Did you regret not having another? - Mothering Forums
Family Planning > Did you regret not having another?
mama to 2 girls's Avatar mama to 2 girls 11:52 PM 10-23-2007
Lately I have been thinking about this topic a LOT....Space wise (we only have 2 bedrooms) we don't have room for a 3rd but I know we would find a way to make it work....but there are just some things that I want to experiance and do! I want to give cloth diapering a go, I want to have a homebirth, I LOVE the toddler, kids, tween, teen stage, just about every stage except from about 3mos. till they are more mobile at about a year. Plus (and this is a sort of vain reason) last time eventhough dd2's birth went really well, there were some things that didn't. PLUS dh forgot our camera!! So I have absolutely NO memories of her birth! I know that life happens and things could go the TOTAL opposite of what I wanted but I that is another subject all together before I would ttc....I would want to make sure I would be fine with that.

The reason I feel so bad about not having any pics is because I had severe PPD with dd1 and I had some pics of her birth and I destroyed them ALL one day when I was having a really bad day...I also had PTSD as a result of her (dd1's) birth. Which was awful. So now I don't have any pics for either of my girls....I KNOW that it shouldn't matter but that's just the way I feel.

I just can't shake the feeling that I will regret not having a 3rd.....Has anyone else decided they were done and then regret that decision later in life? Or even after you made a permenent decision? Like a tubal or having your dh have a vasectomy?

because's Avatar because 02:07 AM 10-24-2007
Do you want a third teenager?

Having another birth and newborn will not recreate #1 or #2's photos. It will not make the memories of their births and infancies better. In fact, a great, well-documented third may just create a sense of guilt at what the first two didn't have.

I'd say look at the big picture of a third CHILD and then decide.

I know this sounds kind of tough, but I speak from a little bit of shared experience. DS's birth was traumatically fast and a little early so we have NONE of the photos, etc. that we planned. I've felt that a third would be a chance to do a belly cast, get a video, etc. What I did instead was take the baby pics I DID have for him and do an awesome photo book at www.photoworks.com as a special keepsake. (There are lots of places to do these, though).

That said, I still think I want one more. But I do want one more 8 year old, one more teenager, one more, well, everything...

Good luck in your decision. It is one of the biggest ones you'll ever make!
mama to 2 girls's Avatar mama to 2 girls 10:17 AM 10-24-2007
Thanks....It didn't sound tough to me! but maybe I should have been a little clearer with my wording.....I LOVE every stage except from about 3mos. till they get more mobile around a year. I don't mean to sound like a bad mother, I am just being honest. I am just glad the stage I don't like passes! My SIL and others I know ONLY like that baby stage and then kind of treat thier kids like they were yesterdays news!

I have cousins and neices ranging in age from 5yrs. - 18yrs. and I helped take care off ALL of them, I still have my 14 yr. and 8 yr. old over ALL the time. I have sooooo much fun with them..I actually find myself doing more with them than I do with my own kids when they are over....and YES I have had them for more than just a couple hours I have had them overnight and had them for a week straight, when school was out over the summer and thier parents had to work! I guess it helps because they are all really good kids but my kids are raised with the same if not better standards that their parents raise them with. Plus dh and I were both good kids, never gave our parents any trouble. So I am feeling optomitic that our kids will be the same way, if we raise them right.

So all I really have to get thru are those few ( well several ) months and I generally really enjoy it!

Thanks for replying at least...I know this thread has been done over a million times but I hate being a thread stealer! I don't expect to many replies.
EFmom's Avatar EFmom 11:00 AM 10-24-2007
Nope, I've got two and that's plenty.
fantesia28's Avatar fantesia28 11:38 AM 10-24-2007
Hello,

I personally don't feel done and feel that I may regret not having another child. However, my DH is done at this point. I am anxious to hear replies to this thread and what others have to say.
brittneyscott's Avatar brittneyscott 07:16 PM 10-25-2007
I've been debating the feeling done and then wanting more too. I can't decide. There are lot of good reasons for us to only have the 2 but part of me still wants to have a big family and the 4 kids I always though I'd have. I understand the birth experience feeling too. With DD I had a good birth overall but it didn't go how I wanted. I didn't get to hold her right away and I didn't bf her until she was about 3 wks old. My fault but they took her and gave her a bottle right after birth and then I felt like I'd lost my chance and the pressure from people not too I just didn't. I did start bfing at 3 wks and loved it but had to quit soon after b/c I was working 2 jobs and missed a lot of her baby stage. I still regret it. With DS I wanted a homebirth and after some preg issues I had a hosp birth. It went better. I held him immediately and started bfing right then. He's still bf but I didn't get the homebirth or natural birth that I wanted. I know there's no guarantee next time either but sometimes I'd like to try again...
mama to 2 girls's Avatar mama to 2 girls 11:03 PM 10-25-2007
Thank you to everyone who replied! ...BUT....I guess my days of wondering whether or not i would regret it are over! :

I got a faint BFP this afternoon! I can't believe it! Totally unexpected....but not totally unwanted.

If this one sticks, I guess someone else made the decision for me!

I hope everyone else who is in the same boat, get's some resolution.


momoftworedheads's Avatar momoftworedheads 11:11 PM 10-25-2007
Congrats on your pregnancy! Sending you sticky baby dust...

Keep us posted!

I am one of those people who will never be done until I can no longer have kids. I love it all-every stage!
I was just meat to be a mama. My friends call me earth mama.

Take care!
AugustineM's Avatar AugustineM 11:26 PM 10-25-2007
Wow -- I guess you really had that third one on your mind! Congrats!!
phatchristy's Avatar phatchristy 11:02 AM 10-26-2007
Have a happy and healthy 9 months!

Oh, and my mother still to this days says that she wishes she had one more child (she's 70). I was an OOPSY baby...I was born 9 years after my closest sibling. They enjoyed me so much. My dad wanted to have another one shortly after I was born. My mom said something her doctor said made her hesitant...he said to her "oh, you're 37...make this your last, you'll really enjoy her."

My mom I think read into that more than she should have. She talked to me about it on several occasions and she assumed that based on what he said there must have been something anatomically wrong with her and that he was telling her to stop having children. : I told her, I think he was just "assuming it was her last because of her age". She apparently was considered OLD back then. :

And, back in that generation, doctors were "Gods" you know...so I never wound up with that younger brother or sister.

She tells me she's looked back on it and realized that she shouldn't have considered what he said as a directive and she wish she had gone ahead and had more children.

I definitely think, depending on your family and what is important to you having more children can be something to consider. Well, I guess in your case we already know it's happening.
because's Avatar because 11:30 AM 10-26-2007
Congratulations!!!!
AugustineM's Avatar AugustineM 04:57 PM 10-26-2007
I just wanted to add that I think "regret" for not having another child can be very different. Like, my cousin has two boys 15 months apart. After her second was born her DH and her decided that they probably wouldn't have any more. I don't know if they've done anything permanent, but I think he's had a vasectomy. The boys are now 6 and 5.

The other day they were visiting us and watching my DD Anna, who is 16 months, and her DH was just totally gushing over her... obviously enamored by her. They both mentioned how sometimes they get pangs of remorse that they aren't having other kids. I asked them about it, and my cousin said that sometimes she gets these little flutters like she wishes they could have another child, but then realizes that for their family this is best.

I think in some ways it can be hard to move beyond the childbearing years, but I don't think that that difficulty is always "regret", you know? I think it can be sadness, or nostalgia, or difficulty, and I think sometimes people interpret this as "regret" (like, Oh, I should have had another child...) but I don't think it needs to be that way, necessarily, yk?
BusyBeeMom's Avatar BusyBeeMom 10:50 PM 10-26-2007
I would love to have more. Four sounds fabulous to me. But I've made the choice to quit my job, go back to school to do the pre-med classes, and then apply to med school. So if this plan works, we wouldn't plan for another baby probably until I finished med school, maybe after internship. By that time, who knows what my fertility will be like.

So, I may regret it, definitely. BUT, I KNOW that I couldn't continue in the career I was in, and really am passionate about medicine. This is what I really, really want to do.

I also always felt that I wanted *at least* two children. With only one, I always wanted another. Though I may have baby-lust pangs, I know that two was my minimum, and if that's all I have, so be it.

If I did end up getting pregnant, it would be disappointing to have career stuff derailed, but I'd also be thrilled and figure it was meant to be!
kblackstone444's Avatar kblackstone444 01:36 AM 10-27-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama to 2 girls View Post
Did you regret not having another?
Every day. I suspect I always will.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mama to 2 girls View Post
I got a faint BFP this afternoon! I can't believe it! Totally unexpected....but not totally unwanted.

If this one sticks, I guess someone else made the decision for me!
Oh, I'm so happy for you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by mama to 2 girls View Post
I hope everyone else who is in the same boat, get's some resolution.
Me, too.
fantesia28's Avatar fantesia28 11:25 AM 10-29-2007
Mama~

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I came on here to see what other had to say and read your post!
I hope you have a safe and healthy 9 months ahead of you!! I hope that I can follow in your footsteps in the very near future.

Good Luck!
mama to 2 girls's Avatar mama to 2 girls 05:17 PM 10-29-2007
Thank you!

Me too!

I hope you get the outcome you want! FWIW this was TOTALLY unexpected!! We even avoided DTD 3 days before O and 2-3 days after!! So you never know!!
fantesia28's Avatar fantesia28 05:33 PM 10-29-2007
Wow... I bet you will have another dd soon if the shettles method proves correct!
windpowered's Avatar windpowered 07:07 PM 10-29-2007
harleyhalfmoon,

so...what do you do with that regret? How do you get over it, or deal with it, or ????

While we are still in counseling over the issue, I have to face the fact that most likely I will not be able to convince my DH that we should have another. Our DD will be an only. And I am sooooooo sad.

Any words of wisdom from someone further down this road would be appreciated.

~Diane
kblackstone444's Avatar kblackstone444 07:46 PM 10-29-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Diane in Corvallis View Post
harleyhalfmoon,

so...what do you do with that regret? How do you get over it, or deal with it, or ????

While we are still in counseling over the issue, I have to face the fact that most likely I will not be able to convince my DH that we should have another. Our DD will be an only. And I am sooooooo sad.

Any words of wisdom from someone further down this road would be appreciated.

~Diane
If I knew how to get over it, I would. I just have to deal with it. Every once and a while, my Hubby and I have a good arguement about it, but I'm pretty sure I will never be able to convince my Husband that we should have another. My only defense is to pray for an "oops". :
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