Setting myself up for heartbreak - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 02-07-2010, 05:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So here's the situation, I'm pregnant with my 3rd, my first 2 are boys and I desperately want a girl. So far I've had 4 ultrasounds and they still don't know what sex the baby is! (1st (19 weeks) tech1 said boy but wasn't sure at all, 2nd (28 weeks) tech2 said wasn't sure but if she had to bet money she would guess girl as there were no signs of boy parts at all, 3rd (32 weeks) tech1 said boy but wasn't sure, might be scrotum? but no sign of penis, 4th (34 weeks) tech2 again not sure but if she had to guess she says girl b/c there are no signs of boy parts and it looks a little girly) Every time the baby has been on a bad position and won't properly open legs. Now of course this is driving me crazy and I feel so unconnected to my baby also, this is my first pregnancy that I haven't know what position the baby was in, what was poking me, the difference between a head and a butt. I had a dream in the beginning that the baby was a girl but didn't share it with anyone b/c I didn't want to jinx it or look crazy. I had the same dream with my first son and it was right, the second time I didn't have a dream I wanted him to be a girl, told everyone he was a girl but deep down I felt he was a boy. So I did feel in the beginning that I was having a girl but after the first ultrasound I made peace with the fact the baby was a boy, then I got my hopes up at the second ultrasound and then I have just been plain confused since then. The problem is though I started having the overwhelming urge to buy girl's clothes. Just a few things to get me past the first few weeks b/c I know if it's a girl I will NOT want to put her in boys clothes, I've waited for too long for this you know? I also know I won't want to leave the house right away or have anyone pick them out for me. So I started to buy a few things, which just kept adding up. They are all second hand and very cheap but I have quite the little stash going, I've had to force myself to stop. Dh is worried that I am setting myself up for heartbreak and I am too. I know I shouldn't have bought the clothes but I really felt as though I HAD too. I keep trying to tell myself that the baby is a boy so I am not disappointed but I'm pretty sure it's well past that point for me and I'm scared now. I mean I will love my baby boy or girl, but I just want a girl so bad. I'm not handling not knowing and now at almost 3 weeks away from my EDD it is dragging out. I don't really know what I am looking for here but I just need to vent. I feel so alone and also feel like a bad mom.
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#2 of 7 Old 02-07-2010, 06:04 PM
 
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I am SOOO right there with you. I have 2 boys & desparately want a little girl this time. I am so sorry they are having such a hard time telling what gender you've got in there. That has got to be SO frustrating! While you'll never know 100% until baby is born, I would have to say your dream is a good sign. I hoped for girls with both of my other pregnancies, but like you had gut feelings/dreams that I didn't really pay much attention to that told me both were boys. I too have a gut feeling this time it is a girl, but I am afraid to give into it since it could just be wishful thinking.

This was a surprise pregnancy for us & it came at a really bad time so I had a really hard time getting excited about this baby. One of the only ways I have been able to get myself to even be happy about this is to look at girls clothes. I too worry I am setting myself up for heartbreak. I don't think you are doing anything wrong by getting a few girly things "just in case." Just remember that once you see that amazing babe you will be so happy regardless of boy or girl. You are NOT a bad mom, please don't beat yourself up over this.

Cheryl, wife to an amazing man, homeschooling SAHM to Gavin 12/03, Rhys 09/06, and Ian Aug 11, 2010.

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#3 of 7 Old 02-07-2010, 07:11 PM
 
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I totally get where you're coming from too. First of all, you are not a bad mom for wanting/hoping your baby is a girl. I am also on my third baby (33wks) and already have 2 boys.....our u/s have been a bit like yours, baby was in bad position both times, though both techs said it was a girl. I personally don't buy it cause I don't think they could se ANYTHING so just said girl. I too am trying not to get my hopes up and have a such a hard time when I'm shopping, anywhere that sells baby anything, to not go and buy girl things. I've had to force myself to buy only neutrals (well almost all only ). I know that deep down if my baby is infact a boy I will love him to pieces, but I have to be honest adn say that I will be disappointed that I won't ever have my little girl (this is w/out a doubt our last...dh and I are both feeling too old to do this again, I'm 38, he's 41). I think that the feelings you are having are perfectly normal and like you said, it's not an issue of loving the child, it's an issue of dissapointment, there's a big difference in my book. Hang in there and please keep posted...now I'm on teh edge of my seat to know what you are having too!!
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#4 of 7 Old 02-07-2010, 09:48 PM
 
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been there.

but..

every one of my little boys has been such a precious blessing that i wouldn't trade for the world. i started this pregnancy hoping like crazy that it be a girl, but the reality is starting to set in and.... now i'm just
not sure. i don't know girls, and... i know w/ certainty that boys are so sweet, and endearing, and easy, and...

don't feel bad for feeling bad if indeed you're having a boy. you deserve the space to mourn your gender loss, just as anyone else would that you no doubt would support. it has no bearing on the type of (loving) mother you are--it's just being human. and i assure you, it won't last.

Midwife apprentice and mama to 6, including three UC babies: Jude River, 06/04/08, Alora Wren Isolde, 9/27/10, and our newest addition, Ailish Brynn Elspeth, 6/12/14!
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#5 of 7 Old 02-08-2010, 07:23 PM
 
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Ladyelms, thanks for what you said. I am in the same boat. I love my two boys, but would like to mother a daughter, too. I wouldn't trade my boys for all the tea in China.

Jean, happy HS mom to Peter (5), Daniel (9) and Lucie (2) and also someone new... baby.gif
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#6 of 7 Old 02-08-2010, 07:25 PM
 
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I have 4 sons (3 bio).. and I was setting myself up for disappointment that this one would also be a boy.. when they said girl, I went into shock
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#7 of 7 Old 02-08-2010, 10:57 PM
 
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Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. You know you'll fall in love with your baby if it's a boy or a girl, so really...what's the harm in hoping for one or the other?

If it helps, we had our girl (after three boys) by adopting. I was so girl-crazy for years...it's a wonder I didn't bankrupt us on girl clothes. Now that we have our daughter, I have to say...it's just not that different. Yes, the clothes are cute, but that "dress-up" feeling only lasts a very little while. After that, the girl-centered thoughts fade away very quickly and it's just CHILD, not girl. If you knew how girl-crazy I'd been, you'd be shocked that I'm saying that.

I know it's hard not to want what you don't have, but you might be surprised at how quickly the girl fun fades. It's so fast. Makes me wonder why I was ever girl-crazy at all.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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