he's not sure if he would have enough patients for another.

I do understand his feelings and I totally respect his feelings, at the same time I don't really think he understands how much this means to me. It doesn't help that I have a hard time expressing my feelings of "why" this would be a good thing.

Last night I said a nice prayer that God would either help me be able to deal with his decision or that my dh would come around. I hope that I can get over this and stop being so emotional about it. It has bothered me for a while, but for some reason it's so bad that I find myself in tears often about the thought of not having another baby.

I even went so far as to tell him that he could get fixed if he agreed to one more (he says he is convinced that I would still want more after another - I don't agree). He says that if he ever did agree, it would have to be me that got fixed. I don't think I could ever agree to that as I am terrified of surgery!! Maybe that could be my stance with him... agree to have another baby and I will get fixed. Doesn't quite seem fair to me - why can't he do it? Even if I agreed to that, he probably still won't budge.

So last night I went to bed in tears and could not sleep well all night... then I had dreams about becoming pregnant and the dream went so far as to be able to see in my belly as the egg was fertilized and implanted and grew into a baby - when it was born it was a boy. It was so real!! The only thing about my dream that seems off was that I think my next would be a girl, but I could be wrong. Guess I will never know what the next would be since my dh doesn't appear to be budging on this one!!

Well thank you for listening to me... I will probably still be here from time to time or maybe I need to find another hobby.
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Old 11-07-2006, 07:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well we talked about this again last night and he made a comment that he thought I needed counseling as he doesn't understand my need for another baby... this must be a mom thing because it's extremely hard to explain it to a man!!! I was deeply hurt by his lack of understanding and his rude comment. I told him it was fine for him to have his opinion, but I also had a right to have my own opinion. We argued a bit, then I took my shower. After he took his shower he came in and said he was sorry and that he didn't mean what he said. He asked if I would be mad if he got fixed - I told him do whatever you want. He says -- oh, so are you going to have an affair so that you can have another baby? I just said whatever... he's being childish about this now.

I do think he has valid points about why we shouldn't have anymore (not the most recent comments, but previously), but it really doesn't make me feel any better. He acts like I am the only human being that wants more than two kids... like there is something strange about that.

Part of me thinks that my husband is right... we have two healthy kids and things are good now -- we have extra money (no more daycare, only latchkey) and are in the process of building a custom home. My sister is expecting a baby next year and I know she will need help with her little one (she's young and has a lot of issues herself) so that will help fill the void hopefully...

I am resolving at this point to let god take lead on this one... either he will change my mind or his or perhaps we will be blessed at some point unexpectedly. We use W/D as our form of BC and though I know it's not a 100%, it's worked for us for a combined total of 14 years with no accidents. The likely hood of an unexpected pregnancy would be slim, but I guess you never know... god has a way of working in mysterious ways.
This is the only way that I can resolve myself to not be so consumed and upset about this... now let's just hope my husband hasn't been totally freaked out and gets fixed!! Then again, he may realize that this is important to me and change his mind (doubtful though).

Please say a prayer for me if you don't mind -- I would appreciate it!! The last couple of nights have been sleepless nights!

Thanks again for listening and if anyone else has any insight, I am all ears!
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Old 11-07-2006, 07:37 PM
 
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I am sorry you guys are not agreeing on this. I don't have any suggestions other than to tell you something that we do in our family in regards to decisions we disagree on. When we disagree, after talking about it... giving some time and talking about it again... if we still disagree we make the decision that causes the least harm or change to the family.

So for us, if one of us absolutely did not want another baby, there wouldn't be another baby. If one of us wanted to circ and the other did not, we wouldn't circ. If one wanted to vax and the other did not, we wouldn't vax. We do it that way because once you make a big decision to cause change to your family you can not take it back... however if you do not make the change you can always re-evaluate down the road.

So my suggestion is to give it time for now and wait it out... you never know, maybe in a year you will both be in a different place and think differently about this. If you had a baby right now even tho he doesn't want one I imagine the effect on your marriage would be huge and that is not something you can take back or redo. However who is to say that in a year he wont be ready for another one? I hope you guys can find some peace with this.
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Old 11-07-2006, 07:43 PM
 
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Sympathy to you mama; you seem so torn up by this. I hope you can come to some sort of resolution.

I have to say that your dh's position seems extremely reasonable to me. He doesn't want another child. Period. And his reasons are all very sound. He sounds like a really good dad, one who takes his responsibilities as a father very seriously, and a man who knows his limits and what he's capable of. He wants to do his best by the two kids he has, and doesn't think he could do that with three.

I feel the same way, for myself. I can't fathom having a third child. So it's easy for me to see where he's coming from. On the other hand, I've experienced "baby lust" so I see where you're coming from as well.

I guess what I think is that you need to take a really hard look at the life you have and your relationship with your husband, and think about how that would change if you had another baby. Would your dh be able to give it the love and attention that he gave your other two? Would it create life-long resentment and the feeling that he did something he didn't want?

And also, you need to take a look at it from your side, as well. Would this be a life-long regret? Can you live with what you've got, or would you have life-long resentment if you didn't have another?

One thing I think is really crucial to consider. Please don't pray for/try to engineer an "accident". Getting pregnant now, without the two of you resolving the situation, would be a terrible mistake. He'd feel tricked and defeated, and you wouldn't be able to enjoy the pregnancy, knowing he didn't intend for it to happen. I'd go so far as to say that you might want to look into using condoms till this is resolved, just to make sure it won't happen.

I'm not one to jump on the counseling bandwagon at the drop of a hat, but in this situation, I think talking this over with a neutral third party might be the best thing for both of you, since you seem to be at an impasse.
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Old 11-07-2006, 08:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Patchymama- You have a very good point... at this point I am not going to push the issue any further! As I said, we have a good life with two great kids... though I feel like there is a peice of our family missing and I feel sad about it, I still know that we are happy as is. I would never want to have a baby that my husband did not want.

When I was referring to leaving this up to God, I definitely did not mean that I would be praying for an accident. I only said that because I figure that God will have happen what he feels is best for our family. I would never want my husband to resent me, the baby or our family for an accident!!
I figure either I will realize that this is for the best or maybe in time he will see things differently - only time will tell.

Atleast I am not as emotional about it as I had been. I am going to try to focus on the great things we have going for us NOW and try to forget about this for a while. I keep wondering if part of the reason I am feeling so upset about this is possibly the finalism of not having another baby more than anything??? I have talked with a few of my older friends who said they went through a similar time period when they thought they wanted more kids... so maybe this is all a part of life.
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Old 11-07-2006, 08:15 PM
 
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I sympathise with your feelings, but also with your dh's. It sounds like one problem in the discussions is that your dh is very clear about why he doesn't want another child but you are having a harder time pinning down why you do. Maybe you could decide to take a period like a couple of months when you won't discuss it and you will think very carefully about just what it is that you feel. Once you've done a little thinking, it might be helpful to talk it through with a therapist - not because it's something you need to "get over" or anything, but just to help you clarify your feelings.

Then once you've done that you'll be better able to assess why (and how much) another child is important to you and assuming you still want one, feel more able to explain your position to your dh. Then the two of you will have to make some decision about the relative importance of having/not having another one, and how either choice would affect the health of your marriage, the happiness of the children you have, and so on.
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Old 11-08-2006, 09:52 AM
 
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not sure what to say, but if he is wanting it, he could get to the point of resentment and that isnt good for you or the baby. i went through this, she is 21 months now, and he is more a part of her, but in the beginning till a little while ago it was all me, but that is just my experience. good luck on whatever you choose


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Old 11-08-2006, 12:12 PM
 
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so many s for you mama. I know its hard but I think the pp have made good points.

It does sound like your hubby has been childish about it in your last few discussions. That's not excusable but it probably means it's better if you just drop the issue for now. I'm at the same place. Anytime I mention wanting another baby one day my husband shoots the idea down or makes a little joke that hurts me much more than it should. That's really a cue to me that I should just drop it for now.

I have a good friend expecting a baby in January and I'm looking forward to helping her - I know you're feeling the same way about your sister. Are there any other ways you can help out with babies? If you go to church you could volunteer in your church nursery and cuddle babies there. Or you could volunteer in the NICU at your local hospital. My mother desperately wanted three or four children but had an emergency hysterectomy after my brother (baby #2) was born. She took a lot of comfort nuturing babies in the NICU and children's ICU. These are of course if you think helping with other babies would help more than they might hurt.

Your thoughts on focusing on how grateful you are for what you have now are also wonderful. It's easy to get caught up in wanting and not realizing the treasures we have now. You may find that the baby desire passes or you may find your hubby becomes open to another one...just sit tight and trust in his choice for now.

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Old 11-08-2006, 01:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I decided to write him a letter last night... I basically explained my feelings, explained that I understood his position and would only want another child if we BOTH wanted it. I also told him that if was 100% sure in his heart that he did not want anymore kids then I would support his decision to get fixed, but if he wasn't 100% sure, then we should wait and discuss this again some time next year.

He doesn't like when I write letters as he prefers conversation, but I explained that sometimes he's quick to think his opinions are always the right/best ones and this is why I needed to write it to him. He did read it, in fact he put it away in the drawer and didn't throw it away, but we didn't talk about it anymore. I am going to assume that maybe he is thinking about it... I stated my opinion and desires, told him I would also stand behind his and it's now in his court to make his decision either way. In the end, I want a happy marriage and happy healthy kids and if that means no more babies for me, I will be okay with that. It makes me sad as I feel like I have one more out there, but for now I am taking comfort in knowing that I have been blessed with my two beautiful children and husband and that is something that some never get in their entire life.

Thank you for listening to me, I so appreciate it and it has helped me a little knowing that others understand and that I had someone else to talk to about this!!
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Old 11-08-2006, 05:59 PM
 
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I think a letter was a lovely idea, a good way for you to communicate your feelings to him clearly. I'm glad that you feel a bit more at peace about it and I hope things work out perfectly for you

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Old 11-09-2006, 12:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, I felt more at peace about it until my wonderful dear husband decided to turn into a crabby person to live with. I have been a little on edge lately, but he has been grumpy and just plain crabby!!! I am sure it is a lot of things causing it - business is slow, my baby talk, taxes due, etc. but I am feeling like this behavior is mainly because of the expression of my desires to him.

I don't want to drag this post on too long, just venting again. :
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Old 11-09-2006, 01:19 PM
 
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When I was ready to for another baby at one point, and DH wasn't yet... I just told him how I felt- that I wanted another, and I was going off the pill. If he didn't want any more children, the birthcontrol was in his hands. That lasted two months- we used condoms- and suddenly he said one day he was thinking that one more wouldn't be too bad... and if I still wanted to try, we could. I think for him, it just took time for him to get used to the idea. I didn't pressure him, I just put it in his hands. Not long after that I was pregnant with Amelia- and since then we've decided to have more kids...
He joked that if he didn't give me what I wanted, I'd find another sperm donor LOL

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Old 11-09-2006, 02:03 PM
 
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I've appreciated reading all of the helpful insight on this thread. DH and I are just starting down this path. I for sure would like a third child and he would be more than happy to stick with two. Our agreement before marrying was always "2 with the option of 3". I don't think he really took that optional third part seriously.

I had absolutely no idea how much having children would so profoundly change me and my life. I am a totally different person than I was before kids. I see having a third child as nothing less then adding more love, more depth, more companionship and more richness to our family. I am totally incapable of putting my feelings about this issue into to words which adequately convey my feelings.

Anyway, DH does not care for being cornered with a "serious conversation" about anything. The result is that deer in headlights effect. So we do a little dance and bring things up as they come up and as we're both in the mood to talk. Sometimes it's a kind of fun and exciting way to do it actually. My heart pounds with excitement when he's ready to talk. I know for sure that he knows I want another. I've alluded to it casually many times. He hasn't tried to run out and get a vasectomy which is good. And lately he's referred to things that we'd do "if we have another child". He does it in a matter-of-fact way that makes it seem like he feels it's a total possibility. At this point I think he'll come around and go for it. Luckily I have a year before I would want to actually start TTC.

Right now, I'm just trying to enjoy the two wonderful kids I have and not focus on this too much. I'm afraid they'll grow up when I'm not looking!
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Old 11-09-2006, 05:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That is funny... my husband made the comment to me -- I guess if I go get fixed you will sleep with someone else to have a baby. I just laughed.

I think I may have brought this subject up a bad time... my husbands business is slow right now and I think he is really worried about money. We are also in the process of building a new much more expensive house (double the cost of our current home) and that is a lot of stress too. I do work as well, but his income pays alot of our bills.

I really want to talk more about the baby thing with him... especially since I wrote him a letter recently and he said nothing at all about it. I think it's making me upset just in daily life because I feel like he's somewhat ignoring my needs. I should probably drop this for now, but it's hard... at least he could say I will think about it or definitely not or I hated your letter or something!!! :

On a good note... I was talking with my sister about her baby to be and we really think it's a girl, but she has not had her ultrasound yet. Anyways, I thought of a really cute name that I think would be cute for a girl...
Mackenna. I think it's an adorable name for a little girl. My sister also liked my other two names that I have picked out if I have a girl Madelynne or Madison. I kind of hoped that she wouldn't pick Madelynne since I really love that name, but now that I have thrown out the name Mackenna, I kind of like it.

Anyways, thanks again - It's great to have all of you ladies out there to listen!!
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Old 11-10-2006, 09:06 AM
 
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If you say he is stressed out now about his job and money and building a new house, maybe now is really, really not the best time to be pushing this issue. It only adds to his stress and may make him resent you. When business picks up, house finished, and the money issues relax, go for it, but I think your timing now is really bad. Of course he is going to say absolutely not when he is worried about feeding the family he has now, let alone kids waiting in the wings.

I am not trying to take anyone's side, but the way you describe your present situation, it just doesn't seem like now is the time to start talking about more children from an objective standpoint. I think you realize it too because you say you think you should probably drop it yourself. Maybe the best thing to do right now is to work hard to distract yourself from the issue for awhile. Throw yourself into the children you have, your work, your hobbies, the new house, go out with your friends and have fun w/out the kids, etc. Maybe after a year or so, you'll realize that your husband may have been right about stopping. Maybe also it could be that by then, things are better overall and your husband has softened on the issue. Who knows?

Whatever happens, good luck with the house building and congrats on becoming an aunt (again?)!
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Old 11-10-2006, 04:46 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. That totally sucks.

I agree with others who've said that you should probably let it drop for right now. You need to step away from the fence. Right now your husband feels hounded and probably needs to be left alone for a while (I mean in general, not even just about the baby thing.)

An unfortunate thing is that the withdrawal method sends a very clear signal every time you have sex- which brings this issue up again and again- both for you and him. Maybe you could use an IUD or vaginal ring or OCP for a while to change the in-bedroom dynamic? If your husband saw you taking initiative in the contraception arena he might feel like you take his wishes seriously and want to work with him.

I've used withdrawal in relationships in the past, and it was effective, and free, and convenient. However it made the birth control choice feel very one sided. Perhaps the place to start is by taking joint responsibility for birth control, then maybe later you can make a joint choice about having another.

Good Luck!
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Old 11-16-2006, 06:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well my husband told me last night that he made his appointment for the vasectomy... I think he might just be saying this though as he is sometimes childish like that!! :

At any rate, he flipped me from a perfectly okay mood to being in tears over everything thing!! He said, why are you upset, you said you respected whatever my decision was - I said, yes I do, but that doesn't mean that it makes me any less sad!!!!! :

I guess I just don't understand why he would want me to be hurting over this. He talked to a friend of ours wife last night (which is why the conversation came up anyways) and asked her if she wanted more kids... she said yeah sometimes, but then she changes her mind. Now he thinks it is just a woman thing - which he make be right!! It doesn't matter though whether it's a women thing and I told him that - I said it's more than the baby cuddling dependency thing, it's a long life with kids that we love. He says I want to be able to enjoy life -- WHAT??? I totally enjoy my life with my kids and I love spending time with them. I will say there are times that I enjoy a free day or weekend, but for the most part I wouldn't change any of the caos of our lives.

He says we need to focus on building our house so I can get my mind off of things - it will work for a while I guess, but ultimately I will be back to the same place -- I still want one more baby!!!

I know I need to move on a drop this for a while, but he brought it up last night, not me...

I hope you don't mind me venting here, I feel like this is the only place people understand me sometimes.

Thanks for listening!
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Old 11-17-2006, 09:33 PM
 
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The Vasectomy thing is hard. It is so permanent, and to be honest, it seems kind of punitive. He did not even bring it up (or schedule it) until you brought up your desie for another child.

While I respect the fact it is his body (so ultimately your decision) in the best of things it should be a joint decision. (and it almost seems like you said it "get a v - if that is really what you want to do - in a moment of weakness.

Hugs - i hope you continue to use BC until you are both in consensus about what to do.

kathy
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Old 11-19-2006, 09:57 PM
 
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I feel for you, and I agree with Kathy. I think it is wrong for him to get a "V" when he knows you want another child. It's almost like he is pushing you away, punishing you, or wanting to test you.

With our first, dh wasn't ready and wasn't ready, and finally I told him I wasn't going to do NFP anymore. I was ready and if he wasn't then he was going to be in charge of birth control. Pretty quickly he was ready (we both hate withdrawal), and now he has a daddy's girl that he wouldn't give back for the world. I have my own little issue now. I have ds who is only 3.5 months and dd who is 2 years, but for some reason the baby fever hasn't died down like I thought it would after I had 2! What to do about that?! I have a horse, a goat, 2 cats and a dog too! Maybe it is genetic; my grandma had 16 kids all 1-2 years apart!

2 is not a big family at all, and I just have little pity for a many who can afford a 4 wheeler (or any other big toy) but thinks he can't afford another baby. (Especially when it is the nursing mother who does at least 75% of the work!) I hate to say it, but I worry that this is a commitment problem - and this is not about babies at all. You all might need to get some help with this - a church counselor? I'm just wondering if babies are truly the issue. Good luck, thanks for sharing your struggles, hoping the best for you...
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Old 11-23-2006, 10:50 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fantesia28 View Post
That is funny... my husband made the comment to me -- I guess if I go get fixed you will sleep with someone else to have a baby. I just laughed.

I think I may have brought this subject up a bad time... my husbands business is slow right now and I think he is really worried about money. We are also in the process of building a new much more expensive house (double the cost of our current home) and that is a lot of stress too. I do work as well, but his income pays alot of our bills.

I really want to talk more about the baby thing with him... especially since I wrote him a letter recently and he said nothing at all about it. I think it's making me upset just in daily life because I feel like he's somewhat ignoring my needs. I should probably drop this for now, but it's hard... at least he could say I will think about it or definitely not or I hated your letter or something!!! :
Funny isn't it? I don't mean to butt in and play the armchair psychologist, but, don't you think it's funny that when big stress hits a couple, women TEND TO crave closeness, intimacy, support and empathy more than anything (hence perhaps a resurgance of your baby yen?) while men TEND TO crave autonomy and space and silence.

Such poor timing, no?

I am guessing his joke making and standoffishness, and manipulative game playing (as your last post describes) around the matter is his way of saying: I need to get through THIS crisis before I create another for myself. So your letter probably made him feel under attack in someway. He might have seen it as "passive aggressive" and manipulative when all you wanted was for him to HEAR you and not be able to block your opinions, and counter your every feeling with logic and reasoning.

Maybe he doesn't want more kids, but I would say NOT pushing it right now, would be the way to go.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fantesia28 View Post
Well my husband told me last night that he made his appointment for the vasectomy... I think he might just be saying this though as he is sometimes childish like that!! :

At any rate, he flipped me from a perfectly okay mood to being in tears over everything thing!! He said, why are you upset, you said you respected whatever my decision was - I said, yes I do, but that doesn't mean that it makes me any less sad!!!!! :

I guess I just don't understand why he would want me to be hurting over this. He talked to a friend of ours wife last night (which is why the conversation came up anyways) and asked her if she wanted more kids... she said yeah sometimes, but then she changes her mind. Now he thinks it is just a woman thing - which he may be right!! It doesn't matter though whether it's a women thing and I told him that - I said it's more than the baby cuddling dependency thing, it's a long life with kids that we love. He says I want to be able to enjoy life -- WHAT??? I totally enjoy my life with my kids and I love spending time with them. I will say there are times that I enjoy a free day or weekend, but for the most part I wouldn't change any of the caos of our lives.

He says we need to focus on building our house so I can get my mind off of things - it will work for a while I guess, but ultimately I will be back to the same place -- I still want one more baby!!!

I know I need to move on a drop this for a while, but he brought it up last night, not me...

I hope you don't mind me venting here, I feel like this is the only place people understand me sometimes.

Thanks for listening!
If you can't vent here...I mean really!?

Your dh was pretty underhanded last night, IMNSHO; he was obviously (*I* think based on the NOTHING *I* know about you or him or your marriage ) feeling under seige and felt a need to hurt you, because he KNEW this was a hot topic for you, and I really think that if he truly wanted to get a V, he would just go and do it and tell you afterwards...it's an out-patient surgery. You might not ever even know if he did it.

I think you should drop it now because of what you mentioned earlier, the financial situation. It seems quite clear to me that for him to be able to provide luxuries for his family (that maybe he didn't have growing up? ) is integral to his sense of manhood. My DH and I have OODLES of conversations on THAT old chestnut I assure you! Being in a place of instability is probably really scary for him, especially if it comes after years of feeling like he was safe and on the road to the dream retirement. Your wishes for another baby probably scare the ever loving sh*t out of him, so more than it really being a decision made out of logic and careful consideration (as he would have you -- and himself I bet-- believe), I am going to guess that this "decision" of his is being made out of base fear (God, I have so much fun playing Fraser Crane in my head ).

But for the love of god and all that is holy, don't you DARE imply that to him! That will be a sure fire way to drive him to the surgery office to prove you wrong.

I hope you don't mind my giving advice...do you?

Feel free to ignore me...

My advice, if you think it's worth anything, would be to tell him that you are genuinely sorry he feels under pressure from your letter and your desires, that it wasn't your intention to make him feel under attack or manipulated. That the reason you wrote it is because YOU are feeling sad and scared from all the stress of the changes, and it's making you realize that if tomorrow there WAS no money left and you were all homeless, you'd have a whole in your life, and maybe that whole CAN'T be filled by a another human soul in your family, but it definitely won't be filled by more money in the bank.

Telling people that you are afraid often helps them to let down their defense mechanisms and also admit that they too are afraid. It might open up the lines of real communication again...maybe he really is done having kids; he might really feel he has chosen his priorites and he doesn't want a "change of life" baby thrown in at the end, but I would note that he is not acting like a loving partner right now. He is biting and scratching at you like a cornered animal...so back off, give him space, and let him know that you are sorry for frightening him and making him feel cornered...tell him that if he is feeling overwhelmed or scared by all this new stress that he can come to you, and that by sharing his feelings and fears it might help you better understand where is coming from, but if nothing else, and most importantly really, it will make YOU feel a lot less alone in this scary time for your family.

Then if he DOES open up and tell you why he feels so freaked out and upset by the idea of a new baby, just listen and hug and offer empathy (the way you wish HE would do), and help him to realize that TOGETHER you guys can make it through any hardships. Maybe THEN he will see that the bigger your family is the stronger you can be...

I am willing to bet that you see family love like the proverbial bunch of matches...the more people there are, the stronger the love is...but many people see family love like a piece of taffy, the more people it has to wrap around the thinner and more fragile it gets. I think by showing him that the two of YOU can stick together and get through this financial crisis, he might be more willing to accept the idea that a third child will make your family GROW, not stretch your love to breaking point.

Now...I do not condone the idea of you creating an "accident" to trick your husband into getting you pregnant...but FWIW, I have always found my dh has a very hard time pulling out when I am on top.: I'm just saying.

Rebekah - mom to Ben 03/05 and Emily 01/10, a peace educator, and a veg*n and wife to Jamie.
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Old 11-23-2006, 10:51 AM
 
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BTW, I am REALLY sorry if that came out arrogant and rude...I'm trying to be helpful, so if it came out wrong or presumptiuous in any way, I am really sorry!

Rebekah - mom to Ben 03/05 and Emily 01/10, a peace educator, and a veg*n and wife to Jamie.
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