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I need last name help...

3K views 68 replies 41 participants last post by  ~adorkable~ 
#1 ·
So, I have a hyphenated given name that I love. I didn't change my name when we got married because I am a professional and name recognition is important in my field. Dh and I talked a lot about future babies' names and have flitted all over the place with ideas:

-we'll make up our own family name (Dh isn't fond of this idea
-I'll just suck it up and change my name
-Dh will change his name (He is not willing)
-Boy children will have the first part of my last name (otherwise it will go away) and girl children will have DH's last name
-Children will all have DH's last name
-Children will each have their own last name ie first part of my last name, DH last name, Dh's maternal father's last name, etc
-Giving children their first name, middles names, my last name, dh's last name

DH was concerned at first if the kids have different last names then people won't think they were "his". I countered that with, well, if we default to your name people might not think they were mine. He has since eased on this point. I just feel so stuck. I never imagined that what last name my child had would matter to me as much as it does. It probably doesn't help that Dh's family hasn't ever been very nice to me and in fact was very unkind to me for the first year we were married. I don't expect them to embrace our kids (it would be *wonderful* if they did but I'm not expecting it) so giving my children their name just seems wrong.

Anyway. If I didn't already have a hyphenated last name I probably would have just done that. Our current solution is giving the kids first name, middles names, my last name, dh's last name which makes for a very long name but seems the most equitable although I'm sure on the birth certificate the "last name" will be Dh's.

Why does this bother me? How do we move on? What would you do in a similar situation?

Thanks!
Jenne
 
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#27 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenne View Post
Thanks for the suggestions so far. I think if I had a relationship that wasn't so strained and awful with his family I wouldn't have such a visceral reaction to naming our kids that. I do not consider myself as part of dh's extended family and I'm not treated as if I am. Dh and I are our own family. When we file our taxes it is under *my* name. So, I sort of disagree about what our "family" name is...plus sometimes patriarchy just rubs me the wrong way. Sometimes it doesn't. Eh.
You could try not to think about his last name as "his family's" last name. Your children certainly won't think of it that way--they'll think of it as their dad's last name. It's him, not them, that you love and honor in your children's names.


In your situation, I would choose one of your last names and your dh's last name and hyphenate it. That's equitable, balanced, and seems like a great compromise.

I live in a city where a lot of families have different last names (wives, husbands, kids if they're hyphenated)...it's just not a big deal. I chose to keep my maiden name, dh kept his, and we chose to give all our kids his last name. Like you, I have a rocky/unpleasant relationship with his family. It blows my mind that my kids are 1/4 my MIL...or that dh is 1/2 my MIL!
But still, his last name is dear because of all the wonderful things he is. I'm happy the kids can share in that.

We chose to keep all the names of all our kids the same (last names, that is). We also considered the boy/girl division, but decided against it because we wanted them to share a family name. We would have considered a combined or hyphenated name, but adding my name to his makes it sound like a phrase.
No-go on that one!
 
#28 ·
I suggest that you give the child your husband's last name and keep your own. You may decide to change your last name eventually. In a few years, you may not need to keep your last name for your job. Since your husband seems to want the child to have his last name, and the state doesnt reconize hyphenated names, I feel like 2 people in the family ( DH and new baby) having the same last names is better than no one having the same last name.
 
#29 ·
I would personally give all the children his name. End of story. You don't need to change yours. Nowadays it's common enough that a parent doesn't share a last name with her children that it wouldn't be a problem. If you really want to have the same last name as your kids, you could change yours. Just make a huge deal out of it with everyone in your field. JMHO.
 
#30 ·
Hm, my perspective is a little different. I was raised by my mom. I had my father's last name and she took back her maiden name when they divorced. My mother then took in my two (unrelated) foster sisters. All four of us have completely different last names. And to top it off none of us (not even my biological mom and I) look alike.

As a kid I remember so badly wanting to be the "Smith" family (or whatever). It sounds weird, but calling someone's house and getting the "you've reached the Johnson's and we're not home" message always made me feel a little sad. I wanted there to be something tangible to identify the four of us as a family. And yes, I know a family is WAY more than a name. But as a kid being recognized as a family unit without all the questions and explanations would have been nice. I can't tell you how many times I had to correct people when they referred to my mother using my last name or didn't believe my sisters were my sisters because of our last names.

When my DH and I were engaged I knew I would take his last name. I wanted that outward sign of having a family unit. The funny thing is I don't think my married last name is particularly unique or beautiful or even goes with my first name all that well but I love it because it is our family name. In some ways I liken it to going to camp and choosing your cabin name. You spend the whole week be referred to as the "frolicking dolphin" cabin and it's kind of cool. It makes you feel a little bit closer to the people in the cabin and everyone else treats you as a unit. I don't know, I just dig something about that.

That being said I haven't a clue what would be best for your family. But I do agree with the PP that said not to think about his last name as his family's last name but as his alone. Good Luck!
 
#31 ·
I have sort of a similar situation. That I'll try to explain w/o super confusing anyone


DS's biodad and I were not together. I gave DS a hyphenated my LN-biodad LN, tho, in practical use, he uses DS My LN

I have since married. I hyphenated my LN. Of note, my DH ALSO hyphenated his LN to match. I personally find the hypnenated name a huge PITA, honestly, and it is mostly for solidarity with DH. In common use, I use only my LN most times.

DH's family is not emotionally close, to say the least. He does not feel any strong ties to his family, My father died when I was a child and I am immensely close with my father's family. So, when we had our first "together"- DD, we chose to give her ONLY my LN.

It is nice, bc, even tho DS has a different bio-dad, all of us in the family now have a common name.

The new babies will also have only my LN.

Sure, we get some raised eyebrows sometimes, but we explain that we really wanted to keep the tie to my father's family, and, depending on the audience, we will sometimes discuss how I feel that, as a culture, the practice of the children automatically having the husband's last name is rather antiquated, as we (thankfully) no longer view women and children as property of their husband. Although it certainly is really complicated, I enjoy that we live in a fluid time where surnames are being considered and thoughtfully chosen. (I love some of the thoughts of pp choosing one name to be a family unit.)

OP, I don't know if this is advice or even helpful, but I wanted to share what we had done in a similar situation.
 
#32 ·
Thanks for all the btdt stories! I really appreciate hearing how different people came into the situation, made choices that fit their needs, and how they feel about it.

Lucy- I hear what you are saying too. I was the *only* person in my family with my last name. Everyone else had just my Dad's last name. Like I said, now I love my name and it makes sense. But I do have a strong desire for a family unit name. Although I do know that matching names do not a happy family make.

DH and I talked last night and are still at an impasse. I guess when we stumble on or back to the right solution we will know. I did get to express to him how concerned I am that we have been discussing this for years and now we have a definite deadline. Anyway, thanks for the help, stories, and advice.

I truly appreciate it!

Jenne
 
#33 ·
Here is a few thought that go thru my head both as I married my dh and thought forward to kids and as i read this thread.
  • I do real like the feel of a family unit having a name in common.
  • I see no reason in the world why this should defalt to the guys and frankly I'm insulted when folks seem stuck on that or think me silly for being open to other things.
  • I had my name changed mostly by me to try to fit into my changing family life a few times in my young life, grew up with my mom and her name, added a hyphen and dads name in middle school when I went to live with him, dropped his and kept just my moms when I got married the first time. Said I might figure it out later before we had kids, kept my moms when I divorced 2 years later. Decided to chug to my 2nd husbands when I got married again 10+ years later.
  • I did not really like having a hyphenated name as a kid and even less as a young adult, I think I associated it with having split up parents
  • I was strongly voting for my now dh and I to pick our own new family name, but he really liked his name and the logistics with him in the army seemed really hard.
  • I really want my kids and both of us to have the same name in some good way so I thought about it for a while and was ok with changing to his name as I sign I was taking him and his gifts into my life.
  • Thankfully my first name us so unique and wonderful that most folks don't even pay attention to what my last was or is, I'm very often only known by my first. That was fine when I had my moms and it's fine now.

So with all of that the options for you that I like the best are:
  • Keep the part of your name that is dying out and hyphenate it with your dh use that for yourself and your kids, ecurage your dh to consider using it to as a bonus. He might be more into it depending on the order. Some folks feel the first of the hyphenated name seems more important some think it's the ending one.
  • Take the dying out name and make it a second middle name, non hyphenated. Then give them dh's last name.
  • Work more on getting you all all a new last name and when your changing folks to that make their old last name into a second middle name (I have 3 personally) the last name does not need to be a full combo, maybe start with the 2 or 3 first letters and write them down with some space in them and work on filling in the syllables.
In the end keep in mind that giving your kids a hyphenated name will bring up the challenge again for them and also will have the possibility that they will drop one or the other even before they get married.
 
#34 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by •Adorkable• View Post
In the end keep in mind that giving your kids a hyphenated name will bring up the challenge again for them and also will have the possibility that they will drop one or the other even before they get married.

My kids do have a long hyphenated surname. They are teens and are exploring options to changing their name as they finish college someday. This doesn't bother my hubby and I a bit. My child will be my child no matter what their name is. I did give them a list of surnames from the big, old family tree and told them to try those on for size first. My kids already have first names and middle names from the family tree... I see no reason why they couldn't skip back a generation or two and be an Atlas, Baxter, Kirsch or Brooks if they wanted to.
 
#35 ·
I don't know if you're still looking for responses, but this was a HUGE issue for us, so I thought I'd chime in.


Keeping my last name was very important to me, mostly for feminist-type reasons, but having the same last name as DH is also really important to both of us. He would have actually been willing to change HIS name when we married, but that would have really upset his family, who we are very close to. So we decided to put our names together, his first (so mine is the "more last" name, and it just sounds better). Because we got married and went to Canada to study at the same time, we decided that we would put off changing our names officially until later, and in fact, we've never gotten around to it. We have our separate last names legally, but go socially by our combined last name. I might add that we both have ethnic Dutch last names which tend to be difficult for non-Dutch people to pronounce, and DH's is harder for people than mine. So choosing to combine our names meant that instead of us just having a weird, hard-to-pronounce last name, we have a REALLY weird, long, and hard-to-pronounce last name. Wojotanowiscz-Muellerfrudengishun is only a slight exaggeration!


Then we had DD and had to rethink everything again! We decided in the end that it was really important for her to have both our names (and especially mine, since me keeping my name but not giving it to my DD sort of misses the point for us--she's my daughter too!), but we worried about getting her into the same situation you're in if she gets married someday... so we decided not to give her a hyphenated last name. We finally ended up giving her my last name, with DH's last name as a second middle name. So if you just read out her whole name you can't tell that her legal last name is different than our social last name--which will probably eventually be DH's and my legal last name. In fact, almost nobody knows that that isn't her legal last name. We're likely to do this again the next time around.

And believe it or not, we've had very little problem with any of this!

Good luck on whatever you decide! Fortunately, you and everyone else will eventually get used to whatever you come up with, even if it's difficult for people at first meetings.
 
#36 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by finnegansmom View Post
it does get tiresome to be at the doctors or hospital and have to say over and over again, YES I am the MOTHER of this CHILD.
My three kids have their dad's last name - which I do not go by. No one has ever once questioned me or thought they weren't mine. Maybe it is regional?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Svarupa View Post
Just so you know that families do it all kinds of ways -- whatever you decide won't really be weird or abnormal. What with divorce and blended families and all kinds of things today, lots of kids don't have the same names as their siblings or parents. I don't think people really assume a child isn't yours if he/she has a different last name.
Absolutely. I know TONS of families where the mom kept her maiden name. I know families where the sons got one parent's last name and the daughters got the other parent's last name. I know kids with hyphenated last names. With the divorce/remarriage rate so high there are siblings with different last names and kids with names that don't match at least one parent in EVERY class my kids have ever been in.

I think a woman keeping her name is admirable. I see the value in it. I understand why some women do it - as I did. I also understand why many women take their husband's name. What I wish more people thought about is that men almost never give up their name. It is almost unheard of. My sister and brother-in-law BOTH gave up their last names and took a whole new one - which I thought was super cool.

And although I LOVE it when kids get hyphenated last names, at some point you have to stop and drop something. Your kid has a hyphenated last name then marries someone with a hyphenated last name - their kids can't have FOUR last names!

In the OP's case, I'd hyphenate the baby's name to include ONE of mom's last names (grandparents will understand that you just can't realistically USE that many last names) - probably the one that would die out if she didn't but really whichever one she feels drawn to use, and put it with dh's last name.
 
#37 ·
Thank you all for the continued replies (Adorkable
)! I really appreciate the variety and depth of the responses. The best part about this thread is that DH is finally talking to me about this again. He had kind of closed down and I couldn't figure out why--he is a really open and sensitive soul so this was unusal. Turns out he didn't see any solution so he didn't feel the need to talk about it. Once we got that out in the air I could say, "Of course! That's exactly why we need to talk it out. This is a huge deal, emotionally for each of us, and will have possibly life long impact on our child. The only way we are going to move *together* towards a solution is by figuring out what our priorities are and working together." He was like
! So, the dialogue between us has reopened anew with our usual bright, loving, problem solving brains back in gear! Yahoo!


I'll keep y'all posted!


Jenne
 
#38 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenne View Post
Thank you all for the continued replies (Adorkable
)! I really appreciate the variety and depth of the responses. The best part about this thread is that DH is finally talking to me about this again. He had kind of closed down and I couldn't figure out why--he is a really open and sensitive soul so this was unusal. Turns out he didn't see any solution so he didn't feel the need to talk about it. Once we got that out in the air I could say, "Of course! That's exactly why we need to talk it out. This is a huge deal, emotionally for each of us, and will have possibly life long impact on our child. The only way we are going to move *together* towards a solution is by figuring out what our priorities are and working together." He was like
! So, the dialogue between us has reopened anew with our usual bright, loving, problem solving brains back in gear! Yahoo!


I'll keep y'all posted!


Jenne
Good luck.
 
#39 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenne View Post
We cannot do my last name as middle name because my state won't recongize a hyphenated middle name. I tried.
Whoever told you that is mistaken. I have sent in many birth certificates with hyphenated names of every variety. DH also has a hyphenated middle name. The DMV in his small town claimed it was an issue to print it that way on his license, but it is hyphenated in his birth certificate.

ETA: Jenne and I live in the same state. Hi, Jenne!
 
#40 ·
You got me very curious because the state telling someone what they can or can't go with their names is an issue for me. Here's what curiosity uncovered.

I referred to the official instructions for completing a birth certificate. Most of the instructions are geared toward confirming that the parents are right, no matter what they put on the worksheet. There were a couple of interesting things:

Quote:
Entries of Jr., Sr., II, etc. following the child's last name are acceptable whether or not the child's name is the same as the father's name. Although these entries are most commonly used for males, they may be used for a female if the parents desire such.

Quote:
The parents may use as many middle names as they want. When the number of characters exceed the space provided, call the OVR for advice in handling the entries.
So you can call give your child more names than fit on the certificate, and you can name your newborn a "Sr." or randomly name them a Jr. or a III. Whatever you choose to do with your child's name really doesn't matter to them, you say it and they print it (with the exception of the aforementioned legal requirements regarding the choice of last name).

Also, I just spoke to someone in the office of quality control of birth certificates for the state Office of Vital Records and she confirms there is no regulation prohibiting hyphenated middle names. She says if anyone gave you a problem about changing your last name after your marriage it was probably due to not being familiar with the practice, or not know how to fill out the proper forms.

Also, you can have two legal last names that are not hyphenated.

So regardless of what problems you had in the past, you can put a hyphenated middle name back into the pool of consideration for your baby.

 
#41 ·
I have not changed my last name, and I don't really want to. Both of my kids have DH's last name. Hyphenating wasn't an option because it looks and sounds really terrible together.

It's not been an issue for me with people thinking my children were not mine. I haven't attempted to take them out of the country by myself or anything, that's the only thing I can think of that might pose a problem.

If you're DH doesn't want to change his last name, then if it were me, I'd do a hyphenated option, for example if your name is: Firstname Jones-Smith and your DH's name is Firstname Rogers I would give the kids Firstname Smith-Rogers... that way both of you are represented in the name.

If you choose to give them just his last name, then it really doesn't take any more effort than to tell people you have not changed your last name since getting married. It's more and more accepted, and the only person who has given me crap about it is my MIL.
 
#42 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenne View Post
Sigh. So which name do I choose? My mother's given name or my father's given name? As a total aside I don't use the term "maiden" name because I didn't change my name when I dtd for the first time!


(actually, I would choose the first of my two names because I'm the last person in the family with the name...Grampa had one son who only had daughters...) Huh. That might work.

In your case I would pick the paternal last name to keep it going.
 
#43 ·
I'm using my maiden name again, my daughters have their father's last name, and DS has his father's last name. So that's 3 different last names for 4 people.

It gets confusing. I still answer to "Mrs DDlastname" and "Mrs DSlastname" because it always means "the mom of the child with that last name." I do correct people (dr's offices, school offices) with my proper name, but I still respond to the "wrong name" when it's first used, because there's usually a question about my child that's more pressing than correcting my name.

Being divorced twice, I really had no choice but to find myself with all these names in the house. Yeah, I could have kept DS' last name for myself when I split up with his dad, but that wasn't the right choice for me. But that woudln't have gotten all of my kids the same last name, which makes things more complicated when making dr's appointments and such.

In your case, Jenne, I'd suggest giving all your kids their dad's last name. It's not that hard to explain to people that you didn't change your name when you got married, but the kids have the "family name." You may even want to consider using your married name in your personal life, even if you don't change it legally or use it professionally.
 
#44 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenne View Post
Our current solution is giving the kids first name, middles names, my last name, dh's last name which makes for a very long name
Why not use your last name as their middle name? I had 4 siblings, and was the baby of the family. I was the only one that got a hyphenated name and I did NOT like not having the same last name as the rest of my siblings. I remember being aggravated in kindergarten because I was convinced my last name started with G, but on the paperwork it started with S, so lining up alphabetically was a challenge. I think whatever you decide to do, I would suggest you be consistent. Good luck, I know it's a tough decision.
 
#45 ·
I just want to hug you for having the same problem I'm having. The Husband and I get really excited and happy when talking about first and middle names but the minute last names come into play, boyo watch out! Fur flies.

My last name is extremely important to me and I'd love to start a tradition of the maternal last name being passed on. I think it makes FAR more sense to pass on the last name/tribe name/family name through the maternal side because we all know the baby came out of the mother and know for certain who the mother is. Plus, I have major issues with the concept that men forced their last name on women and children like a brand saying, "I own you."

The Husband can't explain his desire to give any child I have his last name other than, "I want it."

Maybe I can convince him that girls get my last name and boys get his last name.
 
#46 ·
My 2 cents...

I kept my last name when I married DH because everything I had accomplished in my life to that point, my identity as a person, was, in part, tied to my name--my entire name. Similarly, DH kept his name because of his own accomplishments, identity, etc. Signing a contract that legally bound us together didn't seem to justify either of us changing our last names (*especially* the whole "you're a new family" argument, which usually entails urging the new bride to take DH's last name, as though the last name didn't already reflect an entire family lineage...).

Now, we're expecting Baby #1 in September, and we've decided to hyphenate the baby's last name, so her last name reflects both partners in the relationship. Unfortunately for her, I have a fairly long German last name, DH has an even longer British last name, so baby will have an 18 letter last name that sounds like a battle in WWII!


I guess what sort of bothers me about some of these posts is the rather cavalier acquiescence to patriarchal norms of family names, the suggestion that OP may just up and decide to change her name someday when she's not using it for professional reasons (as if that's the only reason why women keep their last names), when in the first few lines of her post she says she *loves* her last name, and the persistent suggestion that kids should have the father's last name, even if mom has a different last name. It really hearkens back to the notion of children as the property of the father, and it's an attitude towards family construction that I find really disheartening to find at a forum like MDC...

Anyway, to OP: your dilemma of a hyphenated last name is certainly a complicated one! One of my colleagues from Spain has FOUR last names, and it's never been a problem for her, so perhaps embracing a different cultural standard might help your dilemma, even as it makes for a longer-than-average last name?
 
#47 ·
I did change my last name to DH's last name when we married and I regret it. I may change it back to my Dad's surname some day. I also regret that I didn't put up a better fight over the kids' last names. Even though I did express discomfort about them automatically getting his last name, I caved because it didn't really make any sense, since I had that last name too.

PP said it really well about the discomfort with the automatic assumption that the 'new family name' is the man's name. I'm deeply uncomfortable with the patriarchal echoes there.

However, I also see another side of the coin. As another PP said, the kids come out of the woman (bio kids), so why not get her name? I think it's precisely BECAUSE the kids come out of the mother's body that we give them Dad's last name. I will bear the marks of my motherhood on my body for the rest of my life. My kids will remember nursing at my breast. My husband feels strongly that his tie to them is not just that of a sperm-donor and his surname shows that they are his family too. I guess this is why I didn't make a fuss, but I'm still unhappy with all of us having his last name.

I also feel that sense of outward belonging that a single last name gives a family unit.

Lots to struggle with.

I have a friend who married a man who had been married once before. He was never close to his FOO and he took his first wife's surname (she was Jewish and it was important to her cultural identity to keep a Jewish surname). When my friend married him she obviously wasn't keen to take on his ex-wife's surname. She'd also felt some ambiguity over her own last name (her Dad's) because her mother mostly raised her. They took her mother's last name as their surname when they married. I love that story...to me it's a perfect example of two people really working together to define their own identity as a married couple.

ETA: We never discussed hyphenating because I was a MacD and he's a MacC. We did joke about hyphenating and calling our kids MacKenzie, MacArthur, MacKenna, etc.
 
#48 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurski View Post

I guess what sort of bothers me about some of these posts is the rather cavalier acquiescence to patriarchal norms of family names, the suggestion that OP may just up and decide to change her name someday when she's not using it for professional reasons (as if that's the only reason why women keep their last names), when in the first few lines of her post she says she *loves* her last name, and the persistent suggestion that kids should have the father's last name, even if mom has a different last name. It really hearkens back to the notion of children as the property of the father, and it's an attitude towards family construction that I find really disheartening to find at a forum like MDC...
Thanks. You have summed up what I was feeling nicely.
 
#49 ·
My husband's grandfather committed suicide while his wife was pregnant with my FIL. FIL was born with his mother's last name. He was subsequently adopted by his mother's next husband and given that man's last name, but he was an alcoholic abuser and his mother kicked him to the curb by the time FIL was 5. My MIL never changed her name when she married FIL, though they gave my husband his dad's last name because of the same backward sentiment that somehow her child was more entitled to that name.

I married my husband, I look at his family tree, his father is the only person in the world with the same last name that he's related to. Why on earth would I ever consider that name to be more important than mine?
 
#50 ·
Laurski- Thank you for your post!


NashvilleMidwife-
Thanks for your information! I was given bad information re: hyphenated middle name. Thanks for the help!

So, DH and I have been talking. His priority is keeping his name although he said he would strongly consider changing to a family name. I cried. Ugh. Hated it. I told him today that we really should have nailed all this down before I became a pregnant hormonal mess. He agreed!


I cried because I was really hoping this would be our solution. As previous posters have mentioned and I hadn't really expressed before (to DH) that having a "family name" was something I have always wanted. But, I'm getting over it.
I do love my name. It just fits me well. Sometimes we have to grieve one dream in order to move on to another...

I like the idea of doing mylastname-hislastname. That solution is the one DH is most on board with. We also are both okay with doing MLN HLN as the child/ren's last name. We are in agreement that the children should all match and it shouldn't be like how it was in my family where everyone had the same name and I was the oddball. Unless everyone has a different name which we are okay with. DH mentioned his mother's last name is also dying.


Anyway, thanks for all the responses! All the help! All the support! All the opinions! I sincerely appreciate it.

Jenne
 
#51 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Laurski View Post
My 2 cents...

I kept my last name when I married DH because everything I had accomplished in my life to that point, my identity as a person, was, in part, tied to my name--my entire name. Similarly, DH kept his name because of his own accomplishments, identity, etc. Signing a contract that legally bound us together didn't seem to justify either of us changing our last names (*especially* the whole "you're a new family" argument, which usually entails urging the new bride to take DH's last name, as though the last name didn't already reflect an entire family lineage...).

Now, we're expecting Baby #1 in September, and we've decided to hyphenate the baby's last name, so her last name reflects both partners in the relationship. Unfortunately for her, I have a fairly long German last name, DH has an even longer British last name, so baby will have an 18 letter last name that sounds like a battle in WWII!


I guess what sort of bothers me about some of these posts is the rather cavalier acquiescence to patriarchal norms of family names, the suggestion that OP may just up and decide to change her name someday when she's not using it for professional reasons (as if that's the only reason why women keep their last names), when in the first few lines of her post she says she *loves* her last name, and the persistent suggestion that kids should have the father's last name, even if mom has a different last name. It really hearkens back to the notion of children as the property of the father, and it's an attitude towards family construction that I find really disheartening to find at a forum like MDC...

Anyway, to OP: your dilemma of a hyphenated last name is certainly a complicated one! One of my colleagues from Spain has FOUR last names, and it's never been a problem for her, so perhaps embracing a different cultural standard might help your dilemma, even as it makes for a longer-than-average last name?
I hope my post wasn't misinterpreted!


I wish I would have put more thought into giving our kids their last names. I knew I didn't want to change my last name, but I didn't even think about not giving our kids DH's last name until I'd already had DS1's birth certificate in hand.. then by the time #2 came around, I figured that was that. Oh well.

Now that I am more and more feminist in my ways, I probably wouldn't do the same again. I wish we had taken a family name when we got married instead. Oh well again.
 
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