I need last name help... - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#61 of 69 Old 08-25-2010, 06:15 AM
 
babygrey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: The happy season between hot & cold
Posts: 674
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenne View Post
At our house we are at an impasse albeit we have narrowed to 2 options. 2 last names or hyphenated my first last name-dh last name.

Jenne
I'm glad you've gotten down to 2 options. Naming is such an emotional issue, and I really enjoy that we seem to be moving in our culture towards conscious choosing of names rather than default- regardless of the end result name.

I just wanted to mention one thing that I didn't see anyone else mention- I have no idea if it has bearing for you...

Like I said earlier, my DS, my DH and I all have hyphenated LNs. When my DS was born, no big deal. When we were married, though (years after DS was born) and went to the SS office to legally hyphenate- we were told that the hyphen did not legally exist in terms of the SS office or birth certificates in my state anymore.
So, even though we wanted a hyphen, the SS administration no longer recognizes the hyphen, so, on our SS cards, we have 2 independent LNs.

When I questioned the SS employee about it (as my DS certainly has the hyphen on his SS card), I was told they had overhauled the computer system and the computer system wouldn't let them enter the hyphen anymore. I have no idea if this is valid (I do know there is no - on our SS cards), or if, perhaps they have changed it since, but I thought you might want to know that, in terms of some legal documents, 2 last names or hyphenated LNs will appear the same.

Interestingly, this is not the case for either my passport or my DL. I have a hyphen on them, even tho it doesn't appear on my SS card.

g/l with your continued decision.

reading.gifdiaper.gif ♥ baby.gif baby.gif ♥
but a lesson must be lived in order to be learned.
and the clarity to see and stop this now
that is what i've earned (a.d.)
babygrey is offline  
#62 of 69 Old 08-25-2010, 09:29 AM
 
Laurski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Down the rabbit hole...
Posts: 750
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaerynPearl View Post
Changing your name is not abusive, like spousal abuse, slavery or denying ones rights.

Really not a fair connection there in any form.
I'd have to disagree. What I'm talking about it from the perspective of the tradition argument--the form of the argument ("Well, that's the way it's always been done, so therefore we should continue to do it in the same way, just because it's tradition"), not the substance.

Anyway, to refocus: Jenne, I'm so glad you've managed to narrow it down to 2 options as well! You and babygrey are absolutely right--names can carry such emotional weight, and it really is wonderful that we live in a time where we have options, rather than default expectations. Best of luck with your final decision!

(Also--babygrey--fascinating info about the hyphen! I guess when baby is born DH and I will enter the same weird world of SS regulations and hyphens! I wonder what they do with other punctuation--I'd guess that apostrophes are still recognized?)

I before E, except after C.  Weird.
DD: 8/2010.
Laurski is offline  
#63 of 69 Old 08-25-2010, 10:24 AM
 
ThisCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 273
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
***
ThisCat is offline  
#64 of 69 Old 08-25-2010, 11:56 AM
 
northcountrymamma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in our magical forest
Posts: 1,154
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't know if this helps any, but we have decided that my two word last name (not hyphenated) will be on the baby's birth certificate and dp's last name will be what the baby goes by.

dd has her biodad's last name though wants to change her name to what I stated above to be like the rest of the family...so essentially, the kids will have the same last name and we each keep our own last name. If we ever get married, we *may* both hyphenate so we are all the same, but it's unlikely we will ever get married anyways...

it's a complicated issue...even more complicated when there is more than one father in the situation...luckily dd's father is not in her life and she has no attachment to him or his name.

earth honouring, tree hugging, yogi mamma to dd - my forest faerie (Feb/04) and ds - our new little bean born peacefully at home (01/02/11)
 
 
 
northcountrymamma is offline  
#65 of 69 Old 08-25-2010, 08:38 PM
 
Laurski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Down the rabbit hole...
Posts: 750
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisCat View Post
Not all traditions are pernicious, and I would think someone who chose marriage might realize that some traditions have value and meaning and can change over time. And honestly, I think it's bit inconsistent to put it nicely for someone who chose marriage to come down on tradition so harshly.

Anyway, I'm not sure what your goal was of throwing out such an inflammatory statement equating name changing to slavery or wife beating. The PP you quoted was not making the "argument" than anyone blindly follow tradition and damn the consequences.

I get that you feel your name is tied to your identity and respect your decision to not change it, but to imply than anyone might "disappear" when she changes her name is absurd. I added my husbands last name to mine shortly after getting married, and I can assure I didn't disappear legally or otherwise. It might have been nice though in some ways. I could have gotten rid of thousands of dollars of student loans. Funny thing is though that the bank still knew it was me. Luckily my friends and family did too, and I still recognized my reflection in the mirror. I am still here. I am not my name. If you hadn't made the comparison to wife beating, I might not have felt the need to point that out to you. But I just wanted to let you know that even though I changed my name, I actually still exist in the eyes of the law and everyone else and that my husband can't beat me now with a stick or otherwise. I can still vote too. My, how times have changed.
Never said all traditions were pernicious, hence my willingness (for a variety of reasons) to get married (although by a justice of the peace--already a violation of tradition!). My point about tradition is that it is often used in the argument for changing one's name as if that is the only reason to change one's last name. I absolutely respect people's right to follow traditions, but I am bothered when folks do so simply because it is "easy" or "expected" or "what has always been done." Following tradition because it is "simpler" (something that *was* suggested in a previous post) just doesn't seem, to me, to be a sufficient reason for doing something that's traditional.

I'm sorry if you found my point about slavery, rules on wifely treatment, or suffrage offensive; it was not meant to be. As I noted earlier, my point is about the form of certain traditions--things were done a certain way for a long time simply because it was traditional. Changing tradition meant upsetting the "normal" way things were done, and so the argument that something was "traditional" was used to support behavior and ideals that today we'd find abhorrent.

A previous poster mentioned the issue of coverture--this is where the tradition of a woman changing her name from her father's last name to her husband's comes from. When a woman married, she became legally "covered" by her husband (a nice nifty way in many societies to prevent women from voting, holding property, entering into legal contracts, etc.). While yes, of course, you do exist and haven't *literally* disappeared (which is not something I suggested, hence the modifier "legally"), but when a person changes her (or his) name, and therefore changes all of their formal documentation, they have, to my knowledge legally "disappeared" as their previous selves. (Hence the need to change one's name on the SS card, driver's license, credit cards, student loans, etc.)

I'm not quite sure why the sarcasm in your post, or the hostility; I apologize if you think I'm attacking people's choices for doing with their last name what they will. I'm honestly not. The issue of last names is something I'm passionate about, and I really value the hard work and care of folks like the OP who are working through how to negotiate the messy waters of last names without cavalierly relying on the tradition argument.

Change your last name, don't change your last name, go with one name like Madonna--in the end, I don't really care. But at least have a logical, well-reasoned position on why you've chosen the last name you have. That, in the end, is really all I wish for, when the issue of last names comes up.

I before E, except after C.  Weird.
DD: 8/2010.
Laurski is offline  
#66 of 69 Old 08-25-2010, 09:05 PM
 
Laurski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Down the rabbit hole...
Posts: 750
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
After a long, contemplative walk with my dog, I've decided I'm officially banning myself from this thread. First, I've gotten it way off track. Second, 38 weeks preggos is way too pregnant to be getting this worked up about last names. I've made my choices, y'all make yours, ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on.

Best of luck to OP and everyone else deciding on last names for themselves and/or their little ones!

I before E, except after C.  Weird.
DD: 8/2010.
Laurski is offline  
#67 of 69 Old 09-04-2010, 12:54 AM
 
Girlprof's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 1,029
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Laurski, sorry you are self banning. I liked what you had to say.

I haven't read the whole thread and maybe I missed the really yucky bits?

Anyway, we have an interesting name story I thought I would share. I had a boring last name and DH had an interesting one. Still, it rankled to think of taking his name. Why? He also insisted that we not do that because he didn't like what it represented. We were both committed to a common family name. His name was on the long side to hyphenate. Our choice? We blended the names to make a new one.

We took a bit of flack for this decision. Worst from his grandma, Mrs Lastname who ironically was also born a Miss Lastname. Right, she married someone with her same name so never faced the choice herself.

We've been married 13 years now and we both love our solution. We love being the only ones with this name. I would consider it weird to have my kids have a different last name. Unintentionally our chosen new name is ethnically ambiguous and we have been adopted by many cultures from Italian to Polish as one of their own.

Good luck finding a solution that works and don't be afraid to be creative. A few years down the road, whatever you choose will probably be regarded as totally normal.
Girlprof is offline  
#68 of 69 Old 09-04-2010, 01:13 PM
 
philomom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 9,430
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laurski View Post
After a long, contemplative walk with my dog, I've decided I'm officially banning myself from this thread. First, I've gotten it way off track. Second, 38 weeks preggos is way too pregnant to be getting this worked up about last names. I've made my choices, y'all make yours, ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on.

Best of luck to OP and everyone else deciding on last names for themselves and/or their little ones!
I like what you had to say, too. But I'm one of the ones that hyphenated her kids names and kept my own.
philomom is online now  
#69 of 69 Old 09-04-2010, 01:37 PM
 
~adorkable~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: State Of Bliss
Posts: 4,418
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I really kinda like the thinking that was mentioned that kids get their fathers name because it is clear who there mother is and it's nice to give dad a connection too.

And for me as a very strong woman I felt like dh giving me his name was him committing to me, not owning me. Me taking it was accepting his care and intent, not giving myself up in the least.

partners.gif 2twins.gif  So what if I don't fit cleanly into a defined parenting style, my kids don't fit into a personality archetype either!

 
~adorkable~ is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off