Dealing with everyone elses gender preference. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 01:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, someone else must be experiencing this as well, but it is really hurting my feelings and bugging me to no end. I have two ds and am 15 weeks pregnant with my third unknown gender.r Everyone and I mean everyone says to me something ranging from: Oh I hope for your sake its a girl. You deserve a girl. I know you'll have a girl. Oh wouldn't it be great if it was a girl. Then I have the other end of the spectrum. OMG it cant be another boy that would be insane. Or, fingers crossed it isnt another boy. Three boys would be too much.

What is the deal here? When did having sons become this terrible thing? What if I was pregnant and had two girls already? Would I be hearing this same thing? And what if I have another boy? Am I going to spend the rest of my life hearing how unfortunate I am that I don't have a daughter?

I never cared about the gender of my children. I love having boys. Boys, girls, I just never cared. They are still my children and they will be my family forever even when they are married (oh right everyone tells me that isn't true with boys right? Once they are married they will never speak to me again) It's a bunch of sterotypical crap.

Ahh, I am just really trying to enjoy this, my last pregnancy. And I feel like I have to hide from everyone to do that.

Thanks for letting me rant.
Michelle

, mama to DS(7/)22/02) DS (8/14/04) , and an angel (3/10/10)nursing a broken heart...loving my boys.
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#2 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 01:26 PM
 
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This really bugs me too.

It even started with our FIRST (a girl). People were telling me "oh, your husband must be disappointed its not a boy." UMMM, I'm female, and he loves ME, so being a girl can't be all that bad!

It would probably bother me just as much the other way, too.

Why can't people get that the best thing to say to a pregnant woman is "congratulations!" Keep the rest to yourself.
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#3 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 01:45 PM
 
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people just say the wrong things. I get boy comments from my mom and MIL since we have 2 girls and they annoy me as well.. mostly because my mom will say things like "how is my grandson" "I can't wait to visit my grandson" when we don't know what we're having. But I finally told her it bothers me and she's stopped.

Karen happily partnered mother of 3 beautiful girls (teen/toddler/newborn).
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#4 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 03:04 PM
 
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I think it goes both ways...you've got girls? You must be hoping for a boy. and vice versa. And then, if you've got one of each (as was my case) I got people commenting on why I was having another. As if it's their business. People like to be nosy with pregnant women. It's like they think we're vulnerable to attack or something. (who knows, with all the raging hormones, maybe we are...or maybe they should be worried that we'll bite their heads off, lol!)

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#5 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 03:20 PM
 
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Have 2 boys & everyone says this one MUST be a girl. We don't find out the gender, so I think it just gives people something to talk about. I think if I had 2 girls, I would be getting "it's a boy."

I always respond with we just want a healthy baby and that the sex is completely unrelated to the joy of having a newborn.

Hang in there!!

A doula who married a cop & became a mama to 3 boys: G 12/22/00, my rainbow baby B 2/2/07 and L 2/10/10 my CBA2V baby, waiting for my little caboose late February 2013 & always remembering my two angels 2006 & 2012.

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#6 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 03:22 PM
 
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Heres an odd situation

I have one of each... so everyone's convinced this will be twins :|

(err well I don't know if that's why everyone is convinced it is... but they are. No one cares about gender, they want to know how many babies there are :|)

Artist, photographer, stay-at-home-mom and Marine wife. Mom to 4; a boy and three little girls.
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#7 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 03:24 PM
 
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I read a story about "gender disappointment" over at jezebel.com. It's bizarre to me - boys or girls, they're human beings! They'll have their own preferences, personalities based on who they are, not their chromosomes.
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#8 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 03:25 PM
 
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Yes, it goes both ways. I say this after having 4 girls in a row! My grandma looked at me quite seriously and said, "You know, that I am hoping this is a boy." in a stern tone, like I had better comply. SERIOUSLY? LOL

We are having a boy this time (couldn't be more shocked!!!). People still make comments...just different ones! Things like, "that poor boy, with all those little mothers!"

Cindy, loving wife of 15 years
homeschooling mama to 4 wonderful girls, and 1 boy!  praying for #6, sch, due 4/14/2013!

 

 

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#9 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 03:27 PM
 
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Yes, it goes both ways. I say this after having 4 girls in a row! My grandma looked at me quite seriously and said, "You know, that I am hoping this is a boy." in a stern tone, like I had better comply. SERIOUSLY? LOL
I think my MIL once said quite seriously that I "need to give dh a son this time" .. and I just laughed and reminded her that it's the sperm that decides the gender, not me.

Karen happily partnered mother of 3 beautiful girls (teen/toddler/newborn).
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#10 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 03:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by at_the_hip View Post
We are having a boy this time (couldn't be more shocked!!!). People still make comments...just different ones! Things like, "that poor boy, with all those little mothers!"
my 4 year old tries to mother her 7 year old brother lol

Artist, photographer, stay-at-home-mom and Marine wife. Mom to 4; a boy and three little girls.
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#11 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 03:32 PM
 
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I usually just say, "Boy or girl, it's all HIS fault!"

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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#12 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 03:39 PM
 
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We haven't gotten much flak yet (one girl, one on the way) but that is mainly because we haven't told DH's family yet and they are the ones to make dumbass comments.

I felt really bad for my SIL who's 7m pregnant - it's their first and my SIL and BIL were thrilled it is a boy (they would have been thrilled if it was a girl too, fwiw, SIL would have dressed her to the 9s!). Anyway, there are 3 total nieces in the family right now, so having a boy to carry on the fairly rare family name (everyone in the US with this particular last name are related to us directly), *I* thought was pretty cool!

Backstory- when we told MIL that DD was a girl, she was THRILLED! Like - over the top thrilled. Telling everyone, etc. When SIL told her that her baby was a boy - MIL was all like... that's nice. Didn't mention it again, etc. I felt awful for her! Apparently girls are prized by her and she wanted another one. It wasn't like she had only boys herself and wanted to experience having girls, she had 1 girl and then 2 boys...and then 3 grandgirls!

Fortunately, FIL more than made up for her, but it was just weird. This alone is probably why we won't be telling the gender of this baby until birth if we find out.

People are just really weird about genders and names- like before they are born, it's okay to bash them, once they are born, they usuallydon't say much.

*hugs* to you, and enjoy your new little one!

Rachel, knit.gifwifey to 2twins.gif (3/06), tandem nursing mama toenergy.gif(7/08) & babyboy.gif (4/11) and missing brokenheart.gif (7/09, 2/10, 7/10) 
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#13 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 03:41 PM
 
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I am getting this non-stop, too. We have two boys and EVERYONE says I must be so happy to have a chance at a girl, tells me it IS a girl, or assumes we are having one more just so we can have a girl. We actually would prefer another boy, but will obviously take any kind of a healthy child. I want to print up a t-shirt that says "we hope its another boy" or something. Sooo annoying!
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#14 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 03:41 PM
 
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I know what you mean. I only have one child, a son and EVERYONE in my family wants a girl. I'll admit to kind of wanting a girl myself, but I don't feel strongly about it and would be thrilled to have another boy as well. The problem is that I almost feel like I will be letting everyone down if it is a boy! I'm glad we aren't finding out the gender and by the time the baby is born they will be so happy that they won't care anymore.

Marilyn, married to my soulmate Jay and mommy to Elijah Blaze 08/04/2003 and Mila Soleil 10/02/2011 . 
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#15 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 03:51 PM
 
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We only wanted two kiddos, so when we had two girls, everybody kept telling us we needed to have a third so we could "try for a boy." This started from the time that DD2 was a newborn. Even my MOM tried to tell us that DH "needed" a son. Incredibly rude, IMO! When we decided to have a third, everybody assumed it was to "try for a boy" (*so* not the case, as we'd be just as happy to have a third DD, and it would probably be easier at this point, too). Random strangers ask us when we're out whether we're having "our boy." To me, it's fun to tell people it's our surprise. It gives them something else to talk about. People usually jump right into the conversation about how they love surprises and can't believe everyone finds out the gender these days. I guess we live in a sort of conservative area, though, FWIW.

So just so you know: it happens just as much with daughters as with sons. The only difference is it's all about my DH needing a son instead of all about me needing a daughter. I don't get it at all either. I think it comes from an older generation that had different priorities and needs.
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#16 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 03:54 PM
 
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Yup. I got that big time this time around.........I have 2 girls and I'm pregnant. It annoyed me to no end. It turned out to be a boy and now I'm annoyed by all the people that are soooooo happy for me since I finally have a boy. And soooooo happy for my DH for him to have his boy. Grrrrrr.......so yes I understand your pain. LOL

Angela married to the love of my life Mommy to Summer Hailey and Evan
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#17 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 04:22 PM
 
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my grandmother wants me to have a girl because she had some pink booties she got from some lady who knits them at her church. she had them before she knew i was pregnant, and she's already mailed them to me. they are the only non gender-neutral thing i have/will have up to the birth. every time i talk to her on the phone, she acts like it's my decision whether i have a girl or boy, like it's still undecided!

she's allowed to be a wack-job though, cause she's 95.

me+him for 15 yrs, welcomed our little one march 25th, 2010.

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#18 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 04:32 PM
 
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We have one boy and two girls. I admit I'd rather like a boy but my mom is totally ruining it for me. She harps on and on about how it's a boy (when she's not harping about it being twins...umm...I'm almost 30 weeks don't think there are any twins in there). What bugs is me is that she has now convinced my ds that it's a boy. We keep reminding that we can't really know that and that it might be a girl. I don't want the poor kid disappointed if he has another sister. And it bugs me because she's always doted on my son and not so much on my daughters. She's good to them but it's so obvious that she prefers ds. I feel like her desire for me to have a boy stems from her liking boys better (she doted on my brothers more than me as well).

Mama to Umberto 12, Camille, 9, Piper 7, Rowena 2, and Jude Therese Prenatal DS diagnosis due December 23.

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#19 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 04:45 PM
 
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I was thrilled when I was pregnant with my third boy.

Of course we would have been just as thrilled with a girl, but we were thrilled nonetheless.

We decided to not have any more children, but if we did, I'd be happy with another boy OR a girl.

I forgot to say, people also assumed we were "trying for a girl". We weren't.
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#20 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 04:54 PM
 
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I used to get that all the time with #3, because my first 2 were girls.

If my children were around when people made "you must really want a boy after two girls" comments, I'd say (in a very neutral voice and without smiling), "You do of course realize that my daughters can hear you say that?"
OR
If they said it to just me or my husband, the response would be, "We'd be delighted to have another daughter."

The key was to leave it at that and not say another word, but still to maintain eye contact. It made people VERY uncomfortable. Usually they'd mumble something about a healthy baby and walk away quickly .

Leeann, mama to 3*magic*kids: DD 1/03 DD 9/04 DS 8/06
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#21 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 04:58 PM
 
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my grandmother wants me to have a girl because she had some pink booties she got from some lady who knits them at her church. she had them before she knew i was pregnant, and she's already mailed them to me. they are the only non gender-neutral thing i have/will have up to the birth. every time i talk to her on the phone, she acts like it's my decision whether i have a girl or boy, like it's still undecided!

she's allowed to be a wack-job though, cause she's 95.
That's actually kind of cute. Make sure you put those pink booties on your baby (boy or girl) and send her a picture.

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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#22 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 05:01 PM
 
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People always have something stupid to say. When I had DD, I heard "Oh, how nice, one of each and you're done now!". Uh... so, are you saying I shouldn't have anymore kids?
People say something no matter WHAT. I really really try hard not to say anything to pregnant women at all, especially since some women (or the fathers) truly do have a preference (and I'm not saying that's a bad thing at all, I mean, I really really wanted a DD after I had DS, I just did), so I think you really run the risk of hurting someone by saying anything related to gender/sex. You never know what someone's dream family is.

Catherine and B stillheart.gif DS1 (6) biggrinbounce.gif DD (4) loveeyes.gif DS2 (1) drool.gif and expecting #4 shamrocksmile.gif on March 17, 2014.  
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#23 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 05:02 PM
 
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I used to get that all the time with #3, because my first 2 were girls.

If my children were around when people made "you must really want a boy after two girls" comments, I'd say (in a very neutral voice and without smiling), "You do of course realize that my daughters can hear you say that?"
OR
If they said it to just me or my husband, the response would be, "We'd be delighted to have another daughter."

The key was to leave it at that and not say another word, but still to maintain eye contact. It made people VERY uncomfortable. Usually they'd mumble something about a healthy baby and walk away quickly .
This is a perfect response. I am amazed how many people think anyone under 10 years old is deaf, dumb and blind.

I also have another theory - I think that when human eyes see a pregnant belly, the usual social filters between brain and mouth dissolve completely and their IQ drops about 20 points.

Crunchy Christian Wife and Mommy to awesome DH and DD1 (4/25/07) and DD2 (8/13/10)
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#24 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 05:52 PM
 
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I think it goes both ways...you've got girls? You must be hoping for a boy. and vice versa. And then, if you've got one of each (as was my case) I got people commenting on why I was having another. As if it's their business. People like to be nosy with pregnant women. It's like they think we're vulnerable to attack or something. (who knows, with all the raging hormones, maybe we are...or maybe they should be worried that we'll bite their heads off, lol!)
I've had the same comments. People kept asking why I was 'bothering' with another when I already had a 'perfect' family with one of each.
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#25 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 05:57 PM
 
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This has been the biggest downside of this pregnancy. I'm also having my third and it's my third boy and we are thrilled BUT people's reactions are horrible. I seriously get looks of pity, it's insane.
Anyway, I have no advice because I just say I love being surrounded by boys but I'm not sure everyone is convinced .

Mama to Finn (04/05) Arlo (04/07) and Henry (04/10)
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#26 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 06:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hahahaha! I love all these responses! I was just talking to a friend who I think summed it up well. She said "Society in general just wants you to have one of each gender and they can't be happy if you dont do that."

Thanks for all the stories!

Michelle

, mama to DS(7/)22/02) DS (8/14/04) , and an angel (3/10/10)nursing a broken heart...loving my boys.
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#27 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 06:14 PM
 
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I was the third of six girls. By the time my youngest sister was born, people had abandoned any pretence at tact and said things like "Oh, what a shame!". FTR, we were SO happy she was a girl! By that point we really didn't want boys. Even now, when people hear I have five sisters they feel compelled to offer sympathies to my dad. And people think it's hilarious that I (the only one of my sisters to procreate thus far) also had a girl... as if it were set in stone by my family history, never mind that DH came from a one girl-one boy family. I would've gotten comments if I'd had a boy too, though...

That's one of the things I'm least looking forward to about being pregnant again, actually! People's desire to find some kind of... conspiracy... in our children's sexes.

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#28 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 06:16 PM
 
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People are just rude, as far as I can tell. This is our second, we don't know the gender and as soon as people found out they were already telling us they'd be keeping their fingers crossed for a boy, since we already have a girl, or they knew we'd decided to have another one so DH could have a son. Ummm....no. Actually, DH doesn't care one way or the other and I think it would be kind of cool to have another girl, so DD would have a sister (I'm very close to my sisters) and this is the only other child we're having.

I understand how you feel, because even though this is only #2 for us, the idea that people will either be disappointed themselves or think we are disappointed with a certain gender makes me soooooo mad. It's infuriating and rude, and it's like saying one gender is going to be a disappointment to them.
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#29 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 06:22 PM
 
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I've gotten this also since I already have 2 girls, but it doesn't annoy me at all. We're thrilled to finally be getting a boy in the mix, but to be honest, if I never had a girl, I'd be despite the love I'd obviously have for my hypothetical boys. I love doing girly things with my girls, which isn't for everybody, but I am pretty girly myself . So, I guess I kind of understand what people mean and I don't blame them for having an opinion about it. Boys and girls are just different (one isn't "better" than the other). Some mama's I know are happy to never have girls, some are to never have boys, some don't care what they get- but all want healthy little babies, that's for sure

dd1 4/7/05 dd2 8/22/07 and b/g twins born 5/23/10
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#30 of 45 Old 02-08-2010, 10:26 PM
 
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And people think it's hilarious that I (the only one of my sisters to procreate thus far) also had a girl... as if it were set in stone by my family history
This is us too, dp has 2 brothers, so does his dad, and so did his grandpa, and his brother has 3 boys and so do we. No girls at all, lol!
And five sisters!! Wow, that's awesome, I have two, and we're very close, I can only imagine if there were six of us!

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the idea that people will either be disappointed themselves or think we are disappointed with a certain gender makes me soooooo mad. It's infuriating and rude, and it's like saying one gender is going to be a disappointment to them.
: People aren't just dissing a specific gender, but a little person, you know? There is actually a little boy in my belly, how in the world could I be disappointed and how in the world could someone look at me with pity??

Mama to Finn (04/05) Arlo (04/07) and Henry (04/10)
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