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being vague about due date with family...

2K views 44 replies 23 participants last post by  thefreckledmama 
#1 ·
This is my 4th baby. All of my babies were born on or a couple days before their 'due dates.' I am certain about my lmp thanks to some attempt at charting, and was having a very regular cycle for at least 6 months or so before getting pregnant with this baby.

For a variety of emotional reasons, I chose to be vague about my due date with my family and DH's family. My last baby was born a few weeks after this baby is due, and everyone was here right when I came home. I felt like I had to take care of the visitors, and really had a horrible experience with my mom (whom I love and get along with mostly well except when she freaks out/ is very dramatic and kind of selfish/childish-- she means well but is really sensitive).

Then right when they left DH's family came. When everyone finally left I was emotionally/physically a wreck.

To avoid all that drama and bond with baby and have some private time with my 3 kids, DH and new baby, I fudged my due date by about a week. I always say my due date is "the middle of December," meaning about the 15th, when it is actually the 8th.

Anyways, now I am feeling bad about this, they're trying to make their travel plans and keep asking when they should come.

So for those who have fudged the due date, did you just keep it vague and let the family schedule their travel plans, or should I suggest actual dates?

I'm thinking of saying something like "well, baby should be here on the 15th, so come in that day or the day after so you are sure to be here when baby is, instead of spending all your time waiting for baby."

But is there a better way to do this? Does anyone else have... 'sensitive' relatives and have a better way of handling this? I want them to come, but I need to protect myself and my family.

Thank you for reading!
 
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#2 ·
I like to pad my EDD. Last pgcy, I told everyone "August" (baby was due late July) but did not elaborate on a day. It was really nice to actually get to the end of the pgcy without being bombarded with "have you had the baby yet?" or "How are you feeling? Any contractions?" It drives me crazy!

This time, it backfired a bit, as the u/s changed my EDD to just about when I told them!
: (I told them Mid-Jan, but was "suposed" to be due Jan 3. I am hoping they don't remember the "mid" part and just January.) My Mom actually went so far as to ask my SIL what my "real" EDD was, since I refuse to tell anyone a number!
I never would tell my SIL, much less my mom. I would never have any peace the last couple of weeks! If I could have told them February and gotten away with it, I would have! And not felt bad for a single moment!

Don't feel bad. Just tell them to make their plans for mid to late December. And then they can enjoy the baby when they get there, but you and your immediate family can have a bonding time first. I think it is important, especially in large families with older siblings, to have a special bonding time before anyone else. The siblings should come first over extended family. And I think it increases the family bond while discouraging sibling rivalry.

No need to tell them anything later, just when the baby arrives, you can say he/she came early (which would be true).
 
#3 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty View Post
I think it is important, especially in large families with older siblings, to have a special bonding time before anyone else. The siblings should come first over extended family. And I think it increases the family bond while discouraging sibling rivalry.

No need to tell them anything later, just when the baby arrives, you can say he/she came early (which would be true).
this is really, really at the heart of it all--I don't want my kids to feel pushed aside or out because of the visitors, and the visitors are all interested in the baby. I want us to have a chance to get used to us--and not be a crazy mom to my kids because my family and all of their sensitivities need to be accommodated.

Your post makes me feel better! And that is what we were planning--oh, baby was early!

thank you, kidzaplenty
 
#4 ·
I generally give a "due time", but that is because my kids always overbake, and I do not want to deal with the calls and "Will they LET you go overdue?!"

It's really what You are comfortable with. I agree that that initial bonding time should be intimate family only, and to achieve this, it sounds like your options are to A) lie and say that baby came 'early' and then expect family as soon as you tell them, or B) be upfront about your needs and expectations now, and ask then to understand that you feel it is best for your older children to have this time alone. Different things work with different families, but I know my family would find out afterwards/see though a deliberate fudge and would be hurt.

When I told them (before DD2 was born) to hold off after her birth, they were initially put off, but they got over it by the time she was born. I emailed pictures right away, and promised not to let her grow too much before they got here.
 
#5 ·
I don't really believe in due dates...that said, the wheel says about Nov 15th for me. I'm telling everyone Thanksgiving. My last baby was born at 41 weeks.
Why don't you ask them to come for Christmas? That would give you a few weeks alone time with new baby and your family.
It's really no one else's "right" to be there, so you should just be upfront with saying you'd rather have everyone together for the holidays. Christmas or New Years...
that's what I would do, anyway. And everyone would be staying in a hotel. : )

Good luck, mama!
 
#6 ·
Both my babes were late (12 days and 5 days) and for the last one my family all sat around my house literally watching me not go into labour. Then they all split 2 days after babe was born because they'd already been there for over a week. I say tell them whatever you want. Due dates are pretty meaningless anyway.
 
#7 ·
I would just straight up lie and then when an obviously full term baby is born on or near the EDD say, 'Oops, guess we were wrong about the date of conception!'

I personally think it's really selfish of family to demand to be there right away and steal one of the most precious and private times of a mom's life [and partner and baby and siblings].

Now, if you are a mama who wants to share that time with extended family, that's great and your choice, but I wish that was a welcome surprise instead of a strident demand.
 
#8 ·
This baby is due first of Nov. It'll be born around the b-day of our second dc. The IL's usually come for Thanksgiving (dh's parents). We asked them not to come this year. They came right after the birth of dd and it was horrible! We learned from our mistake and won't do that again. I feel kinda bad about it, but not that bad.


My family mostly lives here in town. They'll stop by for an hour or so and it'll be done. Dh's family comes and stays WITH us and we don't have a large house with 8 (soon to be 9) people already living here.

I say you tell them when YOU want them to come. It's not about their convenience. You'll have just had a baby for crying out loud!!
 
#9 ·
I say why lie? Tell them straight up that the baby will be here sometime in December, most likely, and that if they'd like to meet baby, to make plans for the end of the month. Nobody needs to know a due date, because it's a meaningless number. Tell them a specific date after which they are welcome to arrive, and accept that if baby decides to be late you may not have the peace you anticipated.

I think letting anyone dictate when they're going to come to your house is setting yourself up for problems later. It's your house, your baby, your body. You get to tell them when you will be comfortable welcoming visitors. And even if that means that you don't give them a date, but make them wait until baby arrives, then that's what it means. I've straight up told my grandmother that she can't expect to get to meet him before he's 2 weeks old. My DH has 2 weeks paternity leave so he will be home, and it will be just the three of us and my BFF (cooking, cleaning, shopping) during that time. End of story. And she's the one most eagerly anticipating the baby - to the point of driving me insane. She may not have liked me saying that, but she realizes that this is not about her - it's about what me and my baby need, period.
 
#10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by badgerbaby View Post
It's really no one else's "right" to be there
:

I am a first-time mom, so I've never done this before, but knowing my family's general insensitivity to the needs of others I am doing the exact same thing that you are doing, carmel23. I'm due March 9th but I've been saying "mid-March" just to give myself some breathing room. I also plan on making it explicitly clear when we will be able to welcome visitors and when we won't. If that means my family has to wait to buy tickets until the babe arrives (because we won't know exactly when that is or how we'll feel), then that's fine. They'll deal. You and your family are priority #1, and it's perfectly okay to set boundaries.
 
#11 ·
Since they asked when to come, I'd tell them they can come at new year's...that it would be perfect because you would like time alone with your new baby and your older kids before having visitors.
 
#12 ·
I generally don't have to worry about traveling family as many that are going to want to see the baby are local (the rest, I don't even tell them they can come, if they come, it is to visit other family members and we are a "side trip" for them).

But, I don't like the "need" they feel about "storming" my house the second I go into labor. With my #7, my mom was actually living with us. When I went into labor, I deliberately did not tell her (as she was telling everyone that she was delivering the baby; we were going UC and she was NOT assisting me but she would not accept that). She took my other children to church, but when we did not show up, she wrecklessly rushed home (with my children in the car), speeding and running lights, so that she would not "miss" anything. I was so furious! (Good thing I surquestered myself into my bathroom and did not let her in!) I am just glad that she no longer lives with me.

Now, I don't tell her a date! But she is still trying to find out!
I guess "vague" and "January" is just not "good enough" for her!
 
#13 ·
I say the more vague you are, the more they'll walk all over you and do what they want.

I was very firm with my 1st. I wanted a 2-week babymoon. My psycho mother would hang up the phone on me whenever I said it, but I held out and I got my babymoon with the exception of Thanksgiving, which fell a week after her birth.

I'd just be very clear and say "We're expecting the baby mid December, but I'm not going to feel up to visitors until Christmas this time."
 
#14 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by badgerbaby View Post
I don't really believe in due dates...that said, the wheel says about Nov 15th for me. I'm telling everyone Thanksgiving. My last baby was born at 41 weeks.
Why don't you ask them to come for Christmas? That would give you a few weeks alone time with new baby and your family.
It's really no one else's "right" to be there, so you should just be upfront with saying you'd rather have everyone together for the holidays. Christmas or New Years...
that's what I would do, anyway. And everyone would be staying in a hotel. : )

Good luck, mama!
Heck girl, I was looking at this thread and thinking you should tell them come for New Year's!
 
#15 ·
I'm with KoalaMommy. Why stress yourself out? Just tell them when you'll allow them to visit.
My family knows the "official due date" but I generally give the "due time" that's in my signature. I'll let them know when the baby's born but I've also told them I'm going to want a week or two, maybe more, to be alone with the baby before we have ANY visitors. If someone decides to try to stomp on my boundaries... well... they don't have a key for the door.
 
#17 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by badgerbaby View Post
I don't really believe in due dates...that said, the wheel says about Nov 15th for me. I'm telling everyone Thanksgiving. My last baby was born at 41 weeks.
Why don't you ask them to come for Christmas? That would give you a few weeks alone time with new baby and your family.
It's really no one else's "right" to be there, so you should just be upfront with saying you'd rather have everyone together for the holidays. Christmas or New Years...
that's what I would do, anyway. And everyone would be staying in a hotel. : )

Good luck, mama!
I honestly wish I could be upfront with my family, but my Mom would be hurt, and then the drama would begin already
. I totally agree that it is no one's right to be there, except for me and my DH
.

The thing about the holidays is that then there is another whole layer of stress and expectation on the part of folks in my family, and hotels costs more during the holidays.

My last baby was born just after Christmas, so I have been there and done that! It is a lot of the painful memories post that birth with my mom that have set me up in this position now--where I have deduced that the best course of action is to be vague with the due date.

I just feel a little bit bad about it, but not that bad. Thanks for your words of encouragement!
 
#18 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by zookeeper View Post
I say you tell them when YOU want them to come. It's not about their convenience. You'll have just had a baby for crying out loud!!
I agree with this. I don't want anyone coming around for the birth or immediately after. When I feel up to it, they will be welcome.
 
#19 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by akat View Post
I would just straight up lie and then when an obviously full term baby is born on or near the EDD say, 'Oops, guess we were wrong about the date of conception!'

I personally think it's really selfish of family to demand to be there right away and steal one of the most precious and private times of a mom's life [and partner and baby and siblings].

Now, if you are a mama who wants to share that time with extended family, that's great and your choice, but I wish that was a welcome surprise instead of a strident demand.
this is the thing, this is my 4th child. I've done this before and the last time was *too much.* I guess my mom is a bit childish (I wish there was a better word--she just can't really see it from another person's perspective, she lacks empathy big time).

I agree that it is selfish, but she has expressed that it is really important for her to be there for the birth. My last baby was born so quickly that she didn't have a chance to get there--and that part was way better. It was the aftermath that was hell. And I said never again.

And I wish we had a relationship where I could just explain what we'd like, but that won't happen. She would be really hurt to not be there for the birth, or if I purposely didn't invite her to the birth, y/k?

And I really need the time to be with my family. If it was just DH and I it wouldn't be such a big deal, but there are more of us now,
and so there are more relationships going on--and we need more time to bond as a family as a result.

Thank you for your help!
 
#20 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by KoalaMommy View Post
I say the more vague you are, the more they'll walk all over you and do what they want.

I was very firm with my 1st. I wanted a 2-week babymoon. My psycho mother would hang up the phone on me whenever I said it, but I held out and I got my babymoon with the exception of Thanksgiving, which fell a week after her birth.

I'd just be very clear and say "We're expecting the baby mid December, but I'm not going to feel up to visitors until Christmas this time."
wouldn't it be nice to have a mom where you could just express your wish and they would understand? How nice would that be?!
 
#23 ·
I totally get it with a selfish, one-sided mom. Honestly, I'm done caring about mine. You're nice to even consider it. I actually wrote specifically on my birth plan that she wasn't allowed in, just in case she tried to impose. That would drive me nuts! I haven't even told mine I'm expecting another baby... I'm personally done catering to that attitude. If one-sided is the way things are going to be, then when it comes to my kids and my life, it's going to be my side that prevails.

I might be mean though. I hope it all works out. Hotels actually tend to be really cheap at Christmas in touristy areas because no one stays in hotels then. I'd look around a little and see if there aren't some deals.
 
#24 ·
I gave a time-frame two weeks after the "due date" to my ILs. This was because of the nightmare we had after the birth of my son, when family felt entitled to be present and bombarded our hospital room and home beginning immediately after the birth. I swore not to be in that position again and know that honesty and firm boundaries will not stop those family members who don't agree that it's my right to refuse them access to their grandchild. Having said that, I haven't liked the dishonesty throughout this pregnancy. I don't wish we'd chosen to do things differently, just that it were possible to have done them differently. Also, even if setting firm rules about who can come after the birth were effective, it wouldn't stop the several-times-daily telephone calls to see if I'm in labor in the weeks approaching the "due date" that I got last time. These have not begun yet, thankfully, though the true "date" is one week from now.

I hope things go smoothly for your babymoon, OP. I keep trying to tell myself not to feel badly for doing what is necessary to protect my family's privacy during this important time. It's not my fault I was put in this position.
 
#25 ·
You should just tell them a later date and emphasize that the baby can be born anytime between 38-42 weeks and every baby is different. This way when the baby is born earlier, you can just shrug and joke how hasty #4 is or something.

I told my mom I want her to come a week after the birth, but for some reason everytime I talk to her she tells me that I should call her when I am going to the hospital (I am not giving birth in a hospital) and that she'll grab the first plane ticket and come out. It's like her ears are painted on or just for show. So we're going to have the baby, and then call her and be firm about her not coming for a week. Oh, and I also gave her a later Due date, though this is my first, so who knows.

But man, moms have a mind of their own when it comes to our kids (which they understand as THEIR grandkids).
 
#26 ·
I'm not giving anyone a specific date. I'm trying to decide between responding "early June" and "June-ish"--but am actually "due" in mid-late May.

Then again, I'm waiting to feel more confident in this pregnancy before saying anything to anyone other than my husband to begin with....
 
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