Mamis of one, tell me why you aren't having any more/why you are/undecided? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 01:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been giving A LOT of thought these past few months as to whether or not to have more children.

My first instinct has always been no. I have my hands full already with the one I have, many personal issues to deal with, and many conflicting goals. More children would mean more chaos in an already chaotic environment. Not always a bad thing, chaos, but I'm not sure I could handle any stronger of a gale force wind!

Anyway, mamis of one, let's talk about onlies. Let's really talk. Those who have decided on being a family of three, those who want more children in the future, and those who remain undecided (probably the category I belong in, at the moment).

Pros, cons, family reactions, struggles, challenges, advantages, feelings, practical concerns, all of it. Talk to me, mamis!
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#2 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 01:24 AM
 
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my dh would like to remain with just one, but i have not yet decided. he likes the level of peace in the house. he likes the dynamic of the 3 of us, says that having another one would break that togetherness. he likes the idea of us travelling and it being easier and more affordable with just one. we are both afraid of having a totally different child - our one has been such an easy and calm and wonderful baby. he worries that we would each have to be with one child, say at a restaurant, instead of talking to each other or to our daughter. we have seen many a couple that looks totally haggard and stressed with their two little ones. everything is so easy with our one, and she is just perfect in our eyes. i guess in a way we wonder how much better could life get? it's weird because if we had another one i know (and he admits too) that we would love that baby like crazy. in summary, we are asking: why ruin a wonderful thing?

all my sisters have multiple kids, and i do see lots of positives to having more than one, though. that's why i just have not made up my mind yet.

also, i see the way my daughter looks at siblings playing in stores, and i see how amused she is by their games, and i think about how much more fun she might have if she had a sibling to play with, rather than just us boring adults.
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#3 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 01:30 AM
 
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My dd is only 4 mo so I am no where near adding another at this point but I go back and forth in my head about having more. One the one hand I could have 10 kids I enjoy my dd so much. OTOH I have lots of other things I would like to do and I am really overwhelmed with my dd and have had bad ppd. I just can't imagine taking care of another child while taking care of an infant-it seems so hard to me. My dh is an only child and doesn't want my dd to be one because he wishes he had a sibling. He also had a drug addict/dealer dad and a very detatched and workaholic mother so maybe he would feel differently if he had been attatched and nurtured more by his parents. I have one sister who is ten years younger. We are so close and honestly I don't know if I would be alive today with out her because I went through terrible depression and she was my motivation to survive. My plan is to wait and see and not rush into anything. My hormones are telling me to have another one right now My brain and my dh say no because it just wouldn't be right at this time. Please no flames from big families but I also feel that overpopulation and consumption are such an environmental issue that maybe I should only have one or two- OTOH eight kids raised in an environmentally aware family will probably consume less in a lifetime that one raised in superconsuming mainstream American home!
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#4 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 01:40 AM
 
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oh yes i wanted to add too that my dh was an only child, and loved it! i had 4 siblings and things were rough at times. we didn't always get along but now that we're grown, i can't imagine not having my siblings.

my dh says his only regret in being an only child is that when his mom dies, he won't have anyone to go through it with, someone else who can really understand and grieve together with him.
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#5 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 01:40 AM
 
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I have been thinking a lot about this very thing lately... how many children do I want? I used to think 3, maybe 4, but that was before I had 1!! Now, I think at least one more, but not anytime soon. I miss time alone with my husband, I miss my sleep, I miss being able to go to the movies when I feel like it, etc. But I LOVE my ds & the time I am so blessed to be able to share with him... I guess I am just looking forward to the day when he is a bit more independent and I can focus on personal goals once again. So where does the next baby fit in? I don't know...

I think about my ds though and the thought of him growing up close to siblings fills me with joy. I have one brother, and I always wished for more siblings. There is a bond that is created between siblings that can't be replicated in any other relationship in life (IMO) and I guess I just feel like ds deserves the chance to experience that. That said, I think that only children can be very happy and have many fulfilling relationships... it is a personal choice for parents, but there are many considerations. Whatever you choose will be right for you and your family.

sarah, mama to e & j 8/08, and big brother 8/06
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#6 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 05:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Lilysmama, I know what you mean about not being able to imagine caring for a newborn and an older child(ren). I seriously cannot even fathom that right now...

Thanks for the replies everyone. This is becoming a pretty difficult decision for me to make.

One of the things I struggle with the most is the fact that I am so extremely antisocial. I hardly ever go anywhere or do anything, I don't like being around people, I'm really getting pretty boring in my old age...I'm afraid that, as an only, this will be detrimental to my son's ability to get out into the world and make friends/a life for himself (of course, this could be just as much if not more of a problem with more than one child, but seems especially troublesome for onlies as they lack even a sibling to interact with).

Anyone have any advice for me? Any other social-phobic mamis of one out there want to share?

Thanks!
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#7 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 09:40 AM
 
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Do a search in Parenting--there a bunch of threads on this.

For us: We feel absolutely complete as a family of three. Gut has a lot to do with it. Everyone said, "Oh, you'll change your mind when she's a little bigger," but we feel more and more certain with each passing day.

Other reasons: We do not feel capable, honestly, of having another. For reasons I don't understand, parenting seems more difficult for us than it is for other people--it's not the baby, BTW, who is very easy-going and good-tempered. We do not feel like we could do this again. I feel very strongly about staying home with my kid, and I don't want to put off my own career for another 3/4 years AFTER this one is school age. We had (and still have) enormous bfing challenges, and I would rather not go through that again. I miss sleeping. We like the financial flexibility that comes with having just one, particularly as we will almost certainly send her to private school. We like flexibility iin other ways--ease of traveling with her, etc.

That said, all of those reasons above would be meaningless if we really wanted another. There are practical reasons to have only one, but I think those aren't really "convincing" if you feel strongly that you just want another child.

Dh and I both have siblings (he has 1, I have 4) and, frankly, we could take or leave them. We have decent relationships with 3/5, virtually no relationship with the other 2. We like them fine, but we don't have those superclose, best friend relationships with them. For difficult life issues, we generally seek support elswhere. Having a lot of siblings does mean that dd has lots of cousins, including one is 3 months older than her and a girl on the way who will be a little less than a year younger than her. That girl, my sister's baby (due in a few weeks) will also be an only, so we will work to make sure the girls do lots of things together.

I do think it's important as the parent of an only to make sure you give your child lots of opportunities to socialize with other kids--right now, we do weekly story hour at the local bookstore, La Leche League, NINO meetings, plus get-togethers with our friends' babies and dd's cousins and trips tothe playground a few times a week. I just like getting her out to experience new people and places and other kids.
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#8 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 10:02 AM
 
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We are pretty sure we are going to stay with just one. We feel like our family is perfect just the way it is. Pregnancy, birth, and the babymoon were amazing and beautiful; I am content having had those experiences, but I don't neccessarily need to have them again. And next time it might not all be so wonderful.

Also, long before we were ready to have a baby, I felt (and still do, but to a different degree) that it was ecologically irresponsible to have more than 2 kids, considering that our environmental problems are all related to overpopulation around the world and overconsumption in our culture. Even those of us who try to tread lightly leave an impact, as do all of our children.

We live in a community with lots of like-minded people and babies, so I'm not concerned about dd having kids to play with. It's rural here, so we don't have close neighbors, but there is still a pretty tight group of young families. Because of this, OP, I can't really relate to your preference to stay away from social situations. Do you want to find ways to be more social or do you want to make up for the lack of social interaction at home with your ds?
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#9 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 11:14 AM
 
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#10 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 11:46 AM
 
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DD is only 4 mos, but we knew we would only be having one before we even conceived. For us the reasons in the beginning were mostly practical: we live in boston where housing is tiny and overpriced so we could never afford enough space for a large family; we fly home to see family once a year, we could not do this if we had to buy more than 3 plane tickets each time; it's really important that I am able to be a SAHM, again money; my DH is a hardcore enviornmentalist and is not comfortable bringing more people into the world to further drain our already limited resources; I was an only child and actually liked it, I was very close to my mom and I know that relationship would have been different if I had siblings; My DH does have a brother, but they barely speak, so we know having more than one does not always mean they will be close.

Now that DD here I feel totally fine with our decision. She's a sweet and easy baby, but it's still A LOT of work. I don't really think I would want to do this baby thing again, even though I love it now. Also, things just feel right for us. We feel really comfortable with this being our family and don't think it needs to be changed a bit.
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#11 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 11:51 AM
 
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We have 3, had planned on two. DD2 was a sweet surpise. She and dd1 are about 19 months apart. I definitely didn't feel done after dd1 (our second child). Even after dd2, once she turned about a year I went back and forth all the time, either feeling done and contented, or really wanting one more. DH is defitely done. And as of the last couple of months, I am finally feeling done and glad to be in that place. Our 3 are intense and energetic. DD1 is spirited and challenging. Well, all 3 are challenging (and wonderful, of course) in their own way. Now that I'm getting "time off," either with dh when my mom is watching all 3 kids, or by myself or with mama girlfriends when dh is, I'm realizing that I don't want to "start over" again with the baby years. I'm looking forward to family hikes when no one has to be carried the whole time, to easier family trips, to overnights alone with dh (which we are doing for the first time this weekend, yay!), to having time to knit more, read more, take fun classes, exercise, etc. I LOVE the baby years, love birth and pregnancy. But they only last so long. And I'm actually ready to be done with breastfeeding and we're starting to gently wean dd2.

I feel that if we had another baby, my energy and attention would be spread too thin. With our girls being closely spaced, it's already a challenge to give enough to all 3 kids. I think every parent has his or her limit as to how much she or he can handle, and I know that we've reached ours. It feels really good to be completely at peace about this.

Heather, Mama to DS(10) DD(7.5),DD(6)
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#12 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 11:51 AM
 
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not sure if ia msupposed to pst -- we have one and are currently poreggo with number 2 and if God likes out intent then the family will top out with 4 kids over the next 5 years.

Here were / are our thoughts.

I was an only and did NOT want that for my child. I love DS and I love being with him all day. I liked being an ONLY -- but that was when i was young. no i see the reality of mom and dad getting old and it is jsut me. Dad took 95% care of his ages parents, but my Aunt was able to help with stuff like trips, holidays, and dealing with admin stuff..... My mom does 90% of the care of her parents, but Uncle S helps with teh yard, the house and the physical stuff and Aunt P or Aunt M help when asked with driving and stuff. welllllllllllllll it is JUST me and DH when My folks get old. not that i mind taking care of them, but emontionally i have seen how nice it is to have back up... somehting i won't have (actually i will, I have 2 freinds, one since i was 3 and one since i was 10 who love my folks and who will back me up as needed -- but that is a Blessing, and not an automatic YK?). So as nice as it was to be an only at 7, i will make up for it at 47. YK?

DH was one of 5.

We have always agreed that will will have more than one child.... it was to be 3 or 4 depending on if we had a 2nd pregancy -- as we want to adopt sib set (so maybe 5???? total). We know we are blessed, we want to be more blessed.

We see this new baby as a gift for DS. A blessing for his future. My bestfreind's dad is very sick (terminal) and her mom is having a very hard time -- but she has a sister..... When something happens to me and DH -- be in when we are 90 or when the kids are in pre-school -- I want DS not to be alone in whatever he faces.

I LOVE being a mom -- it is all i ever wanted to be, and it is all i ever want o be. i love every stange (yes i would like more sleep too). This is what I want to be. I don't care about movies, or dinners ot at fancy places, DH and I enjoy doing things with DS moire than alone...................my granparents had 5, they have 8 granddaughters and 12 greatgrandkids -- 7 of which are with in 2 years of each other -- i lookforward to a day when i have my family all around me like they do.

my 2 cents worth

Aimee

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#13 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 03:15 PM
 
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Completely UNDECIDED!!
I have one. My DS has two other that don't live with us. Its really nice to have just our son. HE did after all pick us.

The reality is, I had my DS in my Sophmore year of college. I am about to graduate, and the career beckons...or not. I could have another child and relax for another 4 or so years and possibly continue my education, or I could decide not to have another child and start my career. I Really, REALLY, don't like the idea of having a child mid career, unless I find that my career isn't well suited for me and I want to change.
Aside from my career, I love just having my DS around. Usually its just me and him. I have also put A LOT of energy into raising him, and it will take a lot more. I don't think I have the energy to AP another child with teh commitment that I have with my DS. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, all on an extended timeline. IF I have another child it could be almost 10 years before I am done breastfeeding and co-sleeping.

The other factor is that my DF is 40. He admits that he loves our son, but he cannot keep up. He's not sure if he can stand to have another baby/toddler period. Plus, he has two other childern who come to visit. He feels the financial obligation to him, dispite the fact things would be much easier if they lived with us.

So I am completely undecided.

Denise
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#14 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 03:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's always good to hear the opinions/perspectives of others, especially mamis.

Several things, though...

One of my main motivations for being done with having children is the fact that being a mami is *not* all I ever wanted. In fact, being a mami was something I never wanted, until I was one. Long story, but basically the deal when I got pregnant was that I would gestate, give birth, then give my son to his father. That was to be the extent of my contribution. It was only very late in the pregnancy that I had a change of heart.

So here I am. In an unplanned, unexpected life situation. Struggling daily with the implications and pressures of parenthood. With hardly any support. Fighting back post-partum psychosis with all my might, every minute. Where many mothers express their elation and joy and profound contentment with the early days/weeks/months of parenting (indeed, a lifetime of caretaking and constant sacrifice at the expense of all else), I can only lament and wallow in my fear, my discomfort, my difficulties.

Having and caring for this child has been the most frightening, challenging, painful (physically, emotionally, mentally), and overwhelming thing I've ever done. I truly wish I could ascribe positive connotations to all of the above, but I can't. It's been unimaginably hard for me. Sometimes I don't know if I made the right decision, if doing this is in the best interests of anyone. I just don't know, but every day I get up and try again. That's my best answer, and my only solution right now.

I do care about nice dinners. Movies. Going out with my best friend. Reading. Writing. Daydreaming. SLEEPING. Playing volleyball. Taking long walks. Enjoying, really enjoying a meal...savoring the wine and lingering over dessert. All of these things I take pleasure in, help make life more enjoyable and worth living, give me the strength and centering I need to keep on going. Without them, I suffer tremendously. I lose focus and slip into despair, forget who I am and why I bother with anything. In short, all that is exclusively me, which is to say my personhood and sense of self, dies. Without it, I cease to function.

It seems as though I am part of a very, very, very small minority who will actually admit to not being fulfilled by motherhood. That I care about having a life of my own, and find no transcendence in constant childcare. I don't believe the people brave enough to come out of the 'blissful motherhood' closet and say these things are the only ones feeling them. Not by a long shot. I so wish more parents would admit to being mere mortals in this respect and stop reinforcing the damaging notion that if you're not utterly enamored of your child (or children) and everything they do 100% of the time, you're a bad parent, even a bad person. So much harm is done to those of us who can't or won't pretend to be Mom/Dadbots.

Anyway, I just needed to get that out. I love my son. He's a sweet, darling little thing and can and has brought me into such amazing moments of tenderness. But, he's not the only person in my life. Having him was not the ultimate purpose of my existence. There are many other things I want to do, to see, to accomplish. I'm quite invested in these things, they add to my quality of life in a way that motherhood alone never could.

I guess I've answered my own question, then. Rambling, rambling...
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#15 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 03:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by cjuniverse View Post
Lilysmama, I know what you mean about not being able to imagine caring for a newborn and an older child(ren). I seriously cannot even fathom that right now...

Thanks for the replies everyone. This is becoming a pretty difficult decision for me to make.

One of the things I struggle with the most is the fact that I am so extremely antisocial. I hardly ever go anywhere or do anything, I don't like being around people, I'm really getting pretty boring in my old age...I'm afraid that, as an only, this will be detrimental to my son's ability to get out into the world and make friends/a life for himself (of course, this could be just as much if not more of a problem with more than one child, but seems especially troublesome for onlies as they lack even a sibling to interact with).

Anyone have any advice for me? Any other social-phobic mamis of one out there want to share?

Thanks!
Yes. this is me exactly. I struggle with the same feelings. We have pretty much decided that we are only going to have one child. I was an only child and my husband comes from a family of 5 kids. I absolutely loved being an only child and I have a wonderful adult relationship with my parents. My husband, on the other hand, didn't get to spend all that much time with his parents growing up and has a very different relationship with them. Not a bad one, just really different. Out of his 4 siblings, he really only gets along well with one. He feels the same way that I do about it. He prefers the dynamic of three. Many of you have already written very eloquently about your reasons for only wanting one. Especially cjuniverse (you are not the only one who feels like that), NYCVeg and ecoteat. We too, never intended to have any children for many reasons. I very unexpectedly became pregnant and we found out on the day of our five year anniversary. Our son has been the best and most amazing thing that has ever happened to us, and by far the most stressful and challenging as well. He was and continues to be very high-needs/spirited, intense(I don't know how else to describe him). I guess I think of parenting as a job that deserves my 100% and I don't think I could give 100% if I had another. We decided that we would raise our child the best way we knew possible and that includes extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, me staying at home, etc... I don't even want to think about breastfeeding and caring for another infant while trying to deal with my son. And I so look forward to spending a lot of time with him as he grows older. We really want to do a lot of traveling and that would not be possible with more kids, at least not for many years. As far as being pretty anti-social; my son seems to be the complete opposite and I know that my personality will probably have little impact on his ability to make friends as he gets older. And if he turns out to be shy and introverted like me, then so be it. I don't think it's a bad thing. I doubt that having a sibling would make much of a difference. We have so much fun, just the three of us, and I really can't imagine it any other way.
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#16 of 46 Old 04-06-2007, 05:51 PM
 
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Quote:
One of my main motivations for being done with having children is the fact that being a mami is *not* all I ever wanted. In fact, being a mami was something I never wanted, until I was one. Long story, but basically the deal when I got pregnant was that I would gestate, give birth, then give my son to his father. That was to be the extent of my contribution. It was only very late in the pregnancy that I had a change of heart.

So here I am. In an unplanned, unexpected life situation. Struggling daily with the implications and pressures of parenthood. With hardly any support. Fighting back post-partum psychosis with all my might, every minute. Where many mothers express their elation and joy and profound contentment with the early days/weeks/months of parenting (indeed, a lifetime of caretaking and constant sacrifice at the expense of all else), I can only lament and wallow in my fear, my discomfort, my difficulties.

Having and caring for this child has been the most frightening, challenging, painful (physically, emotionally, mentally), and overwhelming thing I've ever done. I truly wish I could ascribe positive connotations to all of the above, but I can't. It's been unimaginably hard for me. Sometimes I don't know if I made the right decision, if doing this is in the best interests of anyone. I just don't know, but every day I get up and try again. That's my best answer, and my only solution right now.

I do care about nice dinners. Movies. Going out with my best friend. Reading. Writing. Daydreaming. SLEEPING. Playing volleyball. Taking long walks. Enjoying, really enjoying a meal...savoring the wine and lingering over dessert. All of these things I take pleasure in, help make life more enjoyable and worth living, give me the strength and centering I need to keep on going. Without them, I suffer tremendously. I lose focus and slip into despair, forget who I am and why I bother with anything. In short, all that is exclusively me, which is to say my personhood and sense of self, dies. Without it, I cease to function.

It seems as though I am part of a very, very, very small minority who will actually admit to not being fulfilled by motherhood. That I care about having a life of my own, and find no transcendence in constant childcare. I don't believe the people brave enough to come out of the 'blissful motherhood' closet and say these things are the only ones feeling them. Not by a long shot. I so wish more parents would admit to being mere mortals in this respect and stop reinforcing the damaging notion that if you're not utterly enamored of your child (or children) and everything they do 100% of the time, you're a bad parent, even a bad person. So much harm is done to those of us who can't or won't pretend to be Mom/Dadbots.
I think in that situation I'd be done

the mental health issues would make me done, we've been blessed that despite serious depression in my past i have not had PPD.

I think the "not being fullfilled by motherhood" would make me done too.

AImee

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#17 of 46 Old 04-08-2007, 02:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks again for all the replies, everyone! It's good to know I'm not alone in some of the ways I've been feeling, and that there is a place for validation for even this.

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#18 of 46 Old 04-08-2007, 04:29 PM
 
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cjuniverse- Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings about motherhood. I actually do have days now where I love being a mama and think I could be fullfilled by mothering full time for the rest of my life-but there are many days that I really don't enjoy it and yearn for something different to do! I miss working and having a "career path", I miss my freedom and the idea that my life is completely up for grabs and open to whatever I want. Knowing that the next two decades are going to be mainly devoted to my daughter is soemtimes a hard pill to swallow, other days I am elated by the idea that I have purpose/plan/committment. I have really struggled and continue to struggle with ppd and I know that I am slipping back into it on the days I really resent my dd-not to say that it is always ppd when mothers feels this way, but for me it is a good indicator of how depressed I am!
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#19 of 46 Old 04-10-2007, 11:30 PM
 
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I have one very challenging (though very lovely) 3.5yo ds, and I am coming to think that I am done. We originally planned 2, dh still would like a 2nd. But I struggle a lot. I am not "fulfilled" by motherhood, though I love my ds absolutely. I feel that so much of myself got submerged by the needs and demands of having a child, and I'm just now beginning to be at the point where I may be able to start to have an identity again. The thought of going back to the beginning again makes me feel horrified.

I also have to say that I know that my ds's personality, and mine, have something to do with this. He is an extroverted, noisy, rebellious person. I admire those qualities in many ways, but as a quiet, introverted, non-boat-rocker I often feel "assaulted" by my ds's personality. The thought of another person with his personality living in my house would make me want to move out

I still have mixed feelings, though. I wonder if in some ways he would be less challenging if he had a sib. I know I would love a second child if I had one. Also, I am afraid of ds having to take responsibility for us when we're old, and also that eventually he will be "alone" in the world. But I think a lot of that is my own fears and issues.
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#20 of 46 Old 04-11-2007, 12:49 AM
 
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I have a question, since we all seem to be in a similar place about being done with having childern.

Do you guys feel a natural desire to have more kids?

I have friends all around me who are in the Baby making mode and they are constantly trying to have childern. Either planning to TTC, or in the works, or just having sex all of the time with no birth control ect.
Several of my friends says their bodies have this uncontrolable desire to get pregnant.

I don't have any of these feelings. Infact, I have been doubling up on BC, diaphragm, with NFP, and I think I might use VCF, just incase I Don't get enough spermicide gel on the diaphragm. LOL. I also feel like that's why my sex drive, while back after 2 years of bc, isn't anything like it was in the early days of my relationship with my DF.

Thoughts??
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#21 of 46 Old 04-11-2007, 12:50 AM
 
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I have one child, but his father has a daughter that ds doesn't see very often. Dh and I would like to have another child soon. Dh only wants one more, but I'm thinking I would like to have 2 more. Dh has 2 brothers and I have one brother, I really wouldn't like to just have one child. Most of the only children I have known have grown up to be spoiled, and very rotten. I know that's all on the parents, but I believe that having more than one helps teach them how to play well with others and how to share and get along with other people. However, ds is six now and will likely be 7 by the time #2 comes along. I can't wait to add to my family and am greatly looking forward to meeting my future child. Whatever you decide to do will be the right thing for your family. When ds was 1 there was no way I was ready to expand, but now that he's more able to take care of himself I feel it's now the right time to add on. HTH!

Elizabeth wife to Matt , mom to Logan (2/21/01) , and little man Desmond (9/23/08)

Mourning the loss of her father: Robert Edward Dillon 5/31/52 - 01/03/2011

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#22 of 46 Old 04-11-2007, 02:31 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cutekid View Post
I have a question, since we all seem to be in a similar place about being done with having childern.

Do you guys feel a natural desire to have more kids?

I have friends all around me who are in the Baby making mode and they are constantly trying to have childern. Either planning to TTC, or in the works, or just having sex all of the time with no birth control ect.
Several of my friends says their bodies have this uncontrolable desire to get pregnant.

I don't have any of these feelings. Infact, I have been doubling up on BC, diaphragm, with NFP, and I think I might use VCF, just incase I Don't get enough spermicide gel on the diaphragm. LOL. I also feel like that's why my sex drive, while back after 2 years of bc, isn't anything like it was in the early days of my relationship with my DF.

Thoughts??
I don't feel a natural desire to have more kids, and even if I did, I think that I would be able to control myself. My desire to not have more overrides any hormonal goofiness that may be going on at any given time. Honestly, the women who are in "baby making mode" drive me nuts. I'm not saying this to be mean, but it's true. To me, having children is not something I take lightly at all, and some of these people seem to put little or no thought into their decisions. I have seen far too many people that I know personally have way too many kids and not be able to handle it very well. I know that this isn't the case with everyone, there are many people who have multiple children who are great parents. I like to think logically and rationally about decisions of this magnitude before I let my hormonal urge to spawn more children take over. Questions like; do we have enough money to provide adequately for another child?, and do I have the ability to breastfeed and co-sleep with this infant for the next 2-6 years? and am I in the position to forgo my career aspirations for another ten years and not be resentful about it? come into play when my husband and I discuss this issue. Some may think this attitude is selfish, and most can't fathom why we wouldn't want at least one more, but I honestly feel it's the opposite.
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#23 of 46 Old 04-11-2007, 02:57 PM
 
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I think I DO have this natural (maybe an instinct, or something) desire to have more kids. But my logical mind WAY overrides it. I do feel a twinge when friends are pregnant or having babies. I even have days where I want to be pregnant. But I "know" that I am either done or not ready, and so I usually ignore it.
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#24 of 46 Old 04-11-2007, 03:28 PM
 
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We are still working on #1, but we do plan on only one.

Many of the reasons are the same as some of the other posters:
  • Finances in general - SAHM, education, organic food, health care expenses, insurance, transportation all come into play.
  • Unless we move out of the U.S. with a better education system we feel we must send our child to private school. I don’t want him/her to struggle with a piss poor educational system as I did.
  • We love to travel
  • DP is going to be 50 this year. (factor for us)
  • Also, I have fertility issues. I don’t want to go through the pain, heartbreak, energy and stress of ttc a third baby (#1 was stillborn) while trying to take care of our child.

Of course, things can change once if we do have a child. We may decide we want one more, or we may end up with twins. Things may change financially for us in a good way. We may also decide one is enough.
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#25 of 46 Old 04-11-2007, 09:14 PM
 
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I have really enjoyed reading everyone's replies. This is a very sensitive subject for me, and I get great therapy out of digesting everyone else's feelings on the subject. I guess I'll chime in, too.

We have one lovely DD, who just turned 5. My DH is completely content with one, while I would like to have another. I don't care if the second child is biologically ours, or adopted.

DH's reasons for feeling happy with our family of three include:

1. Has has one sibling, a brother who is two years younger than he. He and his brother fought CONSTANTLY when he was growing up. They have no relationship now, to speak of. He says having a second child is no guarantee of a friend for life, and could end up being a rough ride. Why rock the boat?

2. He doesn't feel he has the energy for another. We have been building our own house (really, building it with our own hands) for over 3 years now. The house should be done by next year. It has been incredibly stressful, and he is just emotionally depleted by it.

3. He's afraid of making more parenting mistakes. He felt a lot of resentment growing up because his brother was often favored, and I think he is horrified by the thought that HE might (unwittingly) be the big, unfair ogre of a parent if there were two kids.

4. He is ready for DD to have her own room. We have been co-sleeping since day 1 with her. He knows that if we have another, there will be another kid in our bed for years to come.

5. I am the breadwinner. If we have another child (bio or adopted), I will need to take a maternity leave. I refuse to take the paltry 12 week standard leave, so we would probably take quite a financial hit for me to stay home for a while.

6. He is (like earthgirl's partner) a hardcore environmentalist, and is opposed to adding to the population problem. I put this last because I would consider an adopted child, so this reasons could be negated.

My reasons for wanting another include:

1. I was an only child growing up, and I HATED IT! We lived out in the country, with no other kids around, and I was really lonely. I remember telling myself that I would NEVER have just one child. So this idea that our DD might be our only is really hard for me to reconcile.

2. I loved pregnancy and birth. It was a totally transformative experience. I remember thinking in the weeks after our DD was born, "I could do this 5 more times!" Sometimes I have post-apocalyptic fantasies about living in a de-populated world and having a whole passle of kids! I know, it's silly, especially given DH's reason number 6, but it is part of me and I can't ignore it.

3. I have two half-sisters from my dad's second marriage. We didn't grow up together, so that's why I consider myself an only child in my childhood. But now I don't feel like an only child, because my sisters and I have developed very nice friendships since we are adults. I am hopeful that if we have a second child, our DD will get this kind of friendship. It's really great.

4. Since my mom didn't have any more kids, I really feel the burden of caring for her as she ages. She is having mental health issues, and it is all on me.

5. Our DD just LOVES little kids. She will go out of her way to care for other people's babies, even strangers (like the owner of the consignment shop we were in over the weekend). I remember when my dad and his second wife had their first baby, I was 6. I was SO EXCITED!! I think the age difference between our DD and a second child would be a big factor in reducing sibling rivalry, and I know that DD would be a great helper. With this in mind, I don't think the baby/toddler years would be as exhausting with the second as it was with the first

6. I am also a hardcore environmentalist, but since I feel such an urge to have a second, I can compromise at not *adding* to the population problem. (two children being considered simply "replacement") This is why I am comfortable with our second child being biologically ours. I also look around at lots of couples we know who are not choosing to have kids at all. I think, if my DH is OK with each couple having one kid, then us having a second is sort of like having one of "theirs" (that they didn't choose to have). He doesn't buy it, but it makes sense to me. I also feel that raising up children to be thoughtful, non-materialistic, and to make a positive change in the world, counterbalances their use of resources to some extent.

So, we are still at an impasse. I will turn 35 next week, and I'm feeling like I want to make this decision in the next year or so. At the same time, I know that if I push DH he will solidify his opinion of "we're done" all the faster.

Patience, patience...it's so hard!!

Thanks for the chance to think through this. I haven't made such a succinct list before. It really helped!

Good luck to all of you who might be in the undecided camp, like me.

~Diane
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#26 of 46 Old 04-12-2007, 11:14 AM
 
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2. He doesn't feel he has the energy for another. We have been building our own house (really, building it with our own hands) for over 3 years now. The house should be done by next year. It has been incredibly stressful, and he is just emotionally depleted by it.
we did this too -- SUCKED BIG TIME -- I got pregant a few months into it -- so i was pregant the whole time.

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#27 of 46 Old 04-12-2007, 11:25 AM
 
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Aimee,

It's nice to hear from someone "on the other side". Sometimes we look at each other and think, are we completely nuts? : Why did we think building our own house was going to be FUN?

Well, we have been living in a run-down 500 sq ft, 1BR house that was standing on the property when we bought it. So, if I got pregnant now ... I would panic!

Although, the strangest thing happened last night. We are going on a big vacation next week - to Hawaii!! - and during vacation we will be celebrating our birthdays. (mine and DH's) Last night I told him that I had a surprise for him, that I was going to wait to tell him about, but he was pretty down and I thought it would pick him up. He was hugging me, and looked right in my eyes, and said "You're pregnant?" WITH A SMILE! I was so shocked, I scoffed and said "No, that wouldn't be a good birthday surprise for you." I was kinda sorry I said that afterward. Maybe he is considering, even just a little bit, that a second child would be good? Ack - I'm probably reading way too much into it. (BTW, the surprise is that he and our DD are going to take an aerial tour of Kauai while I go horseback riding. )

~Diane
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#28 of 46 Old 04-12-2007, 11:41 AM
 
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well being preggo on sub floor -- with no kitchen, no rail on the stairs, and so on was an expereince. I had to stay at moms a lot when he was varnishing floors and so on.......

We got a kitchen when i was 7 month along........

but sounds to me like your DH wants a "surprise" not a "planned". BIL was like this ..... he couldn't bare to "plan a 3rd" given some limited gentic issues in HIS family..... but he refused to wear rubbers and so on -- we knew he wanted one (esp the way he was with mine) so sis said fine if he isn't gonna worry, i am not ... and her EDD is 4 days afte rmy EDD !!!!! and BIL is estatic -- some men just can't plan them

Aimee

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#29 of 46 Old 04-12-2007, 12:20 PM
 
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I have pretty much stayed out of this because I never had an only (well, I had one for 10 minutes but taking her sister into the world wasn't really a choice ).

I really feel like having / raising children is such a personal choice. Rivka (dd3) was not planeed (no, I did NOT TTC when I had two 7 month olds , but she has really been a blessing. My three girls are very close, and I know that can change as they grow up, but it's a beautiful thing now. Their newest game is one of the twins calling "I LIKE Riky" and she comes over and hugs and then the other goes "I LIKE Riky" and she runs over to hug sis #2. It's a great thing to watch.

I have one brother and we fought like crazy growing up, much more than "normal" I never remember us even playign a game togther. As adults we don't have anything in common, but we do get along and talk on holidays / b-days. He loves my kids and is thinking of making a trip to Israel to see us next year when we go back. So even though we had a terrible relationship growing up, it's okay now. My mother always wanted a third and my dad wasn't comfortable with it b/c of finances. Well FF 20 years my mom was really upset because they could have easily afforded a third, but by the time my dad was comfy my mom was too old. She told me it took her about 20 years to get over it I would never TTC if I didn't have a secure place to live or my dh was unemployed or we couldn't put food on the table, but I also don't feel I need to be able to give my children "everything." We are planning on moving into a 4 bedroom, 1600 sq foot apartment next year forever. No, my kids won't have their own rooms, but they will have a safe, comfortable place to grow up we can afford.

Anyway my .02 for what it's worth

Mom to:

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One little boy ROTFLMAO.gif(6) and a full on toddler diaper.gif  (8/12) born with TAPVR heartbeat.gif (repaired at 6 days old).

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#30 of 46 Old 04-12-2007, 12:26 PM
 
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We had the same indecisive thoughts when we just had DS...I was on the fence for a long time. In the end, we decided we wanted to have another to give DS a playmate...and I couldn't see myself never being pregnant/giving birth again. I felt like there was a piece to our puzzle missing, too.

I think you will know when you make your decision if it is right for you or not. If you have peace about it, then you are most likely doing the right thing.
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