FIL dying; should I go? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 01-18-2010, 08:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My dh's father is critical. He's been like this for days and my dh is with him. Me and the kids have been home (he lives overseas). My dh was telling me a few days ago that he was going to die, and that he wanted me to come for the funeral (leave kids home, mainly b/c of $$). He's been very upset (of course). He called me at 2 a.m., and again at 4:30 a.m. this morning to tell me it's looking bad.

So it looks like things are coming to a head this morning. But my dh just emailed me that I should stay home - - if FIL passes this morning, the funeral will be this afternoon, so I wouldn't make it. But I emailed my dh that I could be there for support afterward... at least for a few days.

I'm kind of wondering if (a) I should just stay home b/c he says now that I don't have to come. (b) If I should insist on coming to be supportive. (c) my dad, who would come help with the kids, told me I shouldn't go... but I wonder how much of that advice is b/c he'd rather not come help out with my kids!

Any and ALL thoughts and advice welcome. (And btw, I'm 21 weeks, which I understand isn't a risky time to fly...)
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#2 of 10 Old 01-18-2010, 09:03 AM
 
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I honestly would just stay home if your DH told you to. Make it known to your DH with a heart to heart talk that you want to be there for him but also him again if he thinks you should be there. He will probably say no with all that you said. It's a lot of stress and money to travel overseas for a funeral when you are pregnant. Trust me, it sucks being on a plane while uncomfortable for 10 hours!!! You don't want to regret it or have your DH resent you for it so make sure he knows that it his decision.

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#3 of 10 Old 01-18-2010, 09:08 AM
 
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I would go, even if you miss the funeral. I know my dh would need me with him if his dad were to pass. The discomfort of air travel wouldn't even cross my mind.

Mama to DS1 (2/08) and DS2 (9/10).
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#4 of 10 Old 01-18-2010, 10:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for your replies. i do think i'll go - it's kind of hard to imagine not being there for him...
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#5 of 10 Old 01-18-2010, 11:01 AM
 
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My gosh, I would definitely go too! I think you're making the right choice. This has about nothing to do with pregnancy right now if your pregnancy has been normal.

4 kids under 10
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#6 of 10 Old 01-18-2010, 01:55 PM
 
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I think if it meant enough to him to ask you to come initially, then he really needs your support right now. I would ABSOLUTELY go.
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#7 of 10 Old 01-18-2010, 04:54 PM
 
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Well, for me it would depending on how far it is, how long, and how old the kids are. I assume they are very comfortable with your dad, so in that case I would go. For me, there would be no one to leave the kids with, so I wouldn't go.
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#8 of 10 Old 01-18-2010, 06:49 PM
 
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I lost my dad two years ago to brain cancer. My dh was only 6 hours away but I really did need him. I told him to wait and I would be fine but I wasn't. I was glad he knew me better than I knew me and came. I am sorry for what you all have to go through.

Jennifer Sahm to my smart lil boy (9 yo), fun loving lil girl (7 yo),and our new sweet one (12/04/09)
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#9 of 10 Old 01-18-2010, 06:59 PM
 
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GO!!! And I've never heard of a funeral the same day as someone passes. It is usually a few days to a week here. Maybe different there, but I would go even if you did miss the funeral.
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#10 of 10 Old 01-18-2010, 07:17 PM
 
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I know in Islam, we hold funerals within 24 hours. I believe it's the same among Orthodox Jews as well.

In the case one of DH's family were to pass, it's unlikely I could make it in time for the funeral. However, as long as I had child care I trusted, I would try and go anyway. Even if DH told me it was unnecessary--being there to offer support, and to pay respect to my husband's family member, would be very important to me.

Mom to DS(8), DS(6), DD(4), and DS(1).  "Kids do as well as they can."

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