When should I tell the father to be? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-17-2010, 07:43 PM
 
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I agree with Rock Star. Have a third party present when you meet Papi, and meet in a public place. Don't take any unnecessary chances.
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Old 02-17-2010, 07:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe what I can do is to chat someone that can give legal advice,I'm looking for a legal mama here or I'll check out legal aid or one of the universities here. Maybe they can even be the one who requests the meeting with Papi and will come with me and my friend who really needs a name so he shall be Amigo cuz that's fitting for a Spanish speaking friend. lol

I was thinking last night of something I want Papi and I to agree on and it may not be that easy,but I don't want him to say bad things about me. All I ever heard about the mother of his daughter were bad things. All I ever heard from my mother about my father were bad things. It made me confused and made me hate my dad cuz that's what I was taught. I'd like to agree in writing that neither of us say negative things about each other to the baby or to anyone else really. This,I imagine will be super hard to have in writing.
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Old 02-17-2010, 09:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by EFmom View Post
ASAP would be best.
I agree. I wish you could tell his soon to be wife before they get married.

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Old 02-17-2010, 10:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If he was telling the truth about getting married to her then they are all ready married and raising their baby together.

I anticipate him calling me "bad and crazy" and again and telling me how impossible it is for a baby to have been made by the two of us. We will misunderstand one another and I will not be able to say what I really need to say. We can NOT talk on the phone at all the language barrier makes it way to hard for that.

Telling him the news is going to be most important thing to do and telling him what I expect from him in terms of support etc... is hard. I just want to be clear about everything from the start and make sure he knows what I'm wanting. I feel like if I tell him before I figure out a few things I'll mess everything up for my baby.

I all ready feel pretty crappy for not doing what's best for my baby in the way of eating properly. I have to forgive myself for that though since I wasn't able to eat anything really in the last few weeks but now that I'm feeling better I can start now to eat better.

Please remember that I only found out 3 days ago. Just 3 short days ago and I need time to take a deep breathe and let it sink in and decide what to do for myself and then start to figure out how and when to tell him and check out what rights my baby and I have.

I have a lot of work to do in the next few weeks with seeing a nurse,getting the OLO program for some extra food,getting the vitamins,first appt. with the doctor in March,finding out the legal rights and getting the housework all caught up and figuring out a safe way to clean the cat box!

I'd like to tell him within the next 2 weeks. That means I have to find and talk to a lawyer or law student or someone and get some advice and try and arrange to meet though that is not going to be easy at all. I may end up having my friend call and explain it all to him,send a letter as well and then ask that he either start to build a friendship with me now for the sake of the baby OR not call me until I let him know the bay is born. I'm just afraid that he will call me and call me and ask questions that I can't answer or try to convince me that this baby is not his. I don't want to argue about it like they do on Jerry. A simple test after the baby arrives will give the answer.
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Old 02-17-2010, 10:21 PM
 
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One thing I want to bring up that might get me flames, is that once paternity is established, he can sue for custody. It is a very real possibility. And if he shows he has a much more 'stable' living situation, he could get a real chance at having full custody of the baby. I just wanted to let you know this, because it can be more complicated than establishing paternity and getting child support.

Ami

Wife to dh, Mommy to my heavenly angel, J (06), and my earthly angels, S (07) and E (10)

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Old 02-17-2010, 10:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah,I'm a little worried about the custody thing too. It wouldn't be fair to lose my baby to him just b/c I have less then he does. I don't think that being a mother on welfare automatically means that I will not keep custody of my baby though. Ecen on welfare I can make sure my baby is well fed and doesn't starve and has the basics,even if they are second hand and I can certainly keep my house clean.
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Old 02-17-2010, 11:49 PM
 
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If you are on welfare, you can get legal aid for free (514-864-2111). They are downtown on Maisonneuve close to Place-des-arts. Many private lawyers also accept legal aid so you can even shop around for a good one. Do not contact him any further until you have legal advice. Situations like this can degenerate quickly.

I do not think there is a rush to tell him. Your focus should be on yourself right now. Since you are no longer in direct contact with him and there does not seem to be any chance or you two ending up together, there is no real point to dealing with him while pregnant. Many men will try everything to manipulate you into an abortion or some other agreement to get them off the hook and that is just not something you want to have to cope with at such a vulneralbe time.

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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Old 02-18-2010, 12:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by soso-lynn View Post
If you are on welfare, you can get legal aid for free (514-864-2111). They are downtown on Maisonneuve close to Place-des-arts. Many private lawyers also accept legal aid so you can even shop around for a good one. Do not contact him any further until you have legal advice. Situations like this can degenerate quickly.

I do not think there is a rush to tell him. Your focus should be on yourself right now. Since you are no longer in direct contact with him and there does not seem to be any chance or you two ending up together, there is no real point to dealing with him while pregnant. Many men will try everything to manipulate you into an abortion or some other agreement to get them off the hook and that is just not something you want to have to cope with at such a vulneralbe time.

Thanks so much! I have a few other numbers to call now since I looked around tonight on the web. I wanted you all to know that since finding out I'm pregnant I've been trying to figure out the things that need to be done and broken it all down step by step and have started to look for the people who can help me with certain things.

Today was really the first time I did something for me since I found out. If all I do is worry about Papi and all that must be thought of then I won't be able to have "me time" to relax or enjoy all the mama to be stuff that I should be. So tomorrow after some business stuff I'll be sure to do some of the fun stuff.
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Old 02-18-2010, 10:47 AM
 
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MissMich, It sounds like you are already building a good support network. I just wanted to suggest that you might enjoy attending a few LLL (La Leche League) meetings. In case you don't know, LLL meets monthly to support and educate mothers who breastfeed. I met lots of good, like-minded friends at LLL when I was pregnant with my first child.

Good luck with your pregnancy -- it can be a wild ride! I always wish that I could find out *later* by not feeling symptoms of PG -- I always know before a positive test because of insane nausea.

Jean, happy HS mom to Peter (5), Daniel (9) and Lucie (2) and also someone new... baby.gif
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Old 02-18-2010, 12:23 PM
 
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I would just tell him. If he doesn't react well or doesn't believe me I would just erase him from my life and raise the baby on my own and forget about him. My baby would deserve better than to be a burden to someone.

Mommy to Violet Kisori born 3/3/10
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Old 02-18-2010, 02:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have the numbers of a couple different LLL places to call and another Mama here said to join early,like before the baby is even born so you can have a good relationship with your consultant. So I guess I'll be calling them soon.

The reason I need my friend to help me is the language issue. Have you ever traveled to another country where they don't speak your language? Imagine yourself at a flea market and you want to buy something. Well many of the people selling things will speak some English and maybe you speak a little of their language,but the transaction isn't that easy. Now imagine doing that over the phone. Papi and I get very frustrated on the phone when having serious conversation. We never talked much on the phone it was either on MSN or in person.

I may have Amigo help me write down in a very simple way what I need to say to him and then I will call him and read it out to him. If it gets out of hand Amigo can take over the call and explain it better then me. I have a feeling if I call he will not answer my phone even IF his number is still the same,remember he told me he would change all his numbers etc... If I can send him a text telling him "estoy embarazada" I can be sure that he will call me asap and let it ring and ring until I answer it! I may just have to send him a message on facebook if he doesn't respond to a call or text. I know that he still has the account though he did change the name of it.

I feel like I have to try and reach him and tell him. If not welfare will do it after the baby is born and they will ask for child support. I'd rather tell him now about the baby then after the birth.
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