Anyone else? NOT "conceived in love?" - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 56 Old 05-10-2010, 09:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I realized the other day that his baby was NOT conceived in love. Do I love dh? Yes, but he was a rather unwilling participant since I was charting and demanding certain days of him..

My other kids were definitely conceived without that type of pressure.. this realization is making me a bit unhappy.

Dp is very adoring of my baby belly and talking to her and everything (he is very excited about her NOW) but the whole trying for a baby together bit wasn't working out that way really.. I mean we decided to have another baby together before we did conceive, but he kept acting like the whole deal was such a chore.. he even admits it.
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#2 of 56 Old 05-10-2010, 09:26 PM
 
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Oh yes, dh laughs and laughs and the biggest joke amongst all of our friends is how after 2.5 weeks of every other day trying dh "accidently" "hurt" his back at the gym and could no longer perform from the extreme pain (eye roll here)...thankfully I ovulate early and we had already conceived. We planned for this baby (our second) like crazy people! we knew almost 2 years ago that this past fall we would start trying and hope for a summer baby. Dd was conceived in the throws of passion during some period in the first 3mths I had even met hubby so for us this was VERY different lol.
I will never think, and refuse to ever think that this baby or my dd were conceived in anything but love. Dh and I love each other deeply and we love both our children even more then they will ever imagine. Will this child be any less special or loved because she was not a surprise? nope. Did her conception mean any less to us? nope, it was actually looked forward to with loving anticipation and hope. Did dh and I dtd because every other day for 2+ weeks because we passionatly needed and wanted each other? lol..not a chance, but for us dtd is still a physical manifestation of our love for each other whether or not both of us were compeltely in the mood to begin with is inconsequential in my mind.
I think its just a matter or changing your thinking. I do not believe that I will ever dtd with hubby and "know" that in that moment I conceived a child, I simply am not that type of person. For us we conceived this child in love, because we wanted her, anticpated her and looked forward to the time when she would be conceived...whether she was the result of a romantic roll in hay or if she had been an invitro baby she still would have been conceived in love...
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#3 of 56 Old 05-10-2010, 10:13 PM
 
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These babies were probably conceived with me demanding that my DH drop trou and do his duty. I distinctively remember yelling "I HAVE A CHART!!!!" I'm not upset about it though. We both wanted a baby. I just happened to be the one charting and holding him accountable. I agree that a change in perspective might be good.

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#4 of 56 Old 05-10-2010, 11:42 PM
 
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With our second, she was conceived because I was going "We have to do it every other day! It's an OTHER day!"

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#5 of 56 Old 05-10-2010, 11:44 PM
 
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Originally Posted by phathui5 View Post
With our second, she was conceived because I was going "We have to do it every other day! It's an OTHER day!"
*snort* Our husband's should form a support group.

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#6 of 56 Old 05-10-2010, 11:46 PM
 
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my first 2 kids were conceived that way.. this one was a surprise.. don't beat yourself up over it.. ttc is hard, i hate it, my DH hates it.. but you do what you have to do to make a baby in a timely manner

- Staci, Mommy to Mollie (3/06), Jamie (5/08), Annie (9/10) and Bently (2/13) chicken3.gif
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#7 of 56 Old 05-10-2010, 11:49 PM
 
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And you know, there are all kinds of way to show love. Sometimes love is sucking it up and doing something even though you don't necessarily feel like doing it.

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#8 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 12:05 AM
 
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And you know, there are all kinds of way to show love. Sometimes love is sucking it up and doing something even though you don't necessarily feel like doing it.


we do it for them all the time (making supper, for example. I suck it up when Im super tired just to make DF happy lol)

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#9 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 12:06 AM
 
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Our first was HUGE surprise, as in... we had been dating like 2.5 weeks when we found out (oops!!) LOL but our second and third?? Definitely something along the lines of "No we can't have sex today, we had sex yesterday... every other day from the time my period starts!! why can't you remember that?!?" DH think it is funny and doesn't mind... it only took us one cycle each time to get pregnant so it was only a couple weeks of me pestering him about our sex schedule.

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#10 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 01:13 AM
 
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DD was conceived one evening that DH still speaks fondly of... passionate love, sexy evening, etc.

DS was conceived on CD #17. I was using ovulation predictor strips, and e-mailed DH at work to tell him that he'd better clear his schedule for the next several evenings, and he better be ready, because he had work to do! This was our 7th cycle trying, so he knew the drill.

I think it would be neat and cool if every baby we have was conceived from a passionate love making session, but that's just not the way life works. I prefer instead to remember that on the day we conceived DS, we'd gone on a lovely 3 mile hike with our daughter and dog, and hence, didn't have much energy for a romp in the hay.

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#11 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 01:27 AM
 
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This is kind of the reason I specifically didn't tell my husband, "We have to have sex today and tomorrow, I'm in my fertile period and my cervical mucus is looking awesome. Come on, let's go! Time for you to do your duty!" I didn't want him to feel like a sperm donor. As far as he knew, I was just turned on a lot!
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#12 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 02:04 AM
 
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"This is kind of the reason I specifically didn't tell my husband, "We have to have sex today and tomorrow, I'm in my fertile period and my cervical mucus is looking awesome. Come on, let's go! Time for you to do your duty!" I didn't want him to feel like a sperm donor. As far as he knew, I was just turned on a lot!"

lol That's me too.

Me : DD 5/05: DS1 7/06 : DS2 11/07: DS3 3/10
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#13 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 04:31 AM
 
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It's honestly never occurred to me to be bothered by it. DD was "whatevered". It does bug me a little that I can't remember the exact occasion she was conceived... I was pregnant 6 weeks plus before I found out. It seems like an occasion that momentous should be remembered, you know? But... oh well! I'm sure it was, um, nice.

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#14 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 04:43 AM
 
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All 3 of the babies I conceived were due to my saying, "It's time-let's do it!" My dh wanted it to be more mysterious and romantic, but frankly, I'd be charting my cycles for over 5 years before we started ttc my first in order NOT to get pregnant. I knew exactly when the time was ripe and I couldn't just pretend I didn't know where I was in my cycle, ykwim? So, no, it wasn't romantic but they were all conceived with love.
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#15 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 05:37 AM
 
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Pino- all that really matters is that your child is loved and wanted and you REALLY did try hard to get her so she was conceived in love in my opinion. You might not have orgasmed or whatever during sex but who cares, your baby is what you wanted, not an orgasm! As for your DH, it sounds like he really wants the baby and will love it and loves you so in that sense this baby was conceived in love.

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#16 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 06:13 AM
 
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DS was conceived after 2 years of trying and nearly 7 months of fertility treatments, the twins after a year of trying and on the 4th month of treatment. There is nothing romantic about being told by a nurse when you have to have sex... (phone rings) ok DH, she said i should O w/in 24 hours that means sex tonight, tomorrow and the next day... and oh, excuse me while I go give myself the shot that will make sure I O... ignore the bruise on my stomach from that...

That said, even tho it wasn't a magical special romance novel night makes our children conceived no less out of love. Because we love each other and shared in the desire to have children we went through the hell of fertility treatments. That makes the decision to have children one out of love.

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#17 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 08:50 AM
 
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I really don't think it makes much of a difference how the sex went down that made your baby. What matters is that you both want this baby and are excited. This is a baby that is loved and wanted, and is all that matters.

I thought you were going to be posting more about an "oops" ... which is what happened with us for this baby. I have been ready for another, but dh was not on board. I was charting fertility signs to AVOID and we had a clear conversation a few days before "prime time" about him needing to use protection. Well, we had a fun night out with friends, and drinks, and .... yeah. This one was conceived. Sure it was a fun, passionate night but it's not like we made beautiful love and this little one was planned. Dh was shocked and to be honest, upset at first.

But we love eachother and he is getting excited about this baby. I've never once felt sad about how this baby happened. I believe everything happens for a reason and this baby is a wonderful blessing, yes, out of love.

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#18 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 09:47 AM
 
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ds1 and ds2 (twins) were oopses, conceived in a quickie.

ds3 was after almost a year of charting/acupuncture/etc.

this baby was after several cycles of charting.

NONE of our babies were "conceived in love" the way you're portraying it, but to me they were ALL conceived in love. Dh and I love each other. Deeply. None of these babies would exist without that. And yeah...even with the strict timing of charting and TTC, even if it's a routine/chore/whatever...your dp is still participating because of a shared goal, a love for you, a love for your family...that's love. It's nothing to dismiss. Honestly, anyone can have a passionate night of sex...it's something much bigger to work together to plan a child and a family.

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#19 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 09:48 AM
 
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I really don't think it makes much of a difference how the sex went down that made your baby. What matters is that you both want this baby and are excited. This is a baby that is loved and wanted, and is all that matters.
What she said.

Your child was conceived in love, even if the "love" part of the evening was planned.

Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. ~Dylan Thomas

 

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#20 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 09:54 AM
 
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This baby was conceived in "Do I have to use a condom?" "Nah, I ovulated over a week ago" and the postive pee stick a couple weeks later wasn't received much more romantically.

If you love each other, the baby was conceived in love in some sense. I don't think any of us want to know what our parents were thinking while we were conceived. At least I sure as hell don't

DD1 7/13/05 DD2 9/20/10
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#21 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 09:58 AM
 
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If you love each other, the baby was conceived in love in some sense. I don't think any of us want to know what our parents were thinking while we were conceived. At least I sure as hell don't
Oh wow...GOOD POINT.

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#22 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 10:02 AM
 
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My first was the result of lots of charting, drugs, and anything but the romantic sex you see on TV. However, he was very much wanted and loved the minute we found out about him (after the shock and $60.00 worth of pregnancy tests to confirm that we actually conceived).

My second was an "oops". We weren't trying and didn't even think we were capable. We were both shocked and I was worried quite about about the transition and timing of it all. That said, he's been loved from the get go and is now our crazy spunky monkey.

I don't know if there is an ideal way to conceive, but really in the long run, when you have a loving family, kids underfoot, painting the walls, demanding you non-stop, smothering you with slobbery kisses and making you laugh, the conception for me, is small potatoes.

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#23 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 10:03 AM
 
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I sure hope "conceived in love" doesn't mean "during totally awesome romantic sex" because if that's the case, I don't think any of my kids have been. I have no sex drive at all and could go the rest of my life without having sex and it wouldn't bother me. I don't think that means my children weren't conceived in love.
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#24 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 10:48 AM
 
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Hm, DS1 was a "hey, I know it's after 11, but how about it?" and this one was just random - both times I thought I'd already ovulated, and later through my chart realized the timing was pretty good for conception. We were trying both times but are really, really lazy!

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#25 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 10:54 AM
 
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If we conceived the first time we DTD that cycle... it was quiet and sneaky sex because we were sharing a hotel suite with his brother and sister-in-law, nephew, mother and my two kids lol

but it was his first time home since going to Iraq! No one would blame me, I know!

The decision to leave it up to fate came towards the end in a conversation along the lines of.

"Is it safe?"
"No, I ovulate in like three days"
"Oh... Uh... I dont care?"
"Yeah, I dont either"

if it was any of the times after that it was just still not caring.

Until the day after O when he wouldnt so much as touch me because he was starting to have second thoughts and I laughed and told him it was too late anyway (but he still wouldnt do anything until the next day darn him!)

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#26 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 12:13 PM
 
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My first 2 were concieved in stirrups, with a syringe up my who-ha, in the reproductive endocrinologists office. We both wanted to have those babies, but it simply was not working out the 'old fashoned way'
Baby 3 was concieved the old fashoned way, but I found out a few months later that DH was fooling around AGAIN, and I filed divorce even before that little guy was born. It was a difficult pregnancy, I did not want to be pregnant in that sitsuation. All of my guys are happy, well adjusted and well loved. I don't think the 'conceived in love' thing really would have made any difference...We'll see, the little one I am carrying now was concieved in love in a moment of "oops, did we forget the condom?' passion.

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#27 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 12:32 PM
 
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#28 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 12:42 PM
 
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We all make sacrifices for agreed-upon goals. If we agree to say, paint the living room, then yeah, we might suck it up and get it done even if we don't feel like it. If we agree to try to conceive and child and nothing has happened in five months, then yes, we both might suck it up and and have intercourse even if we don't necessarily feel like. It's not as if anyone is slipping someone a roofie, for heaven's sake.

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#29 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 12:42 PM
 
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If DF and I only ever DTD when we were BOTH in the mood we would almost never DTD.

Theres a huge difference between asking them to DTD when they arent in the mood and demanding they do or you will cheat on them/leave them which I am nearly POSITIVE none of the ladies on this thread have done to their hubbies, nor would do.

Im sure, if the hubby resisted enough, all of them would back off. I know if DF is REALLY not in the mood, I back off. Hes the same. But if we dont at least approach the subject when the other isnt in the mood... our moods would rarely match up.

Im quite offended by the suggestion that trying to get your spouse/SO to DTD when they arent the one immediately approaching the subject is degrading.

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#30 of 56 Old 05-11-2010, 12:44 PM
 
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Im sure, if the hubby resisted enough, all of them would back off. I know if DF is REALLY not in the mood, I back off. Hes the same. But if we dont at least approach the subject when the other isnt in the mood... our moods would rarely match up.
That was a point I meant to make as well. Also, I'm sure I'm not the only person in the history of the universe to engage in a bit of hyperbole.

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