How to say "Please buy off the registry cause I REALLY need it"? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 86 Old 03-07-2010, 07:53 PM
 
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I'm glad you've figured out something that will work for you, jennmiller. I hope your blessingway/shower is a complete success!

On a different note, what kinds of items do you feel need to be new for a baby? This is pure curiosity and I don't mean anything by it, but there aren't many items I didn't get as hand-me-downs or from yard sales. I did get a new carseat for my first, but I'll be using it again for my second as it won't have expired by then, and I suppose I'd want a new mattress for the crib if it were my first baby. Other than that, though, everything we got was used or could have been gotten used at a reasonable price.
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#62 of 86 Old 03-07-2010, 08:03 PM
 
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Wow, I guess some people really feel like a gun is to their head when someone asks "please buy off the registry, I really need these items". OP didn't say "Only buy off the registry, and if you don't bring a present don't come".

I'm sure if OP doesn't get the things she needs as shower gifts, she will manage to get them herself. But I see no reason why family and friends couldn't take into account that she has limited resources and be nice enough to buy from her registry instead of buying something she doesn't need. Dang, I want to buy something off her registry right now, just because I'm so turned off by the sentiments I've read on this topic!

P.S. I'm pretty sure house payments and bills aren't on the registry.

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#63 of 86 Old 03-07-2010, 08:15 PM
 
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Honestly, I don't care how you word it, you gotta do what you gotta do. If you are truly in need, I don't think it's rude and I think that the people who are close enough to you to attend your shower will understand that. I do want to point out one thing though......

I saw you post a comment that said "some things just need to be new". If you're only asking for high dollar items (like carseats, cribs, strollers, etc), you might find yourself being gifted items that are used. There is a good chance that someone will look at your registry, see that you need a carseat, and either realize that they can get a carseat cheap at a secondhand store or decide to give you their no-longer-in-use carseat that is who knows how old.

Just wanted to throw that out there

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#64 of 86 Old 03-07-2010, 08:20 PM
 
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I don't think anyone is saying it is rude to create a registry (maybe not 100% proper etiquette, but it's acceptable for baby showers), but I don't see why others are surprised by some of the comments on this thread.

This, IMO, is how baby showers work:

- Baby showers are first and formost a celebration of a new life, a day to pamper the new mom-to-be, not just with small gifts, but with love, laughter, cake/food, stories, hugs, congratulations, and excitement.

- Throwing a baby shower for yourself, or asking someone to host one for you, is really not the norm, and there will most definitely be people who think this is innapropriate.

- Gifts at a baby shower, while in general most guests will bring something, are not required, expected, and each one should be received with genuine gratefulness... even if they aren't what one needs/wants/registered for.

- again, registries are acceptable, but etiquette-wise, it's best to let that info travel by word-of-mouth of the host, not those pre-printed cards places like BRU give you to stick in invites. Registries can be thought of as a wish-list, and a way to organize for yourself what you want/need before the baby arrives. Bonus if anything off of it actually gets purchased. It is not rude, IMO, to NOT buy off a registry. A lot of older folks, especially, may prefer not to. Maybe they want to knit a special blanket, or enjoy picking out tiny pink dresses with bloomers - this is okay, and one should be just as grateful as if they had given you cash in a card.

-speaking of cash, I've never heard of a cash shower (diaper shower, yes) so I'm not sure how I would think about one if I were invited to one. If it were a good friend/family member, I'm sure I'd go and "follow the rules", but I'd really have to fight the urge to not pick something darling out at gymboree to include as well.

Not sure why I keep coming back to this thread, and the OP sounds like she's just confused about it all - not necessarily greedy, but needy. I just would hate for her to realize a week before her due date that she does in fact have to find a way to pay for a carseat, mama pads, cloth diapers, etc., b/c maybe she was counting on too much help from her shower. I think that's the issue I have, it's not something one should expect, at all.

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#65 of 86 Old 03-07-2010, 09:20 PM
 
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Wow, I guess some people really feel like a gun is to their head when someone asks "please buy off the registry, I really need these items". OP didn't say "Only buy off the registry, and if you don't bring a present don't come".
Actually, it's not that hard to assume she absolutely meant the latter considering the OP's request for a way to pretty much say the "only buy off the registry" part, and her view that showers are for the gifts, so the second is rather implied. It's not a gun to the head, but it's not any stretch at all for the first message to be translated to the second.

The blessingway is obviously the celebration of her impending birth/parenthood, and the shower is just as clearly the gift-giving ceremony for her. I'd never considered them quite so separate before, but that's just from my experiences, not her circumstances.
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#66 of 86 Old 03-07-2010, 09:49 PM
 
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Drummerswife: I couldn't agree more.

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#67 of 86 Old 03-09-2010, 02:47 PM
 
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Personally, I'd push for getting a registry gift, especially if it comes down to your finances. I found a poll about this, there's not many answers right now but it seemed appropriate.

http://www.tallyup.com/poll-answer/F...urpri-133.html
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#68 of 86 Old 03-09-2010, 03:10 PM
 
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I just talked to my MIL who is hosting the shower and here's the final decision: We're going to have a "picnic in the park" shower at the beautiful park near my house. Kids and dads will be welcome. We'll serve a few different kinds of sandwiches, veggies, fruit, salads and cupcakes. As a way to encourage people to buy from the registry, we're going to include a line on the invitation that will say something to the effect of "Buy an item from the registry and enter into a drawing to receive a pedicure at _____ spa." In a few of the invitations I will include a separate insert inviting that person to a brief blessingway ceremony that will take place at my home about an hour before the shower. This way I get to have the best of both kinds of celebrations. Thanks for all the input. I fell really good about our decision.
awesome! great ideas! i hope you have a wonderful time

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#69 of 86 Old 03-10-2010, 03:09 PM
 
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Drummerswife: I couldn't agree more.
I was thinking about this more, and realized it reminds me of The Office when Phyllis (or however its spelled ) offers to get pam "A romantic birdhouse" that her neighbor makes. I think it's almost rude to NOT buy off a registry. People can end up getting you things you don't need, and it's really a waste.
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#70 of 86 Old 03-10-2010, 03:48 PM
 
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I once hosted a shower for someone who later complained about all the stuff she still had to buy herself because people did not buy off the registry. I thought it was incredibly rude because it was as if she put the responsibility for caring for her child on guests who were trying to share in her special moment. I think the best advice given was enjoy the day with minimal expectations and have a plan to buy the things that are absolute necessities.

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#71 of 86 Old 03-10-2010, 05:12 PM
 
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I think it's almost rude to NOT buy off a registry. People can end up getting you things you don't need, and it's really a waste.
I couldn't agree with this more.

I've seen so many people mention here how 'rude' it is to ask for what you need. What about how rude it is to buy something that you want to buy with no regard to the needs of the baby and parents?

It reminds me of my ex MIL when DD was born. She loves buying presents, so she always asked what we needed. She asked over and over, "Do you have a crib? Do you need one?" I told her no, we don't need one. It is a big ticket item and the money spent on it would just be wasted since we didn't intend to use the crib. Well, she went ahead and bought a crib anyway. And not a nice regular crib we could have tried using. No. A portable crib that we "could use when we were away from home." I'm sure it was over $100. Never used, not even once. Of course I smiled and said thank you when she gifted it to me, but I had to wonder what possessed her to do that? That type of gift is not for me or DD. It was for her, plain and simple.

There are exceptions to buying from the registry, like homemade gifts, something special or useful I forgot to add, or second hand clothing or hand-me-downs. I have a friend who has a girl a year older than DD. At every bday party she brings a gift plus a bag of clothes her DD has outgrown. I tell you, that is probably the best gift ever!!! I love that she was thinking of us, and that she is making the best use out of clothes that may have otherwise been thrown. I just can't wrap my head around the wastefulness associated with showers.

My best friend just had a baby girl. I can't imagine buying her something she wouldn't be able to use. I purposely waited until the last minute to see what all she got off her registry. Than I bought something from the registry that I knew she really wanted/needed but didn't get. I also gave her a box of baby stuff that I had left over from DD. There was plenty of small ticket items on her registry to buy. In fact, I can only think of maybe 3 things that were over $20.

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#72 of 86 Old 03-10-2010, 05:58 PM
 
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What about how rude it is to buy something that you want to buy with no regard to the needs of the baby and parents?
I would never buy a gift for someone with this attitude. A gift is by definition something that the giver wants to give.

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#73 of 86 Old 03-10-2010, 06:03 PM
 
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I would never buy a gift for someone with this attitude. A gift is by definition something that the giver wants to give.
I think most people would agree with you. I guess I just meant that I think a disregard to the registry is also a disregard to what the parents truly want/need. (And I'm not counting the things I mentioned earlier as being obvious exceptions. I don't think it needs to be noted that, "please buy off the registry unless you plan on knitting a blanket". I think the main point is that I find it odd that we need to even be having this conversation. But it is SOOO common to disregard registries, which makes it just as common to be concerned about up coming baby showers with tons of gifts that need to be returned or exchanged.)

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#74 of 86 Old 03-10-2010, 06:40 PM
 
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I've learned recently that any registry questions are going to become quick battle grounds of what is polite and what is not.

But- you obviously know your guests better than we do, and therefore I think you know how it would be received to ask what you're asking.

I say that the invite should just say the typical "Mom and dad to be are registered at myregistry.com"

And then in that space on the registry page for notes write pretty much just what you've written. People who don't bother to go to registries aren't even going to see the note- so they can't get upset by it. Others who may or may not typically buy off a registry might go there, see your note, and realize that you really need the stuff you registered for.

"Thanks so much for visiting our registry. Some of you have asked what we need most, so we've thought long and hard about what would be the most beneficial to us, and these are the items we truly need for our new baby."

Nobody has to know if nobody has asked you what you need most

Make sure you've included plenty of cheaper items on your registry, though. Nothing is going to make people buy packs of onesies like only registering for big ticket items!
i truly love how you worded the bold.

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i am always so shocked by these shower threads.

i realize that "manners" are regional/cultural/generational and there is a wide spread of what's right and wrong.

in my region/culture/generation, it is profoundly rude to NOT purchase off the registry (if you plan to give a gift, going giftless to a shower is fine) unless your gift is handmade or some other kind of special, unregisterable item. if you feel absolutely compelled to buy a cute outfit or toy, it usually accompanies something the person has registered for or a gift certificate for the registry.

i view showers as an opportunity to celebrate a new life, the parents, and, as a community, help provide for the many needs of a new baby. just like a wedding, life changes radically, and it is a privilege to be part of a supporting community to help people move into a new season of life.

without knowing what people need, i am just wasting money, regardless of my good wishes.

ETA: to the OP, i really liked the way you worded your request in the first post. the people who are coming to your shower and plan to bring a gift care enough about you to know your family is struggling. i would not hesitate to express your true need or have your MIL express that to invitees for you. it's not greedy when people are OFFERING. most shower guests come offering something and will spend their money in some way.
i am totally with you! i think it is rude to NOT buy off the registry if you know about it! i know that anything i buy off the registry is a wanted idem and will be used. i am sometimes socked at how far PC can go.

i have no kiddos of my own so i can only speak about being a gift giver. i hate when people dont have a registry. i would not be put off by the (bold) above. i think its greedy to be a selfish gift giver too!

i think the greedy rant can go both ways. it just depends what side you are on. when i buy a gift i want to know they are truly going to help and not just be cute.

if you can afford anything off the registry then do a gift card for what you can afford.

maybe i am off my rocker, but i like to give gifts that i know people want. and in cases like baby showers and the such i would like to think people would want to give me gifts that they know i would want. i also like to think that i am a VERY thankful, not greedy person! with that said that is why i feel the same way when i give a gift.

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#75 of 86 Old 03-10-2010, 08:29 PM
 
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I have to say I always, always buy stuff off the registry (whether it be baby, wedding, or whatever). I figure these are items that the person has already decided they want/need so it will make them happy. On rare ocassion we've given money if we knew from the individuals that they are really strapped for cash.

But I have to say, if I got an invite that said "please only buy off our registry" I'd be really put off. And you don't need to say where the registry is, I'll find out (and people who don't find out probably weren't going to buy off the registry anyway). I think putting a note like what rhiOrion suggested (quoted above) for when they actually get to your registry.
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#76 of 86 Old 03-10-2010, 11:24 PM
 
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But I have to say, if I got an invite that said "please only buy off our registry" I'd be really put off. And you don't need to say where the registry is, I'll find out (and people who don't find out probably weren't going to buy off the registry anyway). I think putting a note like what rhiOrion suggested (quoted above) for when they actually get to your registry.
Just curious here, how would you find out? Would you seriously contact every store that carries baby items to find out if they've registered? Or would you just ask the mom, or person throwing the shower? See I would just think that would be putting my guests through a lot of hassle when it is simple to just say 'registered at target'. In fact, a lot of pre purchased shower invites have a special spot to add where you have registered. I can understand the point of view of not saying, "please buy from my registry" (even though I don't totally agree with it). But not even including that your registered? I've never heard of that. Am I reading your post wrong?

Also, I think this depends on your guests as well. When I had DD I was only 20-21. Some of the guests were childless 20 year olds. They probably had no idea what to buy and were happy to have something to go on.

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#77 of 86 Old 03-11-2010, 12:02 AM
 
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I think it would be super easy to ask the host when you RSVP if the mom-to-be is registered anywhere or needs anything in particular.

Did you all read the post in TAO about a baby shower? The OP was asking what she should buy, b/c items in her price range on the registry were bottles and crib sheets - which are not the funnest things to purchase (nor are they exactly AP, right?). It's similar in that, maybe those are the exact things that mom-to-be is needing. She got good suggestions of doing a combo of something off the registry, and something different... just saying, there really is no right or wrong way to buy a gift for a baby shower. You can buy off the registry if you feel like it, or not. The thing is, a gift is a gift is a gift. The recipient should be grateful for anything given.

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#78 of 86 Old 03-11-2010, 05:18 AM
 
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I think the OP is clearly not the kind of mama who is expecting people to provide for her family and would be really upset if people don't do as she wishes.. What I hear her saying is that they could really use a few things and she wants to find a polite way to ask people for them. I think in her situation, having a shower is a nice way to help cushion the impact of her medical situation, and she's not being ridiculous or selfish for assuming that she might receive items at the baby shower. Most Americans associate baby showers with gift giving and celebrating the new baby, making the family feel special and supported. If showers are for the guests to buy whatever they think the mom and baby need, how does that help the mom or the baby in the event that the mother is breastfeeding or co-sleeping and she ends up with a billion bottles and a crib set? I'm sure most women would be very appreciative of their gifts either way, but what if you have a small house and no where to put this crib and you really need to just take it back..? I hear the OP saying that she really just needs a few things and is looking for advice about how to word it.

My suggestion is to write something along the lines of: Baby needs very little, but here is where we are registered if you would like to help with the things mom & dad could use the most! I just sort of came up with that, but if I were to read it I would think it was practical and thoughtful without sounding rude at all.

Please don't get caught up in feeling like you're being selfish for asking for what you need. I think your friends and family will hopefully know you better than to think that of you, and will genuinely want to do something sweet for baby. If you get things you can't use, you can take them back. I got duplicates and so much pink stuff without receipts and I just went with it. I tried to find ways of using the gift cards from the returns for things we needed and it mostly worked out!

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i think the greedy rant can go both ways. it just depends what side you are on. when i buy a gift i want to know they are truly going to help and not just be cute.

i

My mom used to always spend her money on things we didn't want or need but she thought was nice. For a long time I just smiled and nodded. Finally I told her the truth. We live in a small city apartment and her gifts although appreciated were a burden to us, not a blessing. It wasn't an easy thing to say or hear, but we have both benefited greatly from that conversation. She now asks about her gift ideas, her spending has greatly decreased (meaning more of her money is going into her savings ), and the handful of things we get from her are a true blessing - beautiful to me and beneficial. I also try to buy off the registry or I ask about an idea I have and will only purchase the idea if it gets a thumbs up.
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#80 of 86 Old 03-11-2010, 01:01 PM
 
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I have attended 2 showers now where it is a "cash shower" where usually before hand the person throwing the shower collects a cash "gift" from all attending party goers and then goes out and buys the actual items the person needs (we have a friend who got her bassinett, highchair, jumper, and a couple other things this way. It worked SO well.) The card said something to the extent of explaining that they were doing this to make the shopping load easier on everyone and to help the mama/papa to get what they really really need. The suggestion was on the card that if you had already got a gift do not feel obligated to give the money.
I know you've decided but this sounds like the best idea posted. I imagine that etiquette is different in different areas. I just really liked this idea.

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#81 of 86 Old 03-11-2010, 04:40 PM
 
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Glad you decided on a way to handle it! I think, personally, that a lot would depend on those attending the shower. If it was mostly close friends and family that I knew well, and I really was in need (been there) I would be fine putting a gentle suggestion on the invite. My last shower was thrown by a friend and invited the ladies from my DHs office, some of my coworkers at the time, friends, etc. I would not have been comfortable asking to that group.
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#82 of 86 Old 03-11-2010, 07:56 PM
 
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Just curious here, how would you find out? Would you seriously contact every store that carries baby items to find out if they've registered? Or would you just ask the mom, or person throwing the shower? See I would just think that would be putting my guests through a lot of hassle when it is simple to just say 'registered at target'. In fact, a lot of pre purchased shower invites have a special spot to add where you have registered. I can understand the point of view of not saying, "please buy from my registry" (even though I don't totally agree with it). But not even including that your registered? I've never heard of that. Am I reading your post wrong?
Nope, that's exactly what I'm saying. If someone in our circle of family/friends is getting married or having a baby it's an exciting event and the topic of many conversations! We usually find out from the person hosting the shower or the mom/dad/bride/groom's parents (depending on how we know the person).

Around here everyone registers for these kinds of events so it's just a matter of finding out where. And by the time we get the invitation my mom or MIL (if it's a relative) has already found out and it's very easy to get the info. Not a hassle at all, at least not to me.
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#83 of 86 Old 03-11-2010, 08:39 PM
 
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Nope, that's exactly what I'm saying. If someone in our circle of family/friends is getting married or having a baby it's an exciting event and the topic of many conversations! We usually find out from the person hosting the shower or the mom/dad/bride/groom's parents (depending on how we know the person).

Around here everyone registers for these kinds of events so it's just a matter of finding out where. And by the time we get the invitation my mom or MIL (if it's a relative) has already found out and it's very easy to get the info. Not a hassle at all, at least not to me.
I see. I think it's just different traditions with different groups of people. When I had my baby shower, there was a mixture of family and friends. Some of my friends probably had never even met my mom (the host) so they wouldn't have known to (or been comfortable) calling her for questions about gifts.

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#84 of 86 Old 03-13-2010, 04:32 PM
 
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I HATE showers. It seems so rude that the whole point of them is asking for gifts. I feel better about giving a gift to someone who hasn't asked for it. I do not like being invited to a shower for someone I barely know. And I also don't want to ask people to give me gifts. If they do it because they want to I will gratefully accept, but I want them to give because they want to, not because they were asked.

And yet, I DIDN'T have a problem with OP's ideas.

Maybe there's a difference between needy and greedy?

I mean, I look at a lot of these baby registries and there is so much expensive, unnecessary (IMO) stuff.

I had a problem with BRU for a long time. I felt like was all about stuff babies didn't even need but you were supposed to buy it to be a good parent (I didn't buy into that, but I got the idea that other people did). And I really hated how all the cribs had quilts, bumpers.... Those aren't even safe. FWIW, I also have a problem with the wedding industry...

I don't think this was a particularly helpful post, but it's kind of nice to know that showers really are a big issue.

I LOVE the idea of a blessingway. I think that's what showers should be -- celebrating life. They just seem about gifts to me.
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#85 of 86 Old 03-13-2010, 09:02 PM
 
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Slightly OT, but why ARE they still selling crib bumpers? I just registered last weekend and they are in ALL the sample cribs. They certainly cost a pretty penny. But you don't exactly have to be reading "crunchy" sources to read that they are unsafe. That's in pretty much all the baby books I've read.

I'm not loving the materialism aspect of all that baby stuff. It all seems so OTT. But my mom is really pressuring me about it. But I think that the OP was fairly reasonable.
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#86 of 86 Old 03-14-2010, 11:13 AM
 
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I haven't read through every post so forgive me if I repeat, but I just had a shower last week (FWIW, this is baby #3 for me and the first shower I've ever had so it was a new experience for me). Initially when I was asked what I wanted/needed it felt strange asking for anything, but then the reality set in that there would be expenses/running around to get this and that and there were items that would be handy for us to have, especially because after 7 years, many items that we got for child #1 need yo be replaced for child #3. Likewise, people would be getting us something so it would be better to tell them what would be truly helpful rather than end up with another host of gender neutral 0-3 mo. outfits (sweet, but by #3 we have plenty). I made a registry at alternativegiftregistry.org because I really liked that it let me write however much text that I wanted about each item and to link to any internet link rather than be store specific if you know what I mean.

I think that it was a little more personal to be able to say, we could really use item X because of reason Y relating to our family, and here are some places where you might find it or something like it. It also allowed me to give a range of item prices for each type of item wanted, and to provide general examples/features of the type of item requested rather than YOU MUST BUY ME THIS (e.g. I requested BPA free bibs with sleeves or "catcher" pouches and gave some examples of different brands/styles).

I also was very clear throughout the registry about being more than happy to receive gently used/handmade items in cases where it was hygenic/safe to do so. In some cases, a friend might be able to give or loan me the infant car seat or stroller that I'd only need for a short while It would be no cost to them but a huge potential savings to me (and there are items like a car seat that I would not feel comfortable purchasing used for safety reasons but I would take from a trusted friend as a used item. I could even specify, "I'd love a gently used infant car seat or one to borrow, provided that it is within 6 years of the date of manufacture and has never been in a car during an accident. Please avoid any previously used car seats whose safety history is not 100% known to you. We would need the seat for approx. 6 months."). In other cases, the person themselves might not have a gently used version of the item, but maybe they'd find one in their price range on Craigslist, ebay, etc. when purchasing the item new would be cost prohibitive for them. Likewise, maybe someone has a talent, like they're a great seamstress/has a serger (or knows someone who is) and can bang out a bunch of cloth wipes at little cost to them if I let them know that I'd love them and give some specifics (e.g. I'd love 2-3 dz. 2-layer cloth wipes, around 8" square. Double velour would be great or velour/flannel-at least 80% cotton content for the velour, please. Examples can be seen here, or here, or here").

In the end, many people at the shower went in on group gifts, buying us the 2 "big ticket" items that I had listed and I also have an infant car seat on loan as well as a gently used jogging stroller coming my way. For the other "want" items, DH and I participated in a big "mothers" baby item sale that goes on here twice a year. We spent $40 total on a used stroller that will work with an infant car seat (our old one was awful) and an infant vibrating bouncy seat (the two would have totaled around $200 new). Maybe some of your friends/family are familiar with similar sales or are garage sale freaks or something and they can source out bargains for you too to help minimize your expenses and use some of their "talents/connections/resources" to fill out your registry in a way that is more affordable for everyone, and allows for honest communication and personal freedom for the guests (I of course always preface the registry by saying something like, "here are some ideas of items that we could really use to make life a little easier for our growing family, but of course any gifts, good thoughts, and well wishes are much appreciated. Many of the items listed have examples provided but please feel free to deviate-important features if any will be mentioned in the item description."

Anyway, long and wordy but hopefully something in there is helpful. Good luck to you!

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