When to tell DH when you've had multiple early miscarriages - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 41 Old 05-10-2009, 11:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So, I'm pregnant. I'm still very early, 3w6d. DH says he absolutely, positively does NOT want any more kids. I could go either way, not trying but not preventing. We were supposed to be CTA using FAM and withdrawal. Dh seemed to have forgotten about the withdrawal part. I told him once ovulation was confirmed that it was possible that I might get pregnant. He didn't really respond.

I don't know when or how to tell him because I know he'll be upset. Also, I've had 3 miscarriages in the past so I don't want to tell him before I'm more certain this baby is going to stick, maybe once I get past 6w, which is the latest I miscarried before. I don't want to create a situation where he will lose faith in FAM for CTA if I end up losing this pregnancy. The problem is that he's deploying for about 6 months this week. He won't be back until about a month before I'm due. I don't know if I should tell him before he leaves even though there will still be a big possibility I could miscarry or if I should wait until I'm more comfortable even though it will be after he's gone.

I know it depends at least somewhat on my dh. I'm not concerned about him being angry or losing it or anything like that. I just don't want to unnecessarily stress or worry him right before he deploys to somewhere that he needs to be totally focused on his mission.

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#2 of 41 Old 05-10-2009, 02:16 PM
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Well, first of all, you can make it clear this is NOT your fault. You clearly told him you were ovulating and he didn't pull out, so if he gets mad, he has no one to blame but himself. Also, I think he probably won't get as mad as you think becuase he HAD to, on some unconscious level, want to get you pregnant by rolling the dice like that. He really has no right to get upset about this.

I personally do not think CTA + withdrawl is the best birth control method, it's just harder to always avoid a pregnancy becuase sperm can live several days in the body prior to ovulation and it's hard to say FOR SURE you won't ovulate within the next 5 + days (askemehowiknow). Withdrawl only works if the man withdraws at the right moment every time, typical use is about 80%, so 20% get pregnant with this method. Not good odds if you ask me. Abstinence during your fertile period or at least condoms used properly is more effective. I mean, if you're really dedicated CTA+ withdrawl can work, but I honestly think a lot of people would get pregnant eventually with this method.

Good luck! I'd tell him right away because I can't imagine keeping something like that from my husband for weeks. I'm a terrible secret keeper anyway.
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#3 of 41 Old 05-10-2009, 02:28 PM
 
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congratulations on your pregnancy!

i've read through some of your previous posts and your husband does not at all sound like a man who "absolutely, positively does NOT want any more kids". if he was he'd get a vasectomy, no? or, at the very least, take an active role in preventing pregnancy.

if it were me i'd tell him now. you didn't get pregnant on your own, sister.

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#4 of 41 Old 05-10-2009, 04:55 PM
 
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I'd tell him before he leaves. I don't mean to sound all Jerry Springer, but I wouldn't want to give my husband any pause if he found out I was pregnant while he wasn't there, or worse, come home from six months away to a very pregnant wife. I think a simple, straightforward, "I got a positive test but I'm not sure this is a sticky baby yet. I just wanted to tell you before you left so you would know what's going on." It would give him time to process and would allow you to lean on him for emotional support if the pregnancy doesn't last.
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#5 of 41 Old 05-10-2009, 06:30 PM
 
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I also would tell him before he leaves...Then you can discuss it in person, not over the phone...He may or may not be upset. And if he is, you didn't do this on your own, and neither of you tried very hard to NOT get pregnant. He may be upset at first, but it's better to get it talked out and in the open before he leaves.
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#6 of 41 Old 05-10-2009, 06:59 PM
 
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Are
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DH says he absolutely, positively does NOT want any more kids
and
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We were supposed to be CTA using FAM and withdrawal. Dh seemed to have forgotten about the withdrawal part.
definitely the same guy!? I mean he DOES know where babies come from, right?

Honestly mama, i'd tell him now, the PP had a good line - you got an early BFP, you dont know if it'll stick or not, but either way you wanted him to know.

IME men who REALLY don't want any more babies at *least* pull out! You didn't get yourself pregnant afterall!
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#7 of 41 Old 05-10-2009, 08:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
I mean he DOES know where babies come from, right?
: Sometimes I wonder. He wanted to get a vas but I forbade him. He didn't mind using condoms but I can't stand the way they feel. So, I talked him into using withdrawal. He trusts me so I think he pretty much just went along with what I said. I've been jokingly bugging him about having another baby for about a year and he always says, "No way!" I do kind of wonder if there wasn't something in the back of his mind about wanting to have another baby. He's the type that won't admit he's changed his mind after voicing a decision. He sticks to whatever it is even if it's not working anymore.

I'm not worried that he'll be mad at me. I just know he won't be happy about the idea of having another child to provide for and I don't want to cause him any undue stress. I consider us both equally responsible. I didn't tell him I was potentially fertile but he didn't ask. He hadn't asked anything about it for at least the last 2 cycles. I got tired of being the only one taking the initiative, especially since I didn't want to be tta in the first place.

I told him as soon as I realized it that there was a potential that I could get pg and, if I did, it was his fault for not pulling out. He just sort of shrugged but didn't say anything. I think he thinks it's probably not possible because we had fertility issues in the past. When we were ttc ds2 we actually went so far as to do ivf, which didn't work. Then when we were ttc ds3 it took us over a year for me to get pg with him and I had 3 miscarriages during that time. I was also on a bunch of meds to help my body support a pg that I'm not on now.

Anyway, I think I've decided to wait until I'm at least past 6 weeks. He won't suspect that he's not father so that's not a concern at all. He's not the kind of person who would think that and we don't have the kind of relationship that has any room for anything like that.

Thanks for all of your opinions.

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#8 of 41 Old 05-10-2009, 08:41 PM
 
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"He wanted to get a vas but I forbade him. He didn't mind using condoms but I can't stand the way they feel."

haha. this is like the total opposite of my situation! lol.

But seriously- congrats on your pregnancy! I definitely say talk to your DH about it right now. Hopefully this does not happen, but if you did miscarry, you would want him to know to help you through it, right? And I'm sure he'll be understanding considering all the circumstances.

I'm all about open and honest communication and I agree w/ everyone that said that he must not be that opposed to another child or he would've pulled out :-)

Congrats and I hope you have a healthy/wonderful pregnancy!
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#9 of 41 Old 05-10-2009, 09:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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if you did miscarry, you would want him to know to help you through it, right?
To be honest, not really. I tend to deal with things on my own. Anyway, he'll be gone and out of touch for at least 2 weeks so he wouldn't be available for comfort.

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#10 of 41 Old 05-10-2009, 10:28 PM
 
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Hugs! As a fellow military wife I totally understand where you are coming from : ) I found out I was pregnant while my husband was in the sandbox last spring. I told him, but ended up miscarrying at 12 weeks. He was pretty upset and I almost wish I hadn't told him. The good news is we are now 9 months along with this precious baby and all is going well and he'll be home for the birth (just got back yeterday from a nice long stint away).

I don't know what to tell you other than I just wanted to share my experience and for you to know that you are not alone in making a tough decision! You sound like such a loving, supportive wife in wanting to make sure your soldier is focused on his mission. I feel the same way and don't want to upset my hubby without good cause while he is deployed!!! But on the other hand, I am sure you husband loves you and wants to know what is going on. It's hard to know what to do!

Good luck, sweetie : )
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#11 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 05:12 AM
 
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I didn't tell him I was potentially fertile but he didn't ask. He hadn't asked anything about it for at least the last 2 cycles. I got tired of being the only one taking the initiative, especially since I didn't want to be tta in the first place.
BOY do i remember THAT feeling! It was th same way with XP - HIS decision was "no baby", but somehow it became MY problem to ensure that...how? As it happened i either ovulated twice or late the cycle i got PG with DD (and i'd had 2 losses before too) so even my efforts made no odds, but still, it's hard enough watching it all when tta, even more so when you're not sold on the tta to begin with!

Well, it sounds like you've made your decision now. I really hope it's a sticky one mama. Keep us updated
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#12 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 08:18 AM
 
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First off, Congratulations!! This baby was meant to be.

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Originally Posted by Talula Fairie View Post
Well, first of all, you can make it clear this is NOT your fault. You clearly told him you were ovulating and he didn't pull out, so if he gets mad, he has no one to blame but himself.
I agree. Plus, unless you've taken measures to make it impossible to get pregnant permanently by a vasectomy or tubal then you're always going to have a chance of getting pregnant, so it's really not accurate to say you were done. I'm proof of that one myself, here I am 40, pregnant again and we did not want anymore. However, we did nothing permanent to prevent pregnancy and we are both thrilled and I figured my DH would go through the roof. Go figure.

You may be surprised at your DH's reaction to the pregnancy. I was more upset than my DH and he has been extremely thrilled about this baby since I first went to him full of tears and very sad when told him. I was the one that had to adjust to the idea and come to terms with it, not him.

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#13 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 09:47 AM
 
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Hey Marinewife
Congratulations:
If you feel that waiting is the right thing to do than go with it.
I was really nervous to tell my DH when we got pregnant CTA.
I don't know if you remember but my DH was the same and was actually going for a vas soon. He really surprised me when I told him and while not really happy was not upset by the development.
Good luck.

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#14 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 11:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the congrats. I am very happy about this pg.

If dh hasn't figured it out yet, he's pretty dense. 5yo ds has spilled the beans several times. The last time dh asked him why he thinks we're going to have a baby. DS said he saw the 2 lines. Dh hasn't said a thing to me, though.

BTW, I changed the title of this thread because I realized the title I used wasn't really what I meant.

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#15 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 01:50 PM
 
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: Congrats! I would tell him before he leaves. I'm sure he would want to know what is going on with his family while he is gone regardless of the other issues. Good luck!

Happily married mom to DS (Aug 09) and two furry troublemakers.

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#16 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 02:02 PM
 
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I would tell him now, but I'm also a terrible secret keeper.

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Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
BOY do i remember THAT feeling! It was th same way with XP - HIS decision was "no baby", but somehow it became MY problem to ensure that...how?
Well, the OP has forbade vas. and doesn't like condoms, so I'm not sure what else her dh is supposed to do. He doesn't know when she's fertile unless she tells him.

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#17 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 02:19 PM
 
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I would just tell him. He'll get over it. I also tend to think that we don't give them enough credit when it comes to their missions. When my husband has stuff to do that involves getting shot at, he really isn't thinking "I wonder if ------ is happening at home." Maybe during down time, but our Marines are highly trained, capable *men* and we should really treat them as such (although, highly trained men should be able to get their socks in the hamper, but that's a different subject for a different day ). During down time he might think about it, but that's okay. He'll be okay.

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#18 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 02:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, the OP has forbade vas. and doesn't like condoms, so I'm not sure what else her dh is supposed to do. He doesn't know when she's fertile unless she tells him.
Maybe I should clarify a bit. My dh is perfectly capable of getting a vas without my consent if he really wants one. It's not like I'd leave him if he did and he knows that. I just don't want him to do that because I don't think it's as safe as the medical professionals make it out to be. Also, he has access to my charts so he can always check my status that way (I've explained how it all works to him many times and he can read my book if he's interested), or he can always ask me and I'll tell him. He has never made an effort to do anything of these things.

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#19 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 02:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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During down time he might think about it, but that's okay. He'll be okay.
I know but there's no reason to cause him unnecessary stress. If I tell him now and then I lose the baby, not only will he unnecessarily worry about having another child but then he'll worry about me going to a m/c without him.

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#20 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 02:29 PM
 
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Well, the OP has forbade vas. and doesn't like condoms, so I'm not sure what else her dh is supposed to do. He doesn't know when she's fertile unless she tells him.
Well i dunno about her DH but my XP was PERFECTLY capable of reading my chart to see if i was fertile and he never, ever bothered to. We also used a monitor for some of the time (persona) and he couldn't even be bothered to flip it open to see if the light was red (fertile) or green (infertile)...

In the event you can stare at my chart from the month we got DD until your eyes cross, i couldn't possibly have fallen pregnant then. And i did.
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#21 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 03:19 PM
 
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I know but there's no reason to cause him unnecessary stress. If I tell him now and then I lose the baby, not only will he unnecessarily worry about having another child but then he'll worry about me going to a m/c without him.

But would you really want to do all of that without him knowing? I just don't tend to agree that saving him would be the right decision in my marriage (I am just speaking for myself here). We're partners, and we made a baby together...I can't imagine keeping that from him. If I were in his shoes, I would want to know. That's a really big secret to keep. I couldn't do it.

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#22 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 04:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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But would you really want to do all of that without him knowing? I just don't tend to agree that saving him would be the right decision in my marriage (I am just speaking for myself here). We're partners, and we made a baby together...I can't imagine keeping that from him. If I were in his shoes, I would want to know. That's a really big secret to keep. I couldn't do it.
I don't know. Part of me thinks I should tell him for all the reasons everyone has given and part me thinks I should wait. I thought of something else. Maybe I'm being a bit selfish by wanting to wait. That way I can just be happy about it without having to deal with dh being upset about it. I know I can't know for sure how he'll react but I know my dh. Even if he is happy about it, he won't be excited.

I guess I don't think of it as keeping a secret from him. To me, that has an intentional negative connotation. I'm not keeping this to myself right now because I want to be deceptive or dishonest or to hurt him in some way.

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#23 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 07:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, the cat's out of the bag. DS showed dh one of my tests. DH didn't say anything to me. When I finally brought it up I got the response I was expecting.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I guess it sucks."

"You got what you wanted." (not in an accusatory tone but just that he knows I wanted another child)

"It is what it is."

Then he went back to taping the walls to paint.


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#24 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 08:02 PM
 
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Sorry about his reaction.

Honestly, it's *exactly* what I would I would expect from my DH if we were in your situation. Not angry, but not talking or offering any conversation until he's had time to think about it. The stony postponement.

I think it's very cute that your DS is so excited though.

And congratulations anyway! Even if the pregnancy doesn't stick, you know everything's working without drugs!

Sarah. Married to my Mirus, raising my DD1 (Aug. '09) and my DD2 (March '11) and waiting for my newest (April '14)!
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#25 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 08:40 PM
 
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Well, the cat's out of the bag. DS showed dh one of my tests. DH didn't say anything to me. When I finally brought it up I got the response I was expecting.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I guess it sucks."

"You got what you wanted." (not in an accusatory tone but just that he knows I wanted another child)

"It is what it is."

Then he went back to taping the walls to paint.


It might take some time for him to warm up. I'm sure he will eventually.

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#26 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 10:48 PM
 
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Ah -- sorry, I was jumping to conclusions. I chart a few symptoms for the sake of having the info, and my dh would never know how to make heads or tails of it, if he even knew where I kept my little notebook.

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#27 of 41 Old 05-11-2009, 11:59 PM
 
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Sorry about his reaction my STBDH was not thrilled he actually went for a ride with a friend about an hour later after we talked and such for a little bit okay I talked I think we women have an advantage we feel what is going on and we have more of a time to prepare when it is unexpected. then man just gets a hey umm yeah I am pregnant: but I led him up to with a umm my period is not here yet he still did not get it

He will come around the one comment would irk me if I were you "well you got what you wanted" I am sorry about that.

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#28 of 41 Old 05-12-2009, 06:29 AM
 
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I think if he's your DH, you need to be honest with him and be able to discuss it now that you know, rather than wait.

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#29 of 41 Old 05-12-2009, 06:50 AM
 
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Aw, I think his reaction is really hurtful and as a grown man he should be able to be more supportive & I'm sorry that you have to deal with that behavior from him. He could be happy for you if for nothing else.

Congratulations on your new baby!! Enjoy that bliss, babies are so wonderful! :

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#30 of 41 Old 05-12-2009, 08:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone. By the time we sat down to eat dinner he had come around. He asked me if I had called my MW and what kind of birth I was planning and started figuring out that he won't be here. Later he was talking names and insisting it's another boy.

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