Please don't flame me.....did anyone else feel like this about a 2nd child? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 01:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm so embarrassed to even be writing this but I really had to share somewhere because it is bothering me so much now.

BF and I were talking tonight and it came out (with much prodding from him) that I really don't feel the same excitement/anticipation/attachment that I felt with ds. First of all, when we were talking, I started to say it but then hesitated because I knew he wouldn't take it well, but he kept asking me what I wanted to say. I said, "you're not going to like it" but he isnisted so I told him how I felt.

His comment in reply was "I already see it, you're going to have problems with her just like I had problems with ds." first of all ds is not his biological child and we had a really, really bumpy road at first for a number of reasons. We go to counseling now and it's a lot better and they are very much bonded now, so I don't think that's a fair comparison anyway.

Secondly, it's not like I don't love dd or want her because I do, but Ijust have so much anxiety surrounding providing for her and caring for her, and a lot of guilt about bringing her into a situation where I will likely have to work right away again, when I remember how painful it was to leave ds at 5 weeks, and swore never to do it again.

I have SO many worries about our future with dd....how ds is going to react, and in turn how we will handle that with the added stress of a newborn baby. I'm also still battling depression and it is much less severe than it was, say 6 months ago, and I am on medication but I still just don't feel the same way.

I feel so horrible and rotten about this. I know that finances and amterial things are not the most important things, and that dd won't care whether her clothes are name brand or even matching for that matter, and newborn/baby needs are minimal, but with ds I put a lot of timea and effort shopping thrift stores and craigslist finding NICE secondhand stuff that all matched, and nice used brand name clothes, and just....everything. He had a room.

This baby has two plastic storage containers with some clothes and blankets and I haven't even finished (or hardly started) making her "special' blanket. We don't even have a carseat yet. I just feel like I'm shortchanging her. I try to focus on the positive which is that ds never knew what it was to have a father because it was him and I from the get go (and I overcompensated I think with buying him things and being maybe a little extreme about spending my EVERY moment with him even at the expense of my mental health), but dd will have me AND her dad who is over the moon excited about her, and her brother to love her.

Yet I just can't work up any enthusiasm and I feel so guilty. It makes me worry that I won't have the same insanely strong feelings for her that I have for my ds. And if I feel like this now, if I don't feel bonded to her when she is born, will I end up being irritated by her constant needs to nurse, be held, etc?

I just got NO support or empathy or anything from my BF over this and I feel horrible now like I am officially not a good mother. And to be a good mother and raise happy kids is 99% of what I care about in life.

If you read all this, thank you! If you ahve any words of wisdom I would love to hear them.

Very blessed mama to one bouncin' boy bouncy.gif (12/07) one angel3.gif who didn't get to stay (6/09), one potty learning, mess making divaenergy.gif(4/10), and one cheerful milk monster. aabfwoman.gif (12/11) Happy partner to the love of my lifedp_malesling.GIF.  

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#2 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 01:14 AM
 
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As far as I know... this is totally normal.

I went through the same with DD (my second child)

For me, the moment she was born I just stopped caring about all of that stuff and actually bonded with her faster than I did with DS (my first child)

I cant say the same will happen for you... but you may find after she is born that its really not as bad as you picture it all to be.

Artist, photographer, stay-at-home-mom and Marine wife. Mom to 4; a boy and three little girls.
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#3 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 01:27 AM
 
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Totally normal. At least it was for me. I didn't have time to read your whole post but from what it seems you are going through what most of us go through at some point during our pregnancy with our second. # 2 was planned just as much as #1 was for us and I was so happy but at the same time it took me until I was 6 months pg to really feel totally ok with having another one. I felt nervous about how dd was going to react, how we'd be financially, how it would affect my marriage and how on earth I would stay on top of it all. Then at some point it all came together and I felt fine about it.

I am so close to #2 and I would do it all over again (even the difficult birth!) to have him. Plus the first time around there is so much mystery and fantasy about what having a baby will be like but after you have done it you know what the reality is and as wonderful as it is, there is a great deal involved that requires a lot of you emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. I think that is why we look at it with some trepidation the second time around.

Best wishes to you!
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#4 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 01:31 AM
 
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I think I was somewhat excited (not as excited as with DS, but still excited) for the two weeks after I had my bfp... then through u/s I found out I was having twins. I've been in a state of dread ever since. What you are feeling is completely normal and will probably fade the moment you hold her. Right now I'd venture a guess you're worried about how she's going to fit in w/ your son... taking time from him, etc. All things I've been freaking out about as well. Know that your feelings are normal and everything is going to be alright.

Wife (32) to DH (33) Mom to DS 2 and Twin DD's born 8/11
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#5 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 02:25 AM
 
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It is very normal to feel that way with #2 and I would not be concerned at ALL about an inability to bond with your little girl. With #1, all our focus is on baby...with #2, so many other things come into play - including guilt and worry of how it will affect our firstborn, not to mention how we can possibly love another as much, and just plain being distracted by the care of #1.

It is okay, and normal...and you will see your little girl and fall in love all over again! With each one of my girls, the youngest (displaced) by the newest baby did go through a period of mourning - but it was really great to see how they naturally strengthened their bond with dh as part of coping with the family changes.

Tackle your projects one step at a time, but don't feel guilty for the amount of enthusiasm it brings you. You're a busy mama, and your love is like a flame - you WILL light your little girls candle and have plenty of love to go around. Be gentle with yourself, mama!!!

Cindy, loving wife of 15 years
homeschooling mama to 4 wonderful girls, and 1 boy!  praying for #6, sch, due 4/14/2013!

 

 

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#6 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 02:29 AM
 
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I just had a similar conversation with my mom!

Me: "Mom, so is the 2nd one...less exciting?"

Her: "Yeah, but you'll still love it."

Me: "What about by the time you get to #11?" (she has 11 kids)

Her: "Ok, about then you stop caring about the milestones and start yelling at the kids to clean and do school."

I suspect she was teasing b/c we all know the baby of the family is spoiled rotten.

Mama to expecting Babe 2
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#7 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 03:06 AM
 
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When I got pregnant with DD2, I wondered if I had enough love in my heart for both girls. I felt like I'd be taking away from my older daughter and I just couldnt imagine that I'd love DD2 as much as I loved DD1. I felt totally dubious that Id feel even close to what I felt for DD1. I worried about bonding with her and the time it would take away from my older daughter. And then DD2 was here. She looked right into my eyes and I knew right then my heart had grown enough to love both of them individually. She didnt take any love away from my first daughter, I just suddenly had *more*. It was an amazing change and I am deeply bonded to both of my girls.

Let me just say that all this is totally normal. EVERY mom at some point wonders if it's possible to love a new baby the way they love their older child/ren. Right now, Im pregnant with number 3 and the only thing keeping me going is knowing how Ill feel the minute I meet this little person. Otherwise, Im not sure I could go on.
Hang in there, feeling this way is a phase. Some day you will wonder how you could love her more or be more bonded.
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#8 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 03:52 AM
 
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As everyone else has said "Sounds normal to me."

I was horribly depressed throughout most of my second pregnancy. She was unplanned, and came at a bad time. I had been hoping to go back to school but because of the pregnancy I had to keep working (dh was finishing his BA, and I had already finished mine so thus had the higher earning potential). Couple this with being very attached to ds and worrying that I couldn't love two, and then through in psychotic mil "visiting" for two months, I was a mess. I cried every night. I felt no bonding with the baby. I didn't not want her but I didn't really want her either. I did no preparation for her arrival. It was a very dark time for me.

But then she was born and I loved her. The depression didn't go away and I had to battle PPD but you know it never changed that I loved her over the moon. And I too had to go work when she a baby, and I did feel lots of guilt over so (((Hugs))) but if it helps, she's now six and we're very close. She's a lot like me so we have lots to bond over.

Mama to Umberto 12, Camille, 9, Piper 7, Rowena 2, and Jude Therese Prenatal DS diagnosis due December 23.

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#9 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 12:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenTeaGinger61 View Post
As everyone else has said "Sounds normal to me."

I was horribly depressed throughout most of my second pregnancy. She was unplanned, and came at a bad time. I had been hoping to go back to school but because of the pregnancy I had to keep working (dh was finishing his BA, and I had already finished mine so thus had the higher earning potential). Couple this with being very attached to ds and worrying that I couldn't love two, and then through in psychotic mil "visiting" for two months, I was a mess. I cried every night. I felt no bonding with the baby. I didn't not want her but I didn't really want her either. I did no preparation for her arrival. It was a very dark time for me.

But then she was born and I loved her. The depression didn't go away and I had to battle PPD but you know it never changed that I loved her over the moon. And I too had to go work when she a baby, and I did feel lots of guilt over so (((Hugs))) but if it helps, she's now six and we're very close. She's a lot like me so we have lots to bond over.
Thank you so much....your post really resonates with me because those are a lot of the same issues we're going through. I don't NOT want her, I just have such conflicted feelings about the whole thing. I'm really hoping it doesn't turn into PPD.....I honestly don't know if our relationship (SO and me) could survive me having another major bout of depression at this point. And so of course I'm anxious about that

Very blessed mama to one bouncin' boy bouncy.gif (12/07) one angel3.gif who didn't get to stay (6/09), one potty learning, mess making divaenergy.gif(4/10), and one cheerful milk monster. aabfwoman.gif (12/11) Happy partner to the love of my lifedp_malesling.GIF.  

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#10 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 12:41 PM
 
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I have had a similar situation. What I noticed was that when baby came, I had two separate buckets of feelings. One was nothing but love for DD2. The other was a bucket of depression and life issues that I had to work with. But the love for DD2 and bonding we had was not effected.
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#11 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 12:49 PM
 
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yes. this is totallllly normal.. the guilt and all .. personally, i didn't have this the 2nd time, which from my friend's experience it seems that I was the weird one for not feeling like you do .. but i am totally feeling it now with #3 (a surprise baby) .. being aware of these feelings should help, you are able to process and deal with it now, it doesn't automatically mean you'll have a hard time bonding once she is here..

- Staci, Mommy to Mollie (3/06), Jamie (5/08), Annie (9/10) and Bently (2/13) chicken3.gif
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#12 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 01:05 PM
 
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Totally normal. I wish I had talked to someone about this when I got pg with #2. It took us 3 years to get pg with DS, and then I got pg at 5 months pp. I was shocked. I dealt with depression, which didn't help anything. I had guilt for not being more excited, guilt for not giving more time to #1, guilt for feeling that way. I talked to one mom who had 4 babies, all close in age. The little things - baby books, special items - they are all nice, but most importantly is love. You will love this baby just as much as your first.
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#13 of 14 Old 02-17-2010, 03:29 PM
 
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I am completely and totally not connected to this pregnancy. I didnt even want to be pregnant. Sometimes I think "I didnt want another baby". I know it would worry/bother DH, so I dont talk to him about it. I also know without a doubt that the moment I hold my next baby, all the hestitation and doubt will fade. So, I try not to feel too guilty. I mean with my #1 I had had a m/c, wanted a baby so badly, finally got pregnant, stressed through the pregnancy. #2 was a whoops, no work. It isnt surprising to not feel the same. I think it'a normal mama, dont fret!
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#14 of 14 Old 02-18-2010, 01:08 AM
 
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There was an excellent article in Mothering magazine a couple months ago called "and baby makes four" that addressed this exact issue! You are most definitly not alone. Even my mom told me "When you are pregnant with #2, you wonder how you will find space in your heart for the new baby. The one you have seems so wonderful and so complete. But then baby comes, and your heart grows. You'll never regret it." I cling to those words on my dark days, and I get them too. Hang in there!

CD'ing, homebirthing, milk making school teacher. Supporting my family on my income and trying to get out of debt in 2013!
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