Mamis of one, tell me why you aren't having any more/why you are/undecided? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 46 Old 04-12-2007, 01:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Aimee21972 View Post
but sounds to me like your DH wants a "surprise" not a "planned".

Aimee
Ah, if that were the case, I'd be turning cartwheels.

Nope, DH is a planner if I ever saw one. Especially about having kids. At least that's what he says...I do notice that there are lots of things where he says one thing, but in reality it turns out to be something else. Not like he is lying or anything, he just has these REALLY high standards for himself. And sometimes he can't live up to them, so he ends up doing things he said he wouldn't do. I think the "one kid only, because overpopulation is straining the planet" definitely falls into that category of high standards.

Again, I think patience is key for me. I just sat for a while with the calendar and thought about when would be good times to try for a second, how old I would be, how old our DD would be, etc. I kinda surprised myself by figuring out that I would be most comfortable waiting another year to TTC, and up to 2 years would be OK.

Now, the IUD comes out in a few months, so we will have to come up with some other kind of BC. If DH is still feeling "all done", he will want to do the snip-snip. Obviously, I'm not ready to go there. If he doesn't mention the V, then neither will I.

This is just so unlike the rest of our relationship, where we usually just sit down and work things out. Sigh.

~Diane
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#32 of 46 Old 04-12-2007, 04:46 PM
 
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We have one. He is an AMAZING 5 year old. I would like one more, just one more BUT my husband is completely against it for many reasons and so I'm pretty sure we will remain with one. I'm 29 so there is still time but for me we both need to be 100% onboard with a second baby and I really don't think my Dh is going to come around.

Doula, Wife and mom to A (11/23/01) and O (5/7/09)
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#33 of 46 Old 04-12-2007, 05:42 PM
 
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I guess I'm the oddball here... I have one, and I'm certain that I don't want any more. It would be difficult for me to nurture more than one child in the manner that I would wish. I was an only and enjoyed it. Dh wants more... I have no desire to be pregnant again because I do not want to bring back memories of that emotional hell. It would be a recipe for massive ppd afterwards. Dh doesn't comprehend. We'll see in four years or so... and no, I have no natural desire to have more kids. But then, fertility hasn't returned, so I don't really have "natural desires", period.

I don't come here anymore. MDC has become overgrown with ads & useless extra forums.
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#34 of 46 Old 04-13-2007, 03:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much for the continuing discussion, ladies. It's been very informative.

I'm so done with even thinking of being done right now...some days I'll wax romantic about when Ryo was a tiny babe, fantasize about him playing with his brother/sister(S?!). It's totally crazy how I flip and flop about this.

Then many days, I'm so tired and so stressed and so confused and so scared and so conflicted about parenting on soooo many levels that I can hardly function at all. On those days, I want to gouge out my ovaries with a spatula.

I have preemptively diagnosed myself with BPD just recently, and that also is influencing my leanings towards no more. Worrying like heck that I'm going to pass it on either genetically/behaviorally to the one I already have...

But that's a whole 'nother coconut. Who needs a DRINK?
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#35 of 46 Old 04-13-2007, 03:38 AM
 
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I hear what people are saying about people in "baby-making mode" who don't seem to think too strongly about ttc, like its just all fun and games to have another baby. but at the same time, i think having another child is a matter for the heart, and not the head. when dd was about 18 months i started thinking about it--a lot. like, "how old will dd be when the baby is born if i conceive now?" and thinking that every month. thinking it more and more. until finally, i had a serious talk about it with dh. the way i felt about it, the way i thought about it, it wasn't something where i thought about money or time, or any of that. it was just in my heart that i knew i didn't want dd to be an only child, and i didn't want children like 8 years apart, either. i wanted to have another baby, to have that experience again for myself, yes, but i just wanted it for many reasons. and i know that if i didn't do it, i would have been really disappointed and sad about it forever. fortuntely dh was on board and i didn't have to convince him.

it is going to take a lot of will power and pros/cons weighing for me to KNOW that 2 is where we will stop. i know we won't have any more kids. even though for some weird reason i kind of want to. its totally impractical on every level, for many of the reasons people have said here. so i have to fight that "baby-making fertility nut" inside me! and listen to reason.

i think you will know whether you really want to or not. what do your guts really say? do they say "yes yes, money, time blah blah blah, but i WANT another?" or do they say "i kind of want another, but what about MONEY, TIME, ENERGY, etc?!" do your cons outweigh your pros?

L married to J 8 years. Parents to 6 y.o. dd and 3 y.o. ds :nana
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#36 of 46 Old 04-13-2007, 04:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Right now, the cons are ahead by well, a head.

Thanks Lohan, great insight and thoughtfulness in your post.

Sigh. Big decisions suck.
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#37 of 46 Old 04-14-2007, 02:28 PM
 
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my DH is a hardcore enviornmentalist and is not comfortable bringing more people into the world to further drain our already limited resources;

I couldn't agree with this more. I think there should be a limit to how many children parents can have freely to the point where couples have to be approved to plan extra children, or pay the hospital and medical bills for the extra children without tax credits for the additional children too. Yes it does bring the touchy subject of rights to have children. Our world is already over populated and people are living longer. in my family I have over 10 brothers and sisters because people keep devorcing and wanting kids with their new partner, so really each couple only has 1 or 2 kids but the couples are webbed togather. I feel that large families and blended families threaten my DD because of increase need and decreased resources.

That being said we only wanted one child but now want DD to have a sibling on a certain level. I may be wrong but I have this feeling that we can handle adding a second child to the family would be alot easier than it was with the first, just need a little more organization.

My issue is the spacing I want them as close as possible togather, but I want DD to be at a point were it will be easier to handle both. If I don't think I can handle 2 by the time she is 3 years old I think she will be an only child. In a with my oldest sister in her 30's and my youngest 4 I have seen the effects of spacing in different family dynamics.

So really we are undecided, but leaning towards 2 max.
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#38 of 46 Old 04-14-2007, 05:19 PM
 
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What if I just want to spoil the pure tar out of my DS. LOL. Seriously, I was watching a friend of mine handle her DS and new infant and theres NO WAY I can see putting my first off, but I couldn't neglect my second either. I have a hard time satisfying three kids just a few times every month or so, let alone doing it every day.

Maybe, I have some unresolved issues with being the oldest and one day I wasn't the star of the show.
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#39 of 46 Old 04-18-2007, 04:44 PM
 
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Reviving this post

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Originally Posted by Cloth4Colin View Post
I think you will know when you make your decision if it is right for you or not. If you have peace about it, then you are most likely doing the right thing.
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Originally Posted by Lohagrace View Post
i think you will know whether you really want to or not. what do your guts really say? do they say "yes yes, money, time blah blah blah, but i WANT another?" or do they say "i kind of want another, but what about MONEY, TIME, ENERGY, etc?!" do your cons outweigh your pros?
See, I REALLY don't know! Seems most people I talk to feel in their hearts that they either want more or that their family is complete. Sometimes I look at my family of 3 and I can't fathom changing a thing. Sometimes I want another child. There are numerous pros and cons, fears and expectations to both options.

I wish we could leave it up to fate - either get pregnant or not, without trying or not trying - but that's just not an option in a same-gender partnership!
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#40 of 46 Old 04-19-2007, 10:29 PM
 
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Wow, to the PP. I can understand that. ALthough I am in heterosexual relationship. In so many ways I am leaving having another child up to fate and doing what I can to tip the scale in the favor of not having childern.
I can only imagine the magnitued of planning and discussing and working things out when your only option is to plan for future childern.
There is a plus to your situation, if you got pregnant it wouldn't be a devastating blow to your life. It wouldn't be some life changing suprise that turned your world tempoarily upside down. It would be something you knew for sure you wanted.



Denise
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#41 of 46 Old 04-28-2007, 11:25 PM
 
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I've only ever wanted one child and my DH only ever wanted one. Even though we have yet to start TTC, I don't think that this will change. And our reasons are similar to those already stated: both DH and I are only children and liked it quite well that way, we want to be able to lavish our attention on the one child and give him/her all our available resources, and we don't want to add more to the population explosion any more than we have to. We probably wouldn't adopt, because that would cost more money than we otherwise would have available. And if I cannot physically have children, and we have exhausted regular means, we will not go in for infertility treatments like IVF. That sort of intervention goes against my personal beliefs, for I feel that if the universe means for me to have a child, I will be able to conceive naturally. Please do not flame me for that last bit, as I do not mean to judge those who do. I just would not want to do it myself.

And motherhood is not my only ambition. I've wanted a PhD since I was a teenager, and now I'm working on it. I want to be able to use that degree, especially since it costs so much!

Come ponder with me about food!
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#42 of 46 Old 04-29-2007, 01:14 AM
 
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Dh and I are very scared to have another because my pregnancy was very High risk, and it was very hard, but of course well worth it we feel it won't be fair to Kailey if I were sick. I truelly WANT more children though.

familybed1.gifnovaxnocirc.gif nut.gifMommy to my amazing 6 yr old dd, we homeschool.gif, and  27 weeks belly.gifpuke.gifand have been sick the whole time so far, grrrrr!!!!!!!

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#43 of 46 Old 05-01-2007, 04:08 PM
 
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I guess I'm techincally in the undecided camp, though dh and I are both leaning heavily towards not having a second child. I had several miscarriages and corrective surgery before being able to carry our dd to term (and was on 4 months of bedrest with her)-- while I think that we would probably have an easier time, physically, with a subsequent pregnancy, a big part of me is just so happy to have dd here and safe that I'm afraid of starting down that road again. I'm afraid of how ttc and being pg again would affect me physically and emotionally-- and how those changes would affect my ability to continue parenting dd the way that I want to.

My dh is very happy with the idea of being a family of three-- and so am I when I really think about it. I love the relationship that we're each able to have with dd, and the fact that one of us can have some personal time while dd is getting solid, one on one attention with the other parent. My dh is also in a demanding career field, and I feel like I can handle dd on my own if he has to work long hours-- with more than one kid, I'm just not sure how happily I could do that during the busy times. I think alot of it is just that I've chosen to parent in a very intense way- and I don't believe that I could give two children the level of attention that I feel each child deserves (sometimes I get burned out with only one, though I love her to bits!) (and yes, the environmental argument plays very loudly in my mind as well-- but is more of a bonus than a deal-maker to me)

I think the reason I still consider myself "undecided" is because I'm really afraid of closing that door and then regretting our decision later. I think that our culture, with the movies and tv all portraying large families as a big party, really does a lot to tell us that families should have more than one child. I was trying to think of a tv show with a happy family of three and I can't do it-- the only families with singleton children are single-parent families. I wonder if Christmas will feel "right" without a passle of kids. Dh and I each have one sibling, but neither of us are close at all-- so I have noe grand delusions about providing her with a best friend or anything-- but I just have some part of me that feels like we're SUPPOSED to have more kids-- like I'd be giving up something huge, some enormous part of my womanhood, if I decided not to have more children. I don't believe that another child would make us happier (which is why we haven't started on another yet, and have no plans to), but I'm afraid of missing out. I guess I always pictured myself having lots of kids, and that picture is hard to change.
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#44 of 46 Old 05-01-2007, 04:23 PM
 
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I think the reason I still consider myself "undecided" is because I'm really afraid of closing that door and then regretting our decision later. I think that our culture, with the movies and tv all portraying large families as a big party, really does a lot to tell us that families should have more than one child. I was trying to think of a tv show with a happy family of three and I can't do it-- the only families with singleton children are single-parent families. I wonder if Christmas will feel "right" without a passle of kids. Dh and I each have one sibling, but neither of us are close at all-- so I have noe grand delusions about providing her with a best friend or anything-- but I just have some part of me that feels like we're SUPPOSED to have more kids-- like I'd be giving up something huge, some enormous part of my womanhood, if I decided not to have more children. I don't believe that another child would make us happier (which is why we haven't started on another yet, and have no plans to), but I'm afraid of missing out. I guess I always pictured myself having lots of kids, and that picture is hard to change.
I was a singlton

and I can tell you i loooonged for a sib, or more than one. and to this day i kinda do -- though I have been blessed with two sisters in my life (both of whom i have been freinds with over 20 years)

it was kind ok -- sometimes -- but it generally sucked too

ever tried playing a board game with just your dad? (he stayed home with me) or any game (tag, hid and seek) with just your dad? admusment parks aren't all that fun when each ride is set up for 2 people and there are 3 of you.......

I loved reading, and getting to go to the big people stuff and so on ....

but i think i would have been a much differnt kid, more of a kid, with siblings.

DH had 4 and he is amazed at the stuff i never did (play in the mud, build a fort, catch bugs) that to him are normal kids stuff ---

What is even more important is now that i am seeing my folks start to age -- it is ALL ME. we currently live 7 hours away too.

and once my folks are gone -- who will my kids have besides me? no aunts and uncles, no cousions......

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#45 of 46 Old 05-01-2007, 07:57 PM
 
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We had planned on 2, then had a sweet surprise #3. I felt very done after she was born, but starting at around 7 months that changed, and I started to think I really wanted a fourth. That lasted until a couple of months ago, the urge for another always becoming stronger when I ovulated. I don't know what changed, but somehow I just suddenly felt very, very done. DD2 has just weaned, the end of 7 years of breastfeeding total (all 3 kids), and is out of diapers with just a few misses here and there--and sleeping through the night. I think I just realized that 3 is my limit, in terms of my energy and giving of adequate attention to each child, which is challenge enough as it is. I've loved the baby and toddler years (which we're still in, for just a bit longer). I loved pregnancy, had wonderful births, loved the newborn months. But that's over so quickly. The idea of another BABY is nice sometimes, but 3 is the perfect number of CHILDREN for our family. We're also getting a puppy this weekend, and I feel like he is what will ultimately complete our family.

I'm also enjoying some much-needed time with dh. All 3 kids can now stay overnight with my parents and have an absolutely wonderful time. DH and I have been able to have time alone at home, plus go out and enjoy live music, a beer here and there, and the company of other adults. We are connecting in a way we haven't in years, and I'm valuing that so much. I feel like we've found "us" for the first time in a long time. I'm planning to get an IUD very soon to make the chance of pregnancy extremely low.

Finally, I might very well have the opportunity to do some work related to my college degree, in Theatre with a focus on Acting. My dh edits audiobooks for a living, and I have the chance to be a reader, and get paid for it. This is incredibly exciting for me, and it came out of nowhere. It would involve travel, which means leaving my kids (probably not frequently and not for lengthy periods of time), and another baby would definitely make this impossible at some point.

Heather, Mama to DS(10) DD(7.5),DD(6)
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#46 of 46 Old 05-08-2007, 10:13 AM
 
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I haven't read all of the posts, but I can tell you why i choose NOT to be a mom of one. Because *I* was an only child. I was lonely and I remember longing to have a sister to play with. ( I have 2 half bros and 1 half sis, but they are 12 years older than i , and never lived with us) I always said when i have kids i'm having at least 2. Well Dh agreed ( he wanted as many as we could have ,he was raised catholic) After we had 2, we not so cautiously became pregnant with a 3rd that we lost, and we were devistated, so we tried for our son, got pregnant right away. Well we TRIED to stop at three, but as you see , God had a greater plan


Oh I agree with the above post, my mom passed away from Multiple Sclerosis w/ kidney failure. It was all on me and I just wish there would have been another person to share that grief, and emotion with, becasue noone loved her like me. Had I had a sibling, I might have gotten through it a bit easier............
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