Did your DP change their mind about wanting another? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 09-30-2007, 07:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi,

My Dh and I are young (24 and 25) and we have a 15mo dd. She was not planned but we are thrilled now that she is a part of our lives. I really want more kids..like 4 or 5 more..but I am thinking I will only get to squeeze maybe one or two more out of Hubby. My problem is, he never wants to talk about having more. Anytime I say something about giving dd a sibling, he says "no way".. he has told me before that he wants to wait a loooooong time before having another one. It really breaks my heart when he makes these comments to me. I want to dream and start to look forward to the whole process again but I feel like I always get "SHUT DOWN". My H is a very much in the moment type person..I think it's very challenging for him to plan out the future. I on the other hand "have" to know everything..I like to plan and have a timeline..I have goals and work hard at achieving those goals. So, how do I deal with this in an effective way? I know that I sometimes say to much about having our next baby and it can get overwhelming but it's mostly my nature. Is my H the only one like this? I have friends that are already having or talking about having baby #2. I'm getting nervous, what if he never comes around?? Maybe I think about it too much..I don't know..I just know how much dd has made our lives soo much richer and I know that I know that there are more babies for us.

Melissa loving my DH and DD(4yr)hearts.gif Most likely in my garden. Two angel.gif that I'll remember forever. My baby is here!!! Ethan Matthew came at 42 weeks on 5/19/10 9.10 lbs hbac.gif
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#2 of 12 Old 09-30-2007, 09:29 PM
 
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It took my DH almost 4 years to want another. It took me 3 years, so I spent a year in limbo, hoping & wishing he'd come around. .. and he did. We're currently ttc #2: .

I can only say that he came around when I least expected it. I made a great effort to respect his opinion & wasn't trying to change his mind (although I dearly wanted to! ).

For my DH, it was me giving him space, after I had let my feelings be known. And it was A LOT of space - for a year. He knew I wasn't changing my mind, but I wasn't pressuring him, you know?

For me, leaving him to come around in his own time was worth it, because now I know he is 100% on board with fathering another child.

Good luck to you!
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#3 of 12 Old 10-01-2007, 12:10 AM
 
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We're in the exact same boat (as the OP). I want more, DH is dead set against it.

I'm hoping that as DS (22mos) gains more independence (DH's one argument is that i "still haven't gotten that one off the tit or out of the bed: ) he'll open up tot he idea. Money's an issue for him too- I'm working PT, and not having htat part of the income would be somewhat stressful. Once I find a FT job in the profession I'm qualified for (teacher) we'll be laughing....and babymaking hopefully!!:

Laurie, wife to guitar.gifDH (Aug/04), mom tobikenew.gifDS1 (Nov/05) and bfinfant.gifDS2 (June/12).

 

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#4 of 12 Old 10-02-2007, 07:46 PM
 
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My DH changed his mind after 3 years. He was absolutely set against having any more. He was even talking vasectomy. Now three years later we are proably going to have another. I agree that the best thing to do is to give plenty of space. Just don't even talk about it after telling them (once) that you are ready. Then stand back and wait until they get to that place on their own.
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#5 of 12 Old 10-02-2007, 08:16 PM
 
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I don't know if your DH would be up for it, but something that really helps me (because I'm totally a planner too) is to sit down and discuss a "life plan." Get a time to go out to dinner, and seriously like get out a paper and pencil and start talking about your dreams and goals. You can ask him, what are some things that are dreams for him? Travelling to a certain place? Getting a guitar and learning how to play it? Moving? Getting a new car? Etc. etc. You can make timelines of months, years into the future. You can add some of your own, discuss them, make it exciting. You can ask DH, "Do you see us having another child or just staying with one?" Put it in his hands, see what he says. Then you can look at your timeline and see when would be a good time to TTC. Maybe he looks at the timeline and says a year from now. Maybe he says two years. Who knows. And keep that paper you write on, because you can always revisit it.

I love doing that... it's very exciting and it gives you lots of things to look forward to in your head. It is also very bonding, I find. I keeps DH and I on the same page, moving forward together.

Your DH might just be worried that you want to TTC right NOW (well, maybe you do, but sounds like you're willing to be flexible). It might make it easier for him to talk about if you are willing to show that you will wait until the right time.

My DH waffles back and forth all the time about having a third (though so do I!). Some days he says he wants another, some days he says 2 is enough. Depends on the day.

Mama to 3 kids. We live in a yurt!
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#6 of 12 Old 10-03-2007, 01:42 AM
 
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My dh changed his mind when his friend decided to have another. Know any dads who might be influencial?

busy mama of three
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#7 of 12 Old 10-03-2007, 10:23 AM
 
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I know how you feel. Your child is still young though and I am sure that plays a lot in how he feels right now. Give him some time and I bet he will come around.

I wish I knew another dad that might be influential!! Everyone that we know stops after 2 and I want a 3rd.

We actually had a huge fight about this last night. I am anxious to read about other husbands that might have changed their minds as it's not looking very favorable for me.:
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#8 of 12 Old 10-03-2007, 03:28 PM
 
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I've never met a man that wanted to plan when to get pregnant.

Mine always freaked out at the suggestion, said he never wanted more (before the first even said he didn't want any) yet was THRILLED with each new child.

After the second I figured our how to ask. He's not an idiot and knows how to prevent pregnancies.

Carrie, The Birthteacher CCE and Doula, real mom to five; and womb-mom to G. born at 23w by emergency C. 12/09
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#9 of 12 Old 10-04-2007, 01:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockies5 View Post

After the second I figured our how to ask. He's not an idiot and knows how to prevent pregnancies.
How did you ask?? Please do share..

Thank you everyone for sharing your experience. :

Melissa loving my DH and DD(4yr)hearts.gif Most likely in my garden. Two angel.gif that I'll remember forever. My baby is here!!! Ethan Matthew came at 42 weeks on 5/19/10 9.10 lbs hbac.gif
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#10 of 12 Old 10-04-2007, 10:45 AM
 
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Yeah, please do share!!! My method of asking is only making my DH mad at me lately.
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#11 of 12 Old 10-04-2007, 07:56 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockies5 View Post
Mine always freaked out at the suggestion, said he never wanted more (before the first even said he didn't want any) yet was THRILLED with each new child.
This is kinda how my DH is. Both of our DCs were pretty much unplanned and for the first couple weeks we found out we were pregnant he was freaked, but then got super excited and was thrilled as well.

Mama to 3 kids. We live in a yurt!
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#12 of 12 Old 10-05-2007, 02:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I did get pregnant unexpectedly earlier this year, DH was freaked out but then got happy about it. But sadly I miscarried And now he is doing extra measures to make sure an "oops" baby doesn't happen again,as in using condoms religiously..so I don't see an "oops" baby happening any time soon. I have a feeling though that that is what it will take to have another baby. For some reason I just can't imagine him waking up one day saying "lets TTC!"

Melissa loving my DH and DD(4yr)hearts.gif Most likely in my garden. Two angel.gif that I'll remember forever. My baby is here!!! Ethan Matthew came at 42 weeks on 5/19/10 9.10 lbs hbac.gif
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